Not new either….

[East17]

…but haven’t posted in a long time. Thought I had it all straight in my head, I’d left him and said I wanted to separate with a view to divorce – then I had a family crisis and he was the only person I had to turn to, he slowly reeled me back in, or rather, I stupidly allowed myself to be reeled back in, because I thought I needed him (in actual fact it was he who needed me, but I didn’t realise that at the time)…

Now I’m living in a state of limbo and so, so miserable. I haven’t got the strength to ‘leave’ again completely. He is being very kind and understanding about the whole thing, which makes me feel worse, like an absolute first class heartless b***h. He tells me that he’d rather have me as his wife part-time than not at all and even though he knows I don’t feel the same about him as he does about me, that it doesn’t matter. But it is hell living like this and I can’t imagine going through another year as bad as this one.

Anti-depressants, beta-blockers and counselling time are just keeping me in a functioning state, barely. But I wake up every morning wishing I hadn’t and go to bed each night thinking it would be better for everyone if I simply weren’t here anymore.

[Amethyst15]

Hello East 17,
Just reading through your post brought back so many memories of a similar situation i was in. I left my family home after years of abuse taking my girls with me and not much else. Started from scratch but ex never really let me go and when i was faced with a similar situation to you(daughter very ill) i thought why fight this alone and ex moved in with us. Eventually the tactics returned and he was back to his old ways and i asked him to leave. That was a number of years ago but he has been ‘attached’to us ever since and it is only in the last year that i have been able to say that’s it and really attempt to break free. I never put the stress i suffered every day down to the ex and his total disregard for normal boundaries and behaviour. Just thought after all the years of ups and downs of life, i was just one of those people who struggled with the everyday pressures -now i know different. For your health(physical and mental) i hope you can find the strength to leave your partner. I tried to play ‘happy families’ but i knew deep down i was only living half a life and having time away has made me realise that i’ve got to move on- he’s had enough of my life. Hope you can move on too! Yes it is hard but it’s like i’m finally dealing with it after years of denial X

[East17]

I never put the stress i suffered every day down to the ex and his total disregard for normal boundaries and behaviour. Just thought after all the years of ups and downs of life, i was just one of those people who struggled with the everyday pressures -now i know different.

Thanks for your reply Amethyst15, I can totally relate to your comments. When I’m away from him I can see things more clearly, when I’m with him, part of me is still in denial. I was assessed by WA to see if I qualified for MARAC, I didn’t, not considered to be ‘at risk’ (because it is emotional/psychological rather than physical I suppose…) I don’t know if I will ever find the strength to completely break free, I have virtually no external support, apart from private counselling. I’ve been on a waiting list for several months to see a RASA counsellor (unconnected with my home situation), but they are so short-staffed in my area, there is no indication when one will become available. So I recently started to talk to the private counsellor who has had RASA training, but I don’t know if I can continue as I have found it so traumatising, trying to cope with how it leaves me feeling afterwards with no support is a scary place to be. Have got to the point where I really don’t care any more. Sometimes it’s just easier to let others treat you however they want and not fight back.

Out of energy and hope. There’s nothing left.

[Author]

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