Older kids – blaming me

[Wiseafter]

Hi all. Do any of you have difficult relationships with your older kids (adult age) since getting out? I have moved on from an abusive relationship but I did so well to hide it from everyone that my eldest is now so angry with me. He treats me with contempt. He doesn’t speak to me unless he has to and can’t even tolerate being in the same room as me. He is hurt, I get that. I have tried to explain but he just won’t listen. He says nobody challenges me and that I have kicked out his stepdad from his home which is unforgivable. That I neglected them while I focussed on my relationship and I brought this man into their lives, made them trust and respect and love him and now I am saying he was abusive. That I am full of s**t. He blames me and says I overreacted, it was self inflicted because if it was that bad I would have ended it long ago. That I am responsible for two breakups (I previously divorced their dad which was awful) and ruining their lives. He said and I think he may be right, that if it wasn’t for lockdown I think I would still be with him. The pain of this is worse than the abuse. I am devastated and don’t know what to do. I do feel responsible and very guilty. I just told him I was sorry and that I was confused and controlled and manipulated and that I loved their stepdad so I wanted it to work but I just sound weak and whining.

[Walkingonsunshine]

Sounds to me like dad/stepdad is putting stuff in their heads?? Making you out to be the bad guy rather than owning up and taking responsibility for the abuse?? Mine is doing the same and I’m terrified he will turn the kids against me 😔 I just hope time will show them up to who they really are x

[Wiseafter]

Yes he has spoken to him. He told him that he didn’t like the way I had parented, trying to make my eldest responsible also by saying well, I’ve gone so its now your responsibility to be man of the house and all that rubbish. I said, no, it is not your responsibility. I am responsible for me and you are only responsible for yourself. Ex also lied to my kids saying I had sent him abusive texts and that I was abusive to him, neglected him and so on. He denied any times he had physically threatened/intimidated me, making out I am over dramatic, crazy. He is playing victim. He always does. My son is very conflicted. Their birth dad doesn’t see them or talk to them unless it is birthdays/occasions and so I get that my son now feels he has no-one that has his back. My ex was very good at being a step-dad. They got on very well. I am very empathetic and I can just feel all this pain radiating out from my son. If I was advising myself I would say keep going, be strong, let them see how much better I am without my ex, and just keep being loving and kind no matter what.

[Wiseafter]

This forum is my only safe space at the moment. I can’t talk to friends, I can’t even get myself to work the last two days. I have taken sick leave. I am numb and either crying or just sitting feeling completely awful. I have a rash all over my body and am so tired. I have called my GP. Its all come to a head with the conversation with my son. All the years of denial and fear, obligation and guilt that kept me trapped but also realising how much I loved this man. How much I wanted to be with him, wanted it to work, wanted a stable family life after going a very traumatic divorce and bringing up my kids by myself. He came into my life and moved in with me, almost immediately he started to hurt me when all I was doing was trying to be a good woman to him while he put me down and isolated me then raised me up again every time I hit the bottom of the pit. I didn’t know what was happening to me. Explaining to friends/loved ones why I stayed for so many years? Impossible. Anyone that is berating themselves for not leaving, despite how bad it gets, should not give themselves a hard time. It took me years and nearly destroyed me. It is a very difficult thing to do because most of the time there is family involved. The fall out can be huge. Be brave and have a plan and you will get there but be kind to yourselves if you haven’t made it out yet.

[Eve1]

It’s so unfair. Like you I stayed for a long time, hid how things really were, thinking I was doing the best thing to keep us together for the children. In reality I now think that certainly did them some harm, but we should definitely not beat ourselves up. I imagine you, like me, were not aware your partner’s behaviour was abusive. Of course your son is upset, but abusers can often have decent relationships with their children, if children don’t challenge them, which is usual. It doesn’t mean he wasn’t abusing you.

Please be kind to yourself. Can you take more time off if that’s helping? You’ve had good advice her about continuing to be loving and kind no matter what your son throws at you, hard as it is. It’s taken a lot of strength to leave, stay strong. And keep coming here, it’s a lifeline.

Warm wishes
Eve

[Wiseafter]

Thank you so much Eve. I am about to make the big step of talking to my line manager about what is happening with me I haven’t been able to before. GP recommended I share without going into too much detail. My ex has upped his threats now and copied my son in to his rants which is just awful. He should keep him out of it but at least it shows what a complete n****r he is! You’re absolutely right, I didn’t know it was abuse until relatively recently and really didn’t have it confirmed until I spoke to DA. I wish I had, even when he was physically threatening and intimidating I still didn’t see what I was trapped in. I will continue to be loving, kind and will always be here for my kids, no matter what they throw at me. I stayed with him because I wanted stability for them but they will probably not understand that for a while. All things heal in time I guess. Thanks for your words. x

[Camel]

Hi Wiseafter

I get that your son is angry, confused, disappointed and so on. But why does he think he has the right to speak to you in this abusive way? Because, yes, he has now become the abuser in the household.

He’s an adult and presumably knows how to communicate like one? Does he speak to work colleagues or friends in this way? Why does he think you’re not entitled to the same level of respect? I expect he’s learned how to behave towards you from his step-father.

Your son’s behaviour is making you ill. You must put a stop to it now. Start putting your health and well-being first. OK, you love your children, but that doesn’t mean you have to be a sponge for all their woes and angst.

If he’s still living at home, tell him it’s time for him to move out and stand on his own two feet. Explain that you’re willing to discuss issues in an adult way but are not going to put up with angry outbursts and door slamming.

It’s not your job to fix your son. Just as you couldn’t fix your ex. Point him towards counselling.

Please, look after yourself and nip this in the bud x

[Wiseafter]

Hi Camel, I have spoken to my son and told him that his behaviour is unacceptable. Thanks for your perspective. You have shed a light on the crux of it which is that it echoes his step father’s and that is not only upsetting for me, but also has to be stopped for his own sake. Now.

[Camel]

I was just thinking…on flights they always say to put your own oxygen mask on before helping children with theirs. It’s the same for you now. Everything is so raw. You need to help yourself before you’ll be able to help your children.

Further down the line you might benefit from family counselling (not with the ex!!) What you’ve all been through is too big to be unpicked without professional support.

Keep reminding your son to check his behaviour. Don’t get drawn into justifying or apologising. You can be sorry that he’s upset without being sorry for your actions.

[fizzylem]

Agree with Camel, don’t get pulled into justifying. Is there anyone he respects in the family that could pull him to one side and have a talk with him? Sounds like it might help and that he’s old enough now to realise that sometimes adult relationships do not work out, that maybe he will try to make sure he’s with the right person before he settles down because he understands and knows the upheavel and heartache this can bring? But that there are also no guarantees in life, just like you he may think this person is right for him, but later feel differently, and so on…x

[Wiseafter]

Thanks all. xx

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