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still so scared of his reaction after long-time out and how happy that would make him, knowing he still has power to scare me so without apology.
I keep thinking things will improve, and sometimes it seems that they have, but then here I am back feeling this way scared to act and it all going horribly wrong.
it has been making me wonder tonight why i keep trying to go on, wading through the mud of others not understanding, the professionals, friends, loss of our life and home and career, stuck in a hole and so sick of it all. This isn’t living.
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I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve wondered why I keep going. I tell myself it’s because I have my dogs to look after but there is probably more to it, deep down I think we all know that if we can make it through just one more day then something good might happen, a light at the end of the tunnel. Most days are just the same, nothing good happens as such but we still make it through so, what the hell, might as well get through another day and see what happens. I can’t say it’s fun, Groundhog day, every day but the law of averages says that they can’t all be bad, can they?! Just keep plodding along with the rest of us and we can gain hope when others on here tell of their little ‘wins’
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Thank you for taking the time to reply with suppprtive words.
I dont know where to run to but I cant stay here and poibtless days and horrific nights are more than I can take
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Hi Karmasister,
I’m really sorry to read how you’re feeling at the moment. It sounds like the aftermath of the abuse you have been through is proving incredibly tough. In reality this is sadly often the case, particularly when dealing with lots of agency involvement and with people who lack understanding.
If you feel up to it and would like to, please do expand on what’s happening if it’s safe to do so; this is up to you of course. I hope you’re managing to be kind to yourself and practice some self-care, if not, perhaps try to make time for something that’s just for you, when you can.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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thank you for support. I had a less troubled sleep last night and its made a difference, i also spoke to some good support yesterday and its helped a lot. I have to say i still struggle to put stuff out there, or speak coherently about it, especially on a wonderful forum like this sadly.
there’s been a run of really challenging things (like csa closing as i posted about before), therapy being at a quite an intense point, loss of support worker, all money stopped, worries about their father being emotionally blackmailing. Its all got too terrifying for me still, even now. We are hiding and i worry that he knows where we are and that csa will make him angry with us and give something away. i dread it and i don’t cope so great when things like this happen, back to terrifying nights, and so on.
I am trying to look after myself by doing lots of exercise and trying to eat well, the depression and anxiety can be so overwhelming at times like this, and get very jumpy.
I know I say little so its not very helpful. -
Hi HUn
U sound like u are undera lot of stress at moment , and please dont feel pressured to disclose more than u want. YOu seem to have a good plan in progress in means of looking after yoursself and eating healthy.
That fear of been tracked by them always is there when u r trying so hard to keep away from them. sending u hugs and love, hope things get better for u xx
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Hi Karmasister,
As Confused123 says, please don’t feel pressure to say more, you can use this forum in whatever way suits you. It’s understandable that you’re feeling very up and down as a result of the continued challenges you’re having to go through.
It’s good to hear that you’ve got some good support and that you’ve managed to get some better quality sleep. Keep going, you’re a very strong woman.
Kind Regards,
Lisa
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You are a wise,knowledgeable , true survivor Karmasister and although it’s draining- the long uphill turns in this road to recovery and freedom please just keep stepping forward, each step, each day. Hold your head up high, and don’t be hard on yourself when you need a day or so rest from it all. Most of all please don’t doubt yourself
Sending you a hug
X x x -
remembering the words of others, still. the things that broke my trust after i was already messeed up. The friend who called to find out where we were because he called her worried sick that we were in hospital. she wanting to know where we were because he was worried sick for absolutely no reason, and told her he had been calling hospitals. How did he ever have any clue that we weren’t ‘where we were supposed to be’ (wherever that was!?). my wa support lady who told me i wasn’t strong and that i should have wanted to marry him and take his name [thats what other women want] she said, and his name for my children. they only have his name because he dragged me down there to register and i didn’t realise i had any choice and i still regret it so much.. this despite not being at all involved with them, we were just a b****y nuisance unless others were around, a total frustration and infuriation to him but clueless as to why (apart from us just being b****y awful i guess). he told me my friends weren’t genuine in so many words, (detail removed by Moderator) betrayed i felt to hear that no she wasn’t a friend, our kids just were the same age – how could i be so b****y stupid to think this was a friend. they felt sorry for him, shook his hand, (detail removed by Moderator) playing down what had happened literally pulled the rug from under me. so there we are. who to believe. how can i believe anyone telling me i am very strong, i’m not. I’ve been told. broken, see and i think for ever. his predictions that i will die alone of cancer and he will get the children i will lose them will come true because I’m no good to anyone. what have i done taking them away from him. I was wrong and I have messed up their lives. Its my little fantasy world that there was anything wrong. she told me i was ill, well her husband did, and shook my ex’s hand in apology (detail removed by Moderator). My children feel sorry for him because he calls his current girlfriend a nightmare. I feel like i should walk away, there is nowhere in this life for me.
