Not posted for some time, saying hello and just some reasurance

[Chocolatebunnie]

Hope you have all survived Christmas

I’v not been on here to post for a while, I do pop on and read peoples posts and have commented from time to time but havent felt like Im in a abusive relationship and kind of felt like I didnt have the right to comment, or to post as things have been very good.

I am wondering if its me all along?  He is much kinder and understanding most of the time and we have got along better.

But there are difficult times, with the kids, but them I have problems with them too, they are teens/twenties and these are tricky times, but he did say some horrible things about not being their dad only biological in a argument and wanting them to leave (this would be where I step back and calm my self down but he gets very aggressive).  However, my children are also the same and each time a situation like this occurs it really escalates, I hate it.  Its so hard as kids are not easy and we should support each other but I dont agree with him every time, he then gets angry at me if I have my own opinion and I feel piggy in the middle with kids and husband.  To add to the mix we are a neurodiverse household which is why i am even more protective of the kids and dont want or think they should leave as mental health is also a big difficulty for them (most likely due to our household being neurodiverse but also the relationships in the household).  I do feel like a failure as a parent and my daughter pretty much dislikes me and says she does not trust me anymore.

(timeframe removed by Moderator) was ok but husband fell ill.  He was drinking and i took over the dinner (i have fibromyalgia amongst other things) so cooking for our large family was difficult.  He sat there asking how long, why wasnt it almost ready (I was annoyed, kids felt he was his lazy usual self and I just never see it except for this time) I felt annoyed but then he was ill?  thing is he went to bed (prob drunk) and then appeared when dinner was ready.

He spoint me with gifts, last few year not so as we had split a few times and he wasnt feeling it or was that a punishment?  Anyway, he then makes me feel bad hes spent so much, now we need food and I know he will get funny about spending or I expect he will as I just never know.

He has not done class A drugs for a long time (He did have a big problem with this, now its cannibis) however he had some, and woke me in the night (I dont sleep well anyway) and would not take no for a answer it went on for hours and I kept telling him to leave me and let me sleep I ended up crying as besides this I have had a lot of emotional stress and it just all came out.

He since has been really nice, initially mirroring my bad mood after him pestering me for hours, and then bought me a small give and cooked a meal and everything is back to normal, I know its not but you have to survive.

I wondered if his improved behavoir towards me is that he then gets what he wants, but then surely thats normal that if you are nice to people then they are back?  This is the kind of thing that makes your head spin.

Thank goodness for this forum as where else can you let this all out.

As I say my situation is improved and I probably dont notice some of it, gaslighting or a very extended honeymood phase (he’s never treated me so well infact, how he acts outside of the home he is much better, although i will never know what he says when i am not around,  I sometimes wonder if he has learnt from his bad behaviour) but there are times when I see it and you backtrack and everything is remebered for a bit.

 

 

 

[NotYourMaid]

So, my situation is really different from yours, so I can’t really say anything. But the part where you said, “he woke me up at night, and wouldn’t take no for an answer”, that, to me, sounds like abuse. You said no, and he should have respected your answer.

I bought a book on abuse, and it described that same situation. The guy wakes the woman up and doesn’t let her sleep until he gets what he wants. The book said it was sexual abuse.

The book is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. If you read it, what you described is in chapter 7. If you can, I recommend you read it. It really helped me. It might help you too.

I’m sorry things are tough for you.

[Better-days]

Hi CB I’m glad things r better for you. I can relate so much to being stuck in middle with kids I always mostly side with the kids and he can’t stand it but he knows they come first. Christmas Day was ok I managed it. I also got spoiled with gifts I wish he hasn’t bothered as I thanked him so much as he made me feel bad I didn’t get him much it drains the life out of me. Now Hogmanay at my family’s this will be one I dread but will see how it all goes. I hope your ok and stay strong youz got this xx

[nbumblebee]

Hey CB as always we go through the same things. I too feel i dont belong here mine too has been so nice over the xmas period. But like me are you waiting? Do you still have that horrible feeling deep inside that fear that actually yep he could turn at any point?

This this is how we know that yes whilst things may be good now they once were so so very bad and can be again. CB we both know by now that these men wont change we can change we can get stronger be stronger but they cant and dont.

Rest now whilst its calm enjoy it even my goodness you deserve a break. Just be aware sweetie dont doubt dont stop looking or believing. Much love xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you, you are always there and yes I agree same path that we walk together always, I hope you’re doing ok, I do read your posts sometimes but often don’t have the opportunity to reply on here, as I say I’ve not felt I belong (I do more so right now) plus I have tried to not think of my relationship as abuse while things have been better in case it has been all in my head and it’s just normal relationship issues, that maybe I overreacted to it all.

Seems things are better for you too, which is great. But yes I feel it too the eggshells just in case it starts again or you trigger something that brings it all back again.

take care nbumblebee and thank you x

[nbumblebee]

CB I dont ever and will never use the abuse word my husband isnt nice at times thats how i see it.

Yes things have been calm for a ling while but recently i have seen his nastyiness again too. It has crept in small ways but i see in his eyes the hate and anger he (detail removed by Moderator) so this is adding to his stress and like you i am the outlet for that.

We do what we do to live to survive it may not be everyones choice but for now its all i can do.

CB none of this is in your head its a gane they play to keep us here. Xx

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you for your replies, I have not had much time to pop on here so I’m replying quickly while I can, but reading these has been very helpful, so good to have others who just know even if our situation isn’t the same it’s still familiar somehow.

 

i think I’ve seen the real him again. He’s gotten worse, it’s not terrible but i can see I’m his emotional punchbag, he’s stressed as the holidays are ending and it’s back to our normal routine of school/work.  It’s been constant digs, saying I’m not coping, or scatty, making it a joke when I pull him up about it or he’s denying he’s  saying things, or I’m being silly or turning it back on me even saying I have got it wrong, it’s harder to believe in myself after everything has been ok for sometime now.  I’ve really been feeling it’s all me. Kids even say it’s both of us but I feel they see me reacting but missed the reason why I’m upset because they weren’t there at the time or it’s subtle it can be seen as teasing me/jokes.

Thanks again CB X

 

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