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Hi all hope you’re ok. I’m having a rough time. For background, having realised there’d been sexual coercion and other abuse in my relationship I’d taken sex off the table. My husband hadn’t been respecting the boundary so I’ve had to keep saying no and asking him to back off.
Finally got to the point where I told him why I’d taken it away, because I was feeling pressured by him. He was super upset and now saying he won’t touch me because he doesn’t want to be a “rapist”.
He’s said he wants to separate as he doesn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t desire him. I told him I never said that but that I wanted to work through it with him and to have a healthy sexual and emotionally intimate relationship. He then agreed to couples therapy though he thinks it’s a waste of money and is only doing it for me.
We had a calmer conversation about what might come next and he seemed reassured.
Then he kept drinking, and thinking. We were watching tv and he started asking if I’d spoken to friends about what was going on. He maintains he hasn’t spoken to friends out of respect for me.I said yes a couple of close friends, he said who. I said I didn’t want to say. Then he asked was it X and is Y a close friend. I then answered, annoyed another boundary had been broken.
He’s upset and now thinks he needs to avoid these friends. He’s also annoyed I’ve been speaking to friend Y because she’s a new friend, and an intense person, and he thinks everything was fine until she came along, that she’s somehow pulling strings and is to blame for me bringing all this unrest into our relationship.
It seems pretty textbook and I’ve told him he’s being unfair but I just despair. It didn’t help that he brought it up (whether intentionally or not) when a character on tv was being cornered by a threatening man. It just made me feel so intimidated.I know this isn’t normal. But I’m struggling to imagine a reality where the man is understanding, curious, unconditionally loving. And not verbally and emotionally attacking his wife when she brings up an issue.
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bless your heart isnt it frustrating when they twist your words. and when honest conversations just result in a partner attacking you & making you feel bad about yourself. its why women end up eventually staying silent due to the response they are guaranteed to get
no he wouldnt have been impressed to find that you had disclosed certain things because their public face is extremely important to them – thats why many women ended up isolated as they can then be completely controlled. so when your partner said he did a certain thing out of respect for you he is in reality protecting himself – because any abuse needs to remain hidden behind closed doors. and it wasnt enough to become the victim because of your new boundary, he also has to blame someone else for the problems you are having – which he has actually caused
could be that most of his comments & reaction to all of this are because of any guilt & shame he may feel (because of his behaviour) so yes it could now make him want to consider avoiding this person. try & stay strong. and most importantly keep believing in yourself & the truth x
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You’re right. But I wonder if any of his friends would pull him up on it if he shared. They seem largely cut from the same cloth. He seems totally justified going by the conversations he’s supposedly only passive in.
Thank you for the reminder that he’s caused all this. I sometimes forget, and take responsibility for what’s been happening because he’s so skilled in confusing me! But my truth is with me, even if it’s hard to see sometimes.
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Hey dear sorry that things have been hard, and I can see you’re trying your best to maintain this relationship and wanna have some peaceful time with him. It’s tough when he twisted your words or trying to control what you’re doing and who you’re talking to. But remember, you know the truth, and the truth is the truth, no matter whether he believes in it. You don’t need his approval to be an amazing woman.
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Thank you for your kind and supportive comments.
He’s apologised for his anger and justified his comments about my sharing with one particular friend because he “knows” she’s manipulative having seen it in action and while part of me wonders if he’s right, she hasn’t tried to break us up. She’s been a supportive friend and if there’s anything she’s done, it’s been to build me up as an individual! So yeah I can see how that might lead to our marriage breakdown…He’s done a 360 and asked me what he needs to do to make me love him again. It really is exhausting. The fighting is stressful (but illuminating) and the peace is a head f**k. I don’t want to be with him but I need to keep the peace.
His comments are making their way into my subconscious and I can barely tell the difference now. Did he ask me for sex yet again or did I just dream it?! -
I love how they throw things back at you, or twist what you’ve said. They get so easily offended when you point out their behaviour. My husband will now reference me saying he is being abusive but in a way that makes out it isn’t true. Like he can’t believe I said it, even though another time he will say he’s done things he’s not been proud of. I wondered whether I should’ve said anything as it gets turned round like I’m horrible because I said it, even though it’s true.
I wonder if getting upset and saying he doesn’t want to feel like a rapist is actually a reverse psychology thing. By saying something outlandish like that is it to try and make you feel guilty and have sex? My husband always used to say I rejected him all the time and that’s why he doesn’t bother any more. I never did reject him, or maybe he took me declining once or twice as constant rejection, I don’t know. But then it meant I never said no because I didn’t want him to feel that way.-
It’s crazy isn’t it, the cunning of a manipulator. Constantly turning things on their heads to suit their narrative.
my husband too has been acting super hurt and disbelieving about the feelings I have toward him: he too has admitted wrongdoings in the past but I honestly think it’s so he can appear to be reasonable. I’ve been learning about (detail removed by moderator) and they use a lot of these tactics – so now I’m trying to learn how to navigate this so that I don’t constantly land on my backside. It’s an interesting journey to say the least!
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