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    • #146384
      WonderFall
      Participant

      Hi im not really sure why im here. I dont really know how to explain it. Ive been with my husband (detail removed by Moderator) years we have 3 children. Its always been his way or no way. I do everything for him and its never enough. He makes fun of me then when i get upset he always acts like he joking and im too sensitive and i cant take a joke then he goes in a mood, he dismisses me when i try to talk to him about anything, usually by either putting his hand up and saying your only a woman or just ignoring me and saying he will not engage with me, he has completely changed me into someone i dont recognise where all i think about is him and his needs. I know marriage is about the other person so im not sure if its just normal or not. I feel like hes done it without me even realising. I cant have an opinion about anything without it being wrong. I know im not as smart as him, i dont have a job like he does but im still human. I just feel confused. He loves me so much, hes amazing a lot of the time then he just changes. I cant say no to him about anything without him giving me the silent treatment, which he knows drives me crazy. Then he makes me believe its my fault, i used to argue back and stand my ground but i dont even try anymore and i dont know when i stopped. Hes decided to move us (detail removed by Moderator) miles away from our home thay we have had for the past (detail removed by Moderator) years and im worried sick and i dont know why. I just feel an absolute mess and dont know what im doing. I guess im just looking for some advice or reassurance that im not crazy likes me making me feel.

    • #146385
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Hello and welcome. You’re not crazy, what you’ve described is typical abuser behaviour. Not a normal marriage. Your gut is telling you this is wrong, that’s why you’re a mess, but unfortunately he’s done a shed load of manipulation on you over the years to make you compliant and do everything he wants without fighting back. In a normal marriage it would be a discussion and joint decision about moving, he’s not considered you or the kids – or has but doesn’t care. I hate to say it as I’m a year down the line from my first post and now out, but lovely this isn’t love. The nice side of them serves a purpose, but it’s hard to accept that until your mind is ready to. Have a read of Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ it opened my eyes up! x

    • #146387
      WonderFall
      Participant

      Thank you so much for replying. So what he is doing is abuse even though he doesnt hit me or scream and rage at me? Its more mind games i would say, telling me something then saying he didnt say it, or forgetting everything i say to him. Its his house, he can sell it without me. He doesnt need my permission is what he said to me. And i guess he is right, it is his house that he pays for. What do you men his nice side serves a purpose?

      • #146411
        gettingtired
        Participant

        Absolutely! Abuse is not just physical. Please do not underestimate the catastrophic damage emotional and psychological abuse can do to you. Like you, I don’t recognise or remember myself before him. He has manipulated and controlled me for so long now I’m just used to it. Also like you, I don’t bother fighting my case anymore as he has taught me that saying no to him can mean nasty consequences.
        As Bananaboat said, in a healthy and balanced relationship moving would be a joint decision and something you would discuss together as a partnership. There is no equal balance in an abusive one, they hold all of the power and control x

      • #146415
        WonderFall
        Participant

        What can i do to help him see what he is doing? Saying no just isnt worth it is it, the punishmentisnt worth it. Before i came on here i didn’t really see it as abuse, it was just normal. Its just something in my gut telling me something is wrong.

      • #146438
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Yes it’s abuse. There are many different forms all of them are designed to get us to do what they want. We all know about physical abuse but the subtle, verbal, emotional, financial abuse is just as controlling and damaging.

        As you’re married and have kids, you have rights regardless of everything being in his name – which is a red flag in itself. He’ll tell you you don’t, that he’s the ‘man’, that you’re a bad mother/wife/friend but none of that is true!!!

        Telling you something then denying it, or twisting your version to the point you don’t trust yourself is called gaslighting. Aim of that is to do exactly this and confuse you to the point he wins.

        To answer your other reply below on what can you do to get him to see his ways? Nothing. Firstly, he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you or he wouldn’t do it. Secondly he knows what he’s doing. Does he change infront of people, like being nasty to you but overly nice and life of the party to others? That’s him choosing to abuse you. The fact you say you can’t talk to him as it’s not worth the ‘punishment’ says it all – I’m going to bet you walk on eggshells, feel like you have to be busy at all times, can’t have an opinion that differs to his = all typical of abuse. These men often display archaic traits of women are below them, their boss is below them, basically they are better than everyone!

