Not sure what to do

[Harriet123]

So I’ve recently spoken to someone from net mums about the emotional abuse I am going through which made me open up to a lot and realise what my partner is doing is not ok. Whenever I thought of abuse before, I always looked at it as more of a physical thing and never really knew how many people/women go through emotional abuse so I just shut down my feelings and thought something was wrong with me.

Since the beginning of our relationship which started (detail removed by Moderator) years ago, he was always very controlling when it came to what i wore and when I went out drinking with my friends. But in an indirect way, he would never tell me I couldn’t go out and he would never say I couldnt wear particular clothes but he’d make comments on what I wore asking if I was really going to wear that and if I was to go out with my friends he would be moody with me for ages before and after and text me abuse throughout the night saying I’m embarrassing when I’m drunk etc. Maybe I was but I was (detail removed by Moderator) and never doing anything wrong, I was just having fun with my friends. But it was my first relationship and I was already in a low place so I allowed him to say these things and let myself think I needed to change.

It got so bad that I would just rather stay in with him than do anything with my friends because I didn’t want the backlash of it so it was just easier to do what he wanted.

He had a gambling problem which I never knew about, I knew he had debts but I didn’t realise they were at the scale they were so when he told me about his monthly payments to pay off his debts I would help him occasionally even though he earned a hell of a lot more money than me. I was just blind to the actual issue and didn’t realise there was so much more to it. I now realise he would steal money from me, use my details to set up loans in my name, use my card to gamble but i didnt know any of thus until after we had our daughter and moved in together. I guess my mind let myself block it all out instead of actually looking into the issues. H is an extremely good liar and still to this day and can’t tell when he’s lying on telling the truth.

Anyway over the years it’s been constant struggles with money and sorting his debts to the point I had to ask my parents to help him pay off all of his debts which was a lot of money and I/he was so lucky that my parents were able to afford to help us as I can’t imagine what my life would be now if it wasn’t for them. There’s also been constant name calling, manipulating, putting me down and making me feel like a waste of a human being. Whenever he says sorry it’s always the excuse of he’s stressed with work or now that he’s stressed with not being able to do anything during this pandemic.

Throughout the pandemic has been awful, he was drinking heavily at the beginning almost everyday and gambling constantly and I was always the one who got the blame for his low mood etc. (detail removed by Moderator) time, I was ready to leave I went to my parents and told them about the gambling and drinking (not the abuse) and told one of my friends but it was his (detail removed by Moderator) and we were due to go to (detail removed by Moderator) with our daughter so he sucked me back in and by the end of the holiday I lost the courage to leave and pretended to everyone that it was all fine as he’s now promised to get help.

He never went to get help from a professional even though he promised he would. But his drinking habits did change and it wasn’t everyday he was drinking just a few beers at the weekend, which was fine. He had a few blips with gambling but for the past couple of months he seems to have been fine ( we share a joint account and I’ve not seen any dodgy transactions) but he’s very good at hiding things so I don’t fully believe I can trust him yet which I wouldn’t tell him as I want him to feel supported. So everything has been a lot better than it was, however, he still has his anger issues which he takes out on me each week when he’s gets stressed or annoyed or fed up and blames me for all the issues, telling me that he hates being around me, I make him miserable, he just hates me etc. Then afterwards he’ll apologise and say he didn’t mean it only for him to do it all again and few days later.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so tired of feeling like I’m useless and that I’m worthless like he tells me. Things have got better but there’s still issues and I don’t want to live my life like this forever.

I’m scared of leaving as I’ll have to move back in with my parents and I don’t want judging from the outside, he will make it difficult with seeing her and he’ll use her as a weapon against me. Like the last time I said I was leaving he told me I wouldn’t be able to have our daughter and that he’ll take me to court and win because I’m c**p mum and I’m unstable. I have a good job and I literally do everything for our daughter, I love her more than anything in the world, I’d do anything for her, I bath her everyday, cook her meals, wash her clothes, do her bedtime every night, wake up with her a silly times in the morning and I love her. I do anything that any other good mum would do. When she was first born he’d tell me that all I was to her was milk and that they’d do better without me.

I want to do what’s best by her but I don’t want her to be affected by the issues of having a broken home but I also don’t want her to be affected by the issues of being in a household where’s there’s anger and sadness etc between her parents.

He’s just done so much to me that has broken me as a person and I just want to be able to find someone who will truly love me for me. Although I’m scared that will be impossible now as he’s knocked my confidence so much by telling me I’m too skinny and I’m ugly and that no one else would want me. Especially now that I have a daughter, I feel scared people would run a mile. He’s been emotionally abusive to me from the beginning and has been physically abusive to me (detail removed by Moderator) and I do feel grateful that’s it’s not more than that as I know there’s women out there that have to go through that everyday. But I just can’t get over it, I can’t get it out of my head and love him when he’s been so horrible to me and still continues to be.

Sorry for the long post and for going back a forth. I hope someone can offer me some advice on what to do. I don’t know whether to wait until the pandemic is over to see if his mood changes when he goes back to work and is able to see friends again etc.

