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    • #120622
      Milkandcookies
      Participant

      At first after the breakup I was petrified I couldn’t sleep at all I’d be up till 4am staring at my door preying he wasn’t on the other side. I couldn’t turn the light off I was so fearful of what was in the shadows behind me. I didn’t know when he was going to strike again. But then as the days started to pass and turn to weeks without any contact from him I started to feel abit safer as it was like I was finally escaping. After 2 weeks every day felt a little less scary and I was starting to feel like me again. My sleep started getting better the hours went from 3am to 2am to 1am where I stay up waitign just incase he comes back to hurt me. I started to feel safe again after 2 months because it felt like it was finally over. Then I posted (detail removed by Moderator) for awareness of domestic violence. For the first time I felt good in myself for helping out others and telling them their not alone. To help people recognise the signs of domestic in their relationship and to help their friends notice controlling or manipulative behaviour. But most importantly by helping others speak up sharing my story on how I got out to encourage other people to do the same, to show people that there is still hope and that it’s gonna be okay it gets better. But the video got out of control , his friends were trolling me calling me a liar, a s**g, a silly girl acting like I’d made it all up for attention and that he wouldn’t harm a fly, that he “actually loved me”. I had people telling me that others now speaking out about their issues and women’s rights which were completely not linked to (detail removed by Moderator) , that they were encouraged by me that everything came back to (detail removed by Moderator) and that it was my fault if somone (this girl called out in her issUes post ) killed himself because of the people that may now start to harras him for what he said or if he got jumped or mugged. This would be my fault because it all comes back to (detail removed by Moderator) and that I was a hypocrite because I’m saying I’m trying to help others stop this but then I’m influencing it on others. This comment completely broke me . My heart snapped in half hearing that somone might kill themselves because of (detail removed by Moderator), even though it wasn’t my fault I began to belive it was it must be because it was always my fault with (detail removed by Moderator). I deleted (detail removed by Moderator) and removed my account . I blocked all of (detail removed by Moderator) friends who kept messaging me being horrible and the people messaging me about (detail removed by Moderator) encouraging domestic violence because I knew these people were only trying to kick me while I’m already nailed to the floor screaming for help. The next few nights I slept in fear preying that he’s not there thst he’s not come for me again that I’ve spring him with enough anger to kill me like he said he was capable of. But after afew weeks of again no contact no suprises I started to feel safe again. I took this feeling for granted. IBecause (detail removed by Moderator) he messaged my new boyfriend (detail removed by Moderator) instantly scaring me back into the thought that he hasn’t forgotten me he’ll be back and I won’t be here anymore. After (detail removed by Moderator) of this I heard nothing from him had no supprises nothing mentioned to me no fake accounts or attacks in my sleep. Again I started to feel safer like this I’d when it’s fiannally over!!! I was so exited to breath and not fear that it’s my last one . But lately my mind has been going crazy I keep having horrible flash backs and thoughts about the past and things he said . I know I am never aloud to stop being his property and one day he’s gonna come back to reclaim me and now everyday goes past it feels like a waiting game. Every night that goes on I couldn’t help but stay up longer feeling so anxious that he’s here coming for me. The longer it’s been the later the more chance of the day he comes back being tonight or tomorrow morning , the more scared I feel. I now don’t sleep at all I am awake untill around 8:30 in the morning untill I know my moms awake because then I know someone’s here to protect me and that I can now sleep safe. I keep a light on at all times because I can’t be in the dark , if I’m in the dark I can’t see what’s coming for me from my door. I can’t sleep on my left anymore as it’s facing the wall and he could be behind me waiting till I turn around , he could be coming through that door any minute thinking he’s got me for good now. So I can’t sleep at all now and I feel so drained and exhausted but Atleast I’m alive and I won’t be as easy to attack if I’m awake. I’m just really scared I don’t know what’s gonna happen or how I’ll ever get over this fear. But all I wanna do right now is go sleep in my moms room next to her so Atleast I feel safe.

    • #120624
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, it’s pounds like you may have post traumatic stress disorder and I’d urge you to talk to your GP. You can talk to the domestic abuse police about your fears and there’s also victim support and your local women’s aid. There is a national domestic abuse helpline that’s run by Refuge and there is a chat facility on here. You won’t always feel this way. I’d try to find some counselling to help with the anxiety. Abusers are liars and his friends haven’t lived through the abuse like you have. Abusers are good at wearing a mask of respectability but that mask always slips. Have you reported the abuse to the police? I’d come off all social media for a while to give yourself a break from the stress. None of this is your fault. Abusers will gather flying monkeys to do their bidding.if these people are harassing or threatening you then please report them to the police x loss of sleep was really bad in the beginning as was my appetite. Both will make everything worse. Talk to your mum about how you’re feeling. Do you have an alarm on your home? Could you drag your mattress into your mums room for a few nights if it helps you sleep. Perhaps the doctor could prescribe something to help until your brain sorts out the trauma x

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