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    • #42568
      Prettyflowers
      Participant

      Hi,

      I’m new to this so not really sure how it works but here goes. I am really unsure if I was abused or not and also how to move forward from it.

      At first he was fine, we got on so well and he was my best friend and I haven’t ever had that with any of my ex’s even though they have been long relationships. Soon enough I started falling for him.

      The warning signs were there from the start. I didn’t want to get into a relationship with him until he sorted his anger issues out, but one night he basically forced me to agreeing to being with him and told me I couldn’t leave until I agreed. So I agreed, he said it wss just the drink and drugs so I sort of left it as that. As time went on he’d call me constantly, if I didn’t reply quickly he would either turn up to my house and accuse me of doing something, or he would call 100 plus times (I would only be sleeping). This happened daily but he would tell me he was doing it because he loved me so much and he was worried about me. He done lots of things during the time of us being together, he would kick the doors in in arguments so I couldn’t leave, he would smash everything up, he would damage my belongings, take my phone from me etc. All of this would always be about him accusing me of stuff with other men.
      I broke up with this person and whilst we wasn’t together I went out with someone once, he says this is because I done this behind his back and made me feel like a cheat because of it but we wasn’t together? And that is his reasons for acting like this.
      I went back to him eventually because I kissed him so much and I love him but things were just way worse, I couldn’t look around whilst driving to check where I was going without being accused of looking at other men, we could never go anywhere without an arguments because of him accusing me of looking at other men that I didn’t even notice were there. He always told me I was up to stuff and if I didn’t reply straight away he would immediately turn up to my work etc. To check on me. I have been spat on, drink thrown over me and lightly hit for being accused of something I haven’t done.
      He is purely delusional but I am questioning myself if this is my fault for me meeting someone when we wasn’t together and that is why he has doubts in my head but I know it isn’t acceptable and feel like I am just making excuses for him.
      He would constantly tell me he loved me, that he was worried I was going to leave him, how he couldn’t live without me, that he knew I could do better, how beautiful I am and all stuff like that every single day. He would act obsessed with me. But this is why I don’t understand why he would treat me this way.
      I have done the no contact for a few months now and I do miss him and I do love him despite how badly he has treated me. I do not want him back but I just want these thoughts out of my head. Has anyone got any advice?
      Thank you so much x

    • #42607
      Serenity
      Participant

      You certainly were abused.

      I read that abusers abuse because they want power, or to try to get people to do things their way.

      It sounds like from the start, your ex tried all sorts of tactics to make you do things his way, and punished you if you didn’t submit. My counsellor said that one thing that struck her about my marriage was that I had no choice within it: your relationship sounds similar.

      You were perfectly entitled to go on a date when you weren’t with him. The reason he is blowing that out of all proportion is – a common abuser tactic- to make you look like the one in the wrong, so the focus is on you and your time is spent wondering if you were in the wrong and feeling guilty- and not looking at the real truth: that he is a controlling abuser.

      When abuser think we are discovering who they are, they quickly accuse us of things, to try to derail our discovery.

      I also told my ex to go to anger management classes early on. He didn’t, and now I know why: these abusers refuse to admit the fault is theirs. They prefer to blame the other person. They would rather go through a succession of failed relationships than admit fault.

      It will take time to cut the cord. You’ve no doubt got trauma bonding. I think it’s important to keep talking, educate yourself about abuse – not least so you learn it wasn’t your fault, that all abusers behave exactly the same ( they read the same manual). Talking to those who understand helps you to move on: as you talk, you are processing your experience. Don’t keep it locked inside you.

      Do things that help you to feel that you are worthwhile and of value: self-care, therapeutic activities. Read up about Dialectical Behavioural Therapy techniques to do at home, and Distress Tolerance. Counselling can help.

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