Viewing 4 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #112232
      PaleBlueStar
      Participant

      I have been in an increasingly abusive relationship for most of my married life.

      I’m married to a good looking charming man child that doesn’t work and does as he pleases. I pay for everything. My money bought our house. Yet he is in charge of everything apart from 1. Working and 2. Any stressful stuff or paperwork unless it relates to money. He’s in charge of the finances because he wanted a role he said.

      He’s got the house and garden (not allowed to make a home or changes or garden or improve) and works a bit in my business but beyond that a bit of volunteering (Won’t do a paid job as does not want to be told what to do) and (detail removed by moderator). Expensive (detail removed by moderator). Lots of kit. Out all day.

      I’ve covered up for him for years working double time. I’ve fund raised for school and (detail removed by moderator) and cancer charities, I’ve entertained and bought thoughtful gifts – I’ve working through two serious illnesses including cancer. I’ve become legal guardian to (detail removed by moderator) nephews and he’s refused to engage and won’t let my youngest (detail removed by moderator) nephew visit.

      Yet now I’ve reached the end of the line and said I can’t do this anymore. I’m terribly unhappy. My children are getting damaged by his abusive behaviour and rages when he does not get his own way, I find people question me.

      I’ve not told many yet but the ones I have mostly just can’t believe it. Tell me we need a holiday or more time or marriage counselling (done it many times – nothing changes). I even point them to a letter I anon wrote (detail removed by moderator) which was published by a national newspaper (detail removed by moderator) and is still online. I begged him to get a job and give me space.

      All he’s really done is more (detail removed by moderator). Yet they still feel we might be able to make it work.

      I’m not waving, I’m drowning. I live in fear and my insides are liquid. I have no say and no voice. Everything is controlled. I’m back from holiday and having to quarantine. I fully expect to have to call the police.

      I’ve done such a good cover up job that now no-one believes me. They tell me I need him and we are complimentary. We aren’t. I’m my worse self. I do not exist. I am lost. I am getting smaller and smaller. Very quiet. Always in trouble. Terrified of spilling a bit of water or something and getting into trouble.

      I almost don’t have the energy to fight my way out This big black hole. But my children are suffering. My son is bullied and picked on. My daughter is being dragged into it by her father. He’s stealing her childhood and when he has his sobbing rages she hugs him to hush him and he clings to her and destroys her childhood.

      I speak to the solicitor tomorrow. Of course he will be here now but I may try and go to a neighbours house.

      I’m scared of losing everything and my friends because no-one wants to know when your marriage is in trouble. I’m up against ‘This Charming Man’ who has so much more time than me to do a number on everyone including my eldest daughter and parents.

      Not waving but drowning.

      Not happy – just very very sad.

      Not complimentary – just very controlled.

      Not cosy – just contrived and fake.

      Not me. Not me. Not in my name. No. No. No.

       

    • #112236
      Hazydayz
      Participant

      Hello palebluestar. I hear you! Believe you! You’ve done an amazing job coping this long with all this. And you have selflessly taken on extra responsibility. You are an angel! Showing the love you do to the children and their welfare now is of course a big concern to you and not surprisingly! I understand and I agree from what you say…You are married to a manchild who appears to be perfectly packaged as the outside world sees him? But it’s how you see him and the children too that determines your life and happiness isn’t it. This isolating period is going to be awful no doubt but see it as your opportunity to get this situation you are in OVER! Hold on just a little longer…you can get out of this! Safely I do hope! I know it’s easy to say! But…Don’t worry! about being believed, it’s a divorce your wanting ultimately remember. Your solicitor will support you and guide you out of this unhappy situation towards its end & freedom for you. The children will benefit from changes ahead and undoubtedly be much happier as will you I’m certain from what you say. I wish you luck & safe keeping, stay safe💞

    • #112237
      Escapee
      Participant

      It’s really unusual for those around us to understand what we’re going through. Invariably it’s only those that have experienced abuse that are able to appreciate just how serious and insidious it is.

      If you have a few people who are close friends, you could try showing them the letter to family and friends at the end of Healing from hidden abuse??

      I hope you have a really supportive appointment with your solicitor tomorrow – good luck xx

      Keep strong, you can get through this and be free xx

    • #112348
      Soulsearcher18
      Participant

      Oh this sounds so familiar. I’m sorry to hear of your experiences. It is incredibly hard to confide in others if they’ve been groomed too. I was lucky and had a couple of friends out of area and out of the clutches. Id highly recommend chatting to a da worker because they will get it straight off , let them be your support initially until you understand it better yourself . Then you can explain to others, some will get it, some eont. Those that don’t aren’t worth th bother anyway. Various ways to contact a way worker on this site via chat, email, or phone. Or is the directory to search for local da services. In the meantime keep posting here if you need to, so many of u get it completely. X

    • #112350
      Tickleribber
      Participant

      This sounds familiar to me too, the outside world doesn’t know what goes on behind closed doors and the public persona of the abuser is extremely convincing.
      A great many women my husband comes into contact with regularly seem to develop a crush on him, until he’s told to knock it off by their partners.
      Those that are single fall for it and he’s had many affairs.
      Even his mother thinks the sun shines from his @@@.
      It sounds like you’ve got clarity it what needs to be done though, which is a great thing, and please do look after your health that is so important going forward.
      It’s also good you seem to have resources to get started on the legal side of things. The financial side is why I feel stuck.
      Do keep posting, absolutely everyone here will believe you, and good luck.

Viewing 4 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2025 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content