Obsession following a breakup; how do I move on from here?

[angryfrog]

First of all, I’m sorry my first post is so long and complicated; I just need to get it all of my chest and I need some reassurance that I’m not completely crazy or making up that I’ve been victim to emotional/mental abuse. Following a recent break-up with somebody whom, upon reflection, was unkind and controlling, my mental state has spiralled into something of madness and has left me feeling emotionally drained and physically exhausted. I refused to admit that I had been involved in a form of abuse, I thought my friends and family were being dramatic and silly, I had two professionals confirm I had been subjected to abuse and still struggled to come-to-term with it.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, specifically rapid cycling, (detail removed by moderator) ago, at which time I hadn’t yet had a boyfriend due to my flippant nature and being quick to feel bored with potential dates. In hindsight, I should never have entered into this relationship, as I suffered a paranoid episode following our first date in which I realised said person not only was drunk at our first meeting but had also taken drugs. This triggered something in my head; I stayed up all night scared that I had engaged with a person with such polar opposite values (I’m very anti-cocaine because I’ve seen it destroy people’s lives, I also found out later into our relationship that he also took steroid (detail removed by moderator) another thing I disagree with) and that he may be dangerous.

However, I found myself moved in after only a (detail removed by moderator), thanks to the pressure of lockdown and the desire to see if I was wrong about this person I had become so interested in. This was all his idea and happened at his pace. He booked a removal van to collect my belongings, he told me where to keep my furniture, he got me to cut all ties with the friend I was living with because he convinced me she was terrible to live with. Everything was on his terms and I felt like, because I had now moved in, I had to stay and make it work.

During the time we spent together we argued a lot. As somebody with such low self-esteem I often requested compassion and closure, but instead I was met with annoyance and frustration and the words ‘crazy’ or ‘psycho’. I spent so long in this relationship being called ‘crazy’ that I started to believe it. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong, even though it was unreasonable to think this way, and he let me take that blame. I asked that my partner reassure me that he thought I was the most attractive person in his life, instead I was told that I wasn’t and I was childish to think I was the prettiest person in the room. He would refuse to have sex with me if I had behaved in a way he didn’t like, at one point he said he would have sex with me more if I lost weight because I was getting fat, yet would force chocolate into my mouth when we sat together, I would spit it out and put it in the bin and he would do it again. I made a joke about a prenup, which he immediately told me I would have to sign as ‘all women are the same’ and that I would try to take everything off him in ‘the divorce’. I was then told that if I didn’t sign a prenup I was hiding something and obviously did want to steal everything from him. I was told that my family didn’t love me, my friends were using me, and everything negative in his life was my fault.

It all came to blows when he phoned my mum for advice, who tried to have a civil conversation, only for him to swear and hang-up on her. My family were then accused of supporting my ‘craziness’.

He asked for my Christmas present back, I gave it to him, he asked me to (detail removed by moderator), I sent them to him, he told me it was all my fault we had broken up and I wasn’t allowed to feel upset, I apologised over and over. I did everything he asked of me, even following our break-up.

Things were civil to begin with, until the (detail removed by moderator) and I found a girl, practically naked, in his bed. My ex proclaimed that he didn’t know who was in his bed, (detail removed by moderator)

I lost my mind, I accused my ex of sleeping with her and he didn’t deny it once. My (detail removed by moderator) and he refused to answer. At every turn he avoided the question and refused to give a straight answer, instead, again, calling me crazy. I told him they were both behaving very suspiciously and that I was going to block him so that I didn’t have to hear about it anymore. He obviously didn’t think I would as he had threatened to block me on several occasions and hadn’t but instead stalked my social media.

On this cousin’s instagram were photos of her with (detail removed by moderator) Once again I was blocked and my post deleted.

