One more step…….

[veryconfused]

I moved out of home x weeks ago. I told my husband it was temporary. He has been begging me to come back alternating with saying he can’t hang around waiting for me. I have now taken the next step of saying I will definitely be away for x months and I don’t want to see him in that time. It went much better than expected. We spoke via video call which my counselor suggested, much easier and safer than face to face. I wrote down what I wanted to say and read it out which helped me not get muddled about what I wanted to say.
I feel so relieved, like a weight lifted from me. I know nothing is likely to change but I feel like this way I am doing it gently.
It is so difficult because I feel so guilty about what it is doing to him. There is small part of me that wonders if I could have tried harder, been a better wife. Mostly I just feel relieved to not be living like that any more.
He has read the Lundy Bancroft articles for men but says that he is not like that and because he doesn’t hit me, it is not abuse. When he says that, I realize that nothing has changed and if I go back it will probably still be awful.

[KIP.]

Your sense of relief says it all but he’s not finished. They play a game. One minute all calm and cooperative and the next lies and gaslighting and threats. It’s when they’re nice you get caught off guard and begin to feel guilty and confused. It won’t last long. You’re not the problem here. It didn’t matter if you were the most perfect wife ever, he would just change the goal posts and abuse you for being perfect. Nothing you could have done would have mattered because he doesn’t want what you want from the relationship. You want a loving caring friend a partner. He wants to dominate and make you feel small to make himself feel good. He always have to have the upper hand and there’s always a power imbalance. That’s what he wants x

[Author]

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