Not really sure what im doing just need some advice

[WonderFall]

Hi im not really sure why im here. I dont really know how to explain it. Ive been with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years we have 3 children. Its always been his way or no way. I do everything for him and its never enough. He makes fun of me then when i get upset he always acts like he joking and im too sensitive and i cant take a joke then he goes in a mood, he dismisses me when i try to talk to him about anything, usually by either putting his hand up and saying your only a woman or just ignoring me and saying he will not engage with me, he has completely changed me into someone i dont recognise where all i think about is him and his needs. I know marriage is about the other person so im not sure if its just normal or not. I feel like hes done it without me even realising. I cant have an opinion about anything without it being wrong. I know im not as smart as him, i dont have a job like he does but im still human. I just feel confused. He loves me so much, hes amazing a lot of the time then he just changes. I cant say no to him about anything without him giving me the silent treatment, which he knows drives me crazy. Then he makes me believe its my fault, i used to argue back and stand my ground but i dont even try anymore and i dont know when i stopped. Hes decided to move us (detail removed by Moderator) miles away from our home thay we have had for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years and im worried sick and i dont know why. I just feel an absolute mess and dont know what im doing. I guess im just looking for some advice or reassurance that im not crazy likes me making me feel.

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. You’re not crazy, what you’ve described is typical abuser behaviour. Not a normal marriage. Your gut is telling you this is wrong, that’s why you’re a mess, but unfortunately he’s done a shed load of manipulation on you over the years to make you compliant and do everything he wants without fighting back. In a normal marriage it would be a discussion and joint decision about moving, he’s not considered you or the kids – or has but doesn’t care. I hate to say it as I’m a year down the line from my first post and now out, but lovely this isn’t love. The nice side of them serves a purpose, but it’s hard to accept that until your mind is ready to. Have a read of Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ it opened my eyes up! x

[WonderFall]

Thank you so much for replying. So what he is doing is abuse even though he doesnt hit me or scream and rage at me? Its more mind games i would say, telling me something then saying he didnt say it, or forgetting everything i say to him. Its his house, he can sell it without me. He doesnt need my permission is what he said to me. And i guess he is right, it is his house that he pays for. What do you men his nice side serves a purpose?

[gettingtired]

Absolutely! Abuse is not just physical. Please do not underestimate the catastrophic damage emotional and psychological abuse can do to you. Like you, I don’t recognise or remember myself before him. He has manipulated and controlled me for so long now I’m just used to it. Also like you, I don’t bother fighting my case anymore as he has taught me that saying no to him can mean nasty consequences.
As Bananaboat said, in a healthy and balanced relationship moving would be a joint decision and something you would discuss together as a partnership. There is no equal balance in an abusive one, they hold all of the power and control x

[WonderFall]

What can i do to help him see what he is doing? Saying no just isnt worth it is it, the punishmentisnt worth it. Before i came on here i didn’t really see it as abuse, it was just normal. Its just something in my gut telling me something is wrong.

[Bananaboat]

Yes it’s abuse. There are many different forms all of them are designed to get us to do what they want. We all know about physical abuse but the subtle, verbal, emotional, financial abuse is just as controlling and damaging.

As you’re married and have kids, you have rights regardless of everything being in his name – which is a red flag in itself. He’ll tell you you don’t, that he’s the ‘man’, that you’re a bad mother/wife/friend but none of that is true!!!

Telling you something then denying it, or twisting your version to the point you don’t trust yourself is called gaslighting. Aim of that is to do exactly this and confuse you to the point he wins.

To answer your other reply below on what can you do to get him to see his ways? Nothing. Firstly, he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you or he wouldn’t do it. Secondly he knows what he’s doing. Does he change infront of people, like being nasty to you but overly nice and life of the party to others? That’s him choosing to abuse you. The fact you say you can’t talk to him as it’s not worth the ‘punishment’ says it all – I’m going to bet you walk on eggshells, feel like you have to be busy at all times, can’t have an opinion that differs to his = all typical of abuse. These men often display archaic traits of women are below them, their boss is below them, basically they are better than everyone!

All of this is really overwhelming to start with, so many of us don’t believe it or think ours isn’t that bad, struggle to use the term ‘abuse’ but the more you learn the more you recognise the behaviours. How are your birthdays/ special events which aren’t focused on him? Cognitive dissonance is a trick of the mind which excuses their bad behaviour to protect ourselves, like ‘oh he spoilt my birthday but it’s ok he loves me really he’s just busy’, trauma bonding keeps you hooked, love bombing you with nice treats or days out (you know, that version of him you love and think if only I do X/Y/Z I’ll get all the time and we’ll be ok) keeps you hooked.

