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Hello 👋
I enjoy listening to podcasts I find it keeps my mind busy in an empty house or when I just want a distraction. Today I listened to Operas super soul conversations on Spotify it was an episode called Byron Katie: Set yourself free.
Towards the end of the podcast Operah begins to ask questions on how she should act if she was being abused by a partner. Katie Byron says another person can not abuse you it is you abusing yourself. If for example a man was hits you you should feel ‘great it’s over’. Then if he hits you again you feel again ‘great it’s over’ she said each time he hits you it’s not him abusing you it’s You abusing you.
Operas says what if a family member keeps asking you for money again Katie says that we should be honest and say no if we don’t want to give anyone money otherwise it is us abusing ourselves.I am left feeling sad and confused after having a relatively good afternoon. Have I actually been in control of my relationship the whole time? Is the problem me because I can’t stand up for myself? Have I actually caused my now ex boyfriend to suffer? Was I the cause of everything?
Has anyone else listened to the interview?
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Hi, no not listened to it, and tbh, you’ve not really sold it to me lol.
I think what she may have been trying to say is we can’t control others, but what we can do is control how we respond to people and situations. How we respond to our emotions. How we respond to the self; protect the self, do what is right for the self and others.
If someone hits someone, then the best thing for the injured person to do is to walk away – I don’t think anyone can argue with that. However, in violently abusive relationships we know it sometimes isnt as easy as walking away straight away don’t we – there are other factors at play, like children, your home, lack of money. We walk away but it can take time.
It sounds like this Katy has a poor understanding of the complexities in abuse, she is saying that if you tolerate it then you are in fact abusing the self – but she is also assuming that we are all the same, she is not accounting for the fact we are human, different, and doing what we can at that time, in different sets of circumstances, different childhoods – it simply isn’t that black and white – if this is what she means.
Maybe what she is saying that it has a lot to do with self worth, perhaps those who have self worth do not tolerate abuse? However, I would always say that the person at fault is the abuser. If this person didn’t abuse there would be no problem at all would there, if we lived in a world where we all showed respect for one another x
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These kind of discourse can be extremely harmful for abused women to hear.
The fact is, when a woman is hit by an intimate partner its part of a whole pattern of abuse, shock and confusion follow, and normally bucketloads of emotional blackmail, fear for yourself (submerged but real), and possibly further threats of suicide from him if you leae etc, blah blah blah.
If someone randomly hits you on the street, you are free to leave, of your intimate partner hits you you could be killed if you try to leave.
Ignore anyone who thinks the door is open, and choice is easy. All the above doesnt even tae ke account of the depth of attachment a woman can have together with the fragile state she is left in
It’s simplistic nonsense, simply.
Bullies,bully, that’s why people suffer.
I hope you can shake of those harmful words and build your belief in yourself that you were absolutely not to blame he was, only him. No matter what he or others might say (in their ignorance).
Warmest wishes
TS
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I feel it would have been much more useful for some of us, if someone had taken the opportunity to explain that we get punished twice over, if not several times over.
First by the abuser, emotionally, physically, and psychologically and
second
and third, and fourth…we punish ourselves through the FOG of abuse thing, i.e. blame ourselves for not leaving earlier, blame ourselves for making excuses, minimising…
it is a hard slog re-building self-esteem after that. I’m not there yet, it goes so much in phases…
all best
ftc
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I feel it would have been much more useful for some of us, if someone had taken the opportunity to explain that we get punished twice over, if not several times over.
Yes, so much this ftc!
One of the worst things is being repeatedly exposed to the continuing confusion, obfuscation, denials, re-writing history, bad ba treatment from those earning a living off the back of providing ‘service’ so badly, the isolation, stalking, the use of your friends to betray you….
It’s so much better to be primed for this to know what you might be facing and prepare to be resilient.
Thank goodness those insights can be found here!
It’s such an awful state of affairs,continuing in where the abuser left off.
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I’ve found myself struggling with the MJ case recently, I simply cant understand anyone that calls theses men liars when no one really knows but them, what if it did happen, the emotional distress from not being believed, as we know is so very hard to deal with. I never want to be a part of this or cause anyone this kind of hurt.
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I did see this, and found both mens narrativea came across as completely plausible, and genuinely distressing for them. All that tried to knock their stories because they havconly.come out now…well many’s stories never get to mix with oxygen. For good reason do survivors not speak out, or challenge,or even realise how awful their life is living under it.
How abused mothera are expected to get the power balance bck sufficiently to keep themseves and ther children safe is a real point of need for change and acceptanc of the reality of abuse.
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The comments fro this Katy person are just BS. Self-abusing – utter tosh.
Relationships where one person dominates another is about power dynamics. The dominator would not be able to dominate a person equal in power so they deliberately choose a partner/friend/colleague that does not share their mindset ie. every conversation must be a conflict that they win, every choice must be chosen by them etc. We’re not weak or self-abusing but kind, compassionate and generous which is why we’re constantly being bullied by selfish people. -
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