Not feeling strong

[Soggy]

Hi

I’m new to the forum and am struggling so much at the moment.

I have been with my OH for (detail removed by moderator) years during these years he has controlled and manipulated me but much of it went unnoticed as we were busy raising a family and running a business. Add to this some house moves to new villages and I really didn’t noticed that he had actually socially excluded me (or rather I let him socially exclude me !!!)

He has walked away from his birth family years ago and seriously fell out with our youngest daughter years ago when she did something that he did not approve of. He didn’t speak to her for a year until she made up with him. He took this an validation that she had learnt her lesson and he had been right all along. At this point i buried my head in the sand, tried to pick up some interests long forgotten as our children are now grown up and left home but always met with resistance (unless I could do it on the sofa sat next to him). Well in (month removed by moderator)
our eldest daughter ended her relationship in the same way as our youngest did and it happened again. He wouldn’t speak to her and told me I couldn’t either and continued to tell me what to feel, how to behave, etc. This for me was a step too far and from that point up to (date removed by moderator) every single day he has spirallled more and more out of control. He has written his own narrative and worked himself up into such a frenzy that a fortnight ago he was jumping around the house like a l*****c and went off to sleep in the car and i found myself barracding myself my bedroom in case he came back. The next morning I left and only returned when he rented somewhere. Over recent days he has gone from an angry man losing control to a shadow of the man he used to be (when life was calm which was most of the time, he was generous and kind). He is shaking and stanmering and looks completely broken. I know we have codependency issues and that he seriously needs to help from a counsellor (confirmed by the doctor) but I feel so guilty. I am really struggling as the accommodation situation will seriously contributed to his sudden fall as this is a real cause of anxiety for him. So much of me wants to reach out to him as I feel like I have broken him. My head knows I haven’t as this is just the result of his mental health issues and resulting behaviour but it is so hard to watch. After all he is the father of my children, he is my family. All I wanted was for him to get some help but he didn’t and here we are. My heart is breaking.

[Lisa]

Hi there,

I hope you are finding the forum a supportive place to be. Perpetrators of domestic abuse will only get help if they want to change. He is responsible for his behavior, you have not broken him. He has made the choice to behave in this way.

You can call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247. They won’t tell you what to do but you can talk things through.

You could also speak to a support worker from your local domestic abuse service.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Iwantmeback]

Hi Soggy, i had to reach out to you, the guilt we bear is unbelievable. My husband has made me believe ever since my children were little, that theyd grow up and eventually leave me, all i really needed was him. Well they are all grown up, left home so early to live with their own dad. I have had hardly any contact with them, (esp in the teenage years, when i knew they needed me more than ever, ‘but i chose him”) unless he was really talking to them. My relationship with my children is like we are strangers, wary around each other, my parents live very close by,yet i barely see them, not because he says i cant. Hes too clever for that, no its been the constant drip of feeding how ive felt towards my parents and hes made out that hes always there for me,theyre not. Theyre there for everyone else in the family just not me! I need to watch my siblings, my child as they’ll get everything and I’ll get nothing. Hes threatened to batter that old ba….d, to take my son out, to slap my daughter about. I know logically the police would get involved,BUT i also dont want those situations to arise either.
You have to believe these men know how to survive and what buttons to push. We all know what buttons to push, we choose not to press them unless our backs are on a corner. We are not responsible for their behaviour, they are. If we have so much power to make them lose it, then surely we would do all in our power to have a loving safe family environment.
I sneaked around to see my children, they’re not welcome in his house, nor is my grandchild. It felt as if i was being unfaithfull, so ludicrous.
I have to find out about his past relationships, if he was ever reported to the police.
I am my own knight in shining armour, theres no one who can do this for me.

IWMB 💕💕

[Author]

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