Discovering life shouldn’t be like this is daunting but you came here for a reason because you know your life isn’t the best version it should be. Good luck x*x

[WonderFall]

He is completely charming with other people, cant do enough to help, listens to people, compassionate. The list goes on. No one would ever think he was like this at home. Im told all the time how lucky i am, how helpful he is, how great with the kids he is, even from my own family, Makes me feel so inadequate and like im the one with the problem. I dont really get anything special from him on my birthday, he gets me something sweet from the kids though. His whole attitude is its all about him, he does this, he earns that. I know he earns the money and provides for us, im grateful to him for that. I feel like im just his maid and here to please him and not worth anything else sometimes.

[Bananaboat]

Bingo. But since leaving some of those people who told me how great he was have said there was always something odd about him like they never felt fully comfortable- instinct I guess. Find the book by Lundy Bancroft on Google for free, honestly it had me shocked just how much they do is control. Also check out a short video on the freedom programme website, it’s about a good relationship vs an abusive one, first time I watched it I dismissed it but knowing what I know now, it’s spot on. Knowledge really does help here, even if it gives you a drop of self confidence back that you’re not crazy, it helps xx

[longjourneylife]

Oh my goodness, Banana boat is right. His niceness only serves him ( he gets you compliant) and it doesn’t feel right for you. Because it’s not right. He is abusive and you’re losing yourself. I only really made any changes when I saw the effects on the kids, because it gets worse and harder as they get older. If you’re on the mortgage you both need to agree to sell. Maybe let him go on ahead the (detail removed by Moderator) miles to ‘get settled’ and then simply don’t follow…🤷 Anyway, trust yourself, you know what goes against the grain for you, and clearly your situation is not working for you, and it should!

[WonderFall]

I feel sick talking about it, like im betraying him. My name isnt on the mortgage, my name isnt actually on anything. Ive just existed the past few years without realising and the thought of moving away with him just gives me an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and i dont know why.

[gettingtired]

That awful feeling is your gut instinct telling you lovely. Mine made us move and everything in my being was screaming “this is wrong, don’t move!”. But I did (well I sort of did but I stay with my family a lot) and everything is exactly the same except I’m further from family. We end up ignoring our gut instinct because of the control and the nice parts they show us during the cycle of abuse x

[Mellow]

It gives you that feeling cause it’s wrong he’s excluding you from family and friends and your normal life .run! Find a refuge to stay .I’ve been through what you are going through it’s not love he just treating you like dirt my ex partner has done this to me calls me crazy and only his opinion matters and I’m not allowed to disagree also the whole woman thing we are to cook and clean nothing else .the forgetting what you say the mind games .ignoring you when you bring something uncomfortable up what they have done.the lack of real communication.the silent treatment.then nice when they feel like it maybe they want something.no.it’s manipulation.and you are smart !you don’t have a job cause he probably dosent want you to have one your intelligent you have just realised what he’s done so you are don’t lower yourself.mine makes fun of me everyday as it’s about my body he says I’m over reacting I don’t like it name calling every day for no reason he has called it me every day for years and now my kids call it me don’t let this be you tell him to stop!it’s not fair

[tiredofitall]

This sounds similar to my husband too. Everything on his terms otherwise its the silent treatment. I actually got happy with the silent treatment because it meant I wasn’t experiencing the other which was a non stop monologue of why I was wrong and he was right which wouldn’t stop until I accepted I was wrong. That’s now how people who love and respect us, should be treating us. Mine also wanted to move us all away from everyone I know. My name is on the mortgage so I had a bit more leverage but I refused. He holds it against me all the time but my gut was telling me I’d be subjected to the same behaviour but with no escape and I knew I’d buckle I’m that situation. It does get harder as the children get older. They see it all. Trust yourself and your instincts. Keep talking and posting x

[WonderFall]

Thank you all for your replies. So many woman seem to go through this its almost normal. Ive been alone for so long it seemed like no one understood. He has been getting worse the past few months which i think is why im so reluctant to move so far away. I can’t stop him and i need to go with him. I honestly don’t know why he married me, he genuinely believes that woman are beneath him, he acts like its all a joke, but its been years or the same insults, same behaviour, same punishments. He is the head of the house, im only a woman, just his housewife, its at the point where i feel like nothing and i believe him but my instinct and gut are telling me hes been wrong all this time. I dont know where its come from

[WonderFall]

Why do i feel like im betraying him? Like its not as bad as it seems. He is so good to me in other ways. He works hard for us and loves me. Why do i feel like im in the wrong? I feel like hes got my head all messed up with his personality swings.

[WonderFall]

And he does something like today, he gave me £*** to go and buy new clothes, ive not had new clothes for almost (detail removed by Moderator) years then out of the blue he does something really nice like that. Its a complete 180 from yesterday. Just messes with my head and i think he really does love me.

