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    • #141581
      Mellow
      Participant

      Hi I’ve been with my partner many years now have a (detail removed by moderator) year old I don’t know of what I’m feeling is trivial to some but he went back to his home country the first time he met this girl he said they are friends I accept this but then I feel like I’ve been disrespected he went back to the country while I’m home and started uploading videos of (detail removed by moderator) on social media I stated I’m upset he said it’s nothing I’m being stupid we are just friends I continued (detail removed by moderator) .response (detail removed by moderator) and I’m not sorry for what I’ve done it’s just (detail removed by moderator) whilst he was there he overstayed and never told me every time I asked he ignored me and changed the subject and even when I rang he said no one is in the room with him but I could hear it he then posted pic of said girl and said it’s nothing I’m over reacting I feel disrespected he said I’m being stupid over a girl (detail removed by moderator) on the way home he told me to collect him from airport with kids but didn’t mention him paying it was presumed I was paying and whilst he was there kept asking for money o once offered £(detail removed by moderator) he said if I dare send that he would throw it in my face I’ve left the house (detail removed by moderator) and I’m using the house I feel used but don’t know if I’m overacting cause he says he wants a relationship with me so far I have left he has not tried to contact me and if I withdraw contact he says I deprive him of the kids

    • #141592
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Mellow

      I am sorry that you have recently suffered the loss of a parent, I hope you are doing ok.

      He’s highly abusive to threaten you using the children to blackmail you this way. These are children, real life human children who need their mother. Its unacceptable and yes, stinks of abuse and lack of respect for both you, and the children, using them as pawns this way instead of real little humans with actual feelings.

      Its good you have somewhere to go. Personally I would want to collect from the airport , or wherever their point of arrival, and load the children in, ask him to buy some drinks for all you, and drive off, leaving him there to sort himself out, telling him to never contact you again, and if he does you’ll contact the police, consider himself warned. Then call the police tell them whats been happening and take your children to your own house and change the locks, alternatively take them to your parent’s house and do all your negotiating from there, whichever feels safest.

      How do you see it panning out? Ideally, how would you like this to go?

      Look after yourself and prioritise your needs and those of your children, over his.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #141610
      Mellow
      Participant

      Hi there I’m still at (detail removed by moderator) house.he callled I answered he said where d f are you and my kids I wanna see my kids he threatened to tell his family what I’m doing this I feel awful about .I told him I left cause of how he been making me feel he constantly says things are none of my business.I’m wondering why I’m in this relationship then .I left because he said he would leave when he feels like it but I can’t stay here forever so I’ve probably made things worse.he’s back in England now

      • #141624
        Twisted Sister
        Participant

        Hi Mellow

        he can tell whomever he likes. You are protecting yourself and your children. I had assumed that he would instantly think you would be at your late parent’s house.

        You don’t have to tell him anything, but it does sound like you need a lot of support in your life from local services, whether that be your GP, health visitor, local abuse services, police? Who would you trust to reach out to so that you can feel more supported in what you are doing. You have been very brave to make this break away from him, and I send you every strength to keep going with it. If he wants contact with his children you’ll need to use a third party, someone like a friend or family member that you trust and is not abusive who will take on this serious responsibility for you and your children. Its up to you how you want to go with this?

        warmest wishes

        ts

    • #141654
      Mellow
      Participant

      I told him another address and told the kids to say they are in a safe place I then got a text saying it’s over.but I torture myself I wanted to know if it’s final he never responded .I then sent another message saying (detail removed by moderator).he told (detail removed by moderator) who then called me .I said I’m taking kids out .but we have been away from the house (detail removed by moderator).I feel scared and anxious I don’t know what’s happening or if it’s abuse everyone story is very different.he dosent hit me it’s just words

    • #141655
      Mellow
      Participant

      I don’t have support I have no friends or family

    • #141657
      Mellow
      Participant

      He has now gone to extent of saying I kidnapped the kids

    • #141668
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Hi Mellow

      I would tell the police what has happened, before he does, but, you can’t kidnap your own children!

      All you can do is stop him seeing them on the grounds of their safety (and yours!). He would have to take you to court to arrange contact if you refuse it, then you can state on what grounds you have removed the children from his care.

      I wouldn’t answer the phone to his family or to him, it won’t progress anything, and you will end up suffering even more.

      You need to be prepared that these men, abusive men, and yes, those that don’t hit too, will spread awful lies and try to destroy your character. They don’t know who you really are, they just paint you a certain way. However, its clear who he is because of his actions.

      Would you consider going to a refuge with your children? I am not saying you should, its just one of a number of options open to you (whether the abuse is physical as well, or not).

      Don’t be tricked into believing that because he hasn’t hit you, yet, that this wouldn’t happen. Many abusers are capable of destroying their partners heart, soul and mind, and their children’s, through words, words to confuse, to deny, to minimise, to alter reality, to blame and to assasinate.

      Its when his control is threatened that he will strike, and his control is being tested right now, so he’s accusing you of ‘kidnapping’ your own children, and refusing to hear any words you say. This in itself very damaging to you, as not being heard, listened to can cause you to shut down completely, and you must keep saying wht you are saying, what you know to be true.

      Do keep posting and getting this out of your system to get stronger and stronger, to be able to make your choices. If you ever go looking for validation from him, you won’t get it. He will throw you ‘hooks’ to make you respond, and when you do, he will ignore you. This one is up to you. Either you want to be with him or you don’t, but here we completely understand your reasons for both, but by talking and listening you will come to your own choices through feeling stronger. With an abuser you lose choice.

      warmest wishes

      ts

    • #141680
      Mellow
      Participant

      Hi again after the text message saying it’s over I sought validation and he didn’t respond I came back to the home because my son has (detail removed by moderator) in the area this week he ignored me I proceeded to say that I’m (detail removed by moderator) there is a (detail removed by moderator) near me I’ve left hun with the kids I don’t think he will do anything but question them I told the kids they went to a safe place this is my (detail removed by moderator) home he keeps saying what is this place?if you didn’t come back I was ready to come and get you he does not know where (detail removed by moderator) lives cause I have a false address but now I’m upset cause I lied .I know I lied about the address he’s not hit me now I’m upset he says it’s over but he looks at me with hate I can’t bear it o know he has told many people in family and friend what I’ve done

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