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    • #119661
      Tinkerbell2020
      Participant

      Hi I’m new to this but feel I need some support from anyone that’s experience d the same .I have been in an abusive relationship for (detail removed by moderator) and after the last incident followed through with getting him arrested.I applied for non molestation & occupancy order (detail removed by moderator) and free to return home.He tried to gain entry to the house (detail removed by moderator) claiming I am the abuser. (Detail removed by moderator).He has fabricated lies about me .I got a non molestation order in place quickly (detail removed by moderator) I have never hit him back let alone hit out. I have had to do (detail removed by moderator) which has impacted my mental health (detail removed by moderator). (Detail removed by moderator). He doesn’t work is an alcoholic and drug user.I work in a (detail removed by moderator) ,paid for everything and everything in the house I bought.My adult son still lives with me.I am extremely anxious that he will (detail removed by moderator).I feel so upset he has done this but have been told recently it’s very common.I feel he is continuing the abuse (detail removed by moderator) because he cant Has anyone on here had a similar experience that I can talk to?

    • #119662
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there. I went through very similar. Abusers are liars and will paint themselves as the victim and try to discredit you in every way they can. They are pathological liars and will have zero proof to back up their lies. He will try to get the child that lives with you on his side with lies and manipulation and playing the victim. Get support from your local women’s aid. Talk to a solicitor about legal aid too. Start writing a journal of all the abuse you can remember. Any witnesses or anyone you disclosed to abuse to. By its nature domestic abuse is done in secret and there aren’t always witnesses. Counter allegations are very common too. My ex did the same to me and tried to have me arrested. The gloves are off now and your need to take your gloves off too. It’s dreadful having to come into conflict again with these men but you know the truth of what’s happened and you need to hold onto that truth.

    • #119668
      Tinkerbell2020
      Participant

      Thank you so much for the post I feel so disheartened by it all and it’s really hard.I know it’s a last attempt of abuse and to put fear into me (detail removed by moderator) which is taking its toll on me reliving things I’d blocked out. (Detail removed by moderator).My biggest worry is (detail removed by moderator) .I would be made homeless with nowhere to go (detail removed by moderator),my adult son wouldn’t stay in the house with his dad they have no relationship due to the long term abuse of me ,I work locally in (detail removed by moderator) so need to be local or risk losing my job ,I have dogs that would have to be rehoused and all my possession s in storage.I wouldn’t pass credit checks for private renting as my monthly salary is (detail removed by moderator).I don’t believe I would qualify for council housing (detail removed by moderator).I can deal with the abuse and violence I have done for most of my adult life ,it’s just the thought that people will believe his lies (detail removed by moderator) and locally obviously he’s an expert manipulator and god only knows what he’s creating (detail removed by moderator).Im being told by various people that the fact I have occupancy now and have done since (detail removed by moderator) ,we are joined tenants . (Detail removed by moderator) we are opposite people and would expose him,behind the phone he’s playing the poor struggling victim.I just feel lost with it all and it’s very draining and worrying.

    • #119672
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please contact women’s aid. There are now laws to have abusers removed from tenancy and they will be able to help you. The courts don’t like to make people homeless and as you say he has accommodation and you have responsibilities and children living where you are. Remember your home is just bricks and mortar and full of bad memories. Have you googled trauma bonding. I was trauma bonded to my home also. I felt that my home was my safe place and I wouldn’t be safe anywhere else but I was traumatised by his behaviour. Are you receiving counselling? I know that reliving the abuse is horrific and triggering so it would be good if you could get some therapy in place to support you. These men see their own worst enemy. He’s admitting (detail removed by moderator) that he’s a drug user and alcoholic and you’re accusing him of domestic abuse. You on the other hand are a mother, working, held a family together for years. I think any Judge will see through his lies. I know the judge in my case saw right through my ex. We think they’re clever and manipulating but it’s a different story when they try to manipulate a court or lawyers. If you have legal representation make sure they know all about domestic abuse. The power and control wheel etc. I’d be asking the landlord to remove his name from the tenancy as he’s been arrested for domestic abuse. Get your local women’s aid to help you with the law here and there’s the national domestic abuse helpline too. So he’s admitting he’s a drug addict and alcoholic but you’re supposed to be the abuser. These men are delusional x let the court know if he returns you’re child will also have to leave the family home.

    • #119677
      Tinkerbell2020
      Participant

      Thank you for your post it’s all very helpful knowing I’m not the only one that’s going through this .I’m questioning everything right now and very untrusting of people.I have always tolerated to enable us to stay in our home.It does have bad memories also and it is just a house so I suppose really I’m protecting my tenancy not the building.UI would probably need to move anyway as wouldn’t feel completely safe being here if he’s told he can’t be as believe he would come after me.I applied for a divorce in (detail removed by moderator) which he’s not complying with too, that’s when the abuse stepped up.

    • #119679
      KIP.
      Participant

      Yes it’s the most dangerous time for a victim when we try to end the relationship. If you do stay meantime you can look into getting his name removed from the tenancy. And a power of arrest added so that if he turns up the police can arrest him, It might be advisable to move quickly with getting him off the tenancy as I’m sure he will be doing the same. Ring your local women’s aid and there’s a domestic abuse helpline too x

    • #119684
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      KIP has given you great advice so I don’t have anything else to add. Except to give you a note of encouragement and reassurance. It sometimes feel impossible to escape from situations like this but it isn’t. You can be free and there are people who believe you and can help you. Your local abuse services are a great start!

    • #119697
      Tinkerbell2020
      Participant

      Thank you this is really helping me ,everything’s just been going round and round my head and it’s so stressful I even questioned why have I even bothered going down this route I wasn’t prepared for it to be this bad .I knew if would be hard but not at this level. The info given has given me a lot more clarity on what I have lived with . (detail removed by moderator)? I read this but surely that’s dangerous?

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