        All of this is really overwhelming to start with, so many of us don’t believe it or think ours isn’t that bad, struggle to use the term ‘abuse’ but the more you learn the more you recognise the behaviours. How are your birthdays/ special events which aren’t focused on him? Cognitive dissonance is a trick of the mind which excuses their bad behaviour to protect ourselves, like ‘oh he spoilt my birthday but it’s ok he loves me really he’s just busy’, trauma bonding keeps you hooked, love bombing you with nice treats or days out (you know, that version of him you love and think if only I do X/Y/Z I’ll get all the time and we’ll be ok) keeps you hooked.

        Discovering life shouldn’t be like this is daunting but you came here for a reason because you know your life isn’t the best version it should be. Good luck x*x

      • #146444
        WonderFall
        Participant

        He is completely charming with other people, cant do enough to help, listens to people, compassionate. The list goes on. No one would ever think he was like this at home. Im told all the time how lucky i am, how helpful he is, how great with the kids he is, even from my own family, Makes me feel so inadequate and like im the one with the problem. I dont really get anything special from him on my birthday, he gets me something sweet from the kids though. His whole attitude is its all about him, he does this, he earns that. I know he earns the money and provides for us, im grateful to him for that. I feel like im just his maid and here to please him and not worth anything else sometimes.

      • #146455
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Bingo. But since leaving some of those people who told me how great he was have said there was always something odd about him like they never felt fully comfortable- instinct I guess. Find the book by Lundy Bancroft on Google for free, honestly it had me shocked just how much they do is control. Also check out a short video on the freedom programme website, it’s about a good relationship vs an abusive one, first time I watched it I dismissed it but knowing what I know now, it’s spot on. Knowledge really does help here, even if it gives you a drop of self confidence back that you’re not crazy, it helps xx

    • #146392
      longjourneylife
      Participant

      Oh my goodness, Banana boat is right. His niceness only serves him ( he gets you compliant) and it doesn’t feel right for you. Because it’s not right. He is abusive and you’re losing yourself. I only really made any changes when I saw the effects on the kids, because it gets worse and harder as they get older. If you’re on the mortgage you both need to agree to sell. Maybe let him go on ahead the (detail removed by Moderator) miles to ‘get settled’ and then simply don’t follow…🤷 Anyway, trust yourself, you know what goes against the grain for you, and clearly your situation is not working for you, and it should!

    • #146393
      WonderFall
      Participant

      I feel sick talking about it, like im betraying him. My name isnt on the mortgage, my name isnt actually on anything. Ive just existed the past few years without realising and the thought of moving away with him just gives me an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach and i dont know why.

      • #146412
        gettingtired
        Participant

        That awful feeling is your gut instinct telling you lovely. Mine made us move and everything in my being was screaming “this is wrong, don’t move!”. But I did (well I sort of did but I stay with my family a lot) and everything is exactly the same except I’m further from family. We end up ignoring our gut instinct because of the control and the nice parts they show us during the cycle of abuse x

    • #146398
      Mellow
      Participant

      It gives you that feeling cause it’s wrong he’s excluding you from family and friends and your normal life .run! Find a refuge to stay .I’ve been through what you are going through it’s not love he just treating you like dirt my ex partner has done this to me calls me crazy and only his opinion matters and I’m not allowed to disagree also the whole woman thing we are to cook and clean nothing else .the forgetting what you say the mind games .ignoring you when you bring something uncomfortable up what they have done.the lack of real communication.the silent treatment.then nice when they feel like it maybe they want something.no.it’s manipulation.and you are smart !you don’t have a job cause he probably dosent want you to have one your intelligent you have just realised what he’s done so you are don’t lower yourself.mine makes fun of me everyday as it’s about my body he says I’m over reacting I don’t like it name calling every day for no reason he has called it me every day for years and now my kids call it me don’t let this be you tell him to stop!it’s not fair

    • #146400
      tiredofitall
      Participant

      This sounds similar to my husband too. Everything on his terms otherwise its the silent treatment. I actually got happy with the silent treatment because it meant I wasn’t experiencing the other which was a non stop monologue of why I was wrong and he was right which wouldn’t stop until I accepted I was wrong. That’s now how people who love and respect us, should be treating us. Mine also wanted to move us all away from everyone I know. My name is on the mortgage so I had a bit more leverage but I refused. He holds it against me all the time but my gut was telling me I’d be subjected to the same behaviour but with no escape and I knew I’d buckle I’m that situation. It does get harder as the children get older. They see it all. Trust yourself and your instincts. Keep talking and posting x

