10th September 2020 at 10:39 am #113375IslandgirlParticipant
I am brand new here, a lot of googling and thinking has led me to this forum.I am currently seperated from my husband of (removed by moderator) years. 2 children. During the relationship, i did suffer some physical abuse, but it was always my own fault. The emotional abuse – You are too fat to wear that, people will think you’re nuts if you go out like that. Now we are seperated, i found the courage to bring up all the things he did and said to me. I never said that. I think you’l find that never happened. Why are you making things up? If you don’t do things the way i say, I will take the kids off you. I had PND after my son was born last year. I recovered, by myself. I am strong, back at work, have a wonderful family network around me now. But he texted me and said that due to my mental instability, his lawyers have told him that if i don’t play ball regarding access – something i’ve never denied and activly encourage as he seems to do as he pleases, but because i don’t take them to see family that I don’t get on with, he says that I am mentally unstable, the kids will be affected and that I need to get a grip of myself and grow up and take the kids to visit family – that have had no interest in my kids until he decided they should – my family for clarification. My (removed by moderator) offered him their house and friendship after he ended it with me in (removed by moderator). My (removed by moderator) have sided with him because they think I have been unfair by not taking my children to see them. I am so tired and so scared that maybe i am mentally unable to take care of my kids. I’m stupid, I’m thick, i’m a terrible mother – he says 🙁
10th September 2020 at 2:42 pm #113386
Wow, Islandgirl, this is a heap of stuff you’re trying to process.
Firstly, make an appointment with your GP as soon as possible. It’ll probably have to be an online meeting right now, but it’s important. Tell them everything you’ve said here. (If it helps, email it to them, save having to say difficult things out loud.) You need reassurance from them that you are not mentally unstable. You also need your ex’s claims put on record in case he ever follows through with his threats. You need your GP on your side and you need everything documented.
Secondly, don’t believe a single word your ex says. You know he’s a liar, right? He says his ‘lawyers said’…Bullsh*t! Lawyers don’t pass on instructions through their client. Lawyers speak to lawyers. Judgements are made in court. Find yourself a lawyer with documented expertise in domestic abuse. Go to court and get visitation/custody decided once and for all. Don’t be scared. Attack is the best form of defence.
Thirdly, where do these people get off, telling you who has ‘rights’ to see your child? Only two people have ‘rights’, the parents. If your ex wants to drag your child around on visits there’s nothing stopping him.
Fourth, it’s very important that you stop any communication with your ex that isn’t to do with your child. This includes discussing/arguing about the abuse. You will never get him to accept wrongdoing. In fact, all you’re achieving is allowing him to continue the abuse. When he makes you question what happened, it’s abuse. When he says you’re mentally unstable, it’s abuse. Communication should also cease with anyone who isn’t supportive. Shut down unhelpful conversations as soon as they start. Say they’re entitled to their opinions but they must keep them to themselves.
Fifth, you’ve been really strong up to now, recovering from PND, leaving your abuser, going back to work…But you need professional support. Abusers never give up, especially when there’s a child to keep up the excuse for contact and control. Reach out to WA or similar. You are not thick, stupid or unstable and you know it, deep down. But you are very vulnerable right now.
You post says you’re not sure why you’re here. I think you know exactly why you’re here. Keep posting x
10th September 2020 at 2:47 pm #113387
I forgot to say, save every text and email he sends you. He’s so arrogant he doesn’t realise this is evidence of his abuse.
10th September 2020 at 2:50 pm #113388
And sorry, I should have said children not child…
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