Not seeing my family because of mistakes I made?

[butterflyidk]

My partner is incredibly keen on spending all our time together and me living with him. Something at my age I’m not comfortable with and want to continue living with my sister and mother. It’s caused many issues and (detail removed by moderator) I had a family emergency, my (detail removed by moderator) and I had to be there to help her. This meant I was unable to get to his for his (detail removed by moderator). He was so angry at me, and I understand why. Even though he ruined (detail removed by moderator), by getting mad at me for wanting to see my parents (detail removed by moderator), he was so angry and holds against me still too this day. Soon it is my friends (detail removed by moderator) and I mentioned it and he got so angry because (detail removed by moderator) but am talking about a friends. We spoke about jt and he essentially expects me to not see my family or my friends for Christmas or their (detail removed by moderator). I’m so confused, I know I was in the wrong (detail removed by moderator) but I don’t see why I can’t see my family. Is this right? Am I the one in the wrong? It feels like because I’ve let him down I’m not allowed to see my family anymore.

[Camel]

There are huge red flags here!

He’s pressuring you to live with him.
He wants it to be just you and him, always.
He’s making it difficult for you to see family and friends.
These are signs he’s trying to isolate you.

He’s punishing you for caring more about your sister’s health than spending (another!) night in with him. This is entitled and self-centred behaviour. Believe me, you didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, is he 5 or what?

You are still young, still living at home. Please call time on this relationship before it gets worse. And it will.

[gettingtired]

Please do not move in with this man.
Like Camel says, there are huge red flags showing here.
You’re not in the wrong for missing (detail removed by moderator). There was a family emergency that you needed to attend. Yes it’s unfortunate that it occured  (detail removed by moderator) but a healthy person would accept that you needed to help a close family member in need, not punish you and make you feel guilty. You’ve already mentioned that he ruined (detail removed by moderator) because you wanted to see your own parents for a meal. This is not normal behaviour and again like Camel said, it will only get worse. My advice is to get out now before you become more attached. In my experience living together meant the abuse has gotten much worse x

[Hawthorn]

No you have done nothing wrong. Camel and gettingtired are right, there are many red flags here. It was not wrong of you to go to help your sister in a crisis. A caring partner would not only accept this, they would encourage you to be there for your loved one in their time of need. His behaviour suggests he only cares about himself, and having his needs met.

He deliberately ruins (detail removed by moderator) and doesn’t care or apologise, but you must be forever remorseful for missing (detail removed by moderator) for completely legitimate reasons? That is not love, it demonstrates a complete lack of empathy or care for your feelings.

Isolating us from our friends and family is step one in the abusers handbook. Don’t let him do this to you. This type of behaviour only gets worse, not better. No one should be telling you who you can and can’t see or rushing you into a level of commitment you are not comfortable with.

Save yourself and get out of this situation before it escalates further. Spend some time thinking about how much you are worrying about what HE thinks, and start to focus on what YOU think. Does someone who is controlling and fights with you on (detail removed by moderator) make you happy? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who is possessive and doesn’t want you spending time with your family and friends? A relationship that confuses you so much you are bravely reaching out on a forum for domestic abuse survivors?

You deserve far far better. Keep reaching out, we are here for you. Sending a big hug and hope your sister is doing better xx

[Grey Rock]

FOG. Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

These are their weapons of choice for non-physical abuse. You weren’t in the wrong. He’s behaving like a selfish child. Like others said, lots of red flags. I do hope you’ll listen to your gut and not move in with him.

GR

[Camel]

There’s one piece of advice I wish I’d heard when I was young. Don’t believe all the drivel about compromise and working at things. A relationship shouldn’t be hard work. If things are a bit off at the start of a relationship, get out.

[Camel]

Sorry for hogging this thread! I wish I’d thought to ask if it was abuse when I was young. (When folk talked about ‘domestics’ and ‘wife-beaters, when ‘control’ was OK.)

I was going to say that it’s probably a good idea for Butterfly to work on her self-esteem. I wish I had. It would have stopped a lifetime of grief. I wish I’d laughed in their faces then dumped them. I wish.

[Eggshells]

Wow! It sounds as though you’re quite young but clearly very astute.

You’ve already been given loads of good advice by the other ladies so I won’t repeat it.

Trust your instincts, they seem very good. This is the start of abuse. Please get out if this relationship. xx

[butterflyidk]

Thank you so much everyone. I’ve been really upsetting thinking I have done something wrong and feel so guilty but hearing all of your advice and support has made me realise that his behaviour is abnormal and definitely not right. This is just the tip of the iceberg, he’s done a lot more. He goes through periods of leaving me and then comes back, but this time I’ve removed him and blocked him so I think I may have been saved from a lot worse abuse further down the line. Thank you all x

[Camel]

That’s so good to hear!

[Author]

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