A friend of mine told me the (detail removed by moderator)
I knew it shouldn’t have mattered, but I had to know and it was making me angry and nasty. I was seeking answers which I knew I would never get. There have been rumours in the past that she (detail removed by moderator)

I became obsessed once I found out, absolutely obsessed. I couldn’t sleep at night, I was crying all the time, everytime I closed my eyes I saw her there, (detail removed by moderator) He was so happy for me to think there was a girl in his bed, upon finding out it was (detail removed by moderator)

The next thing I did was stupid, and encouraged by, what I now realise, is a bad friend. When I met the (detail removed by moderator)

Every moment since I have felt like a l*****c, I don’t know whether that is because I am or because I have been told I am so many times that I believe it. I do believe I had a paranoid episode following the events on that (detail removed by moderator) morning, I’ve spiralled to the point of my head hurting, I haven’t eaten in days, I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I feel like a horrible person that deserves people to treat me like s**t, like he did, and I feel like he has won because I can’t remember who I was before I met him.

I also feel so stupid, because I became friends with his (detail removed by moderator) Another massive overreaction that has left me feeling s**t, embarrassed and ashamed.

I feel like a l*****c, I feel ashamed, I feel guilty, I feel like a lowlife, and yet I still want my ex’s approval, I still want him to stop spreading lies and saying hurtful things behind my back. My head is absolutely spinning, I feel like I have become exactly what he kept telling me I am ‘crazy’. Because every argument ended with him blaming my mental illness and saying it’s because ‘you are bipolar’ not ‘you have bipolar’. He has blamed my illness so many times that I’m starting to believe him. He didn’t care that I hold down a full-time job in the (detail removed by moderator) and pay my way, he didn’t care that I cooked his dinner everyday, cleaned his house, paid his bills, drove him to all of his (detail removed by moderator) appointments, built a relationship with his mother not because I had to but because I wanted to. He didn’t care that my Bipolar has been under control for years, or that I haven’t needed intervention since my diagnosis, or that I live everyday like a normal human being. He didn’t care, all he saw was a ‘psycho b***h’ which is what he called me behind my back whilst we were together.
Upon reflection, and through learning what abuse really is (because up until this point I thought abuse was only physical) I realize I was not only abused by my ex, but also his mother, who would make excuses like ‘he doesn’t mean it that way’ or ‘you shouldn’t ask his those kind of questions’ or ‘he really does love you’. Once he told me he didn’t like some of my clothes, his mother phoned me and encouraged me to stop wearing the clothes he doesn’t like. And I’ve been abused by my friend, who allowed me to cause myself more drama and upset following the break-up for her own amusement.

I’m so full of pain and despair and self-hatred. Am I wrong to expect my partner to understand me, or at least attempt to? Have I got to resign myself to the fact that all of my relationships, romantic and otherwise, will be like this? Am I just destined to be alone or be abused? I feel so weak and pathetic that so many people have manipulated me through means of emotional abuse, it took me months to realize it was abuse and weeks to admit it. I hate myself for being so easily lead and letting people convince me that they were something they aren’t. I desperately need some reassurance, please. Tell me about your amazing partners and how you’ve dated manipulators that sent you into a completely unreasonable state, but you picked yourself up and tried again and got it right and you love yourself and are happy now! At the moment, I don’t think I will ever love myself. I don’t know how to move on. I hate myself and I’m scared I will walk straight into another abusive relationship because I’m naïve and weak. How do I pull myself back from the abys? How do I learn to love myself again? When will I stop feeling so weak? I just want to feel like I’m in control of my own life and feelings again.

[Lisa]

Hi angryfrog,

I just wanted to show you some support, you did so well with opening up on the forum. You did nothing wrong, he disrespected you, insulted you often and was very controlling. We often hear how perpetrators don’t take responsibility for their behaviour, and it is awful how he blamed your mental health.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself, it is difficult to see how serious the abuse is while you are still in the relationship sometimes, you are such a strong person and you can get through this. You could think about getting some support or counselling from a local domestic abuse service, you can find your local service here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/

Keep posting on the forum to let us know how you are,

Lisa

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