Not feeling great today

[Eve1]

Relief at not having to work at the job I was unhappiy in had given way to panic.
Hope I’m going to cope ok. Was with son, daughter and sins girlfriend last night for a celebration which was lovely, but I didn’t sleep well and am fighting off feeling bad feelings about myself. It’s the financial insecurity.
Dying know what to do to keep calm. Just feel like sleeping a lot, which might not be a bad thing. Horrible worst case scenarios keep coming to mind and feeling of him saying horrible things about me.
Eve
x

[mixed-up mum]

Hi Eve – had a big message typed up to you – it wouldn’t send – and I lost it all – Grrrrr!!!

I only saw this post after I sent you my last reply, sorry you are not having a good day – you see this is where I struggle – I WANT to help you – but don’t know what to say…..

I have my head in the sand re money and my financial situation at the moment.
Things are not good – I’m just getting by – but before he passed away my Dad gave me some money – not much – but just enough to help me out and get me through this ‘sticky patch’.
I did intend to buy some things I needed for the house, but it had all gone towards paying bills, and buying food.
So I have nothing to ‘show’ for the money – but it kept my head above the water, at a time when I needed it most – things have a way of working out for the best.
I did not ask my Dad for money, he had no idea things were so bad – and he had never before in the 35 years since him and me mam separated given me money – he never even remembered my birthday – but all of a sudden when I really needed it – the money was there!!!!

Me mam and me sister have helped me out too – paying bills for me – I never ask for help – but me mam and sister know my ‘business’ is struggling – and wanted to help. I don’t like to be a ‘charity case’ but there are times you have to swallow your pride and graciously accept help from people.

I’m sure you are like me and won’t ASK for help – but are your mam and dad in a position to help you out a little??

I have been up since 5-15 and on here messaging people, trying to help folk a bit.

I know Im not much help – but its just nice to get a reply and to know there is someone out there who cares.

If you are feeling really bad today sometimes it is good for you just to sleep, rest, relax and recover.

I’m here if you want to talk – don’t be alone.

Love Mixed-up Mum x*x

[Eve1]

Keep typing a post up and then losing it, long ones!!!
I did go to Mums and saw my brother there too. I wrote down lots of thoughts about how differently we’ve turned out, him successful financially, outgoing ‘ bright and breezy’ mum says, and me, keeping quiet, not rocking the boat r being assertive. In counselling we looked at how my mum was saying to me, don’t be independent, stay like me, don’t blow your own trumpet, only Dad I allowed to do that.,’ Week today I can Ser that brother HAS been allowed to blow his own trumpettrumpet somehow, because he’s make, obviously. Why wasn’t I valued as a girl? Do you ever think that? I know mum thought she was entitled to nothing having Bern brought up very poor. And Dad has kept her down, so she pro probably thought it safer for me to do the same.
I’m really tired now so I might sleep and come back later.
Your very good for reading this
Hugs
Eve
x

[Falling Skys]

Hi Eve xx

I hope you were able to get some sleep.

I think that your parents like mine were of a different generation and things have changed so much. My Dad cause a stir when I was born as he would take me out in the pram on his own. but in other ways he was very dominate.

Because of the situation I’m in I spend a lot of time with my Mum and I can see she lacks confidence and belief in herself. She also says “anything for a quite life” a lot. I also have found out that my Grandparents had a volatile relationship. I knew my Grandmother ran off and it caused an awful stir in the village, people would wall the other side of the street than speak to my mother. This cause me to stay in my relationship because I didn’t want to hurt my Mum. Now I’m out I find out my Mum is relieved I’m out of it.

Coping take bit size pieces than looking for the end results, start with getting though a day. At one time I could settle long enough to watch an advert, I would have three things going at the same time flitting from one to the other. Sleep was cat napping as my head was racing. On a positive I can deep clean the house at speed ;).

I seemed as time went on I slowed down, I have started a tin of positives I try and write something good that happened during the day, it can be anything from seeing the sunrise, a friend or a work out. Its to make me focus on the good things not the bad. Sleep still not good, two hours at most then off and on for the rest of the night. I was keeping going on coke a cola and sweets, but I have taken them out of my diet and it does seem to be improving.

I hope my rambles help you a bit.

FS xx

[lover of no contact]

Falling Skys,

I love your idea of a positive tin. I’m going to do that from now. I had started writing down any compliments I received in my diary last year. Reading back recently it was so lovely to read them all. simple ones like your hair is lovely, you look great etc, etc. I actually got a lot (working hard on my self-care lol) and normally I would brush off the compliments but let any criticisms or putdowns stick on me and let them affect me.

So 2 tins, one for positive things in a day and other tin for compliments received.

Onwards and upwards girls.

[Falling Skys]

Thank you for liking my idea of a tin of positives Lover of no contact, you are my positive for to do. I never do or say anything right when I was with him.

We all need to grab all the positives and compliments we can.

FS xx

[Eve1]

Feelings are overwhelming me right now. I’ve got used to feeling a bit bad when i see my parents but I used to feel I couldn’t do anything about it and just do my best. Now I feel there’s an unspoken expectation that I should be looking after mum. I think she should really be getting help with things now. I would do out of I was closer, definitely. But I can’t really contemplate moving back there. Also strong my Dad just makes me feel really terrible again, like I’m insignificant and unlovable.

I feel overwhelmed by how badly things are turning out. I’ve just watched telly for 2 hours I could be at least riding up.
I will try the bite size pieces idea but there always stem so much to do.
I’d stoppef comparing myself to my brother but after yesterday and hearing him talk about his job and everything, I can’t help but feel inferior. Usually I can go for a walk but today I’m feeli should be doing more useful things.

Eve
x

[Eve1]

Sorry about phone typing as usual.

[Savingmyself]

Morning Eve
Go have your walk Hun wish I could come out for a walk with you
You can come back and tidy up after it will still be there lol
Be kind to your self and look after you
Don’t worry about anything right now only about
doing what you need to for you and what you want to do ..
It’s your time now
Big hugs xx

[Eve1]

Thank you so much, that brought a tear. Wish you could come with!

Worst thing about feeling like this is being indecisive again. But I will get out and get moving somehow.

Hugs to you
Eve x

[Savingmyself]

Hey Hun
I have not been out of the house for days
So I need to do the same as you get out and get moving
we just need to take baby steps and not try not to hard on our selves
You have been through a lot and we need to show some kindness loving and understanding to ourselves now
I am going to get dressed and go into the out lol

Hugs x*x

[Author]

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