19th July 2020 at 8:56 am #110392
Hi everyone. Some might remember past posts but here is my problem now. After a long period of psychological and physical abuse im a wreck.
My husband tells me I don’t leave him alone as in texts, but when he does psychological abuse its hard to cope with so I do text telling him how I feel but he ignores my texts and says he’s trying to calm down but he knows that makes me worse him just ignoring me. I’m in distress and want him to I guess fix me and tell me I’m not crazy. The pattern is…. He does the abuse and I fall to pieces but he’s still angry all day, then the next morning he says he dunno why it happened and he’s sorry…. Then later that day it will happen again and the next morning he’s sorry again. So ignoring my texts is like more abuse to me. He can’t see that and now I’m thinking is he right. I hate he does the damage and just gets away with it. Half the time I don’t even think he knows what he’s saying. I’m currently in the morning after (detail removed by Moderator) days of this abuse. It’s never stopping and he just does what he wants. My texts are basically me pleading with him to stop and what he’s doing to me. He’s controlling the way he responds so I look bad.
Feeling really really low and lost.
Can someone explain the damage caused by psychological abuse and how ignoring the victim can make them despair or is that just me
19th July 2020 at 9:05 am #110393
Also, one minute he’s so sorry then the next it’s my fault for not giving him space. These are in the same talk that he does this. My insides feel ill and I feel faint half the time, not been eating. Just a total mess
19th July 2020 at 9:22 am #110396
This is a horrible situation. You are completely normal in how you react to being abused – you want to understand, be understood and you want to stop it happening again.
This sounded like some of my situations from the relationship I have now exited.
A lot of the argument would continue via text, phone calls and face to face.
The b**w up would happen, I’d be at work or he would be away somewhere, but my head would be obsessing. So I’d text a long message explaining why what he said upset me or why he was being unreasonable etc. By putting it in writing it was like therapy to me and I imagined he would read it in the cold light of day, realise how unfair he had been,recognise how much he had hurt me, it’s in writing so he can reread it to really understand, and it won’t happen again….
And you know – if we were dealing with a normal person, that may even work!!
But we aren’t – we are dealing with abusers.
And these long texts are simply further fuel for them to know that they have upset us and the abuse has worked. Their aim is to control, to upset, to dominate our heads at the expense of anything else. These texts are perfect evidence For them it’s worked.
Plus it was taking up my valuable time, whilst I’d get a short response usually turning it around on me or reminding me of something I’d said or done in the heat of the moment. I’m then be back justifying, correcting maybe even apologising.
If I was to turn back the clock to 12 or 24 months ago when this was part of my life? I’d have educated myself sooner – instead of wasting hours of my life texting and stressing I would have read the books recommended on here – “why does he do that”, or watch YouTube videos on surviving N********m. I’d go grey stone in the moment (ignore him back- they absolutely hate being ignored) and I’d stop trying to make him understand the hurt he was doing and the damage to our relationship. Because by educating myself I’d know he already knows.
If he is an abuser this is not a fixable problem – it’s part of the abuse. You need to switch your mindset from why he does what he does to how does it make you feel. And is that the life you wish to choose.
I was in this cycle for years. I’d feel terrible for a couple of days after whilst he was positively buoyant. Things would return to normal, maybe this time we would not regress, we would be loving, have fun, watch box sets….but then something else would trigger another explosion….over the years I’d try to preempt what it may be, shoes out of place in the hall, having that extra drink when he was the driver, making plans for the weekend with a friend,- but the problem was we can’t be perfect all the time – and even if we are, they will find something – because they enjoy the drama.
It’s not about us changing our behaviour to avoid their flare ups – it’s about us knowing they will abuse regardless of our behaviour and we need to step back and prioritise our own mental well being.
Good luck!!! Stay strong – you deserve better!!! Xx
19th July 2020 at 9:24 am #110397
By sending these texts you are trying to rationalise with a terrorist.
Or you are trying to have an adult conversation with an angry toddler.
It won’t work and you will only get more and more upset and frustrated.
19th July 2020 at 9:51 am #110400
Wow your posts were powerful to me. You summed us up perfectly. I pure struggle to let him calm himself. He caused all this and now wants to be calm, leaving the trail of destruction and ignore it so he can be calm? Thank you for that, I really needed clarification in a way. I hate being blamed for not letting him calm when he’s spun me about and my mind is all over the place. He turns himself into the victim
19th July 2020 at 10:25 am #110404
Oh yes they play the victim perfectly!!
And I suspect by him having “his time to calm” he’s hoping time will pass and you won’t want to call him out on his behaviour and stir it all up again – meaning he gets away with it!
19th July 2020 at 10:34 am #110406
Exactly. You totally get me. 🥺
“You don’t let me calm down” aka it’s your fault.
😭, Just 😭.
19th July 2020 at 10:47 am #110408
Hey – it will always be your fault! There are only 2 of you so if it’s not your fault it would have to be his, right? And that’s not gonna happen!
For years I thought I could fix it. I’d get angry and fight back, I’d stay calm and be rational, I would stay silent.
I’d try to tell him the damage he was doing to us. If you imagine a relationship is like a solid brick wall. Every incident took a brick out of the wall. Eventually there weren’t Going to be enough bricks and the whole wall is going to fall down. I’d try to warn him. It just finally became too hard to keep the wall upright.
