30th April 2021 at 10:19 am #125367ScarecrowParticipant
…or reading too much into things where I am so on guard after everything my ex put me through.
So new guy and I started talking online during lockdown but we did know each other in person as we work together. Even typing this I am wondering if I am just being stupid even thinking that some of his behaviours are red flags.
He is a gentleman and opens doors for me, carries my bag and even tries to pay for everything – but all of this drives me insane as I have made it very clear that I will never lose my independence again and don’t want him paying for me. I don’t mind occasionally and I appreciate the care but I enjoyed being independent and I don’t want to lose that again (this may be my issue and not his!). He says he respects me as an equal but that he is old school.
Then there’s the telling me he loves me – 900 times a day, or so it seems. Constantly telling me that I am beautiful, that he didn’t believe in soul mates until he met me. All very sweet but very over the top and I find it quite needy and a little annoying.
Where we work together he spends more time at my desk then he does at his own – to the point that I have even started a tally of how many times he comes to see me during the day. He wants to help me with my work (he doesn’t have much to do) and I’ve had to stop him from talking to our boss about what days I can and can’t do meetings etc as it’s not his place to say – even if he means well.
He wants to spend every lunch break together – I go to the gym 3 times a week so that’s doesn’t happen but it seems he is with me constantly.
We had a weekend away (detail removed by moderator) to see his child (detail removed by moderator) and my daughter didn’t want to go and see her dad and wanted to come. There was room in the car so there was no excuse, but he said straight out that she could come next time as he was looking forward to having the weekend with me and for me to spend time with his kids (who are uni age and not primary school age like mine). He got upset when I told him I was annoyed.
Then there’s the messaging – literally as soon as I go onto Facebook in the morning my messenger pings – almost like he’s waiting and watching to see when I go online! He messages me from more or less the time I get home to the time I have to sleep – sometimes I even lie that I’m tired just so I can get some space!
He has made it very clear that he wants to marry and move in with me (we have been together a year now) but I’ve told him that I’m not even close to considering that and won’t be for years to come.
Then there’s the jokey comments about forgiving me for hugging a male friend, finding a work colleague (old enough to be my dad) as a threat – all wrapped under the guise of ‘you do know I’m only teasing don’t you’.
On the flip side of all of this, he is very attentive, kind, good with my kids, came straight over when my ex was causing issues even though it’s a (detail removed by moderator) drive, has cycled (detail removed by moderator) miles to see me during lockdown etc.
Am I being silly? I know some of his habits annoy me but I’m so far from having ever been in an equal relationship that I can’t tell what are red flags and what aren’t.
Thank you if you got this far x
30th April 2021 at 1:43 pm #125375HawthornParticipant
I dont think you’re over reacting at all. There are lots of red flags here. He doesn’t respect your boundaries around personal space at work, is using social media to keep tabs on your whereabouts, ignores your requests to maintain your financial independence to make you feel you owe him something, is love bombing you with his professions of love, his “you’re like no else” and constant attention, is possessive over your time, is trying to speed the relationship along very quickly with his talk of soulmates etc, is jealous(what on earth is funny about forgiving you for hugging another man? If that’s his idea of a joke he’s certainly no comedian)
and gets annoyed/upset and makes you feel guilty when you (rightly) profess an emotion he doesn’t like(annoyance). He’s even trying to control how you do your job!
Im sorry Scarecrow but he sounds like a walking red flag. That he’s being so controlling so early on in the relationship is a bad sign too. I think you know all this which is why you posted here. Trust your gut. If you wish to continue the relationship then I would set very clear boundaries with him, and be clear on the consequences; if he doesn’t like them you will end the relationship. For example; no messages in the morning/ evening. The only people who object to us setting boundaries are those who profit from us having none. Take care and keep posting xx
30th April 2021 at 4:17 pm #125380SecretlifeParticipant
After my divorce I found myself in a very similar situation to the situation you are in now. I fell for him, hook, line and sinker! I married him and XX years down the line I realise how he completely took me over. I gave everything thing up to be with him, my house, my job and even my car, I thought I had the idyllic life. I am desperately unhappy. He controls my every thought and has no regard for ‘personal space’. I long to leave him, and I will at some point when I feel strong enough. When I look back I ignored the signs and thought it would all be OK. My advice to you is don’t persue a relationship with this guy, he will take away all your independence, and probably much of your confidence. The relationship would be all about him. I wish I could turn back the clock, please don’t make my mistake.
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