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Karma,I stand by what I say because to me you have been all what i said and he has always been the great fake convincer. I understand first hand how totally distressing it can be, to be disbelieved, when others let you down when you trusted them when it matters so much to us. and I think that support worker was ill advised or inexperienced as her opinion was not helpful It really rocks us, I know, but YOU know how it was and that friend clearly and luckily has no understanding,
Please hang on tight,
X x x Daisy, Aka MJ from previous forum, always thankful for your wise knowledge back then -
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I am a victim of a monster as I was thrown downstairs and now can only walk with a zimmerframe and have severe memory loss I don’t forget the last attack but I can’t retain any information since the assault I am now homeless and living in a hotel on my own with no money or food I am so alone and lost I don’t have anyone he made sure of that my memories are all gone since then I have tried to kill myself and wished he had done I am so lost without my memories I seem to only remember the bad why why me!
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Hi zimmerframe younglady,
Welcome to the Forum. So glad you found us. You will get good support to help you heal from the horrific abuse you have suffered and the damage it has done to you. If you can maybe you could post in the section under ‘Are you new to the Forum?’ so more of the ladies can support you.
Please, please keep posting any thoughts and feelings as you need to. We are all here for you.
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Hi Zimmerframeyounglady,
I just wanted to show you some support. I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time. Please do phone the helpline. They can speak to you about your options and may be able to help you. You can also get in touch with your local Women’s Aid group who can give you some on going support and hopefully advocacy.
Welcome to the forum! We are all here for you so please keep posting to let us know how you are.
Best wishes,
Lisa
Forum Moderator -
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Dear Zimmerframeyounglady
i am so sorry to hear your situation and the abuses you have suffered. I tried to find your post but haven’t been able to yet and have little time as internet very restricted. Just wanted to send you warmest wishes and hope you get support to help you through and that maybe you will see this message here from me.
warmest wishes ks xx -
For all the lovely supportive words thank you so much for your efforts and wishes.
i am hearing and listening to them, but been feeling so desperately down and very anxious at the same time. The situation in here is affecting us all because a guy is behaving so strangely around the girls here and always trying to catch us alone, and now i have suffered damage to some of my property (without going into deets), it does make us all feel anxious not helped by the fact that the police were called to him and his g/f due to an assault from which she has been harmed and he’s telling everyone different stories. this is a third party so not something i will talk further about, but just in relation to whats been going on for us really feeling very edgy and scared of him.
I’m so hoping this doesn’t last forever! Daisy. I think despite everything at the start i carried a lot more hope, now its waning and i see how i live in fear and its not seeming to go away anytime soon. This is not good around my children.