[disorganised]

Dear WonderFall, my partner is the same. He is not physical and never raises his voice, but I get constant criticism and horrible silent treatments that are only over once I agree to whatever he is proposing or show that I understand what I did wrong and apologise profoundly. He is also making me move in a few months (to a different country) and everything inside of me is screaming that I shouldn’t go but I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that I can’t stop. I get physically sick when I think about moving, but I know I will go through with it anyway because I feel so guilty.
As for the money for clothes, my partner would do the same. Sometimes after a horrible argument he would buy me things or do something thoughtful, but I know now that he is not doing it because he loves me. It’s another form of manipulation. I’m wishing you all the best, you are not alone in this. Listen to your gut feeling ❤

[RedStrawberry]

Hi wonderfall my ex used to do exactly the same, things had to be done his way even if it made it more difficult for me. I did everything for him, and it wasn’t enough. He would lose it over the smallest thing for example leaving the milk out but then completely not bothered over important things. As for the number of silent treatments I got and had no idea why. I would be constantly apologising. He also made a big family affecting decision without consulting me and that ultimately let to his behaviour getting worse. He said my communication was bad but he expected me to be a mind reader and the same randomly telling me to go treat myself to something. I realise now what he was doing but had no clue while I was living it.

[nbumblebee]

Hey, i couldve also wrote your post. I have 3 kids been married ages and did not see it as abuse that word still noe makes me feel sick i still cant quite believe it. Mine tells me how my place is sitting at home waiting for him. How he hopes my illness leads me to be in a wheelchair so he knows where i am all the time then tells me it was a joke that im over reacting. It was my bday (detail removed by Moderator) and i got nothing at all just the offer of sex and then nastyness when i turned him down. I could list what he says and does for days but heres just a few for now so He tells me how im useless then next day how much he loves me how he works hard so i dont have too and he doesnt understand why i do. We went away for his bday and somehow i got drunk and i actually have no memory of what happened he has great delight in telling me what I did and it was things id never ever do he laughs and says how out of it I was. So much more i coukd say but basically This isnt nice a husband should not behave this way. But we dont often see it as its so hard to see when you are there.
Well done for coming here took alot of courage. Read posts arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can it really will guide you through the days months ahead. Keep talking sweetie and keep reaching out for help. X*x

[WonderFall]

Not sure if anyone will read this but i just need to vent and have no where but here to do so. Currently on day three of silent treatment from him because i got annoyed at him for ignoring me. He spoke to like i was a child telling me to (detail removed by moderator). It infuriated me, im used to him speaking down to me and treating me like im beneath him but something about what he said just got to me. Why does he have to make me feel so small all the time, its just wearing me down, non stop, why does he even stay with me if he feel this way??? If im that bad of a wife and im so beneath him why doesnt he just leave me? My head is just a mess and its affecting my mood and the kids can sense it.

[Bananaboat]

Making you feel small, makes him feel big. They are quite like toddlers actually in that it’s their way or a tantrum. As horrible as this silent treatment is, try to use the time for yourself – go read a book or watch tv in bed, have a bath or spend time with the kids, use it to read up on abuse just don’t waste time worrying about him or trying to convince him to come out of the mood – he knows what he’s doing, he wants you to feel bad and beg him to listen/change your behaviour, and he’ll no doubt suddenly come in one day and act like none of it happened. Look after yourself x

[WonderFall]

I struggle to relax when hes like this. Everything im doing or have done is always going through my head. I start anrgy at him for giving me the silent treatment then i end up thinking about all the ways i messed up, what i did wrong etc. How can one person have so much control over you without you even realising.

[Anonymous]

Misogyny, dissmissing, stonewalling,invalidating, those jokes aren’t jokes, jokes have a punchline they’re about something else for both to be shared, these aren’t jokes (they’re slyly hidden statements and comments) your husband thinks he’s above you (either you or women in general) usually these people have 0 respect for women but will use them in every way possible (you are correct on your feelings) attemps are being made to dismiss every feeling and hurt you have (and you’ll end up harbouring them and they’ll fester inside you causing you more damage and maybe depression or worse) but now it’s been opened up by you (obviously being a kind of aware to be able to post this message) and us validating you and letting you know exactly what’s going on, now you can decide what you want to do about it (if anything), he sounds like the king character in the freedom programme course (it’s an eye opening course I highly highly recommend it) please keep posting
💗🤗💗

[WonderFall]

I know the jokes arent really jokes now, its hurtful that i can beg him to stop and not be mean to me like that and he just doesnt care. He truly does believe woman are beneath him, except his mother, she couldnt get any higher on his pedestal. I can feel myself slipping into low moods more often, especially with a (detail removed by moderator) baby, really doesnt help. What actually is the freedom programme? Ive heard of it but dont know what ot actually is

[Anonymous]

It’s both a course and a book , the book is called living with the dominator by pat craven and the course is an 8 week teaching of different abuse characters and the treatments they bring and cause in the relationship, it can be done online and in a group (“if” the groups are starting up again) contact womens aid and if there are any in your area, maybe you can go (I read you have a baby but I think the age was moderated) but yeah if your able to go it would be amazing, and remember just because he treats you like your a step down doesn’t mean you are (it’s abusers words and actions that are a step down) 💚💙💜

[WonderFall]

Thank you, ill have a look online for information about it. I couldnt go to any actual place though, I have 3 children.