    • #146401
      WonderFall
      Participant

      Thank you all for your replies. So many woman seem to go through this its almost normal. Ive been alone for so long it seemed like no one understood. He has been getting worse the past few months which i think is why im so reluctant to move so far away. I can’t stop him and i need to go with him. I honestly don’t know why he married me, he genuinely believes that woman are beneath him, he acts like its all a joke, but its been years or the same insults, same behaviour, same punishments. He is the head of the house, im only a woman, just his housewife, its at the point where i feel like nothing and i believe him but my instinct and gut are telling me hes been wrong all this time. I dont know where its come from

    • #146409
      WonderFall
      Participant

      Why do i feel like im betraying him? Like its not as bad as it seems. He is so good to me in other ways. He works hard for us and loves me. Why do i feel like im in the wrong? I feel like hes got my head all messed up with his personality swings.

    • #146416
      WonderFall
      Participant

      And he does something like today, he gave me £*** to go and buy new clothes, ive not had new clothes for almost (detail removed by Moderator) years then out of the blue he does something really nice like that. Its a complete 180 from yesterday. Just messes with my head and i think he really does love me.

    • #146417
      disorganised
      Participant

      Dear WonderFall, my partner is the same. He is not physical and never raises his voice, but I get constant criticism and horrible silent treatments that are only over once I agree to whatever he is proposing or show that I understand what I did wrong and apologise profoundly. He is also making me move in a few months (to a different country) and everything inside of me is screaming that I shouldn’t go but I feel like I’m on a rollercoaster that I can’t stop. I get physically sick when I think about moving, but I know I will go through with it anyway because I feel so guilty.
      As for the money for clothes, my partner would do the same. Sometimes after a horrible argument he would buy me things or do something thoughtful, but I know now that he is not doing it because he loves me. It’s another form of manipulation. I’m wishing you all the best, you are not alone in this. Listen to your gut feeling ❤

    • #146420
      RedStrawberry
      Participant

      Hi wonderfall my ex used to do exactly the same, things had to be done his way even if it made it more difficult for me. I did everything for him, and it wasn’t enough. He would lose it over the smallest thing for example leaving the milk out but then completely not bothered over important things. As for the number of silent treatments I got and had no idea why. I would be constantly apologising. He also made a big family affecting decision without consulting me and that ultimately let to his behaviour getting worse. He said my communication was bad but he expected me to be a mind reader and the same randomly telling me to go treat myself to something. I realise now what he was doing but had no clue while I was living it.

    • #146428
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Hey, i couldve also wrote your post. I have 3 kids been married ages and did not see it as abuse that word still noe makes me feel sick i still cant quite believe it. Mine tells me how my place is sitting at home waiting for him. How he hopes my illness leads me to be in a wheelchair so he knows where i am all the time then tells me it was a joke that im over reacting. It was my bday (detail removed by Moderator) and i got nothing at all just the offer of sex and then nastyness when i turned him down. I could list what he says and does for days but heres just a few for now so He tells me how im useless then next day how much he loves me how he works hard so i dont have too and he doesnt understand why i do. We went away for his bday and somehow i got drunk and i actually have no memory of what happened he has great delight in telling me what I did and it was things id never ever do he laughs and says how out of it I was. So much more i coukd say but basically This isnt nice a husband should not behave this way. But we dont often see it as its so hard to see when you are there.
      Well done for coming here took alot of courage. Read posts arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can it really will guide you through the days months ahead. Keep talking sweetie and keep reaching out for help. X*x

    • #147713
      WonderFall
      Participant

      Not sure if anyone will read this but i just need to vent and have no where but here to do so. Currently on day three of silent treatment from him because i got annoyed at him for ignoring me. He spoke to like i was a child telling me to (detail removed by moderator). It infuriated me, im used to him speaking down to me and treating me like im beneath him but something about what he said just got to me. Why does he have to make me feel so small all the time, its just wearing me down, non stop, why does he even stay with me if he feel this way??? If im that bad of a wife and im so beneath him why doesnt he just leave me? My head is just a mess and its affecting my mood and the kids can sense it.

