Notable dates, feeling sad but moving on

[Peaceful Pig]

Hi there all, I’ve not been around much lately both because of feeling burnt out due to pressures of my often-triggering work role plus feeling I’m identifying less with my abusive past and moving forward. I hope everyone is as well and safe as can be in all the different stages you may be at, and all moving forward also.

I wanted to post as it’s a difficult time of year for me. It’s recently been my mother’s birthday, fathers day and the anniversary of a lost baby from a late miscarriage during my abusive marriage. Lots of mixed feelings are arising and this is the only safe place I have to share and release them. I know I am guaranteed understanding here 😊

After some time feeling less identified with an idea of myself as a victim of such shocking abuse from my own parents, but starting to develop a new, positive sense of self, the reminder comes with renewed shock though of course with much less intensity than when I first recovered the memories. But still, wow, has that really happened and have I really survived?!

I feel sadness that I can have no safe contact with them, they won’t receive cards from their child or grandchildren but just the reminder of the loss of us. I think about the control my mother is under, to such an extent that she would collude and assist my father in such abuse of me. Still, she made her decisions and the consequences must follow. I no longer feel the fear, guilt and obligations I did for so long, but despite their actions I can’t find hatred or wish them suffering. Their consciences must be unbearable. I just feel sadness.

It’s the anniversary too of my offering an opportunity to face the truth, at great personal risk to myself, and they made their wishes and their guilt blatantly clear. I could have done no more. But its an anniversary of contact finally ceased for good. An anniversary of the end of nightmares and flashbacks. An anniversary of no more dread of contact and the beginning of real healing.

I feel an urge to tell people what’s happened to me, partly out of a need to validate the truth and partly because I wish I could sort of celebrate my courage and progress. I partly fear relapse back into a state of denial and dissociation if I think about it less. I can’t tell people of course, because people can’t be trusted and can’t deal with it. Hence why I’m talking to you guys! But I do feel proud of feeling such love, for my children and me, despite what has happened. I am grateful for the opportunities I have to help others out of my experience. I really have come a long way and I’m truly glad to be alive, a feeling I’d never felt before.

Sorry for the long post but thanks so much for reading. It’s such a help to express my feelings.
Much love to you all
PP xx

[KIP.]

Hey PP, it’s nice to hear from you. It’s OK to feel sad. There would be something wrong if you didn’t. You have come a very long way and should be proud of yourself. Unfortunately we cannot choose our family but we can choose who we allow into our lives. You will feel better tomorrow. At the back of my mind is a worry that I will relapse but the longer I’m away from abuse, the stronger I get. You do too. Hang in there, it’s just another bump in the road. Much love back ❤️

[Peaceful Pig]

Thanks for your kind response KIP. I’m still a bit up and down. That’s just the way grief works isn’t it? To be honest I’m still not really letting anyone into my life at anything more than a surface level. A bit of a life outside of work, children and housework would probably help but I’m not sure how much I should push myself in this respect or just wait until I feel more ready. It takes quite an effort to be a good friend and frankly I’m so tired a lot of the time I put off making plans. I’m still finalising financial stuff with the ex too, so still not quite at the end of that long road to freedom. I’m very happy to be safe though and I think my foundations are stabilising! Xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Peaceful Pig,

it sounds very positive that you have been exploring a new identity away from the victim/survivor identity, I definitely understand that because nobody wants to be forever in the ‘woe is me my life has been terrible’ phase and we can’t move on and build a good life if we stay there. I think it’s understandable that you’ve been feeling sad, anniveraries, birthdays and Christmas are always so difficult and bring up emotions if you have had anything but a happy family life as these are the times society tells us we should all be having big happy meals together etc and it can feel torturous and like we have somehow failed if we aren’t doing this.

I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, that must have been so very sad. Perhaps it would help to have your own healing ceremony to mark the time. It might sound a bit hippy and new agey but you could say a prayer and light a candle, or smudge your own using smudge sticks, or burn some beautiful essential oils etc. I like doing this sort of thing myself as I feel it helps me to make a conscious act towards recognising my feelings and reminding myself to be kind to myself. I felt my ex’s presence in my lounge for months after I ended it, it was very unsettling, so I put some frankincense and lavender essential oils in my oil burner in the lounge while I read my book and it honestly has felt better in there ever since.

I appreciate the help you have given me as I am much earlier on the journey than you, and I hope that you continue to heal and grow towards the life you always wanted.