[nbumblebee]

I am currently reading why did i stay rebecca humpries its a real eye opener to those tiny little niggles that comment that silent treatment its a good read.
I struggle with all you have said alot of us do you are not alone.
Read read and read more honestly the more you learn the more you will grow in strength and you will be able to see that what he is doing is abuse nasty rotten abuse and you do not deserve this. When you are ready womans aid are there ive been here a year and not yet reached out but i am learning so much growing so much and getting stronger.
Theres no rush but do reach out to a friend a dr or family member you can trust keep posting and talking to is here as we know we got you sweetie. Stay strong focased and believe this is him this is abuse and you dont deserve to be treated this way. X

[WonderFall]

Thank you for replying, sorry to hear your going through that. Its eye opening how many woman seem to go through this type of behaviour from their partner/husbands. I never thought that there was so many. I dont have nayoneto talk to about this. Everyone thinks hes amazing. Only i seem to get the worst of his issues.

[nbumblebee]

Oh yes mine is amazing to everyone too my parents love him and he plays up to them so bad its madening right? I have nobody either which is why this forum is so good feel free to private message anytime sweetie but also try and reach out even if its to a dr you need support out there you really do, you will be believed sadly its more common than you think x*x

[WonderFall]

It is quite maddening. I sometimes wonder why he married me when it feels like he doesnt even like me a lot of the time. Everyday im seeing more and more of what hes been doing without me realising. X

[Bananaboat]

Having recently got out, it’s been interesting how many people now say to me they weren’t fully comfortable around him – they want us to think they are charming everyone and everyone likes them but I recognise now it’s often people just being polite! I thought my parents loved him, he’d always help them but even they say they could tell he was putting an act on. It’s true they ‘perform’, that was quite a powerful realisation x

[WonderFall]

Well done for getting out. Was it hard? I wonder if people think the same about my husband. I always feel like they would take his side, hes so perfect to everyone x

[Bananaboat]

It was a rollercoaster but something inside just broke one day, took several months after to leave and I saw every version of him to try and stop me. Now I’m out there’s still ups and downs but it’s definitely better out!

Funnily enough I watched him interacting with people in (detail removed by moderator) recently and instead of seeing someone with lots of mates, could talk to anyone, liked by everyone I actually saw the reality – he’s sat there on his own, he’s talking to strangers because he’s alone and I watched how these people wanted to get away when he collared them. Eye opening for sure! x

[WonderFall]

How do you cope alone? Do you have kids? It must have been strange to see him in that light. I couldnt imagine it. X

[Bananaboat]

Yeah I have kids and to be honest, I’d been doing 99% of the parenting alone already, he was never there in an emergency, special events got ruined all that good stuff. When alone you do it without the anxiety and worry about him. It’s silly things like being able to get up when we want that we love, being spontaneous and just going to park or shops in an evening rather than having to sit with him. It’s hard doing anything alone, recently we’ve all been ill and there’s no one to say can you just help for 5 mins but you don’t realise just how much time you spent worrying and living under a cloud until out x

[WonderFall]

Im supposed to be meeting my (detail removed by moderator) for (detail removed by moderator), we get to meet up a (detail removed by moderator), and im so worried he might not let me go now, i know he cant stop me going but he would leave and leave the kids so i couldnt go, hes done that before. He finally spoke to me after i did what he wanted so im hoping he wont change his mind. I look forward to seeing her so much and its only (detail removed by moderator) i get to.

[nbumblebee]

Again yes i used to have to have sex with mine if i ever wanted to go out so i stopped going out now i have no friends apart from shared ones. Do not let him bully you into not going having a life away from him is vital xx

[WonderFall]

He will do it again tomorrow before i go out, he always does it and says its to remind me who i belong to like im going to cheat on him while out for dinner, its silly. I try not to let him stop me seeing friends even if i have to do certain things to be able to. How do you private message? X

[Bananaboat]

I remember all this, you should be excited to be having a night out not dreading what he’s going to do to ruin it. I used to prepare myself with a back up plan in my head, like having someone else potentially lined up to have kids (saying something like oh I think X might be working or isn’t feeling well), or having an alternative location in mind where I could take kids along too. Don’t let him stop you going out – he’ll be miserable whether you stay or go xx

[WonderFall]

Is it strange that even though i can sort of see what hes been doing and i hate how he treats me sometimes, that i love him, i just want him to be happy and the way we were before. We met and married fast, he was amazing, thoughtful, kind and everything else i could have wanted. Hes still is all those things just not to me. Funny things is i was in a violent relationship in my late teens. Took me (detail removed by Moderator) to leave. But that was obvious, he hit me. There was no grey area where i was asking myself if it was abuse or not. I didnt question my own sanity. It was clear what he was doing. This is different, i never thought id be in another situation like this, i still dont feel like what my husband is doing is abuse, is that normal???

