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    • #125921
      Whoopsie
      Participant

      It’s (detail removed by Moderator) since I left. I know I should be happy but I’m not. I want to be but Im so full of anxiety. Can anyone help me make sense of this? I feel stuck and not able to move forward.

      My ex treated me terribly and I don’t know why I ever put up with it. He did convince me it was all the problems in the relationship were my fault. He kept promising things would get better. I did try to leave a lot but he’d always put up a big fight. He had my self esteem so low. I had no intentions of even getting in to a relationship to begin with but he pursued me until he got me. Only (detail removed by Moderator) in to seeing him we were in a car crash together, which he caused. I came out uninjured but his legs were injured including one broken leg. He convinced me he didn’t cause the crash. I ran after him while he was in hospital. He played such a victim and I just went in to care giver mode. At the time he seemed like such a nice guy and I thought I’d look like the bad one if I left him.

      Fast forward (detail removed by Moderator) years later. I had a sudden and traumatic death in the family. He promised he would be there for us, but after (detail removed by Moderator) he left and wouldn’t talk to me for (detail removed by Moderator) days. He left me in my time of need. I ended it. He tried to manipulate me a few times to think he’d done nothing wrong and I was the issue. I stood firm tho. It was so hard to do because I was letting go of that future he’d promised me too. Recovery has been so hard. I wrecked my brain so many night wondering was it me, was I the issue? It’s been horrible.

      On Monday while at work, a client told me something that which unknowingly set off a chain of events where I found out he had moved on, very quickly after our relationship ended, but I only found out several months later. It’s knocked me back and I’m not sure why. I’ve been told a hes flaunting it on social media. It’s like he’s adding Salt to my wounds on purpose. He knows my life was changed by the beavement and struggling with grief (on top of lock down) yet he doesn’t seem to care. It’s making me feel like I never meant anything. I wonder will he treat her better? I’m wondering why I’m even wondering that because I shouldn’t care, but I do. I’m so confused. My life changed so much because of him, I’m left still feeling the effects (detail removed by Moderator) later, I don’t feel like the same person anymore, while he’s happy and his life is fine. Where is the justice 😢 any advice on how to get passed this would be great, it’s eating me up. Thanks

    • #125923
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Whoopsie

      I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling like this having come such a long way along your journey.

      I think it is bound to hurt when you know that you have invested so much time, care and love into a man who never loved you back. It feels unjust that he wasted part of your life and left you with so much damage to heal while he apparently moves on unscathed.

      Sadly, the answer is no, he will not treat his new partner any better than he treated you, despite the image he might be trying to portray. This man is damaging he wants to rub salt into your wounds. He is not happy and he never will be so he will continue to abuse to try and make himself feel better.

      You don’t have to let him continue to abuse you. Your aim now is to focus on you. I can’t pretend that life is all smooth sailing when you leave an abusive relationship but please do focus on the positives that you have experienced – and there will be positives.

      For me, nothing outweighs that wonderful feeling of being able to come back to a safe, relaxed home where I can do and be exactly what I want. When I’m feeling down, I focus on that feeling.

      Try not to focus on him but shift your focus to you. You’ve had a good period of independent living; that is an amazing achievement when your previous life was so controlled by someone else. You may be making independent decisions with more confidence than you were when you first left.

      Is there something that you can do tonight that you would not have been able to do in the past? Do that thing and luxuriate in it.

      Do you have any go to quick fixes for raising your spirits? Walking, music, mindfulness. Even if you don’t feel like doing them, perhaps just give them a try and see Howe you get on.

      Sending love xx

    • #125935
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Hello, I’m sorry to hear of the death in your family and everything you went through with this man.
      I’m still feeling very stuck in my relationship so don’t feel I can provide much but someone recommended Dr Ramani’s videos on YouTube to me a while ago and I find them very helpful to listen to. Xx

    • #125942
      Whoopsie
      Participant

      Thanks for your replies ladies the support means a lot. I was having such a bad day yesterday, letting my emotions get the better of me. I’m trying to remember who I was before this relationship, what type of person I was before all this. She was strong and confident and she would of never have put up with half the stuff she did, if she hadn’t of been so broken down. It’s time to get back to that. I know in his twisted mind it will give him great satisfaction knowing I’m broken at home while he’s love bonding someone new. I’m not letting him win anymore.

      I LOVE Dr Ramani, she has absolutely helped me so much through all of this. I was new to the world of n********m but learning about it has made so many things make sense. I hope you’re ok getting tired. I’m here to listen if you need xx

    • #125954
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Well done for pulling through the day Whoopsie. You will more than get back to the woman you were. You will find that version of you again but you’ll emerge with so many more dimensions.

      The ladies on this site, we are something special. We have more than just strength, we have depth and understanding that many will never know. Collectively, we shine. xx

    • #125963
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Hi Whoopsie, what really stood out to me in your post was that you got out and recognised you’re not the person you used to be despite having lots of questions about the abuse. I personally didn’t find the strength to leave until I understood how abuse worked and how much I’d been manipulated. You must have so much more strength and wisdom than you think.

      I would recommend reading up on abuse to help make sense of his behaviour. I haven’t listened to Dr Ramani yet, but have heard good things about her. Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is a book I always recommend. I’m reading another book by him about healing from abuse, which I also think is really good. Read Why does he do that? first though.

      Abuse is all about control and abusers look for “weaknesses” (I used “” because they can be things that in most circumstances aren’t weaknesses, like empathy and looking out for others) or create them in order to manipulate you. You put up with his behaviour because abusers suck you in very cleverly. You don’t see it clearly at the time, even if you know something’s not right. There’s a think called trauma bonding, which makes us emotionally attached to our abusers. That will also explain why you feel affected by his new relationship.

      An abuser’s version of love isn’t the same as yours. He hasn’t moved on in the same way a normal person would. His priority is meeting his need for control over a partner. You took his control over you away when you left (well done you!) so now he has found another victim. You may wonder how he treats her because you wonder whether you were in some way responsible for the abuse. You are in no way responsible for it. Unfortunately he will abuse her too.

      I don’t believe the life of an abuser is ever fine. It may look like it on the outside and of course that’s what he wants people to think. But emotionally healthy people who are able to connect meaningfully with others are not abusive. He lives from an angry place, driven by a need to control that can never be satisfied and unable to connect with other people. Your incredible bravery in leaving has given you the freedom to heal and find joy and connection with others that he will never experience.

      Like Eggshells said survivors have a depth of understanding that many will never know. I have noticed that I have more empathy and less judgement than before. I appreciate that we usually don’t know somebody else’s story. Having spent so long with a story that I didn’t understand, let alone anyone else (the story being why was I still with my abusive husband), I am much more accepting that people will behave in ways I don’t understand. Being able to empathise isn’t conditional on me understanding somebody’s issue. I can accept that their experience is real to them, regardless of how I think I would feel. Maybe I don’t always manage it, but it happens much more than it did!
      Sending lots of love xxxx

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