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    • #96492
      Findmyself
      Participant

      I have been no contact with my abuser since Christmas as there was an escalation in his behaviour at this time and I was advised this was the safest option. I have a teenage daughter who is really struggling with everything at the moment she is not eating or if she does eat is over exercising to compensate. She is very anxious and isolating herself from everyone.
      I got really worried after a conversation with her yesterday which ended in an argument and her leaving the house upset when it was dark. I felt distraught and was unsure what to do so phoned her father for support breaking the no contact rule. He used this as an opportunity to twist everything I was saying to him and reported it all back to her who now absolutely hates me. Any trust she had in me is gone I only reached out to him as some of her distress She expressed was about him and the way he is treating her and I wanted to work with him to resolve it.
      She stayed at her friends last night and is refusing to come home. Two weeks ago she went to stay with him after an argument between us and has refused to see him since as he made it clear he doesn’t have space for her and is currently with a new partner who has many children. She expressed that she feels he has a new family and doesn’t want her and this has been echoed by my other children
      too.
      I am so annoyed with myself for asking for his support as he has just made things 1000x worse. He has completely made me look like a liar and that I am using her distress for personal gain. She looked so broken last night and I feel that yet again it’s all my fault. I have blocked him again and learnt my lesson. I’m unsure how to regain my daughters trust she doesn’t see the way he twists things so won’t see that this is him.

    • #96493
      KIP.
      Participant

      I’m glad you have learned from this experience. It’s only because he was once the person that you went to for help and comfort and that bond with an abuser is very hard to break. We try to separate them into two people, the horrendous monster and the helpful partner, but that’s not the case. There is only one horrendous monster who uses fake personas like the helpful partner to keep us hooked in. Write down this experience and how he twisted it. Keep a journal so that you never see him as the helpful partner. Regarding your daughter. I’d be honest with her and tell her basically what you wrote here. That you made a huge mistake in contacting her father. That you were desperately worried about her welfare and that you have learned your lesson that you will never reach out to him again. That she may feel abandoned by him but you will always be there for her. Try to suggest she speaks to a counsellor at school or via the doctor. Let her think about it for a while. Walk away calm and give her space. There’s a book called Why dad hurts mum by Lundy Bancroft. Might be worth a look. Also Healing from Hidden Abuse by Shannon Thomas. It’s such a difficult thing for anyone to comprehend but I do think counselling would be a great help at this stage. Keep posting and reaching out. My son was a young adult when my ex was arrested, sometimes we just have to let them find out for themselves in their own time but if it’s affecting her health then gently planting the seed that it’s the adult thing to do. Mostly don’t blame yourself for this situation. It’s not your fault and there’s only one person to blame. Get your own oxygen mask on before you can help others x

      • #96520
        Findmyself
        Participant

        Thank you KIP. I have applied for counselling for them and they are currently on waiting lists everything just takes so long to get in place and they are just getting hurt more whilst we wait.

    • #96542
      Escapee
      Participant

      Have you talked to the school? They often have quicker access to help plus the pastoral staff can be assigned to help.

      My heart goes out to you. I’ve been where you are and I know your heart will be breaking that you can’t reach her ♥️

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