One step forward, and what feels like 15 back…

This topic contains 9 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of PizzaCrumbs PizzaCrumbs 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #48558
    Profile photo of PizzaCrumbs PizzaCrumbs 
    Participant

    My ex left almost (detail removed by Moderator) years ago now, and over the last just over a year, he has started up his ‘terror campaign’ again. The whole time he hasn’t lived with me, we have been amicable (my mistake!) and he has insisted that he was ‘coming home’. At first, I wanted it, but as the years passed it didn’t happen, I started to move on with my life and see things more clearly, and when it did come up in conversation I just went ‘yeh yeh, okay, sure’ and just got on with things knowing he was full of s**t. He would arrive at the door unannounced. Usually when our daughter was in school (so clearly not about seeing her), have a coffee and go. I put up with it, he seemed to have changed for some time.

    Late last (detail removed by Moderator) my gran died. She pretty much raised me, so it was like losing my mother, he was told, and didn’t come near me or our daughter to see if we were okay until after everything was done and my Nan had been buried. For someone who just (detail removed by Moderator) weeks before had been proclaiming his love for me, this just was unforgivable in my mind. He arrived the day after the funeral and started on about how he was going to move back, and at that point I told him exactly what I thought of that idea. No way, not now, not ever, never going to happen.

    Things have been VERY sour since. He pulled all financial support, our daughter (detail removed by Moderator) said she didn’t want to see him in light of his behaviour (I had never ever restricted him from seeing her, he just never bothered the entire time he after he left, like birthdays and christmas and that was it). Since then I’ve had him at the door, letting himself into the house (changed the locks after that). He took my old car when I wasn’t in. He’s accused me of neglect (our daughter is home schooled, but after (detail removed by Moderator) and after all this, suddenly its an issue), I’ve had the police at the door, social services. When he found out the CSA had assessed him and were involved he changed his payment date (he was previously paying an amount he had apparently googled on his payday), (detail removed by Moderator) claiming a ‘recent’ breakdown in our on again off again relationship (it was on for (detail removed by Moderator) years, then it stopped, and after that there was no ON!), he also claimed (detail removed by Moderator) that he feared for her emotional wellbeing and that she would be victim to abuse, and that I was neglecting her. Poisoning her against him etc.

    Every time I think it’s going to be over (detail removed by Moderator)it’s not. (detail removed by Moderator) I think if it’s not dealt with I might actually go insane.

    When I deal with him, I feel like I’m back there. I have this constant thing in my head, I hear his nasty words, I feel his poisonous comments putting me down, keeping me down.

    I was heading out shopping (detail removed by Moderator) to try on new jeans for a little pick me up, and I saw his very rare distinctive car on the road a few hundred yards ahead, and it triggered me, and I freaked out and I turned my car around (he doesn’t know what I drive anymore, or where we live, so I’ve been trying to keep it that way). 3 different friends suggested I had PTSD. He’s still stealing my sanity, and I’m letting him! I made contact with Women’s Aid the next day, and here I am, trying to find a way past his nonsense.

    I think I definitely hit an all time low this weekend.

  • #48563
    Profile photo of backtome backtome 
    Participant

    Oh PizzaCrumbs, I wish I had some sound advice for you but all I can offer are my thoughts and a virtual hug.

    You’ve absolutely done the right thing asking for support from Women’s Aid. Surround yourself with as much support as possible, speak to your doctor if you can. This forum is amazing for support too. Now that you’ve hit that low the only way is up, just hold onto that. x

  • #48568
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    Hey there. I’ve been through the nightmare too and I can tell you that for your own sanity. Go total no contact. You have the right to a peaceful life and not tomhave him in it. I would txt him that he has not to contact you again and if he does you will report him to the police. No contact means no mind games. No contact and time are what you need.
    Women’s Aid were fantastic to me. Keep posting and reading posts on here. These abusers are all the same. They use the same tactics. Good riddance to bad rubbish x

  • #48570
    Profile photo of endoftherainbow endoftherainbow 
    Participant

    Hello, big hugs to you, I totally agree, no contact is the only way to cope, its difficult with children, mine don’t want any contact, I used to try and keep things nice, thinking its in the best interest for the kids….its not, no contact is amazing, and you don’t realise how great till you do it. It was suggested to me from people on here about PTSD, I went to my gp, and she agreed and iv started some medication, onwards and upwards, good luck xx

  • #48579
    Profile photo of PizzaCrumbs PizzaCrumbs 
    Participant

    I told him not to contact her or me ever again a while ago. That’s when all the other nonsense started up. I know he’s looking for control. I know he wants to have me told I’m wrong (detail removed by Moderator), what he appears too dumb to understand is that its worse for him in the long run (detail removed by Moderator). I don’t think he really understands what that really means for him.

    (detail removed by Moderator) and not paying maintenance are the only mind games he has now. That and my own fear. My favourite shop is near his work, I try to avoid it as much as I can just in case I bump into him there. I fear seeing him in case he sees my car and using my number plate to somehow find me. I know he has friends in the police etc, I worry that if he knows my car he’ll give them is usual poor him sob story, probably how I have ruined his life etc etc etc.