Sunshine xx

[Ayanna]

Hi Peaceful Pig, much love to you!
Father’s day is a very difficult day for me as well.
I felt obliged to be a loyal daughter all my life despite of what this man has done to me. Until today he fails to grasp what he has done.
My mother colluded with him and failed to protect me from harm. She knew and saw his brutality and encouraged him instead of protecting me.
I know that both my parents had violent abusive parents too. I made excuses for them all my life.
It never occurred to me, that their past is no excuse, although I was able to apply this principle to strangers.
I could tell other people that they were more vulnerable to abuse as a result of their childhood, but had that blocked out for myself for a long time.
I am not sure whether I was ever connected to myself. I do not even know how that feels.
Since the beginning of this year I have been feeling a growing anger against my parents. I hate especially how my mother speaks to me. I refuse to visit them.
My in law asked when I would come home.
I made clear to them that home is for me where I live at present.
There is a change going on in me and it happens subconsciously.
I started therapy recently. I am changing. I do not know into what yet, but I distance myself from my family more than ever.
My therapist is very careful with their approach. At first they only wanted to give me a few sessions. It just happened that I opened up in a session and as a consequence they decided that I need a longer therapy. I had to fight for this for years. I am glad they finally understood that I need help or I could die.

[Peaceful Pig]

Thanks sunshine, yes I think it is progress as each new cycle of grief allows me to see what happened in a new light, with more distance but more understanding. I now actually feel I have a coherent history I can tell that makes sense of who I am, instead of the confusing, terrifying muddle of memories I lived with before. I don’t really feel unresolved about that miscarriage despite the fairly traumatic circumstances, I think it’s just that the dates coincidence and compound the grief. Sometimes I think it’s​ best to just stop a feel it all.
Ayanna I am so happy to hear that you’re getting therapy and it sounds as though it’s helping. I really think distance is the only answer to allow yourself the chance to heal. Your anger is healthy and a sign you’re on the right track. I’m enjoying feeling connected to myself, it’s not just my toes now but all of me! I feel a bit like I’ve just come to life, I like all of my body and don’t want to hurt it or cut out the damaged parts anymore because I don’t feel damaged. I feel clean, comfortable and new. It’s worth the wait and the pain.

[Serenity]

I admire your inner strength, PP.

It’s so great to read your words, that your love for yourself and your children is guiding you through this. I am so glad that you are at this place.

You have within you everything that you and your children need for a life of beauty and peace. Those weak abusers need not feature in your life. Certain anniversaries trigger feelings of loss and sadness, but we get up again and keep fighting, keep creating and keep on giving love to those who deserve it.

Hugs x

[lover of no contact]

Hi PP,

A very inspiring post. And very inspiring, uplifting responses.

I suppose the sadness is the phase we have to experience before the acceptance. I feel it too with certain family members who chose to collude with the abuser and align themselves with the abuser against me. Its sad that it had to come to this.

My father (although in denial about my mother’s abuse of me, abuse of himself and the fact she was an abuser), chose not to join her in my abuse of me. My sufferings at her hands would have been a lot worse had he chosen to do so.

My brother chose to align himself with my abuser-mum against my father and I. He became my mums flying monkey.

One of my adult-children has aligned herself with her abuser father/inlaws and is cordial but distant with me. This affects her attitude towards me. She is distancing herself from me at present.

In my workplace, nearly all of the work-colleagues have aligned themselves with the abusers’ (there are several, including boss) against myself and whoever is the ‘latest scapegoat’ of the moment. Often this is accomplished by a daily-diet of character assassination and smearing of whoever is going to be ‘the target of abuse’ for that particular week.

I suppose the fact is some people will allow themselves to be the abuser’s flying monkey. And as you say, the control they are under that they would collude and assist the abuser in the abuse of us. It is all very sad. But we and others suffered horrendously at the time and the abuser would not have been so powerful if others’ had not joined them in their abuse.

I find reading regularly the posts on here and sharing my experiences makes sure I don’t relapse back into the state of denial. It also keeps me alert to the red flags in the behaviour of other people I may encounter from day to day.

[Peaceful Pig]

Serenity, thank you 😚
LONC, it’s so hurtful when family members and friends side with abusers. They just don’t have the courage and integrity we do, so they align themselves with who scares them the most to try to protect themselves. My dad did the opposite actually when I left my husband, he made out he was angry on my behalf. This was not only hypocritical but showed a total lack of insight into how abusive he is himself. He was trying to deflect attention from his own behaviour. This from a man who instead of protecting me, abused me himself and told me to ‘f*** off with my boyfriend’s’ at age (detail removed by Moderator) because he was jealous I had some male friends.
People often use our situations for their own ends. At least it’s a relief to clearly see through all their nonsense and stay away. Much harder when it’s your own child though. I can’t imagine how painful that must be.
Sometimes we need to remember the pain to keep us on track but I’m hoping that as we progress, and focus our minds in more positive directions, we find more kind, loving people are attracted into our lives instead x

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