[nbumblebee]

Oh yes ive been here over a year and still doubt still dont believe I know somethings not right I know its hard work harder than it should be but that word Abuse I just cant see it accept it or believe it no matter how many times people tell me it is i still believe its in my head.
I guess theres no time limit on this everuthing is done in your own time when you are ready.
I am trying to just focas on myself doing things for me ive learned not to tell him so he cabt stop it yep its lonley but its safer. Thats the main thing keeping safe. Mine threatens me and has hit me in the past he gets very angry so I do all I can to keep him calm whilst living my own life its almost like 2 lives.
You will find your way firstly you need to work on you read learn understand this if you can open up to someone womans aid chat try that just talk and learn it will help. X

[WonderFall]

I just need to get this off my chest somewhere. So writing it here. Not sure if im just veing overly sensitive or not. My husband came into the bedroom (detail removed by Moderator) and wanted *** i was really busy and said not just now, can we do it tonight after the kids go to bed. He didn’t want to wait so he just pushed me down and done it. After he had finsihed i was just shocked and asked him why he didnt wait, his answer was just insane, he said (detail removed by Moderator). I dont know why i feel so down about it but i just cant get it out of my head.

[nbumblebee]

I get this all the time and because we dont activly say no its hard to get your head round isnt it? But actually it is wrong nobody should be forced to have sex nobody however long married.
This is wrong whatever you call it, it is wrong and you should not have to put up with this.

[WonderFall]

Thanks for replying, how are you doing? It just deosnt feel nice. I never say no to him when it comes to stuff like that, i was just so busy and exhausted and he couldnt even wait. The kids were home. It just feels the worst yet, like he crossed a line hes never crossed before. He says i should always say yes, part of my job as his wife but one time i say no and he does that. Its just messed with my head completely

[nbumblebee]

Omg yes mine alao tells me its my job that i must as its lart kf keeping him happy. Sounds like our arseholes go to the same how to be an a******e school. You deserve so much better xxxxxx

[WonderFall]

They must have! God if he was to see this. He would go absolutely crazy. Thank you for being so nice. Its good to know theres people out there who understand. I cant get on much as he been working from home (detail removed by Moderator), hes finally back to his office for (detail removed by Moderator). Bit of break from him while hes out during the day x

[Bananaboat]

One of the final experiences I had before leaving was similar to this. He came into the room where me and (detail removed by Moderator) were and forced himself on me saying I was his girlfriend and (detail removed by Moderator). I was supposed to be grateful. It’s a power thing, it’s abuse and when it’s not consensual it’s that word we all avoid. As our husband/partner we struggle to accept it, but as you’ve found it’s left you feeling awful, that’s what he wanted. Look after yourself x

[WonderFall]

Sorry you went through that 🙁 thats awful. How can they get power from that, thats what i dont udnerstand. He doesnt understand why i feel bad, he doesnt see anything wrong with it, acting like nothing happened. (detail removed by Moderator), i hate doing it when they are awake/home incase they walk in. X

[Bananaboat]

Oh yes I was the same but they don’t even care about the kids! You’ll drive yourself mad trying to rationalise it, they are wired very differently to us. They see us, and everyone else as below them. They see their wants and needs as being more important than anyone else, they have serious delusions of grandeur. But the worst part is they do it with a loving caring facade, we feel they love us/are the one which makes leaving so hard. They won’t talk about any issues or upsets making us doubt ourselves. They really are clever, interesting characters if you’re not on the receiving end xx

[WonderFall]

He really is amazing when he wants to be. Only i seem to get the worst of him. Thank you for being here, its nice having someone to talk to. X

[WonderFall]

Our move (detail removed by Moderator) which im secretly happy about. Hoping he will change his mind

[Wants To Help]

Hi Wonderfall,

I’ve just read through all of this thread and have seen all of the great advice and support you have had already. There’s no doubt about it, your husband is an abuser and a sexual abuser too. What happened to you recently is rape. You do not have to put up with or accept that this abuse is part of a marriage/relationship, you do have choices now that you can make.

You can contact the police and report this rape. I know that sounds a dreadful thing for some women to do but it does happen and many ladies report this now. The police will conduct a Risk Assessment of your relationship and put in safe guarding measures to protect you and the children. While a rape investigation is being conducted he will quite likely be bailed with conditions to leave the house regardless of whose name it is in – it is, after all, the family home and where the children reside.

Do you have any bruising at all from this rape? If so, photograph it. You may not wish to report the rape now, but if you report it in future (if it happens again for instance) you have some evidence to support your complaint. If you do have injuries (including internal) you could contact a Sexual Abuse Referral Centre, known as a SARC and they can do a forensic examination and take photos and store it on your behalf to be used in evidence later if you wish. They do not report rapes to the police (unless it’s a stranger rape and then they have a duty of care to wider members of the public to breach confidentiality). There will be a SARC in your area. Never tell your husband that you have stored any evidence of the rape as a bartering tool or to try and negotiate something in future, this is something you absolutely have to keep to yourself.