Thanks. Xx

[ISOPeace]

Harriet123 I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. The pandemic had definitely made a lot of abuse worse but it doesn’t make a person abusive, nor does drinking. You might find it helpful to read about why abusers abuse in Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft and Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. They explain that abuse happens because the abuser believes they are entitled to use abusive means if you don’t meet their expectations.
I would strongly recommend you keep reading posts on here and contact Women’s Aid. Even if you don’t think you’re going to leave imminently, getting a plan in place will help you get prepared for when you are ready and may even get you in the mindset for leaving.
You’re not alone. I’m still gathering the courage to leave and there are a lot of similar posts on here. You’ve already made huge steps by posting on here. Also, I totally get the fear of a broken home but it’s already broken by the abuse. A healthy single parent home is so much better for children and by leaving you’re role modelling that the abuse is not ok.
You’ll get there. Sending love xxxx

[Harriet123]

Thank you so much for the reply. I will definitely have a read. I’m finding it so helpful listening to podcasts and reading about it at the moment as it’s really helping me understand a lot more.

I hope you are doing ok and stay strong. It’s so difficult making the decision but it’s definitely something I’m feeling much stronger about doing when I feel I’m ready.

Lots of love x*x

[gettingtired]

Hey, I’m a similar age to you (I read your post earlier before moderator removed details) and I know what you mean about feeling judged for moving home! That mustn’t stop us from leaving eventually though (I’m not out yet either).
I second everything that ISOpeace has said 👏
My bf is similar to yours in that he’s never outright said ‘you’re not doing this or that’ but it’s the subtle comments and the abusive texts. It makes it easier to just stay in to avoid the confrontation/argument. Even before the pandemic I felt too anxious to make plans with friends. It’s not healthy.
My partner doesn’t gamble but he has drink/drug issues. He has taken my bank card before to withdraw money on two occasions (I found out) and he did seem genuinely embarassed/sorry but I don’t really trust him now.
Anyway, addiction is no excuse to abuse.
Do you feel like you could open up to your parents about the abuse?
I would not advise confronting your partner about the abuse and especially not about leaving him xX

[Harriet123]

Hey, thanks for your support. That’s exactly what it is, him making me feel anxious about doing stuff which just makes me rather not do it as I don’t want the issues that came with it. It’s so horrible and the worst feeling, especially when it’s something that shouldn’t be an issue.
I definitely feel like I could tell my parents and they would 100% support me but I know I have to be ready to leave once I do that as I know they wouldn’t want me to stay with him. They would never force me to leave if I did tell them about it but I just don’t want the issues it would cause between my parents and my boyfriend. So I just want to feel like I’m completely ready to go before telling them but I also feel like once I tell them it would give me the courage to leave but it’s just such a scary thought.

I agree, I don’t think I could ever tell him about how I feel on how he treats me as it would just make him angry.

Have you had any thoughts on what you are going to do?

I don’t wish this situation on anyone but it’s sort of comforting to know that I’m not going through it alone and that I’m not crazy for having these feelings. As I always used to shut my feelings down and think I was being over sensitive and that if I just didn’t do things to annoy him then everything would be fine, but unfortunately, he finds any reason to be angry with anything I do. He also always tells me that I’m attention seeking when I cry so that made me also feel like maybe I am being dramatic. But now speaking to other people and ready people’s situations makes me realise that it really isn’t ok.

X*x

[gettingtired]

I forgot to say he’s my first boyfriend too. Makes it hard as there’s no other relationship to compare it to and it can sometimes feel like the world would stop if I wasn’t with him if you know what I mean.
That’s really good that you feel like you could tell your parents and that they’d be supportive. I feel exactly the same as you in that I don’t want to tell them until I’m ready/ready to leave him as I know they’d be worried/stressed if I told them and hadn’t left. It is really scary so I totally sympathise with you.
Yes that’s good you know not to confront him about his behaviour; he will just try to twist it, gaslight and blame you.
I’m feeling a bit stuck again as mine has been better lately (probably because I’m not at work and I’m home with him). It makes me feel guilty again and like I don’t have a reason to leave/like I’d ruin his life if I did. In reality it’s been about a month since the last nasty bl*w up but it feels like much longer.
Yes this forum is an absolute lifeline. It was like entering another world when I joined here and learning about abuse.
I spent years confused and ignoring the red flags as I just didn’t understand what was going on.
I’d really recommend reading the books on abuse from the book list on here if you’re able to. Keep posting on here if you need to and feel free to message me if you ever need a chat xx

[Harriet123]

Yes, it’s definitely so difficult not being able to compare it to anything else. Also why I think it makes it easier to wonder whether you’re the issue.

That’s what makes it so confusing and so difficult to make the decision is because when they start being nice for a bit it makes you feel guilty but I think back and just realise that it’s such a cycle and it always ends up being bad again 🙁

Thanks a lot for your support, please also feel free to message me if you every need someone to talk to. Let me know how things go and if you have any changes. Xx

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