Not following the pattern?

[BeautyMarked]

I feel like such a hypocrite. I read the posts of the brave women here who have been/are going through such horrific ordeals. I can easily recognise abuse in other situations and really want to write to help and offer encouragement like everyone else here – it makes me so mad to read about the abuse people are being subjected to, and it makes me mad to read about how we are being let down by systems that should be there to protect and bring justice.

I’m struggling so badly and feel awful. I weep all day and am embarrassed to admit that I wish my love would return to me in the way that others’ abusers are returning to them – it’s so awful to write that and I hope no one is offended as I know from reading your posts that it has led to the continuance of suffering and abuse. I really don’t want to offend and I feel really messed up. I can’t help it though. I’m desperate for him to return. I wish he would. I’m so ashamed to admit it. I love him and hate thinking about the police and (detail removed by moderator). I know seeking justice is the right thing for me though. I feel like a monster. I want to forgive it all. I want a clean slate. He must despise me so much to not even want to come back in the way abusers are supposed to come back. He’s not following the pattern which makes me question whether he is the same as the other men described on here. It just fills me with doubt about what’s happened. I just want him to come back. I can’t bear the thought of not seeing him or speaking to him ever again.

[EbonyRaven]

Hi, Not all abusers are exactly the same. Just because he hasn’t tried to come back doesn’t mean he didn’t abuse you.

Look up Trauma Bonding and you will likely find a description of what you are currently going through. It does pass, and you will come to find that you are so much better off out of it and away from him.

I once wished the man who love bombed me at the beginning of the relationship would return, but I remembered that wasn’t the real him eventually, and it had all been lies and manipulation, as much as I wanted it to have been real. I went through a lot of guilt too, calling the police and effectively making him homeless. Again I realised, with a lot of support and advice from ladies here, that it was his behaviour that had caused those things, and that I had nothing to feel guilty for.

Don’t berate yourself for wishing the loving part of him would return, that is normal.

[gladtobefree]

It’s so normal to feel how you are feeling. I’m sure that most the women on this forum feel the same or did at some point. It’s all part of the abuse. They make us feel that we can’t be without them. My last relationship was not my first abusive one so I did get past that part quite quickly because I could look back and remember how I felt about previous partners and realised that once I moved forward emotionally, I no longer missed them but at the time I remember feeling heart broken.
Even years later I realised that when I had got over thinking about them, they would pop up in some way and confess that they missed me or regret what they did. I knew they wouldnt change and by then I didnt miss them anymore so found it easy to reject their advances or guilt trips about how upset they were without me. It will hurt and it will be upsetting but it will get easier and eventually you will feel happier without him xx

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi BM,

While many tactics and behaviours are exactly the same for many abusers, they each have their own favourite things to do to abuse us. One of these is the discard. It’s true that some keep coming back, but it’s also true that some don’t. No matter how they act – if they try and get us back or not – it indeed doesn’t mean the abuse didn’t happen. I think for some it’s probably easier in their minds to pretend the abuse never happened if they discard the person they abused, I don’t know if that’s the reason, kind of out of sight out of mind, but I’ve read many stories of women being left by their abuser which just goes to cause further injury to us.
I would say the first half or so my relationship with my ex, I would leave him many times and he’d persuade me to come back many times or I’d simply come crawling back on my own. The last half he had taught me that I needed to prove I could be better and not leave him and instead beg him to stay with me. So he would be the one leaving me and I’d be the one begging. On the occasions where I didn’t beg and just said “sure, I’ll pack my bags, give me a few days, bye” he would then immediately start back-tracking and not wanting to split up after all. This usually ended with forced trips to the bedroom and then afterwards, it was like it had never happened in his mind and there’d be no conversations or mentions of what had happened allowed.
In the end, he dumped me via third party as he was under bail not to contact me. It’s too specific to write on here how he did it, but suffice it to say it’s the most humiliating break-up I could ever imagine. There have been incidents where I think he was close to breaching his bail conditions and the RO with weird phone calls, notes appearing in weird places and similar, but nothing close enough that the police would ever do anything about it. But ultimately, he has done his best to discard me completely from his life.
In the end it doesn’t matter who ended it. He lied about what he did to me. He is nothing but a liar. He enjoyed getting me to lie to cover up for him whenever the police was called to our place, then as soon as they’d left he would call me a “f***ing liar” and laugh in my face. And yet, I kept protecting him until I didn’t in the end. I don’t think he could ever forgive me for reporting him and I spent a long time feeling very guilty for having done just that, but there had been nothing to report if he had cared for me rather than abuse me. And the reality is I don’t know if I can ever forgive him. You will one day see this, it’s very hard to see when you are still as attached as we will then focus on our own actions and how we should have done XYZ so that they might still be with us, but the reality is that it was their actions that caused every single problem. In truth, I do have moments where I feel relief that he left me because as I have said to anyone who would listen to me at the time, I was no longer capable of making any decision. Not just about whether I wanted a relationship with him or not, I could no longer make any decision without consulting him first, something as simple as the supermarket being sold out of his cereal could cause a massive panic attack for me or being invited to my annual company christmas party. I simply could not make decisions without his input – and then it would be whatever he wanted that I’d do.
To this day I can’t say how I managed to report him, I think some part of me was fighting back because it was not me to stand firm on reporting him, I was far too weak to do that and yet I did even when he had his flying monkeys try to get me to retract which should have been so easy for them to get me to do, I still stood firm and I still don’t know how. I think you might one day start feeling this relief, too, the feeling of knowing it’s over, it’s hard to imagine now I know but once we start letting go of the guilt and the hopes of what we wanted them to be, it gets easier. And while the trauma they inflicted will still be here after they’ve left and we still have to heal and spend time recovering, we can at least start recovering now as opposed to weeks, months, years down the line.

