Not sure if i am the issue – new relationship

[Scarecrow]

Hi everyone,

I escaped from my abusive marriage a reasonable while ago (cant be more specific for my own safety) and I am scared that i have fallen into another unhealthy relationship.

I think I have written on here before about it but am not sure.

Its really hard to get it all out without giving my identity away so forgive me for being vague.

I have made a fair few mistakes, which i have learned from and am owning but i want to lay them out for clarity.

I didnt mean to, but i got into this relationship too quickly.
I told him everything about my previous relationship – because at the time i wanted complete transparency as i know i have issues with any form of control and sex. In my own way i wanted it to be up front so he knew what he was getting in to, but i have a doubt i cannot shake that tells me that i gave him the information he would have needed to be able to make himself seem better then he is or to know how to manipulate me.

Recently he stayed with me while my child was with their dad. I had done a course in the week that had left me feeling a bit down and reflecting on my trauma. He knew that i wasnt feeling great as he met me and gave me a hug to try and make me feel better – but he also (in a very public place) tried to (discreetly) look down my top.
When he came to stay with me he was almost constantly pawing at me or touching me in some way. I was busy doing things and not really in the mood – which my body language made very clear. Later we were on the sofa watching the tv and every break that came on he was touching me, i didnt make any eye contact and looked round him to try and make it clear that i was watching the tv and wasnt interested in anything more. There were constant innuendos which i didnt even respond to. Didnt stop him rubbing me through my top, looking down my top, caressing me and kissing my neck. Then when we went to bed he pounced, no conversation about this but lay down naked and started touching me. I am a historic victim of sexual assualt, which he knows, and i just lay there silently screaming at him to get the F off of me. I helped the situation along a little to get it over with quicker which makes it worse. He knew that i was feeling sick as well. More then halfway through he asked me if i was ok and i angrily said yes – that was all he needed and afterwards we went to sleep. Same thing happened in the morning, although this time he could see me as it was light and i just kept my eyes closed so i didnt have to look at him. I didnt make any noise or even get involved that much, just lay there with my eyes closed. He asked me if i was ok, i practically grunted, when he was almost done he asked me to promise i wanted it – but I really felt that he was trying to convince himself rather than me.

Why can i not just tell him to get lost? The words are there but they wont come out – I cannot tell him to just take his d**n hands off of me. I am as angry at myself as i am with him because he cannot read my body language and i cannot just tell him no or that i dont want to sleep with him.

Im so lost, i just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Scarecrow,

What a horrible situation for you to be in at home. This is a place where you should feel safe and secure.

I’m sorry, but this man can read your signals and body language but is choosing not to and trying to reassure himself that you are consenting so that he can justify to himself what he is doing. Any decent man who is in a relationship with a woman who has been sexually abused in the past would not dream of behaving like this. There’s a difference between showing someone affection in the hope of arousing them and letting them know they want some ‘romance’ to constantly mauling someone at every opportunity. This man wanted sex the other night and was determined to get it regardless.

I can understand why you didn’t want to shout at him, yell NO or GET OFF ME, or physically push him off you. It’s quite likely a fear of what he could escalate to. What more could he have done? Who would have heard you if things escalated and come to help you? We also fear ‘making a scene’ and making things a lot worse. We freeze and just hope they will pick up on our body language and actually stop what they are doing. You are not in the wrong here, he is.

If I was trying to come on to a guy I fancied and I was clearly not getting a response from him there is no way I’d carry on. I’d certainly not go on to sexually assault him because I wanted sex.

Reassert your boundaries Scarecrow. If you continue to see this man he will do the same thing again and again. Sometimes you may want to make love to him and have intimacy and foreplay, but on the times that you don’t he will know that he can just do what he wants anyway. It’s men like this who are rapists but would never identify themselves as rapists, they feel justified to have sex with their partners purely because they are their partners.

There may be things about him that you do like, but with all your knowledge of abusers and the therapy you are having you now need learn how to set your ‘standards’ going forward and ask yourself why you would want to be in a relationship with a man who behaves like this? I can’t think of any good qualities a new boyfriend would have that would outweigh him treating me like this and thinking I’m his for the taking whenever he feels like it.

If you can’t face dumping him face to face then dump him by text. Just send something like “After the other night I’ve decided I don’t want to see you again. There’s nothing I wish to discuss with you, please do not reply to this and do not call me or come to my address.”

Keeping this man in your life will just add to your distress and will not assist your recovery.

Best wishes,

xx

[Scarecrow]

Thank you Wants to help, you have indeed helped. I am torn – which i am sure is ridiculous – but i feel like he asked me if i was ok and i assented but my body language etc quite firmly was not interested to start with. We dont get to spend more than a couple of evenings a month together as i wont let him stay when my child is here so i get that he wanted to have sex but i want to be seen – not an assumption made that i am going to want to sleep with him because i have done so previously! I dont want to be groped every five minutes and then have an apology because he ‘cant help himself’ or ‘cant control himself around me’ – neither are things a rape victim wants to hear! I also have it in my head that my ex refused to acknowledge that he assaulted me and i knew it had – but i dont want to be the woman who cries assault every five minutes! But i am not a piece of meat either! He is lovely in other ways, he helps me around the house (even though he doesnt live here), repeatedly tells me he would do anything for me, drove here to be close by if my ex started a fight, is a pillar of the community with his volunteering etc.

Literally feel sick trying to go over and over this in my mind

S x

[Wants To Help]

I’m glad it’s helped you in some way Scarecrow 🙂

That’s what makes it so confusing isn’t it? They do good things, they can be helpful, other people think they’re great… and that’s how they get away with it.

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Only you can decide if this man is worth staying with, but don’t let his ‘good points’ distract you from the fact he has no respect for you or your boundaries when it comes to sex and intimacy.

xx

[Hereforhelp]

Hey, so glad you posted on here, there are lots of women who understand.

Your partner doesn’t have any right to treat you like this. Your body language was clear, he would have picked up the vibes that you were not wanting sex so he chose to ignore all that and keep on pestering and pushing. This is a boundary crossed, he did it again in the morning too and he askes you if you really wanted to! He certainly did ask for his own mind to twist it in his own head. So many red flags in your post regarding your partner.
You have the right to say no to sex without giving any reason
You have the right to say no, stop touching my body

Have you had therapy for your past? Could you speak to your GP about support/counselling.

The freedom programme is really helpful, I think it costs 12.00 online. Living with the Dominater by Lundy Bancroft is really helpful too xx

Keep posting ❤

[Scarecrow]

Thank you, so much.

I did a reasonable period of counselling, took me a long time to find someone I could truly open up with but just can’t afford it anymore.

I need to get out of the people pleasing mindset and concentrate on what I want and need. I should have dumped him before Christmas but I know he is going to be heartbroken so I didn’t. I need to put myself first x

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