Not like in the book..

[Imagesha]

Hi!

So, I’ve read the “living with the dominator” book. It left me a bit confused.

I don’t recognise him in many of the descriptions, but he fits perfectly the last chapter about the first weeks of a relationship, “Warning signs” .
I’ve been living with him for a while, so we are definetly not at the “first weeks” of the relationship.
But he seems to be frozen in that state. Early bully, early jailer, early persuader, early headworker, early king of the castle.. everything but the “Badfather”, since we have no kids.
What the rest of the book describes is a lot worse than him.

It may be due to my particular situation?
For the “jail” thing, for example, I am already isolated from my family by geographic distance. I tend to bury myself into the house, especially when I feel down. I don’t have a lot of friends where i live.
I work from home, since before Covid. I don’t have a car.
So I was already isolated and isolating myself before I met him. So maybe he just doesn’t have to do it?

For the King of the castle thing, he does most of the house things. But the way it is, it feels like it’s more about control than help. He decides and dictates. He “knows how to do it”. And many things end up not done, because he works a lot and he’s too tired to do them.

He says I’m beautiful, except for a specific part of my figure that he hates and he “doesn’t want to see”. But he never really told me I’m ugly, quite the opposite.

He likes my job and praises it and encourages me. But he sabotages it indirectly. I feel exausted and anxious all the time, and the type of job that I do requires a lot of focusing.

So, I’m confused. The relationship is definetly not ok, I want to end it. But do I have to “flee in the night” and ghost him? It feels too extreme. Like cowardy. Like betrayal. Talking to him feels more right… but also scary. I am scared it could escalate to violence, that he would try to stop me.

It’s difficult.

[KIP.]

Why would you talk to someone who you are scared will use violence on you? Trust your gut. This is where I got badly hurt because I’d minimised the abuse. Get yourself out and safe then if you still need to talk, do it from a distance. He’s not your responsibility. Your safety comes first. They don’t all fit into the same box. That book really opened my eye that there were actually men out there who went out of their way to deliberately destroy and dominate their partners and my ex was one of those x

[Fudgecake]

Hi,
It’s good that you’ve read the book. It’s also rather telling that you’ve read it. Deep down you know things aren’t right and that’s why you have looked for answers outside of your relationship. Trust your gut, it’s telling you things aren’t normal. With regards to the book, I’m afraid you’re not going to get a one size fits all definition and be able to say that your partner is identical to a definition. From what you’ve described he’s gaslighting you in my humble opinion and keeping you in a state of confusion. I think you already know the answer to what you’re seeking, it’s just gaining the strength to face it. I fled into the night as you say as I too felt he might turn violent. Yes I felt bad and guilty for doing it but it was after years of futility trying to talk like our relationship was normal. If you feel things may turn violent then trust yourself and leave without the confrontation. Being scared of someone especially one who claims to love you is a big red flag. Stay safe, leave without the confrontation and make a safe exit plan with WA support. Put yourself first for once.

[siba]

You feel like that’s the right thing to do because you’re a good person, but your instincts are telling you that he could be dangerous and that fear is making you want to leave without telling him. I don’t think you have any reason to feel bad, just leave however is easiest for you. You can always leave and then have a conversation with him over the phone afterwards if it’s important for you to do that (but stay strong and be mindful that he’ll say anything to try to make you return – it may even be better not to have the call).

[gettingtired]

Hi imagesha, I am in the same boat as you. The thought of leaving without telling him feels terrible. I feel guilty and sorry just thinking about doing that. But I’m equally scared like you that if I try to leave ‘normally’ and tell him I’m going and want to collect my things reasonably etc that he will turn nasty/physical/humiliate me in front of people or neighbours or destroy my belongings.
Have you planned an escape if you did decide its safe to flee when he’s out of the house?

[ultraviolet]

I felt awful – I couldn’t tell him I was leaving. I was scared but I had read the books and knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. I got out as many of my things as I could beforehand – this made me feel a bit better but I wasn’t prepared for how terrified I felt when it came to it. I knew there was a chance he would destroy anything precious I left behind so a bit of planning helped me with this. I can’t tell you how bad I felt – but I also knew, deep down, that It was right for me. I was lucky that I knew when he would be out of the house and I took with me what I knew he would miss if I had taken it out of the house before, then I Fled. I had to leave my two elderly dogs behind, it was heartbreaking, but I had to save myself. It’s been (detail removed by moderator) now and its still painful but it was absolutely the right thing to do.

[Imagesha]

KIP, Fudgecake, Siba, Gettingtired, Ultraviolet… thanks!!
I’ve actually read the other book that was mentioned to me (Why does he do that, Lundy). They can both be bought as ebooks, which was a blessing to me. Well, in this other book I found exactly him. It has made all my doubts go, and I hope this effect lasts. So the sense of being a traitor is a bit less strong now. I see fleeing (or more precisely, getting ready for it) as something I have to do for my own safety. It’s not just the fear of violence. I know that if I stay I will be dead sooner than I would, one way or another. I’ve made the decision, to put some money aside and go.
He had well brainwashed me, focusing on one of my weaknesses: I find it very difficult to lie. So the prospect of being “fake” and “backstabbing” him just made me cringe. Not any more. I still don’t like it, but I will do it. I am lucky I can quite safely work it out behind his back, via computer.
When the moment comes to go, that will have to be done in one day, hoping he doesn’t suddenly come back from work early. And I will have to leave a lot of stuff. But it’s funny how this doesn’t bother me as much as before. They are objects. I’m more important.

[Author]

Posts