[BeautyMarked]

Thank you all. I just cannot let go. It’s been a few months. I was told he was off dating, he wants to focus on his work and career. He always told me how the pregnancy ruined sex and he withheld it from me in the end. I’m just so devastated. I can’t believe he’s happy as he was always so concerned that he must be able to look back and think how he handled it like a man. Clearly he hasn’t and I can’t believe that makes him happy in any way. It’s a selfish motivation but it’s realistic and he handled it terribly. He wasn’t there at all. I’m so desperate to speak to him though give him that chance. I can’t let him go. I’m sure it’s just shame and the fact he can’t go against what he was told. I can’t believe he’s happy to leave it this way. I just can’t 😢

[AlwaysSorry]

You have given him multiple chances, don’t place the blame on yourself. The blame lies with him and how he refused all your attempts at talking to him about it. When you get these thoughts, you need to try and turn it around for yourself and place the blame in the correct place = with him.

You won’t ever know what he feels and it won’t matter what he feels anyway. His actions are all you have to go by and they have been to cruelly avoid you and abuse you via the FM. You won’t know what he is up to either, lying comes natural to them. No matter what he feels or is doing, he has chosen to leave it this way, advice or no advice. If he wanted to prove to you what an amazing guy he can be, he would have stood up for you, he would have been by your side, he would have helped you, he would be taking full responsibility of his actions, he would at the very very least have taken the initiative to speak with you himself. Instead he is like a little bully hiding behind the principal to avoid getting into trouble. Pathetic really. Look at his actions instead of getting caught up in wondering if he is happy or sad or focused on work. Look at the actions and choices he made when it came to you and how it has made you feel. Not the loving feelings of missing him and caring for him, but the angry feelings of being abandoned, of being gaslighted, of being manipulated, of having your intimate details told to another woman so she could bully you further. After a few months away, I became so angry, I was furious, p***ed doesn’t quite cover it. I think perhaps you need to tap into the anger a bit, don’t stay in anger but allow yourself to be angry at what these two bullies did to you, find it within you to say “how dare they” and put that anger into action, use it as fuel for when you will be dealing with the complaint. Like I said it’s not good to stay in anger, but you do find strength in anger that can help you realise that they do not deserve any second you spent thinking of them and wondering how they were feeling when at no point did they show any care for you. After anger, I found I had come to a place of closure. Not the kind of closure I wanted, but closure in terms of knowing the relationship was over. Perhaps it could help you to get a little angry with him to try and stop thinking of how he must be when he does not matter. It’s only you that matters.

He has handled this in the most awful way and that is really all that matters. The Dean and everything else came after his despicable actions had already taken place and he just used it as a way to continue hurting you. Anyone with two braincells could tell you that a woman going through either an abortion or a miscarriage, no matter what version he knew at the time, would know she needed support. He chose not to support you. That’s not handling it as a man and if it is in his mind, that should tell you how he thinks a man should handle things – by protecting his own a**.

Put you into focus, sweetheart. It’s about you x

[BeautyMarked]

Thank you so much AS – you’re absolutely right. I do need to start getting angry at him.

I’m just so full of worry that those dealing with it (whether complaint, criminal or civil) will just say this is nothing more than a bad situation and let him off the hook. It terrifies me. I read up and everything points towards CC and it gets me thinking about how people decide where the boundaries lie between ‘normal’ relationship dynamics and abuse. I worry I’m going to end up throwing away money because I’ve got an idea in my head that he’s contravened the law or that there is some reparation to be made through other channels. It’s frightening and yet I want to pursue because deep down I feel something extremely wrong has happened here and he shouldn’t be consequence free. Yet it seems like I’m being over sensitive.

