Opinions (I’d be grateful for them)

[Anonymous]

Hi, I had a conversation with someone only half an hour ago, she opened up about an abusive ex (another lady not that that matters) but at the end of the conversation she said abuse only happens if you allow it (my heart sank a bit) cos I know it’s not that black and white and I was a bit shocked that someone who’d been though it formed that opinion cos there’s sooooo much to these things 😔💔😒

[Mellow]

And tbh she’s right I’ve been through it still going through it but I know in my heart I’m letting it because I won’t leave or take any action because 1.I’m scared of the consequences and 2.I believe I’m in love and my emotions are taking over but at the same time I’m letting him take advantage by not putting my foot down someone close to me said the same that you have to be firm with them and put your foot down .me myself I know that I can answer back in my situation but it leads to me being ridiculed most of the time or being told to leave them alone and have me chasing further for answers we are letting it simply because we won’t leave our emotions won’t let us.so in a sense I do think it’s right

[Anonymous]

Being scared isn’t allowing something it’s human to be scared of potentially dangerous people and you could be trauma bonded, the reasons people stay as so varied that’s why I was a bit shocked when she made it sound as simple as I just let it happen, thanks for reply 💛🐥💛

[nbumblebee]

I think if I am honest I allow my husband to treat me bad. I dont often stand up to him I dont often say No I dont leave so I guess it is my fault I do allow his behaviour so I can see her point.
HOWEVER I also now have learned that he controms me my life he and others in my life have beaten me down so so much I have such a low opinion of myself I blame everything on myself and actually the logical part of me tells me its not my fault I may allow it as such but its due to feeling scared powerless not having any love or tdust in myself and that is his doing not mine.
Iys a tough one i think maybe she is like me and blames herself which is why she said what she did. Its a personal thing i guess i read stories on here and think no way no way are any of you to blame for what you have all suffered but me Im different I am to blame as silly as it sounds thays me. Maybe she feels the same way??

[Anonymous]

Hi Nbumblebee, it was just the way she said it was like either be abused or don’t be abused as if it was that simple? that’s what I meant when I said there’s so much more to this there’s manipulation, coercion, actual violence/threats of violent and like you said self esteem, it’s really hard to get esteem when you got none (and it’s not like you can buy it in a shop) it just made me sad cos if it was that easy to leave it would’ve happened long ago 🌼🐣🌼

[gettingtired]

I’ve met other women who have experienced domestic abuse but clearly don’t realise what happened to them or maybe they don’t want to accept it. It’s horrible that society seems to view victims as being weak. I think even some therapists tell victims they just need to be stronger and put boundaries in place. Toxic and abusive people don’t respect boundaries not matter how hard you try, they just trample all over them.
It’s all so complex. The fact that some victims don’t even understand what’s happened to them makes you realise how hard it is for anyone who hasn’t experienced it to understand.
I thought I understood what was going on after almost a year of therapy and nearly two years of being on the forum but today after another failed attempt of leaving it’s all come crashing down again. The trauma bond is so strong, I don’t feel like I will ever be able to leave him.
Does anyone else feel like it’s like entering another world when realising what’s been happening to you? X

[Anonymous]

Hi gettingtired, it is really confusing and horrible I was really shocked when she said it as if women are just letting it happen like there’s no other factors involved, I know for one when I realised my upbringing and relationships were abusive and what I’d experienced were rapes I really didn’t want to believe it, it was like no that didn’t happen to me those things happen to other people complete denial but eventually you have to believe, the other world feeling was like when I was denying everything and trying to shut it down in my mind kind of tipexing myself out and making a new me that was ok but my insides weren’t, it took facing head on to make me see and it was horrible, have you ever had any time away from him? 💗💞💗

[nbumblebee]

100% @getting tired its like a dream world at times when hes nasty and really hurting me its almost like im looking down on myself like im not actually there I think its our way of coping with the trauma.
You have not failed you put far too much pressure on yourself it can take upto 7 attempts you are still half way dont forget you still have one foot in and one foot out you are further away than you were last year and thats amazing in my book.

