Not sure how to view this insight welcome x

[Confusedyetclear]

I wondered if you would mind helping me in this long winded post. I have been in a relationship for (detail removed my moderator) I had fallen pregnant during this time, had a termination after he insisted on this. After this (stupidly) I agreed to forgive him and accepted his reasons for having lied. Accepted they were no longer together but living together for financial reasons. Accepted it all. Like a fool.
During this relationship there has been a few obvious flags that felt abusive linked to sex which again I let go after he explained why it was my fault for not speaking up … And these have not happened again.
Often I have been criticized for things like.. (detail removed by moderator), the way I talk,look,walk… The fact I have cats , the way my car looks and wasn’t hoovered for him getting in, … ultimately resulting in him getting angry and always ending in me called (detail removed by moderator) and being reminded that real women are not like me. He “joked” that he would love to hit me but knew I would call the police and disguised this as a joke. At times his anger and controlling expectations means I am only ok in his eyes if I am like an Amazon Alexa… Doing exactly as I am told. I literally can not do anything right. If I’m happy he wants to ruin it, if he’s unhappy it is always somehow my fault that he can’t handle his emotions.
Recently I found out I am pregnant for the second time and feel devastated that I am in this position again with me feeling like abortion is not ok again. (detail removed by moderator). So I’m now pregnant with his child and I wanted to talk about it so I could make an informed decision. He refuses to talk about how the future would look and only confirms he will be Involved and (detail removed by moderator) I hold concerns over this due to the fact that the situation has been built upon lies and that I am aware this lady will not be in support of this pregnancy, despite me not being aware that he was still lying about their separation. (detail removed by moderator)
I feel un nerved, yet he is also able to convince me so easily that if I was just more relaxed, more mature, more well rounded and (detail removed by moderator) that It would all be ok. I have began to hate who I am , yet reality tells me that all friendships and relationships in my life are healthy and not toxic. It’s only him who makes me feel this way and I know my friends are very worried about my situation and how unhealthy it is. I have tried to end it many times and many times he comes back and many times I believe him over the reality… Becuase “I’m just too sensitive”
Just wondered if anyone has had such subtle lines of verbal abuse that they struggle to understand if it is abuse or if actually I am the problem.
Thank you if you have got this far x*x

[Bananaboat]

Hello and welcome. You don’t sound like the problem to me, but you do sound trapped in the cycle of abuse. This man is displaying a lot of red flags – he’s cheating on his wife and stringing you along, abusers often have a steady supply at home and another in the background. He’s gaslighting you so when you do speak up he twists it all onto being your fault – mine did this, it was how dare I catch him cheating rather than any kind of apology for actually doing it. He’s intimidating and threatening to take your child away rather than having an adult conversation.

You will never be able to have a normal conversation about responsibilities with an abuser, as you’re finding they just twist and throw everything around. Can I recommend speaking with womens aid chatline and getting some guidance on your options? You deserve so much better than this. x

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you banana boat. I think I do need to talk about it more to get a clear idea on my next steps. Each day I sway from being strong enough to do this solo to then feeling like the consequence of having my baby may be too big for me to cope with .you have described him perfectly. I am to blame for him lying, cheating, manipulating and for having a problem with it . If I was (detail removed by Moderator) in his mind but I would not want this for my children.
Thank you for your reply x

[Eyesopening]

Hey darling, I would not say this was subtle verbal abuse, it sounds quite intense verbal abuse. Thinking back to my abusive ex, he was always implying things, never saying it outright, but they still have that goal of making you feel terrible and ruining your self esteem so your not strong enough to leave, so you feel you deserve them and nothing better. This man is damaging to you and your mental and physical health. Please gather all your support from the poeople who really want whats best for you, so glad your other relationships are there for you. Remember its a truama bond proabaly, its not real love.
Contact Womens aid and you local domestic abuse services, talk to your GP, gather all your support so you don’t feel you need to lean on him for anything.
wishing you strength
x*x

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you eyes opening. That was really powerful when you mentioned if not coming out and just saying something. It has been the exact same when things are implied and I’m left to join the dots but know that his message was definitely not kind or nice. I feel stronger just for knowing that people can relate and that maybe I’m not crazy … Sorry you went through it however thank you for helping me xx

[Eyesopening]

I know that feeling of feeling stronger when people can relate & understand, thats what happens when you come to the forum or reach out for support. You grow your strength and your confusion clears. Isolation is feeling confused and alone, which is what these men want, they want to be your world and to govern how you think & feel. Hold on to those clear moments and keep chasing them when they fade. It took me and VERY VERY long time to see clearly and leave. Even after leaving I still have moments of confusion where I miss him and only can remember the good times. Its hard work, but utterly worth it.
Your name is great btw, thats a normal way to feel in an abusive relationship, especially at the end xx

[Mellow]

A lot of the abuse I’ve endured is suttle the abuse I receive can be made so only I can see or hear it .this could be him saying certain things to the kids or anything to dig at me .an on looker who was in the room wouldn’t even recognise it especially when for example my partner used to always call me this name it happened to often it became like it wasn’t a joke what I mean is it started to become like he was bullying me it was related to my appearance but I’d he had said it in front of anyone they would have laughed they would not know that he actually calls me that every day and it has become beyond irritating.another example is he is reading a story to the children the story has womens names in it he ask the children to spell and read them out loud.these women are the people he is cheating with but the children and no one else in the room know about that.

[Confusedyetclear]

That feels so cruel he would do that. Absolute mind torture shame on him. Sorry to hear you are going through this. When I read your experience I feel angry that he does these things and yet don’t apply that same anger for myself which is a bit strange .
I hope you are ok x

[Mellow]

I’m so sorry we are here to talk I’ve endured a lot what you have being screamed at for not cleaning properly not cooking for him he treated me like a slave he didn’t want me as nothing but a servant I had no benefit in the relationship not even the house bills he took advantage with those well he’s on his own now good luck to him.told I’m a terrible partner things to do with kids not good enough but he wanted me to pay for this wanted me to be a certain symbol he wanted me to look posh and high class it became clear I was also a status symbol for him to look like a great family man.I will say this though a lot of the time when they are expressing things your not doing they can also be speaking about you to someone else keep an eye on that family member friends etc.someone you are not close to he’s talking to about you especially the domestic tasks .

[Confusedyetclear]

Thank you mellow. It’s so strange you say that about talking about me to others becuase I have had that feelings several times and dismissed it ! It gets to appoint where I feel I can’t even walk talk or behave like a “real woman”. He seems to hate everything about me but won’t let me move on and live my life either.
Many times I have let him back but this time I will either be lucky and he vanishes which is doubtful since I’m pregnant or … I’ll hope he pesters me enough so at least the police will take notice .he seems to be abusive but just not quite enough for police to take me seriously which hurts as I am not the same person I was before I met him sadly.
Thanks for your message x*x

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