You can also speak to someone from a local support charity such as ROSA (Rape or Sexual Assault), or the Rape Crisis helpline. Just google them to find your local one, they will confirm and validate that you have been raped. This is important for you to understand this and not minimise his behaviour or take any blame for this yourself. He will never consider himself a rapist and will abhor rapists, but the truth is, most rapes are carried out by an intimate partner and not a stranger. Does he watch a lot of pornography do you know? There is evidence now that shows that men who are addicted to porn are more likely to sexually abuse their partners.

The fact that you say you met and married quickly is very much a red flag. Abusive men try to take ownership of ‘their woman’ and trapping them in a marriage very quickly is a way of doing this. In an equal relationship money doesn’t matter, but your husband is using a tactic of ‘demonstrate omnipotence’ to show you how powerful he is in all areas of your relationship, such as he provides the money, the home, the location of the home, the consent for whether you go out or not, work or not, have sex or not. He belittles you to make you reliant on him and doubtful of relying on yourself.

Although the house may be in his name (another complete control tactic) you do have rights, so I suggest you make an appointment with a solicitor to find out what they are. If he has sold the house already and requires you to move you do NOT have to move with him. He cannot coerce you or force you to live somewhere else, and if you choose not to move with him because the move has not been a joint decision then this puts you in an advantageous position in some way as you are being made homeless. This puts you in a higher priority for getting alternative accommodation for you and the children to stay in the town/city where you have connections. It may be temporary accommodation or a refuge to start with, but you will be starting to take back some control of your life. He will financially have to provide for the children and you will be able to claim benefits as a single parent. Again, not ideal, but often when we choose to leave our abuser we have to start from the bottom because they leave us no other option. Abusers will never support us leaving them, they will make it as hard as they can, that is why many women stay – it’s easier to stay and live with what you know than leave and struggle with housing and finances and start again.

Moving will NOT be a fresh start, I can tell you this from experience. I moved with my ex for the ‘fresh start’ and empty promises of how everything will be better once we’re away from the interfering family and friends! All I did was move my problems to another place, things got worse and I was more isolated from support of the people I loved and knew. Please do not move if you don’t want to. If you can tell him you don’t want to move then tell him. He literally cannot force you in to a car and make you go somewhere and live somewhere, so you could firmly tell him that if the house gets sold then he moves without you and the children. This is something you need to speak to a solicitor about because if it is known he is forcing a move that you are not agreeing to then they may be able to draw up a Child Arrangement Order that states he can’t take the children with him and that the children will live with you (wherever that may be). Times with him will need to be negotiated, and if he is choosing to move a very long way away then he will need to arrange to pick them up and return them.

There are a lot of options available to you Wonderfall, please explore them and don’t be bullied any more in to do everything this selfish man wants. If you worry he will turn violent if you stand up to him then contact you local DA services too and work out a safe exit plan.

[WonderFall]

Thank you replying. I dont see it as that, i said no at the start but then i didnt even try to stop him. Its just that after it i was shocked at how he acted and he didnt even care. Hes always said i can leave but he is keeping the kids. I couldnt leave them. He would never bruise me or leave any marks, he always says men who hit woman are the lowest of the low. We married months after meeting and i stopped working because he earned enough to support us. I sometimes regret giving up work, the adult conversations, socialising, just getting out and about i guess. But i love being with my kids, i love rasing them. They are my world. I have to move with him or i loose my kids, maybe ill get them back but it would probably take a long time. He has already sold our house and bought a new one. I didnt even get a say when he was buying it, ill just be the one cleaning it for him. Thats apparently one of the few things im good for. I cant drive and this new house is quite far from any town or village, im worried about it.

[iliketea]

I havent read through all the wonderful replies you’ve received but I did read you say you’re not on the mortgage, you’re not on anything. I experienced economic abuse, not on the mortgage or deeds of the house, please look up Surviving Economic Abuse and read their info notes. If you’re married it might be ok, and not as difficult to disentangle as if you weren’t but still, its worth looking at and working out what situation you are in. There is no reason not to be on a mortgage or deeds of the home you live in with your partner/husband. Even if he bought it before you met, if you have had a life together, my first question would be “Why aren’t you on anything?”, is that a tax dodge on his part? Is it to intentionally not put you on and if so for what reason? SEA have some really good advice. Happy to answer any questions by pm if it helps. I’ve had a nightmare untangling, and its still going on, its hard to believe it will ever be truly over, even after X many years having left him. They like to hold on, even tighter when you decide to leave them. Make sure everything is in order financially before you make ANY big steps, and definitely don’t let him know before you have. Stay strong. You’re in the right place for some amazing support and fantastic advice. xx

[WonderFall]

Thank you. Im not on the mortgage as he bought this house before we were married. We were together but he bought it as a surprise. Which looking back now i guess he didnt want my name on it since everything is his. The only thing i have in my name is my phone contract. I have a passport. But no bank account or anything like that. Years ago he said i might as well close it since i dont earn any money so i didnt need it. I supidly agreed.

