Now he wants a Divorce

[Headspinning]

We’ve had problems for a while and I’ve been obsessing over is he deliberately abusing me / am I exaggerating/ am I as bad as he is. Reading the recommended books.

He left in a huff almost (detail removed by moderator) ago. After continuing the arguement on abs off by text we got to a place last week where he wants me to accept the recent argument was my fault and we can try again.

I can’t do that (I’m convinced it wasn’t my fault) and have suggested we agree to differ, use this as a chance to take a step back (because it’s just one of a number of arguments this last year) stay apart and seek councelling.

So now he wants a divorce. No middle ground. I don’t know if he means it or if he is bluffing. He has contacted some of my family to tell them we are getting divorced (not taking sone time out/ not separating until we decide what we want to do long term – divorce)

Is it me or is that a bit extreme? I don’t know if he is looking for a reaction. I’m hurt that he is just willing to throw away everything and go straight to divorce without considering a compromise but I’m not willing to try and change his mind as I have had too many doubts for too long.

I just don’t understand why he is so extreme and why he is taking it upon himself to inform my family. He said to family member it was so they could “support me”. Which if that is the case would suggest he is not all bad. I’m just trying to understand his motivation. Trying to look like the good guy? Trying to get sympathy? Surely it makes it harder for him to do a u-turn if he is blowing hot and cold.

Is it another mind game.

[KIP.]

Yes it’s absolutely another mind game. Yes it’s extreme. It’s designed to hurt you and to punish you and humiliate you with your family. To throw you off and so that you are confused and you approach him to talk him out of the divorce. He’s telling everyone without your permission or your input. It’s outrageous behaviour and no doubt he’s seeking pity and will be playing the victim. Tomorrow he may well have changed his mind and will be saying that he thought it’s what you wanted. It’s all been a big mistake. My advice is if he’s willing to offer a divorce then grab the chance now while he’s willing. Get things moving because this won’t last long.

[Headspinning]

Yes I think it’s a mind game too. My concern is that he has put the ball in my court to actually arrange it. I know he will have expectations of what he is going to be entitled to – and based on my understanding he is going to be sorely disappointed. If I get the ball rolling and he realises that, there is a strong chance he will have a sudden change of heart for all the wrong reasons.
I’m tempted to not show my hand to make him realise exactly where he is going to be standing too soon as I fear the reaction. If he starts acting like an idiot making announcements he is going to find it harder to backtrack.
No doubt he will also be making me out to be the bad guy when he realises he doesn’t get half of everything as I think he expects but I’ll have to live with that.
His sense of importance and entitlement far outweighs his contribution. He is entitled to half our assets over the course of our marriage, not half my assets from before our marriage as well.

[diymum@1]

He’s looking for sympathy from your family so I guess it’s emotional blackmail by proxy? He’s making out it’s
to help support u this is just a veiled attempt to loo like he wants the best for you. Your family may believe this and he’s hoping they will take his side. Your obviously going to have deep attachments to ur family so they carry the most clout/weight. So he wants u to feel guilt or even shame. He knows that if he pushes u away in dramatic fashion you might panic. It’s reverse psychology and lots of women go back mainly because they’re in a state of panic. I keep my cards close to your chest xx it’s very transparent what his intentions are he sounds like a n********t xx a very entitled attitude

[KIP.]

Get some good legal advice. Most offer a free initial consultation and don’t believe a word he says.

[Headspinning]

Thanks. Funny – I’ve read a lot about narsassists and recognise a lot about the whole entitlement thing.
I’m fully expecting a different approach tomorrow.
Yes – legal advice! I did get done today and it’s reinforced what I think will be the case.
Also, I thought I had to wait a year of separation for a divorce, turns out you can get a divorce quicker citing unreasonable behaviour / maybe I should just ask him which example from the last 12 months I should site!!

[Headspinning]

(detail removed by moderator)
A few hours later and he has now changed his status to “separated”
Who does that? Who values their marriage so little they change their status after a couple of weeks. Who doesn’t pause to consider how that makes the other person feel.
I know I shouldn’t care but it hurts.

[KIP.]

It’s designed to hurt you. And he even had the cheek to make sure you couldn’t miss it. I hate to tell you but if you thought he was abusive during the relationship, it’s going to get much worse now. Absolutely nothing is off limits. I was at the stage you’re at and he got himself into a relationship with a vulnerable woman and I was shown on her Facebook page that she was ‘in a relationship’ with my husband! It’s absolutely designed to hurt and confuse and force you back into his arms. That was the final straw for me and I went straight into the arms of a divorce lawyer. It’s a mental and emotional onslaught so the best thing you can do is block him on everything. His abuse is escalating and when you won’t change your mind and go running back, expect even more hurtful outrageous behaviour including lies and manipulation of friends and family. Just get yourself safe and stay safe. Don’t be dragged into his dysfunctional behaviour. He’s looking for a reaction. Do not give him one. X

[KIP.]

Shut down all your social media and stay away from it altogether.

