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Over a month ago now I reported that my (ex)partner had grabbed my throat during the night. At the beginning of the year I told them about an incident much worse than this where we could have both been killed and at the time they said to me to think about what I wanted to do if I wanted to take it further or not. When I told them separately about my throat (there was no record of the incident at the beginning of the year) they said it would have to be reported and I was given an incident card with a crime reference number on it. I have been so worried about this for weeks as it was done in private and he is a very clever man and his word against mine. I finally managed to find out who the officer was dealing with it and the person spoke to me and said it had been passed on to her as the other officer who was dealing with it had gone on leave. She said they haven’t managed to get hold of him yet to question him. Now does that mean they have gone to his house or place of work and he knows they are looking for him or have they not tried to make contact yet. The office doesn’t know this and also what is going to happen next. So meanwhile I bump into him after no contact and he then emails me and when I don’t respond he then says (detail removed by moderator). So I now don’t know if he knows the police have tried to get hold of him or not. I am scared for different reasons and I don’t trust him. I had been doing well with no contact until I saw him the other day and this has led to communication. As well as this things are up in the air in terms of what is going to happen with the police as they are saying they don’t know if he has been approached or not or if someone has gone to his door to catch up with him even. So maybe he knows now,
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I am also now worried that I am wasting police time because I keep saying I don’t want to go ahead with things and give a statement because this will only end up worse for me. Everything dragged up and his manipulation of the event(s). I am better to just walk away and I am feeling stronger now. The officer asked me when it was that he had emailed me. Surely he wouldn’t if the police had already caught up with him and also I would be told about it.
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It may be worth getting some moral support from Women’s Aid or Victim Support. It is really hard to contact a particular police officer as they work such weirdy shifts. It is surely an anxiety inducing time. It’s also worth going to your gp. You are not wasting police time. This man has nearly killed you. There are so many reasons not to give a statement. For a long time I was terrified of what my ex would think of next if he knew he was under investigation and I asked the police not to tell him.
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Either way I think you really need to go zero contact. If he knows about the police he could be setting you up for revenge and if he doesn’t, you’ve got that worry of what he will do when he finds out. It might be he’s trying to hook you back in to prevent you from taking things further. No matter how you look at this you’re in great danger from him, my advice is to pursue the statement with the police and get a civil non molestation order to prevent his contact. This man has a record for abusing other women so it’s not your word against his. Ask to speak to a senior police officer or make a complaint if you want to get heard and get information.
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I saw him (detail removed by moderator) and he ended up shouting at me and two police officers on bikes came past and asked me if I was okay. The worrying thing is is that he doesn’t seem to care that much. He did lower his voice but he saw them coming in the first place when he had his voice raised. I walked away from him and he tried to follow me but my friend came out of work so I went towards her. I was shaking when I got in the car.
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Why do I still love this man…what is wrong with me. I must have very low opinion of myself. He has done some awful things to me making me feel so bad. I loved him so much. I know about trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse but still I am drawn in. I may as well just be honest. I still love and miss him and the physical side of our relationship. Why why why!!!!!!
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This is what abuse does to us. Loving him will not help him or save you. You’re right that he doesn’t care. That’s why you need to report this incident. There is a red mist that descends and that’s why he is dangerous. He just doesn’t care about the consequences. You cannot see the danger you’re in. His behaviour is escalating. You cannot appease him. He won’t go away until he is made to. We become addicted to these men. Addicted to that kind of behaviour. It becomes our new normal. You can break this bond with zero contact. Get support from your local women’s aid. They can help you every step of the way. Returning to him will bring temporary relief just like a fix of heroin would to an addict but you start the addiction again and the very real danger that comes with that.
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It’s a good thing the police spoke to you and witnessed this. It will help you in the future if you need a non molestation order so please write down the time and date and incident if you can find out their names and also the friend who witnessed this. It’s a real escalation now that he’s doing this in public. I really really fear for you. The next step for me was an assault that had him arrested. Which was the best thing that could have happened. Bail conditions help from outside agencies. Keep your mobile charged and on your person at all times. Do not ever be alone with him again. Get an alarm for you home. Speak to the police about a marker on your home for them to come quickly should you ring. He’s done this before. It’s in his nature and I’m sure the other victims would tell you to stay away from him.
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KIP is so right.
Please also get an incident number for what happened, and as much detail as you can.
Even if you were too frightened to get the officers collar numbers who witnessed it,the police should be able to track them.
You can say to the police to just record it for now.
But incident no. important as it will be on record then.
thinking of you
it is awful when you are so frightened you are shaking.
well done for getting away
ftc
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He os completely and utterly in control of his anger and using it to maximum effect to scare you.
It might help to know this. He is somply using it to control you, as this is how it works.
Perpetrators are often perceived as being out of control or losing it, but its absolutely controlled and they are very tuned in to your response to gauge how much fury they need to ex3t to scare you.
Its planned, monitored and carefully adjuste to make you do as youre told.
It called manufactured anger, basically made up for effect, but certainly competely in control.
Keep reporting even if you don’t pursue, just make sure its all logged then you keep your options open.
Warmest wishes
TS
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I think their anger is controlled in private when they feel they have the upper hand however when it gets to this stage of escalation they cannot control it. Otherwise he wouldn’t show his anger in front of police or your friend. This is the very very dangerous stage. My ex did the same. In the end he lost total control in front of a witness whereas before he would have waited till this person left. Till there were no witnesses. He’s spiralling out of control. Be very very careful x
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