[WonderFall]

Can i ask a question, if anyone will reply, ehen my husband is at his offcie and not working from home, he will literally text me every half hour, if i dont reply back within 10 mins he calls every minute until i answer. Which with 3 kids sometimes i dont get to reply as quickly as i should. I feel like its too much but he always says that hes just making sure im ok and stuff. Do you guys think its too much? Its always been this way so i dont really know

[nbumblebee]

Yes its too much. Mine will call me and if i dont answer i am accused if having an affair so i know how you feel. Its not right at all. And actually can I talk about your above replie about the sex attack not being rape.
This js so so hard as I have been raped by a faimly member it was brutal but i dodnt say no I couldnt i froze i believe i was drugged but cant prove it anyway all my life ive blamed myself because i didnt say no always beleived it was my fault.
I dont say no to my husband i tell him I dont want it that im tired or whatever and he continues anyway i dont struggle nor scream. Its horrible.
Is it rape? I cant answer that what i do know is that a loving decent partner would not do that.
It is a use of control you are his and his alone like the ohone calls you are his property in his eyes. Sad but true sweetie.
Stay safe. I hope you find strength to reach out and get some help in leaving him I really do xxxx

[WonderFall]

I get that if im even 5 minutes late home from shopping or anything. Im so sorry you went through that 😔 my ex was abusive in all ways, but he actually hit me, like i said above, the abuse was clear, not this grey/shaded unsure feeling. That’s exactly it, we just let them do it, i have no idea why its so hard to speak up and stop them. So you would say its another form of control. Ive not really thought about it until recently with coming on here and hear others stories and replies, its like all these little things i didn’t even realise was wrong. My head is everywhere at the moment.

[WonderFall]

I feel like all i do is bash him on here. He does have good traits, he is good to me most of the time. But lately i guess ive realised that the bad stuff seems to outweigh the good stuff.

[nbumblebee]

I am no expert at all i am barely getting by but yes reading your posts im sorry to say it so bluntly but yes your husband is both controlling and abusive there doesnt have to be visable scars for things to cut deep and hurt. If your child was being bulloed by words at school you wouldnt play it down because theres no bruises would you? You would fight to get them help and get out right? So use that on yourself use help use strength use knowledge to get out.
Oh i know its so easy to say i am a big fat hypocrite cause im still here too so I get it but thousands of women get out sweetie. You take it in your own time you read you learn you listen you understand and hopefully one day you will be able to leave. Baby steps and this is the beginning. Keep asking keep talking keep learning the rest will follow xxxx

[WonderFall]

When i thimk about it that way, i guess he is. I cant seem to ignore the good though. Thank you. You have been so helpful and friendly. I really appreciate it. X

[nbumblebee]

Maybe the good is there to keep us. Maybe they are nice and kind and loving some days just because if they arent then we are more likely to leave? Maybe they know exactly what they are doing? Maybe the nice is all part of the game the cycle. Have you googled the cycle of abuse? Have a read it may shock you.
Am here anytime you need a friend. Stay safe xxxxx

[WonderFall]

Hoping someone will help. I want so badly to leave him, hes getting worse and growing more self entitled since we moved, the anger, the selfishness, laziness. I am desperate to get out but if i do what will happen with the children? I seen so many posts on here saying their ex got joint custody. How can abusive partners get any custody?? It doesnt seem right at all. I cant leave our children with him alone, not because i fear he might hurt them or anything (i dont believe he would) its more like i fear his rage, he cant cope with all 3 of them, he has never had to look after the 3 kids by himself. At least when im here i can deal with everything to keep him calm. It feels like im completely stuck here until they grow up. I feel like i should just resign myelf to the fact i will be here until they grow. All i can do is try to keep him calm, do as he says and try not to let the kids see or hear anything. Just accept it i guess. I dont know what im really expecting here but i just needed to type. Feeling a bit helpless at the moment 😕

[nbumblebee]

Hey I get you I rwally do.
I have 3 too and whwn they were younger i couldnt ever leave them with my hubby either.
I never saw back then i knew life was hard but never did i imagine that it wasnt normal or that it may one day be considered abusive. Mine are all adults and older teens now ive been on this site 2 years yet still I stay. Ive said b4 i self harm I have a problem with food anxoety and just so much more my kids they suffer too now as adults and i will never ever ever forgive myself for not leaving when they were young i will beat myself up for that till the day i die.
I cant tell you to get help not really id be a hypocrite as im still here but I dont want you to make my mistakes. There is help out there and you can access it safely and privatly for now he doesnt need to know.
So maybe talk to womans aid ask about your options ask about child care etc they will be able to talk you through its just a chat thats all.
Sweetie its hard to accept but your kids no matter how hard you try and shield them they will see hear and feel they just will trust me on that one.
If i could have my life again id have seen and left so much sooner I feel its too late for me now im too old to start again but you can sweetie. Reach out. Xxxxx

[Hereforhelp]