[Camel]

Hi Auriel

I agree, it was an odd thing for her to say. I’m wondering if you disagreed with her or whether you internalised it and started to question your own experience. Speaking for myself, if I was still processing my abuse I would have kept quiet and started to doubt myself. Other people’s opinions matter so much more when we’re unsure.

I think this lady is probably rubbish at expressing herself. Or maybe she’ll never fully understand why she went through what she did. You, however, have brilliant insight and compassion.

[Anonymous]

Aw thank you camel 💗, we were just going our separate ways at that point but I was kind of shocked a little sad and when I’m shocked I kind of switch off a bit, I didn’t question it from my own experiences cos I know they weren’t my fault but I was taught at a young age that disagreeing or being non compliant led to consequences so I did end up going along with things later and freezing and fawning a lot, I dunno maybe she did blame herself it’s only the 5th time Ive ever seen her and it’s only been in passing short conversations but I got a little upset cos I was thinking how women don’t allow abuse if that was the case it wouldn’t go on for so long and gaslighting is something that’s such a mind bender that no could allow that cos it’s a confusing tactic but hers and the her ex was more physical than anything and financial, thanks for replying 🔆〽️🔆

[Eggshells]

I don’t agree that it only happens because we allow it. I think it happens because we don’t understand it is happening or because we fear the consequences of trying to stop it. That is not the same as allowing it.

It sounds like your friend is beating herself up. Don’t we all do that at some point?

“My fault he abused me because I allowed it”

No, absolutely not! Only one person is responsible for abusive behaviour and that is the abuser. Never, ever forget that.

[Anonymous]

Yes eggshells, there’s so many other factors going on in the dynamics and if things were that simple it wouldn’t go on for so long, she may have been blaming herself (I’m not sure I’ve only spoke a few times in passing)the only reason it was brought up was cos I’m going somewhere (detail removed by Moderator) connected to these types of things, thanks for reply though 🧁🍭🧁

[Newgirl]

I’m sorry I don’t agree with that I certainly don’t allow it it just happens and I feel so drained and exhausted to be able to get out, like yourself my heart would have sank. It appears maybe she hasn’t accepted it wasn’t her fault she never asked for it. She’s lucky to have you to talk too and hopefully in time she will process that it wasn’t her fault. We all struggle and the acceptance is quite a huge thing I think x

[Anonymous]

Thank you newgiel, your right it is a huge thing to process and accept it’s like unpicking everything they tried to brainwash us with, name us, shame us and blame us for, Thankyou for replying 🌷🌞🌷

[searchingforhope]

There is no black and white answer there. Like they have manipulated and gas lighted and confused us so it’s hard to have boundaries, its hard to stop it. I struggle hugely with boundaries and for standing up for myself. I freeze and shut down when he challenges me or questions me or says my experience or perception is wrong. I’m then left at a total loss as to how to continue. The fact that I don’t stand up for myself does allow it to continue, but then no matter what I say he has an answer or a twist on things and it’s so exhausting.
That lady is being hard on herself, I certainly am very hard on myself and I see others here are too.

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s fear, searching but I could never blame someone or say that their fear or self esteem or threats of what could happen is allowing, I guess maybe now she’s out maybe she saw it as allowing but the self blame has to stop cos it’s what a society that doesn’t understand the dynamics does and also what the abusers do to get away with it we have to stop doing it to ourselves cos we in no way would blame the other victims/survivors so we have to stop too
💗🌸💗

[searchingforhope]

You’re right. But the path is far from clear or easy in any of this and it seems to be constant effort to keep muddling through. Trying my utmost to stay free right now and Its taking everything thing I have. It’s hard to keep reminding myself of the truth and to trust myself. The doubts are enormous. There is a long road for society to realise the hardship of this. I don’t think anyone gets it unless they are in it. Which is awful

[Author]

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