One last chance to control me

[TML20000]

My son’s dad has been rather horrible towards me since the little one was born.

There’s a lot and it’s been a (number removed by Moderator) years now, so I won’t type it all out but it was largely yelling at me for wanting boundaries with his family members, that I was lazy for not tidying instead of sleeping during the day (but when I’d say this, he’d tell me he hadn’t told me I couldn’t sleep in the day), the lack of intimacy (caused by the way he was behaving towards me), lots of swearing and name calling, always in front of the LO and if I’d ask him to stop, he’d swear and yell louder, hitting or kicking things in the house (although, never me) and when I’d raise these things, it was never the right time and day (“(quote removed by Moderator)“)

Unfortunately, a therapist, that he’d seen previously, was spoken to with both of us and whilst I’d be in tears telling her of the previous couple of weeks before the session, he’d act like he had no clue but accept that if I’d said it, it must be true. His issue focused on intimacy and, perhaps because they’d been his therapist before, this is where the main focus was for these sessions. Despite me explaining what he’d done and the therapist acknowledging that it sounded like it was bordering on emotional abuse, they only ever sent documents to work through about the intimacy side of the relationship. It meant that it was extremely difficult to get my son’s dad to see how badly he was upsetting me.

Nothing changed and my life was this on repeat, being told I hadn’t told him what was wrong, talking me in circles, changing the subject and making me repeat myself several times in one conversation/argument, until I felt insane and then he’d say as much and call me nuts, crazy, mental etc. and this has continued up until recently where it’s become closer to once or twice a month. Possibly because a young member of my own family is living here, or perhaps because I’ve made it clear I don’t want to be with him. I’m unsure.

Now to the point (sorry for the essay).

I have no job, no money of my own and no family nearby. I can’t get housing with the council  as I am on the mortgage for the house we live in. I can’t afford to rent privately and can’t find anywhere that is within the amount available from housing benefit. If this house is sold, I’d not have enough to buy another property and it wouldn’t last very long if it was used to rent a 2 or 3 bed property privately and my options are limited due to pets. He refuses to leave and I can’t afford the mortgage myself, anyway. He won’t pay it if he doesn’t stay here.

My only option is a family member has offered to have me in an empty property they have but it’s (number removed by Moderator) hours away!

My ex is pushing for me to do this, despite the impact on several people, including his son. It just feels like one last chance to control me and the situation. I’ll have to leave my adult son as he has a job here, the few friends I have and somewhere I’ve lived for (timeframe removed by Moderator).

I think I’m just looking for advice or if anyone has been in a similar situation and did things work out well?

Thank you in advance.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I was just trying to think about your options….it sounds like you could leave, go to a refuge, and after a while be re-housed in a council flat, BUT maybe they could send you anywhere in the country, don’t know whether they’re obligated to find you a council flat/house near where you live now  (I don’t know any details about this) and it would maybe be tough to go to a refuge with pets. So maybe that’s a pretty unpleasant option for you.
Other option is to make him leave the family home as he is making it unsafe and frightening for you and the kids. Divorce him, and he will have to support you and his children, in your home. I knew many people who got divorced in the past, and not necessarily from abusive partners, and the wife and kids stayed in the home and the husband had to support them…can’t believe that things have gone backwards since then.
You can then find a job in your own time and work towards making your life better slowly over the years.

I hope other ladies with more up to date information about this can offer you some advice but I don’t see why the mother and children should leave the family home? Surely the children should be supported in their home and the abuser made to leave?

You would have to judge whether this was safe for you and if you felt that he was dangerous, get a restraining order.

Despite what abusers like to tell us, you don’t need a reason to get divorced (even though you do have really good reasons).

[EvenSerpentsShine]

P.S. sounds like the therapist is no help at all…maybe they just want to keep in with whoever is paying the fees (him!) Can you refuse to go until your serious concerns are treated with the gravity they deserve). Or maybe, better, refuse to go at all, and find yourself a therapist who understands domestic abuse and abusive men.

[Marmalade]

Please get some legal advice on your situation. It’s not clear if you are married or just cohabiting and your rights will be different depending which one it is. A solicitor can look at all the facts of your case and advise based on all your circumstances.

As you both own the property you cant exclude him. He has a right to occupy. Although it is possible to get occupation orders these are reserved for draconian circumstances of serious abuse and are short term.

Please don’t rely on what has happened to other women. Their financial settlement will have been based on the personal financial circumstances of that family and that may be very different to your arrangements.

Please see a family law solicitor. Some offer the first 30 minutes free. Also Rights of Women have a free family law helpline. They are only open a few hours each week and it’s hard to get through but keep trying as they are v helpful.

You can approach your council or Shelter to ask about housing options.

Good luck.

[Author]

Posts