Not sure what to do?

[Elli]

I have been with my partner for many years now and have children with him, one is not his but he has brought him up since a young age. I had to change religion to be with him although I didn’t want to. I was scared of loosing our first child if I didn’t do this as he would of took child A away. Him and his family call me and my child another name what has been said for there religion. My eldest has also been forced into his way of life and religion. My eldest child has managed to leave and go and live with my family. Now he isn’t allowing my other Children to see my eldest and it’s hard for
Me to see my eldest more than once a week as I have to rely on him to look after the other children or I can’t go. I really would love my children to be able to see each other. Also since I have been with him I had fallen out with my sibling and just recently started speaking again. I don’t go and meet her though although I would like to. But not sure what he would say. I have stopped seeing most of my friends as well.my child that lives with my family has been in a lot of trouble recently and if my family kicks out my child then I will have to bring my child home. I’m so scared that my partner will leave and take my other children away from me as this is what he has said he would do. It’s like I’m stuck between all of my children and I don’t want to loose any of them.

[godschild]

Hi Elli, just wanted to say hi, im not familiar with how you can get help with your circumstances but if you call the Womens Aid helpline they will be able to advise you or pass you onto someone who can xx

[Savingmyself]

Hi Eli
He is using his religion as abuse . No religion works how he is telling you
You can leave with out telling him and get a new place far away and have all your children together and see your own family again
How can he take your child away from you if you tell people of his threats he should not even be able to get custody
If you think he will take your son to another country if he gets access then you make sure he has no passport and that social services know of his threats
Call the helpline as they can advise you better
Just don’t believe the abusive rubbish he is telling you and he is not a good role model of his religion
Their are ways to protect you all
Big hugs xx

[Elli]

Hi thanks for your messages. The thing is he doesn’t even know that I feel like leaving, he thinks everything is ok and he isn’t a horrible person. He has never hit me or anything. He is just very controlling. I don’t think he would try and take the kids to another country, but I do think he would try and brain wash the kids to want to stay with him. I feel like they already listen to everything he says. And I do actually love him. I have been with him for a long time about (detail removed by Moderator) years. The house belongs to me so it wouldn’t be so easy to just leave with all the kids as the school and my job and the house. I have asked him to leave ages ago and he refuses to leave. Or he says he will go and take all of the kids with him and I will only get to see them once a week. I couldn’t physically fight him and grab the kids from his arms as I wouldn’t want them to get scared and they do really love him. But if he did take them I would be scared I wouldn’t get them back either as his family all live together and would probley help him. I really don’t know what to do.

[Elli]

The thing is, if he would allow my other child to come back home and not force him to follow his religion. It would all be ok. But there is no way he would allow this so I am totally stuck in the middle of everything.
😬

[Savingmyself]

Hi Hun
I don’t mean to be harsh but not letting your wife’s child live with you is abuse . Forcing him to follow a religion is not okay if he did not pressure him he would more than likely join in anyway and when asked to leave your house threatening to take the other children from you is abuse controlling who you can see within your family and threatening how often you could see your children if he took them is being a horrible person it is not love . You have asked him to leave for a reason . He did not leave no respect for you
Women do not have to change religion to get married they just have to have a religion ,only the man has to revert to marry a women . Looking after another persons child is one of the highest things you can do in his religion and if he was following his true religion he would be being very kind caring and inclusive to your son and your family
Controlling behaviour is very very abusive
Big hugs x*x

[Elli]

I know your right but it’s like I’m stuck in a circle. He did use to look after my other child for years and brought him up as his own. But my child wanted to go out with friends and have space and not follow his religion. He even called him dad. If I am to try and leave and sort all of this out I feel like if it did ever go to court and he won, I am risking loosing more of my children for my eldest one which at the moment I do still get to see. I know it all sounds really bad but I am so scared of loosing any of my kids and the way it is at the moment feels like it’s the only way to get to see all of them. But still the kids that live with us don’t get to see their brother. It’s so hard. What would be my first step to try and sort all of this?