Meantime, he’s forcing the CSA issue around the children, and i sit and wait in fear, again.
i am trying tohold on each night and day, and to do everything I can to help myself physically supporting myself through it. I don’t think i’ve ever felt so depressed 🙁 I’ve had a couple of really good times recently hooking up with friends and loving the weather, but then back to this.
feeling so very stuck
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down and anxious is a natural reaction to what you have had to endure, good you managed to have some respite with friends. Is it the maintenance that you are scared to act on? Any normal non abuser dad would not put you in the position to have to get the CSA involved so that in itself speaks volumes about him,yet he fools others as above, hmmmm
Don’t be doubting yourself karma, hold on to your worth, virtually sending you some hope reserves and mainly hoping that if you are temporary hiding away that man gets moved on, or if you are awaiting more permanent housing yourself it happens sometime soon for you
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its very heart-warming to have someone show such belief in me Daisy. thank you so much for that. It will make a huge difference just to have the new cms situation resolved, and thats down to him; its not going to be pretty i fear.
he is directing his cms decisions of his own making towards the children, and i worry about it driving a wedge; nothing i can do.
it is shocking to me the impact that those around at the time has had on my ability to deal with that relationship/recover from it, compounding the problems and completely smashing anything that was left of me.
thank you for your strengths and hopes xx
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Hi Karmasister and Zimmerframeyounglady,
I’m so sorry to hear of the terrible abuse you have both suffered, it makes me so sad and angry to read what these men have inflicted on you both.
It’s positive that you have both found the forum and are posting for support. We all understand and believe you. I believe my ex is a psychopath but it sounds so crazy to people who’ve never experienced abuse that I too have found some people including the police fairly skeptical of what I have told them about him.
I too can relate to the fear about being tracked, I have reason to believe my ex tapped my phone. What has helped me is to wipe my phone, install lots of security on it, change my number, improve home security and have police involvement. But I know sometimes even that isn’t enough and I really feel for you, I know what that fear is like.
Taking it one day at a time really helps. Just think ‘what can I do today that would make me feel a bit better?’ and don’t worry about tomorrow or the future for now, just think of how you can make today as best you can. It might just be to enjoy a nice cup of tea, ring a friend, watch a film, make yourself a hot chocolate, read a book. Simple and low cost and nourishing for the soul. It’s helped me get through the darkest days. I also journal a lot so I really recommend that, as well as reaching out to friends and helplines so you can talk as much as you need (and posting on here too).
Have you both rung the helpline? I did a frantic google search after I left and made tonnes of phonecalls, I barely know who I spoke to now but somehow they understood and I got support. I got a good DV outreach worker with my local DV support, go to a support group and have therapy starting. Are you getting any help like this?
If you encounter people who don’t believe or support you just politely move on until you find those who do.
Zimmerframeyounglady are you getting support from your GP for your memory loss and physical health? Are you getting support to help you with your housing?
Neither of you need to suffer alone, I really hope you can access some support to help you out of these dark times. It can and will get better. Sending you both big hugs. x
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And that is also not what’s supposed to happen karma,
Apart from your account details so the money can be paid ( or they can collect and pass on) nothing else should be disclosed. Complain – gingerbread have fact sheets.
It’s aweful how everything’s such a battle that we could do without and shouldn’t have to have, grrrr
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they take your account deets as part of the arrangement but had promised a collect and pay, due to us hiding and the situation so he wouldn’t have access to any deets or to be back in the position of control [power] over the maintenance as he can’t be trusted not to abuse it. Apart from all that its harmful for me, i’m losing the plot over it and it another thing to try to deal with when now going into debt and fighting to pay basic bills and stay on topof other things (which i don’t), I can’t complain, as I have such urgent other things to deal with that i can’t manage. wish i could do all that.
I am thankful of your outrage of them! I just feel aaaahhhhhh! not knowing what to do or where to turn.
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the great fake convincer.
you said, Daisy, and thats stuck with me [helpfully]. thank you.
a plea to anyone who reads this to join the national gingerbread campaign against the changed rules which discourage fathers from using the ‘collect & pay’ system which is sometimes essential to protect women and children from perpetrators. AFter years of running away giving financial control and chaos straight back to the perp and putting responsibility for follow-up back on the fleeing mother.
by going to their website you can easily register your support to make this essential change to help mothers in dv ensure they are safe and kept away from further financial control.
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