    I think the thing that p**sed me off most this weekend was that I realised not only had he robbed me of my trust in other people, he’d robbed me of the trust I have in myself in my own judgement. Because all those times when I was sure something was true (and it was, like him cheating) he convinced me it was all in my head and I was just ‘a n*****e’. I refuse to let him run amok in my head anymore, I refuse to let him steal my trust in my what was always pretty d**n accurate intuition about people and situations. I guess it was my lightbulb and I just thought, no, time to get my head fixed and for this to stop. My doctor has NO counselling on offer, I have asked many times, and I’ve been helped by it in the past, I know it will help this time too, and hopefully finally get me free of his pathetic selfish c**p.

  • #48584
    Profile photo of endoftherainbow endoftherainbow 
    Participant

    I think once they realise they have lost control they hate it, I was separated for a couple of years but he still controlled who came to my house, who the kids could see…once I had a restraining order and he couldn’t do anything everything stopped, its sad for my daughter that he’s took it out on her, but its best, he was so horrible to her, she’s having counselling now. I struggle, and still do to make decisions for myself, I still have that little voice that says “oh he wont like it” I hope as time goes by that will improve. Shame about the counselling, maybe keep on at the doc, to be honest im finding just writing everything down on here really helpful….big hugs xx

  • #48585
    Profile photo of KIP. KIP. 
    Participant

    These men will do anything to regain what they think is control. Without ever considering the implications or consequences. It’s like they become blinkered to reality. My ex was exactly the same. Pathologically lied. He got well and truly caught out (detail removed by Moderator) once again his lies are catching up with him. You really don’t have to do anything. They drop themselves right in it. Thinking no one will ever dare to confront them with the actual truth. Just sit back and watch the show!

  • #48587
    Profile photo of PizzaCrumbs PizzaCrumbs 
    Participant

    Oh I think he’s lost all touch with reality KIP. He honestly thinks he’s the hard done by party. He’s invented this whole alternative reality in his mind over what happened in our relationship, and obviously, when he’s confronted with the truth he loses it and how I’m wrong and I just don’t remember it, and what’s wrong with me etc.

    I told my ex’s mother that I thought he was a pathological liar who needed help. The look on her face was priceless. She has a few kids, my ex is the abuser, one left the country for what was meant to be a 6 month visa, and hasn’t come back for years and years, another has alcohol issues. But she’s one of these parents who thinks everyone else is getting it wrong, not her.

    I remember showing her bruises just after he left and her reply was ‘well you must have deserved it’.

    He’s come off with lie after lie, and I honestly think he really does believe them. Where he was, was he was doing, how he NEVER touched me because he would ‘certainly remember something like that’. I had no friends that weren’t his, and they all said how lovely he was. He was as lovely as a bucket of sewerage, but had it set up that *I* was the crazy one, I was the evil one, poor him, how did he stick me…

    My family don’t know how to deal with it, so it’s all ‘oh you shouldn’t let him get to you’ and it’s like no, maybe I shouldn’t but my feelings are still valid, I’m allowed to be angry, I’m allowed to hate his guts, I’m allowed to need to vent and want to scream in frustration. And it really doesn’t help, because I feel like I can’t talk to them about it, because after so many years it’s like they look at me with this ‘ugh, this again, really.’ look on their faces.

    My nan was my support, and she’s gone, and I’m feeling that a lot when things are bad. She hugged, she let me be p****d at him, and said she’d choke him (she couldn’t choke a fly, she was 6 stone soaking wet). But I miss that support in my corner so much.

    I’m the kind of person who likes answers, and knowing that I will never know why, or why me, or what the hell is wrong with him etc, it’s just so frustrating.

  • #48592
    Profile photo of Missssy Missssy 
    Participant

    Your feelings are absolutely valid – I believe people who have not endured abuse are not really equipped to handle the emotional fallout we suffer or understand why we would still be churning over things in our minds. You are allowed to be angry you are allowed to question things. Our loved ones want us to move on because they can see how we are hurting but they don’t understand how deep the wounds run. Bless your Nan, she sounds like an amazing woman. Hold on to the advice and support she gave you, you have her with you every day even if it doesn’t feel that way.

    It is crazy making not being able to get to the bottom of things – I too have the same frustrations, I always want answers and validation… but then you have to think, how do you really unravel the workings of such a twisted mind?

    Just want you to know you are not alone xx

  • #48598
    Profile photo of PizzaCrumbs PizzaCrumbs 
    Participant

    I’m in floods of tears tonight. I gave someone work advice, they didn’t like it and their friends all ripped into me about being so mean to someone vulnerable. (isn’t facebook great)

    I want to scream, aren’t we all vulnerable, just because I have the outward appearance after so many year of being strong and fierce (especially on a social media account I use for business), doesn’t mean I’m not falling apart, vulnerable, and totally just sitting on the bottom of a hole looking up.

    I’m finally doing something I love, and yet the longer I have to deal (detail removed by Moderator) him the more over sensitive I am, and the more I want to just quit it all. He’s winning more and more.

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