      • #147719
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Making you feel small, makes him feel big. They are quite like toddlers actually in that it’s their way or a tantrum. As horrible as this silent treatment is, try to use the time for yourself – go read a book or watch tv in bed, have a bath or spend time with the kids, use it to read up on abuse just don’t waste time worrying about him or trying to convince him to come out of the mood – he knows what he’s doing, he wants you to feel bad and beg him to listen/change your behaviour, and he’ll no doubt suddenly come in one day and act like none of it happened. Look after yourself x

      • #147722
        WonderFall
        Participant

        I struggle to relax when hes like this. Everything im doing or have done is always going through my head. I start anrgy at him for giving me the silent treatment then i end up thinking about all the ways i messed up, what i did wrong etc. How can one person have so much control over you without you even realising.

    • #147715
      Auriel
      Participant

      Misogyny, dissmissing, stonewalling,invalidating, those jokes aren’t jokes, jokes have a punchline they’re about something else for both to be shared, these aren’t jokes (they’re slyly hidden statements and comments) your husband thinks he’s above you (either you or women in general) usually these people have 0 respect for women but will use them in every way possible (you are correct on your feelings) attemps are being made to dismiss every feeling and hurt you have (and you’ll end up harbouring them and they’ll fester inside you causing you more damage and maybe depression or worse) but now it’s been opened up by you (obviously being a kind of aware to be able to post this message) and us validating you and letting you know exactly what’s going on, now you can decide what you want to do about it (if anything), he sounds like the king character in the freedom programme course (it’s an eye opening course I highly highly recommend it) please keep posting
      💗🤗💗

      • #147723
        WonderFall
        Participant

        I know the jokes arent really jokes now, its hurtful that i can beg him to stop and not be mean to me like that and he just doesnt care. He truly does believe woman are beneath him, except his mother, she couldnt get any higher on his pedestal. I can feel myself slipping into low moods more often, especially with a (detail removed by moderator) baby, really doesnt help. What actually is the freedom programme? Ive heard of it but dont know what ot actually is

      • #147726
        Auriel
        Participant

        It’s both a course and a book , the book is called living with the dominator by pat craven and the course is an 8 week teaching of different abuse characters and the treatments they bring and cause in the relationship, it can be done online and in a group (“if” the groups are starting up again) contact womens aid and if there are any in your area, maybe you can go (I read you have a baby but I think the age was moderated) but yeah if your able to go it would be amazing, and remember just because he treats you like your a step down doesn’t mean you are (it’s abusers words and actions that are a step down) 💚💙💜

      • #147727
        WonderFall
        Participant

        Thank you, ill have a look online for information about it. I couldnt go to any actual place though, I have 3 children.

    • #147728
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      I am currently reading why did i stay rebecca humpries its a real eye opener to those tiny little niggles that comment that silent treatment its a good read.
      I struggle with all you have said alot of us do you are not alone.
      Read read and read more honestly the more you learn the more you will grow in strength and you will be able to see that what he is doing is abuse nasty rotten abuse and you do not deserve this. When you are ready womans aid are there ive been here a year and not yet reached out but i am learning so much growing so much and getting stronger.
      Theres no rush but do reach out to a friend a dr or family member you can trust keep posting and talking to is here as we know we got you sweetie. Stay strong focased and believe this is him this is abuse and you dont deserve to be treated this way. X

      • #147729
        WonderFall
        Participant

        Thank you for replying, sorry to hear your going through that. Its eye opening how many woman seem to go through this type of behaviour from their partner/husbands. I never thought that there was so many. I dont have nayoneto talk to about this. Everyone thinks hes amazing. Only i seem to get the worst of his issues.

