One year on….

[teabag]

(Detail removed by moderator)  I was a complete mess. I lost weight and I couldn’t function. The man I adored and loved was abusive, loving, abusive and so on. He was not the person he pretended to be. He manipulated me to the highest form and I know I’ll never be the same person again. He robbed me of my innocence,trust,integrity and broke me into tiny pieces.
Here I am, still vulnerable but getting my life back together. Little by little, step by step I make progress. I’ve come so far that my closet friends cried when they met me. I had no idea how my pain, the inhuman form I had presented myself as a year ago affected them. (We don’t live in the same country). I guess , though I knew I was broken I was so traumatised that I could not observe myself as others had.I can now only appreciate how close I was to suicide, in fact I was dead but like the walking dead/ if this makes sense.
Pushing through was the most painful nightmare. Scraping back some self worth by undertaking a masters module and finding work has allowed me to take a step forward in my healing.
A year on and it’s a trigger, I feel vulnerable, alone, unloveable and incapable. But I keep telling myself, hold on, let it pass you by, you will get out of this just life before.
A yea on my ex made himself known via another media format and I came off this format as this was the last tie. Why he did this, I don’t know but that was another trigger and I had started to think about what could have been, but this is not reality.
He has no idea how much he has affected my life, it’s not just about coming to terms with his abuse but the other stuff that nobody sees or considers. Like my elderly father, the pain in his eyes when he sees me, I’m desperately trying to be happy and get on track because I’m don’t want his last memory of me to be of this broken woman. I want him to see me safe. I want to feel that I am loveable again, that I can stand on my own two feet. I pray I’ll wake up one day and I won’t think of him.
Domestic abuse has a rippling effect it doesn’t end when you leave.

 

[blue eyes]

I agree with you,everything you have said really resonates with me. The abuse nearly destroyed me. I didn’t realise how worried and upset my own dad was about me. He said that my ex had ruined my life. I spent so many wasted years running after my ex trying to figure him out trying to keep him happy, it took away time I should have spent with my dad and my dogs focusing on people and things who actually cared and loved me. I was so preoccupied with him I virtually ignored my dad. It must have been awful for my dad to see the state I was in. I gained a ridiculous amount of weight stopped looking after myself, didn’t do housework, just sat on the couch, didn’t go out was scared to get on a bus, no hobbies, scared of walking anywhere, was very depressed and angry, lost all my friends, argued with everyone,was unable to work, my health suffered, the list goes on. My dad died a few years ago and I still haven’t been able to cry or grieve properly because I am still tormented by my two abusive exes. I don’t see them now but everything that happened keeps playing in my mind. My poor dad is still being pushed to the side. Things have improved slightly, I have lost weight, I look after myself and my home now, I can get on a bus, I go out but its by myself because I still haven’t got any close friends. I do have some hobbies now and I volunteer in a few places in areas which are using my education. I have lost nearly 25 years though, what a waste of a life. I am lonely though, there’s no partner. I sometimes regret ending two relationships and the weekends are terrible. I am so pleased for you about your studies and your job, and I am sure your dad will be please to see that you are getting your life back together. I just wanted you to know I understand.x

[teabag]

Blue eyes
I hear you. Thank you for replying. Let’s hold on and slowly try and move forward. X

[Anonymous]

your an inspiration. you have come so far just think how much better you will be next year. keep on going girl 🙏

[Author]

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