Hi Wonderfall, yes your husband is abusing you, sexually assaulting you, minimising and gaslighting you…. he sounds like my husband, I was with him for over 2 decades, we have children…
I am over a year out…. my husband is a high earner and would also say what a great provider he was and how I did nothing .. he could also be kind. Thoughtful, funny, great dad… that’s what keeps us there, in the Hope of reaching Mr Nice. Non of us would be hefr if they were abusive from the start.
Sex is not currency for a peaceful life
When you say no and he continues no matter if you scream or not, that’s rape as your husband doesn’t have a right to YOUR body, nobody does only you. Can you imagine saying no, without an explanation? If he’s likely to pester you that’s all part of the abuse as no means no. Gone are the days when husband’s had a legal right to their wife’s body and he knows this!
I found once you see the abuse that you cannot unsee it.
Speak to Womans Aid or your GP?
Children are impacted within an abusive relationship, both of mine are receiving counselling to help them.
Maybe speak to your GP? There’s help out there.
Regarding your children, ring Rights for Women, it’s a free legal helpline, you do have rights.
Keep posting ❤️

[WonderFall]

How can i leave knowing he will get custody of our kids? He cant cope with them while im here, let alone on his own. I just want to start somewhere new with my kids and i cant. Im stuck. I feel trapped.

[terribleheadspace]

Hi WonderFall,

Womens aid online chat. They should be able to help you in regards to seeking domestic abuse help and where to get free legal advice. Hopefully you may be able to get legal aid. I found out also when you flee from domestic abuse I was told if you go into a council of your choice, you would be classed as homeless and they would have to find you emergency housing- think thats for 3 months, double check that with a domestic abuse advisor.

Support is out there, an outreach worker (if you dont have one already) may be a good start for you. I found that mine understood me in a way that noone else did and that in itself made me feel less isolated. When I felt like I was feeling all messed up as my feelings towards him were so conflicted she offered me loads of information, explained to me that what I was describing was typical abusive behaviour etc.

I know that someone mentioned it on here, but you dont have to fight or say no to be raped.
He knew you did not want sex and he did it anyway. Same as if someone is asleep or passed out, they arent giving consent. Same if someone is being coerced into sex and knows there are consequences if they dont give in it is all sexual abuse. It is your body, you have every right to say no to sex and for that to be respected- it doesnt matter how long the relationship has been.

I understand the gut feeling, it is the most important thing.

My gut feeling did the same. I felt so conflicted as I care for him so much… the more knowledge you have the better. Think once I could put a finger on what he was doing and listened to my gut more, I noticed even on days when we seemed to have such a nice time he would say something abusive.

I felt like I had two sides of myself- still do really. Head and heart. I knew my heart was running away with itself,thinking ok well I’ll just wait a little bit, see if the behaviour continues or gets worse. All the while my head was saying, why are you here, get out, something is really wrong, this isnt right. So I took logical steps.

Follow your gut.

Lastly… for me, its coming to terms or the 2 sides of him that he showed, having to accept he was one person… and that person chooses to abuse me. It actually doesnt matter how nice he could be at times… he was still abusing me and it’s wrong. That is the hardest part to crack. Think it’s the part for me that hurts the most, coming to terms that the man I loved chose to hurt, control and manipulate me. I feel anger at myself for not trusting my gut also. I’m told it’s all normal.

I guess I’m metioning the above as I know how the cycles worked in my situation, I felt so sure I was going to leave, started my safety plan and then suddenly he was nicer, my feelings went from almost nothing to me trying to think of every avenue I could to see if I could logically find a reason or small hope to salvage the relationship. All the while part of me being terrified of him. I guess what I am trying to say is… it’s normal to be conflicted and dont be suprised if you start to make steps to support yourself and he starts being really nice it may make you doubt your decision to seek support. Keep taking those steps anyway. If you dont need to pull the trigger on it and leave then great. But if you do have to, you will be prepared.

Anyway, I hope you find some support.

[nbumblebee]

@terribleheadspace wow just wow i know that replie was meant for wonderfall but that hit me too.
Thank you x

@wonderfall I know how hard all this is to get your head around im still trying too we all are its so much to take in so take your time breeth and allow yourself some time to understand what is happening.
Then when you are ready contact WA you can do it annon to begin with I just think you are so scared of losing your kids you cant see any other way and talking to them may relieve some of your anxiety over that. Its just a call or a chat or an email it doesnt mean you have to do anything or accept anything its about taking control of your life for you and your childrens sake.
Take your time the support is there when you are ready x*x

[WonderFall]

I feel like i cant breathe properly anymore. Like im drowning. Since (detail removed by Moderator) hes changed so much, going on about running a tighter ship, questioning every penny i need to spend, stopping me from talking or having any say in anything. Grabbing my body everytime he comes near or walks past me, Going on and on about hes the man of the house and he will be respected and listened to, acting like we dont respect him. Its intense like all the time. He back to working from home so i dont even get any break away from him at all and its just so hard. Ive had a headache for nearly 4 days with just constant stress. I just needed to to vent and get this written down to try and clear my head a little.

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