[Savingmyself]

Hi Hun I know your doing your best
it’s your house so you can stay there and he has to leave
If you call the helpline 0808 2000 247 they will have all the answers for your questions on what to do and how to help you
He has you so scared about loosing your children but he can’t just take them
He can be made to leave and he won’t be allowed to just take them
If you let social services know that he he holding you to ransom through the children they should help you protect them and keep you all together
But the helpline will know the best advise and support to give you
Keep posting on here others will be along to help too
Even if you want to work it out with him he will have to accept that your child is going to live in your house you get back your son and if he wants to be with you all he will have to accept it or go and live else where
Big hugs
Xx

[Elli]

Thanks, I think I might call the helpline and see what they say.

[Marthamoo]

Hi Elli. Ditto to everything written above. Non physical abuse is a very difficult thing to accept. It is very easy to convince ourselves that it isn’t abuse. That it is our husbands knowing better etc. It is abuse and it is very destructive. Our husbands chip away at our self esteem and confidence to the point that we believe everything they say and don’t trust our gut feelings anymore. We are led to believe we can’t survive without us and the subtle threats they throw our way keep us stuck in a destructive marriage. Keep posting on here and speak to the helpline x

[Elli]

The way my child left was by ringing social services on him. As that was the only way he knew to get out. Social services know everything and don’t seem to help. Not long ago I rang them trying to ask for help encase my family couldn’t handle my child anymore as my child keeps on getting into trouble with other stuff now. They just said that everything has been written off about 6 months ago as they thought that everyhing was ok. They are also aware that the reason the kids aren’t seeing each other is because of him and they tried to ring him to see if he would give it a go. He didn’t answer and then they sent out a letter to mine and his family’s house explaining everything and caused even more
Arguments because it said what I had said in the letter. He also lives with me and he isn’t suppose to but he would not leave when I asked him to ages ago. He just told me to leave and go to my other child. And leave these children then. Social services won’t reopen anything. They have been round my house and they said everyhing is ok and spoken to all my kids. This is part of the reason why he won’t let my child back home and I feel like he really hates him now. He says he doesn’t but he says he can’t come back, he’s gone too far down the wrong path and will mess the other kids up. Xx

[Elli]

So it feels like my option is to leave and be scared what he would do to me. ( but it’s my house so why should I?)Think he would try and do something really bad even though he has never touched me before. It’s like when I’m with him I’m ok. But if I left him I’m so scared what he would do. Or live with my kids here and see the other once a week until it goes wrong there and he can’t stay any more. I am quite confident and not bothered about leaving him personally just feel sorry for him as well as my kids. Don’t want them to end up hating me as they do really love him as well. Or I could call the police and get him to leave but if I did that it would all go so wrong as he holds grudges and would probley get me hurt or something by someone else. And he would be suprised as he doesn’t even know how I feel as I can’t talk to him and everything is ok at the moment. Thanks for replying to the previous posts x

[Savingmyself]

Hi Elli
You need to tell him not ask him that your child is to come back home and as it is your home that is what is going to happen .if you can’t do that then you can get him out with help and support from womens aid .
You are living in fear of what he will do to you if you stand up to him as that is how they control you by letting you know what would happen to you . Please please call the helpline 0808 2000 247 it’s confidential and you need to be able to hear all your options at least to make you feel better and have some support .
Big hugs xx

[Elli]

Yes I know I do. I have just rang up to speak to someone but they are very busy so I will call back later. I might bring it up with him soon. Just I never seem to get anywhere and we go round in circles. I say about my son coming back he says he will go with the kids and if he did leave with them, he’s on their birth cirtificate and if I was to call police I don’t think that they would get them back for that reason. I think I’m going to find out from a professional first before I jump into anything . 😀😬

[Savingmyself]

Hi Hun
Well done for calling them they will help you sort it all out what you want to do
Yes line up all your ducks and get all the information and choices you have
Keep posting we are all here to support you too
Hugs x*x

[Elli]

Thankyou x

[Confused123]

HI Hun

I would actually say your child is safer away from u at moment , call support line and get guidance how to get out of realtionship, these men know what they r doing is wrong, he doesnt have to admitt it to u , he is caring u to keep u where u r, he is breaking your self esteem , get help now

[Author]

Posts