OH and his family VS me

[Butterfly123@]

I am so overwhelmed I don’t know what to do, my OH and his family are saying I am abusive and creating drama, turning on waterworks etc, and because my mum has (removed by moderator) and my (removed by moderator) drinks every evening after work they say I am mentally ill (removed by moderator) and they are seeing a solicitor to help my OH get custody of our children. I don’t understand why they are doing this, I don’t want to talk to my mum or dad as I know it will worry them and they are the kindest nicest people.

My OH has always been horrible to my friends and cousins so for the past (removed by moderator) years I no longer speak to anyone, my only social life/escape is at work. My (removed by moderator) asked me to leave their dad as he is moody and aggressive most days usually because someone drives past in their ‘(removed by moderator)’ and he is very good at winding me up to a point were I blow and shout back in floods of tears (the kids usually say he’s winding you up, come upstairs) but he has anxiety and doesn’t work due to this (he had an heart attack which he blames me for (removed by moderator)) and starts arguments with most people we meet (he has had (removed by moderator)jobs and lost them due to arguments with bosses or anyone that tells him what to do), after being a (removed by moderator) at our sons football team, (removed by moderator) the parents and welfare officer complained about him following something he did to wind the parents up when they asked (removed by moderator), and one of the parents shouted at him, he is just so competitive, so our son no longer has a team but again he blames me for ‘not defending his honour’ and his family are disgusted with me but I was just upset for our son as I knew his actions would mean our son could no longer play with his friends and I felt sorry for the parents so obviously wasn’t going to shout at them when I new my OH was in the wrong. Yesterday our daughter came 2nd (removed by moderator) and he was very angry telling her to quit if she’s a loser, I felt he was bullying her as she was in tears so I rang his mum to get her to calm him down but she said she agrees with him and (detail removed by moderator) so I got angry and said things to hurt her back and said I will always defend my children, my partner had a horrible childhood and we have been together for (removed by moderator) years so obviously we know each other inside out. His family have always been against me saying my family look down on theirs because mine work, my OH’s brothers (removed by moderator) don’t have partners or children and I feel it is because they like to control their children and not let anyone in. They know how to play the system and have a lot of money (more than my working family) so always assume I have ‘grassed them up’ every time they get a letter for an interview from DWP, but they always find out later it’s for something else but never apologise for accusing me. They don’t really see us, my partner visits them but they say they won’t visit us because they don’t like me. But whenever they have visited I have always been polite and chatted with them so I just don’t understand. I have also signed my partner up for housing etc as he said he wanted to leave but he just says he’ll sort it himself but he doesn’t go anywhere, just says he will when he’s ready and doesn’t know why I’m in a rush as no one else will have me anyway cos I’m fat and a horrible person. After he told me his family are getting a solicitor to help him, I said just leave, he then said to the kids, “(removed by moderator)” then not long after he was talking to our youngest, who then came out and said I want to live with Daddy because you (removed by moderator), the poor thing is torn, it breaks my heart, I have said to the children if we split up you will always have us both in your life. I just don’t understand if he hates me so much why he won’t leave as he has all his family behind him to help him too.

[Wants To Help]

Hi Butterfly,

This is all very sad to read and I can feel the torment in your words.

It certainly sounds like your husband and his family are ganging up on you to get what they want. From what you describe, it could be that his parents have never wanted him to have independence and a loving family of his own so they are encouraging him in order to have him back in their life.

Many abusers abuse behind closed doors. It is often said on here “Ask yourself, is he like this to his family, his workmates, his friends? If not, he is choosing to abuse you only.” However, from your description he is abusive to everyone he comes in to contact with and as a result has lost numerous jobs and now probably his position (removed by moderator). I am not making excuses for your husband here at all, the way he treats you AND the children is appalling, but I believe there are some deep rooted problems that he has and these are unlikely to be overcome unless he is willing to accept he needs help to change and deal with his demons. Your abuser is an abusive and angry man to everyone. Mine was similar in the way that he was rude and obnoxious to everyone and felt hard done by. He was certainly not a charmer and no one was surprised to learn he was abusive to me.

If your children are not toddlers or primary school age I should imagine they are of an age they can choose which parent they would rather live with full time and then visit the other parent. I know that as mothers we would rather have all of our children with us and all of them together, but we do have to consider what they want when they get to a certain age. Telling a child she is a loser for coming second is extremely cruel. Coming second is a huge achievement in itself, even being good enough to take part is something to be proud of. Spiteful comments to others often comes from people who are unhappy with themselves, they never seem to want to see others do well. I should imagine that your one child seems to think that if he stays with Dad then he won’t have to go to school. He may soon get fed up of this lifestyle and want to come and live with you and his siblings, but if he doesn’t, the school will take action against Dad for not sending him. From the sounds of it, I doubt your husband would want the responsibility of a child full time anyway, so I’m sure if you were adamant on leaving he would not try and get residency of the children.

Do not let yourself be defined by your parent’s history. You are being gaslighted here for sure by your husband and his family. They are making all sorts of threats with no supporting evidence. They are putting pressure on you to cause you to break so that they can use the fact that you have ‘broken down’ as evidence you’re an unfit mum. Most of us get this pressure from our abuser, but you are getting it from him and an army of his supporters.

Please seek help from WA. If an official report has been made (removed by moderator) by other parents then they will have to start an investigation for safe guarding proceedings. Your husband may be suspended (removed by moderator) whilst this takes place. This may be an ideal time for you to confide in the safe guarding lead at the club and give them some information about how he treats you and his own children. They will then have to liaise with other services about your concerns, and along with independent witnesses to his anger and outbursts this will help you. Be aware that Children’s Services may well get notified too. It certainly sounds that you and your children will be much happier living apart from him. I can fully understand the stress this is causing you.

Sending you hugs and power to keep strong xx

[Author]

Posts