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If you read this please, whatever your opinions I would ask that you are not negative. I have enough of those thoughts already.
Today I have finally come to the realisation that I was actually in an abusive relationship. I have been paying lip service and agreeing with others when they have talked about my ex being a n********t, how he was gaslighting me and using other forms of emotional/mental abuse but it has just hit home.If this is not the right place I apologise. I just needed to get it out. Obviously this is only my side of the story. (age removed by moderator) He is a high functioning alcoholic. He trained in (subjects removed by moderator) and held very senior positions in (organisation removed by moderator). One evening in (time frame removed by moderator) after he had been drinking, he barricaded himself in the bedroom and refused to speak to me. He texted me and told me I had to leave there and then. I didn’t know where to go, he used to tell me not to get friends involved, so I drove up to my parent’s house (detail removed by moderator). Everyone I knew told me to go no contact, so I did. I kept myself extremely busy. I went with a friend to collect my things (it is his house). We couldn’t get everything into the van and I had hopes that we might be able to sort things out. I became very ill in (time frame removed by moderator). (detail removed by moderator) she was put on palliative care and died just over a week later. I let him know and he sent a sympathy card and text. For the next few weeks we were dealing with the paperwork and arrangements for (detail removed by moderator). I contacted him in (time frame removed by moderator) to arrange to get my things. When I went we were both in tears. However, he said he had moved on and had someone else. She is there now. They were both at school together and she was always hanging around him when we first got together and they emailed some very flirtatious messages which I found out about but he swore there was nothing going on. I am jobless (detail removed by moderator). I don’t want to live where my dad lives.
I self referred to talking therapies but the first appointment is not until March.That relationship was meant to be for the rest of our lives. He would constantly be asking me if I was going to stay with him forever.I feel hurt, stupid, betrayed and overwhelmed. I do have the worst kind of thoughts. -
Dear Typ1
Just to say that you are in the right place. My ex is also an alcoholic – he was a high functioning alcoholic for years until he had a huge breakdown. It’s hard to accept that the relationship is abusive when at times it seemed just very ‘normal’ – whatever that means. But at other times, his behaviour wasn’t good.
March is not so very long to wait for therapy. But if you need support, there are other avenues as well as I’m sure you are aware.
Keep posting and if you want – feel free to message me.
Take care!
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I am many years out of a controlling relationship. Like you I felt stupid betrayed and overwhelmed. I found many people did not understand how I had been treated, infact it was the Counsellor I had at the time that made me realise what had been happening in my marriage. Many people said how happy we always seemed, how he was so supportive etc. I realised many years lated that it was his thing to present himself in such a way that everyone thought he was marvellous, but that was his rouse. He made us look like the perfect couple and family yet that was not our experience behind closed doors. He was so moody and unpredictable-I was always walking on eggshells.
After he left us I spoke with my doctor who arranged counselling for me. I was given a number to call if I was in crisis out of hours. Otherwise I’d ring Samaritans. Or I’d ring my friend or my brother. It was an exhausting and confusing time. Of course, although he had left and had another life and partner he still liked to drop the odd bombshell, just for good measure. I believe now it was to break me down, disrupt our lives and make him feel he still had control.
To this day I cannot understand what pleasure it gave him or how he had the head space to create his moods. I can only summise it is his sense of self importance.
I realised quite soon after he left that I had done nothing wrong. In that I mean I had been a loving wife and a conscientious and loving mother. His choices were his responsibility.
I hope this might help you. It’s not you that asked for this to happen to you.
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