I have given him way too many chances and he’s failed. He told them he’d deal with it but he didn’t. Now I worry about how he’ll react as he won’t take it lightly I’m certain of that. He’ll do his utmost to humiliate and smear me just because he’s living with shame. This person is a predator and should never be in a position of trust and that’s the most frightening thing of all x

[Tiffany]

I just wanted to put it out there that firstly the phrase “love bombing” is kind of deceiving because it definitely doesn’t come from a place of love from an abuser. It’s a cold calculated move to get us addicted to them. And secondly that I think it is generally an abuser’s last resort. The thing they use when they know they have pushed you too hard and need to reel you back in, or the thing the use to hook new bait. Because let’s be real, for an abuser relationships are all about providing him with power over others.

As you know, the love bombing never lasts, and the abuse always gets worse. Honestly, you are very lucky he isn’t pursuing you. There could be various reasons for that. He could also be abusing other people and therefore be willing to lose his power over you in favour of less difficult targets. After many years together my abuser dropped me pretty quickly when I ditched him, which I think was relatively easy for him because he was also financially and emotionally abusing his mother and sisters and they were easier targets. It’s also possible that he feels that you aren’t worth the effort to hook back in. You have said that it was a relatively short relationship and he’s clearly a skilled manipulator to hurt you so badly so quickly. So possibly he has decided it would be easier to lure in a new victim.

I know this sounds harsh. But abusers aren’t nice people. They don’t care about our emotions. They are just out there to gratify themselves. And they do that by hurting people. So what your abuser has done by ignoring you is absolutely consistent with patterns of abusive behaviour. Also he has been in contact with you through the flying monkey, so he knows he still has power over you, and therefore doesn’t need to put the effort of love bombing in in order to get a kick out of how he is hurting you. Because that’s what he wants. One way or another. Abusers gets their kicks out of hurting you. For mine it was sexual. He was turned on by his power to hurt me and the have me come begging for forgiveness. For others it’s raw power, or having a domestic slave. But it’s never about love.

I know it feels awful, but you are really lucky he isn’t pursuing you. It would absolutely make things harder. Try and focus on looking after yourself and being nice to yourself in the ways you long for your abuser to do and see if it helps.

[BeautyMarked]

I’ve been trying to go through my message history today and it’s so awful reliving it. I’m seeing things that I just didn’t at the time. He treated me so shamefully. And I just went along with it all. I’m so upset. It hurts. I just try to pacify all the time. When I try to stand up he pushes me back down. I just fear it looks like a dysfunctional relationship. And yet looking at this I still somehow love him. The urge to contact is so powerful right now. I can’t go through with any of the actions. I just need to speak to him. I just need to say sorry and promise to do whatever it takes so that he feels reassured. I can’t live without him and although I know he won’t take me back, I just have to try. I hate reading what’s happened. I don’t want to accept it.

[Tiffany]

To be honest, I think it would help you just to take a step back and look after yourself. I know that you are looking for justice, and that is totally reasonable. But I feel like it might also be putting a huge strain on your mental health. I found things like going through old text messages and emails almost as triggering as contact with my ex. I basically just got a new phone and left the old one with all of his texts on it put away somewhere I didn’t have to think about it. In the end a friend’s phone broke while they were on holiday at my house, and I just wiped the phone and gave it to them without looking at anything. It wasn’t the best decision for justice, but it was the best decision for me.

I would maybe start writing out a list of things that he did to you from memory, and use that to help you analyse what happened, rather than interacting with the manipulative stuff you have from him, because it’s less likely to trigger a desire for the trauma bond. Keep the texts incase you need them for evidence for the police or other Investigations, but don’t look at them. They are not going to help you recover.

He was an awful person, who did awful things to you, but you are strong, and you will survive.

[BeautyMarked]

Thanks Tiffany x

I was just looking at the messages for the first time in a very long time as I’ve been advised to turn this around which I think is for the best as it’s just hanging over me. I need to get things moving but it’s so shocking to re-read and re-live. I thought it best to read the messages as I’ve doubted myself for so long so in a way it’s good to read and be shocked. I notice there’s a lot of blame shifting and accusing me of things that I’ve accused him of. He turns it around all the time. Looking at it afresh is awful but in some ways illuminating, but then I’m biased. I still worry what it would look like to someone reading from the outside. It’s so much easier to grovel. Even as I relive the awful moments I’m just looking to be back in his arms.

[AlwaysSorry]

I was the same as you, it’s awfully triggering, but I clung to the fact that I could see it in a new light and I clung to the memories of how scared I felt receiving some of those messages. Mine played the blame-game really well, too. However, if you feel the urge to contact him when looking through these messages, I agree with Tiffany. Leave them for now and work on getting to a place where you only see the real him, the abuser. It’s no good if it sends you back to grovelling for the attention he won’t and hasn’t given you. Justice is a long game, I think you have been given this advice before too that if you find out what deadlines you have to submit complaints / initiate police investigations etc, then you can more easily give yourself time now to heal and become the strong woman again who doesn’t doubt she was abused. Because it sounds like some doubt is still within you as you feel you have to beg for him. You don’t have to beg for anyone, sweetheart, least of all an abuser x

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