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Hi, I left an abusive relationship some years ago but, have never recieved any substaintial support as I declined the only offer I received just after I had left as I was struggling to come to terms with what my circumstances were.
Since then I have dealt with many situations myself including attending family court which, I have come to deeply regret.
I have recently reached out to the womansaid support via email and I have been sent some very useful links but, I wanted to know which support other women found was most beneficial, especially for those who have struggled to come to terms with the term domestic abuse. I have also been recommended to comtact rape crisis, as this is something I find quite overwhelming and have never considered the situation being rape, I wondered how other people found this service in similiar circumstances.
I am seeking help regarding ongoing communication with my ex partner due to having a child together and, emotional support as I have spent many years burying my head in the sand and shutting out any emotions. I feel recently this has been provoked and have realised that it is probably time to ask for help.
Thank you for reading 🙂
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Hi my beautiful angel…Gardening,
Well done for getting out of your abusive relationship and getting this far.
I don’t really have any experience with helpful organisations as the ones I did contact when I was in an abusive relationship, including the police weren’t helpful to me… that said it was only my experience and I still encourage anyone to seek help and support where they can and not give up trying.
What I have done and found beneficial to me however since I have left is done my own ‘Self help’ work. I have seeked counselling, worked with a mentor and a spirit guide.
I have also read and listened to endless self-help/self-love books, google’d and YouTube’d anything and everything!
What I have realised in myself is that when you love yourself, forgive yourself, recognise your needs and wants you start to create clear boundaries which prevents people taking from you what you don’t want to give.
This can then be practiced in any relationship, romantic, family, friends, work etc
It’s an journey and something I practice everyday.
Whatever direction you need to go in to heal … try it, and if doesn’t work … try something else… don’t ever give up on you, you are the best investment you can make
Sending you love and support
Darcy xx-
Hi Darcy, thank you for your lovely response. I too did not have the best experience with professionals. Although at the time of the abuse ((removed by moderator) years ago) coercive control and emotional was completely misunderstood and was not recognised in law. So, for those reading this who are considering help, things have changed, I dont want to put people off.
I have made alot of progression in terms of house, employment, education and relationships. I thought I had made some progression in my emotional state, I overcome severe anxiety caused by my relationship with my ex whereby, I would not leave the house. So, I have come along way but, have realised I still have some way to goI definitely still feel gyilty about my mental state and choices I made after leaving the relationship so I think overcoming that with some self love would be great. Thank you
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The reality of Domestic Abuse is horrifying. I knew there was something wrong since the beginning of the relationship but I couldn’t put my finger on it.
The family courts are an abuser’s paradise.
For many years, I sort of knew that my ex had raped me. I wanted to believe his words though his actions said differently.
Please keep a diary of every communication with your ex, either through you or through your child. My ex isn’t allowed verbal contact with me and isn’t allowed on my property. It’s easier to create a paper trail when all communication is written. It also means that you don’t have to respond.
You’re not alone in normalising abusive behaviour. It’s a survival thing. Maybe you’re coming round to realising that you don’t need to live like this any more.
The Domestic Abuse team on 101 should be able to guide you towards the help and support you and your child need. Rape Crisis is brilliant. Rape isn’t only being held at knifepoint in a bush on a lonely path by a stranger. It’s far more complex and doesn’t always involve violence.
It’s so brave of you to post here and article so well the denial that affects so many of us. Please keep posting and please don’t be afraid/ashamed/embarrassed to reach out in real life.
It’s not an easy journey, but there are so many people and organisations to support you along the path.
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Hi, thank you. Its nice to hear that how ireacted to domestic abuse is not uncommon, although, I hate to think of people in abusive relationships selfishly its nice to not be alone!
I currently only participate in conversation with my ex partner via text message on a seperate phone to my daily one so that I can switch it off! This is definitely one of the best decisions I have made yet, I still allow myself to get wound up and hurt by some of the stuff or, start questioning whether he is being ‘manipulative or controlling’ or if it is because I am so used to him doing it, that I do not think him capable of anything else. Unfortunately because what he is saying is typically about my son, I find myself having to respond as others will say that he is raising concerns so, I do respond. I have a system in place where I always write using my professional head, and send it to others before I reply so that I know I am not reaponding irrationally. However, it doesnt help me deal with the emotional side attached to it.
I then end up just getting wound up and just moaning to my current partner(who is very supportive and just lets me moan) but, id like to not moan anymore lol.
Regarding the sexual violence mine was very unconventional/non-stereotypical to what we hear as you describe, so it is great to hear that rape crisis were great in your experience. It may help to accept that what it was.
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Hi Gardening. I am so glad you are reaching out for help now. Burying or minimising our experiences of abuse is a coping mechanism in response to trauma. Our brain often shuts down to help us survive, or the memories can be really fragmented. So please know that it happens to many of us, you are not alone.
I am also just now seeking help many years afterwards. At the time, it can be hard to acknowledge what we have been through, and we can’t always process it until we are ready. I was able to find free counselling through a local community organisation, which has been really helpful to me in working through all the unresolved feelings and letting go of the shame and guilt. There may be something similar in your area, or your local domestic abuse service may be able to offer it, if you feel it is right for you. I think attitudes are quite different now than they were even a few years ago, there is more support and awareness, and we have communities like this to be there for each other. Wishing you the best in your healing Xx
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I think have just described my state of mind! I definitely have very fragmented memories I think some part relates to a mindset of did that really happen or am I remembering right. I remember opening up to some people about the type of abuse!/topic of the abuse and them nervously laughing like surely this is not a real scenario. Ao then I start thinking was it like that?
I definitely think I need to reconsider talking therapy. I did get referred after my cbt sessions a couple of years after I had left but, quickly cancelled my appointments after only 2 sessions as the focus was on the sexual assault which, was the first time someone had put it to me as sexual assault. Prior to that I just thought it was a odd thing to do. I definitely still hate to consider it all as rape or domestic violence and become very uncomfortable to say it, I did pick up the courage to mention it to cafcass but it was very glossed over within the report with a ex partner has denied sexual assault.
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It can be really hard to even acknowledge that you were abused, or how bad it was. It has taken me years to get to that point, and be in a place to talk about it. You do question your entire reality, and its almost impossible for anyone who hasn’t been through this experience to understand what it can be like. People do question whether it could be that bad, because surely you would have left etc. But they don’t understand how the abuser grooms you, gaslights you, manipulated you; and how trauma bonding works to trap you in that relationship. So it can make you doubt your perception, but trust yourself. Ladies here understand ❤
A good counsellor will take things very much at your pace, and help you work to the outcomes YOU want to achieve. Having a counsellor who is experienced with domestic abuse, trauma, and sexual violence can be helpful. Mine isn’t specialised in that area, but she is very gentle and on my wavelength as a person, so it works for me. They have to make you feel safe.
It takes immense strength to extract yourself from an abuser, and to find the resources within you to carry on moving forward, as you have done. Never forget that, and give yourself credit for it, Gardening. It’s a huge achievement.
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