      • #147758
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Oh yes mine is amazing to everyone too my parents love him and he plays up to them so bad its madening right? I have nobody either which is why this forum is so good feel free to private message anytime sweetie but also try and reach out even if its to a dr you need support out there you really do, you will be believed sadly its more common than you think x*x

      • #147764
        WonderFall
        Participant

        It is quite maddening. I sometimes wonder why he married me when it feels like he doesnt even like me a lot of the time. Everyday im seeing more and more of what hes been doing without me realising. X

      • #147765
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Having recently got out, it’s been interesting how many people now say to me they weren’t fully comfortable around him – they want us to think they are charming everyone and everyone likes them but I recognise now it’s often people just being polite! I thought my parents loved him, he’d always help them but even they say they could tell he was putting an act on. It’s true they ‘perform’, that was quite a powerful realisation x

      • #147766
        WonderFall
        Participant

        Well done for getting out. Was it hard? I wonder if people think the same about my husband. I always feel like they would take his side, hes so perfect to everyone x

      • #147768
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        It was a rollercoaster but something inside just broke one day, took several months after to leave and I saw every version of him to try and stop me. Now I’m out there’s still ups and downs but it’s definitely better out!

        Funnily enough I watched him interacting with people in (detail removed by moderator) recently and instead of seeing someone with lots of mates, could talk to anyone, liked by everyone I actually saw the reality – he’s sat there on his own, he’s talking to strangers because he’s alone and I watched how these people wanted to get away when he collared them. Eye opening for sure! x

      • #147769
        WonderFall
        Participant

        How do you cope alone? Do you have kids? It must have been strange to see him in that light. I couldnt imagine it. X

      • #147786
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        Yeah I have kids and to be honest, I’d been doing 99% of the parenting alone already, he was never there in an emergency, special events got ruined all that good stuff. When alone you do it without the anxiety and worry about him. It’s silly things like being able to get up when we want that we love, being spontaneous and just going to park or shops in an evening rather than having to sit with him. It’s hard doing anything alone, recently we’ve all been ill and there’s no one to say can you just help for 5 mins but you don’t realise just how much time you spent worrying and living under a cloud until out x

    • #147744
      WonderFall
      Participant

      Im supposed to be meeting my (detail removed by moderator) for (detail removed by moderator), we get to meet up a (detail removed by moderator), and im so worried he might not let me go now, i know he cant stop me going but he would leave and leave the kids so i couldnt go, hes done that before. He finally spoke to me after i did what he wanted so im hoping he wont change his mind. I look forward to seeing her so much and its only (detail removed by moderator) i get to.

      • #147760
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Again yes i used to have to have sex with mine if i ever wanted to go out so i stopped going out now i have no friends apart from shared ones. Do not let him bully you into not going having a life away from him is vital xx

      • #147762
        WonderFall
        Participant

        He will do it again tomorrow before i go out, he always does it and says its to remind me who i belong to like im going to cheat on him while out for dinner, its silly. I try not to let him stop me seeing friends even if i have to do certain things to be able to. How do you private message? X

      • #147767
        Bananaboat
        Participant

        I remember all this, you should be excited to be having a night out not dreading what he’s going to do to ruin it. I used to prepare myself with a back up plan in my head, like having someone else potentially lined up to have kids (saying something like oh I think X might be working or isn’t feeling well), or having an alternative location in mind where I could take kids along too. Don’t let him stop you going out – he’ll be miserable whether you stay or go xx

    • #147774
      WonderFall
      Participant

      Is it strange that even though i can sort of see what hes been doing and i hate how he treats me sometimes, that i love him, i just want him to be happy and the way we were before. We met and married fast, he was amazing, thoughtful, kind and everything else i could have wanted. Hes still is all those things just not to me. Funny things is i was in a violent relationship in my late teens. Took me (detail removed by Moderator) to leave. But that was obvious, he hit me. There was no grey area where i was asking myself if it was abuse or not. I didnt question my own sanity. It was clear what he was doing. This is different, i never thought id be in another situation like this, i still dont feel like what my husband is doing is abuse, is that normal???

      • #147816
        nbumblebee
        Participant

        Oh yes ive been here over a year and still doubt still dont believe I know somethings not right I know its hard work harder than it should be but that word Abuse I just cant see it accept it or believe it no matter how many times people tell me it is i still believe its in my head.
        I guess theres no time limit on this everuthing is done in your own time when you are ready.
        I am trying to just focas on myself doing things for me ive learned not to tell him so he cabt stop it yep its lonley but its safer. Thats the main thing keeping safe. Mine threatens me and has hit me in the past he gets very angry so I do all I can to keep him calm whilst living my own life its almost like 2 lives.
        You will find your way firstly you need to work on you read learn understand this if you can open up to someone womans aid chat try that just talk and learn it will help. X

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