[Headspinning]

Ok – I arranged for him to collect his stuff when I would be out. I know he spent most of the day in the house (why I don’t know). He sent me a pic of him in floods of tears and o e of our wedding album saying where did our love go.
I’m going home today to what should now be an empty house.
But he texted this morning – all very rational – saying he had been doing alt of thinking and given how upset being back in the house had made him he realised he wanted to try and fix our marriage. If I want to.
I haven’t responded. I think I’ll probably respond to say I need time to think things over. He was the one saying he wanted to split, he was the one telling my family, he was the one hanging his social media status to separated. I should say I am hurt by all of that and lack trust on his true intent. However – if I say I was hurt/upset, and he is an abuser (something I am still trying to reconcile myself with albeit the signs of coercive control are there) I am basically feeding his need for drama, giving him a reaction.
I’m struggling to know how best to respond- I’m scared of being dragged back into the web. But divorce is such a huge step I need to close off any doubts I have.
I’m thinking I keep the separation in place, think it over for a week and depending on how I feel and how he acts I consider counselling. What signs should I be on red alert for?
Part of me thinks just walk away now though and I am worried that by trying to close of my doubts I give him a c***k and he drags me back in.
I know if someone else wrote this and I was reading it I would be screaming “it’s a tactic, he is playing you! Yesterday’s tactic didn’t work so he is trying a new one today!” But when you are in the situation and you also remember some good things about the person it is so so hard to retain decent perspective.
As usual – he sends a wee text and my day is dominated with over thinking everything

[KIP.]

Sadly you’re delaying the inevitable if you don’t accept the behaviour he has already shown you is abuse. You could text him and ask him not to contact you again and that you want space. Every time he contacts you he plays with your mind. Think about his behaviour and how he’s tried to humiliate and hurt you. Write down all the abusive behaviour. How he gets aggressive when he doesn’t get his own way? You’re contemplating giving in to him because you feel it’s the safest thing to do. To get back on his good side and prevent more hurt but you’re just postponing that hurt. Also, if you let him back in your life it’s going to be so much harder to get him out again. Counselling won’t work. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. Save yourself. It takes two to make a relationship work. Watch how his behaviour will escalate when he doesn’t get the control back. He’s not interested in what you want or your feelings. He talks the talk and does nothing.

[KIP.]

Moving out and threatening divorce was a deliberate attempt to destroy your self esteem and get you to come running back. It was also a form of punishment for your behaviour because remember in his head he’s done nothing wrong. It was a deeply hurtful and painful thing to do to anyone and he will brush that under the carpet and you will continue to minimise his behaviour because that’s what we do as victims.

[Scottish Thistle]

Headspinning/kip I am new to this group and have just come across this post what you have both said describes my husband to a Try – do you mind me asking how you have both dealt with your situations?

[KIP.]

Hey and welcome. For me it was total zero contact and let the solicitor deal with him. You simply cannot negotiate with an abuser. Find out from a solicitor what the law says you’re entitled to in a divorce and stick with that. Don’t waste your money on solicitors writing back and forth. He enjoys using this to further abuse you.

[Headspinning]

Hi
(Detail removed by moderator) after I wrote this he caught me on a weak moment and we reconciled for a couple of days. When he realised I wanted to take it slowly, start spending time together but live apart while we arranged councelling he created a huge drama over how upset he was and within (detail removed by moderator) was keeping me up all night night going round in circles over everything (probably trying to wear me down)
When that didn’t work he reverted to nice guy again, but the damage was done. A few days later I got the results of a disclosure request under Clares Law and found out he had more in his past than he had disclosed.
When challenged about this he created another huge drama and said unforgivable things revealing sone very private information about me to family members. Awful.
He then apologised again (detail removed by moderator) and tried to persuade me to meet him for a walk to just talk. However, on looking at our joint account the night before I spotted some unusual transactions and realised he had been paying for porn and online dating from (detail removed by moderator) after the initial split and at the time we were still considering the way forward. Basically he was trying to line up my replacement!!
So – I declined the walk and have now instructed solicitor in seeking formal separation.
I sent him a long text getting everything off my chest and telling him to sort his life out, I didn’t want to speak to him any time soon and possibly not ever. I explainded how hurt I was.
He now realised I am serious and has also instructed a solicitor. I think he knows he had been rumbled and I can now see through all the nonsense and drama.
We are now no contact. I’ve been through a huge emotional journey and it hasn’t been easy, but it’s (detail removed by moderator) since the big argument that was the catalyst for this and it’s getting easier.
Yes I’m sad that my marriage is most likely ending and it came from such a trivial argument. But it was one of a string of arguments and it was just another controlling tactic.
In some ways I know he is an abuser. In others he is just someone Who never grew up to a point he could hold a mature relationship with mutual respect – his way or the highway. Whichever way I look at it, he wasn’t the person I thought I was marrying and my sadness is me mourning the relationship I thought I was going to have.
His behaviour and sense of entitlement has let to him losing a lot and to me regaining my freedom. Xx

 

 

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