I didn’t actually end it either – or at least I didn’t plan to. He escalated a minor incident. I just didn’t react. I let him storm off etc and didn’t respond. When he eventually tried to fix it (By turning up, looking like the victim who was still a bit upset but let’s just drop it and move on type attitude) I didn’t let it drop, I held into my version of what really happened in the minor incident, wouldn’t just brush it back under the carpet and before I knew it, the whole thing blew up again. He was determined to gas light me on what happened and I was determined this time it wasn’t going to happen. Next thing we were separated.
I’ve since found out at least 3 of his previous relationships ended due to his temper and verbal abuse. It wasn’t me. I wasn’t mad, he would never change – I have no doubt he will be looking for his next target to repeat the cycle with already.
I am living in my own house with my kids, doing what I want, when I want. I’ve not had an arguement in months. I’m rebuilding and accepting what happened. I’m learning the signs so I don’t find myself back in a similar situation. And I’m going on a date tonight!!
There is a better life I’d we can break free. We just need to get out of the toxic environment to see it. X
20th July 2020 at 5:13 pm #110560LottieblueParticipant
Headspinning, your brick wall analogy is brilliant – so much more helpful than thinking of a dripping tap… the removal of the bricks leads to destruction, once the wall falls it falls. Completely different to a vessel of some sort starting to overflow once the drips have accumulated.
There are some very powerful posts on this thread, very succinct, relatable advice. Yes, the shoes in the hall, or did I make too much mess while preparing the meal that needed to be ready in time – which is more important to deal with? The shoes or the mess? Do I clear up after the kids or get them to the bath to stop the whingeing, which will also annoy him. Or then again, it might not tonight.
19th July 2020 at 11:23 am #110411
Awful and mirror image to my situation. I’m so ashamed of this but I did get away a couple weeks ago, I found a place but my kids wouldn’t come so I’m back here. I stayed in the new place a few days but it was so silent my mind was getting worse and I was falling into a deep sad mood. There’s a reason my kids want to stay here and for that reason I can’t force them. I can’t say on here what that is though but he won’t move out cos it’s “his” house. So I’m back and feel I’m stuck now. My husband is the best dad ever to them. They love him dearly. What a mess. I guess alot of ppl here would think this wouldn’t happen to them and if it does there is no way they would put up with it but now I realise it isn’t as simple as that. It’s almost like a process. I know in my head and head that I’m justified to feel this way, it just gets dragged into his thinking and then I’m back doubting myself
19th July 2020 at 11:51 am #110414
No sane person would ever think they would put up with an abusive relationship. But we are all on here because we all found ourselves in exactly that situation. For lots of reasons – FOG (fear, obligation, guilt), confidence erosion; it’s not all bad all the time so we think we are over reacting. Fear of embarrassment about what People will think; fear of retaliation.
And most survivors try to leave multiple times before they actually go.
That’s a Really tough one about your kids. Might be worth sitting with a blank sheet of paper and writing down all possible solutions regardless of how likely or unlikely they are. Can you find somewhere closer and the kids can split their time eternal you? Can you and your husband stay in the house for now but be separated? Is it really just his house or is that him putting fear into you?
19th July 2020 at 11:55 am #110415
It’s both our house. Joint, no mortgage. He has just kicked me (detail removed by Moderator). I’m now in my bedroom in tears. But he sees it as his cos we bought it with his inheritance. I’d walk away and give him it though. I don’t want a penny from him but he holds it over me. He’s driving me insane 😭😭😭
19th July 2020 at 12:00 pm #110417
You shouldnt try explaining your feelings, he will never recognise or even understand how you feel. Squeaking from personal experience it’s like trying to have a conversation with the wall. These men don’t care about how we feel, just about how they feel and it won’t change. It gets worse. If you need to have a rant or a mentdown then come on the forum and pour your heart out to us.
I would definately not tell him anymore about how you feel. He’ll more than likely be feeding off your sadness. I’ve seen that within my own abuser. And now I give him a taste of his own medicine. I don’t show any emotion whatsoever. It confuses my abuser and I’ve noticed that he’s at home even less and less these days, he’ll no doubt be looking for his next victim. Xx
19th July 2020 at 12:07 pm #110418
He’s just hurt me so I’m on my bed in tears and thinking I can’t do this anymore. I need to not talk to him ever. Trapped in my own life. I appreciate this forum so much.
He accepted he’s been abusing me so when he started again. I said look what your doing to me, you could be in prison for these things and he said no I can’t…. So that undoes when he said he knows he’s abused me. I don’t understand and don’t want to feel anything anymore 😭
19th July 2020 at 12:40 pm #110428
He’s physically hurt you? I think you should leave the house if it’s safe to do so. This isn’t acceptable. It’s one thing you’re having to deal with everything else he’s doing but attacking you is a step too far. Do you have family or friends nearby? X
19th July 2020 at 12:43 pm #110434
I have a house I can go to for tonight only then owners will be back. Yes as I’m typing in this forum he has hurt me 😭
19th July 2020 at 3:15 pm #110472
Real men don’t hit women SA2020. It’s the cowards and the bullies that do. He’s nothing more than a child trapped in a man’s body. You be safe and keep talking xx
19th July 2020 at 3:35 pm #110477
Thank you. Him kicking me today is mild compared to what I’ve said he’s done in past post. I’m grateful almost for just a kicking 🥺🙄🤨😟. He is definitely all about himself. He will sit staring into space and convince himself I’m evil. I’m really not, I’m a nice person although I’m too quiet in real life, even more so now. I’d help anyone and he hates that too.
19th July 2020 at 12:20 pm #110420
Mine accepted the blame for the friction and that he would change – until the day after he won me back – and suddenly it was “we both need to take responsibility and we both need to change”.
I had him out if the house for weeks – and within one day of returning he just couldn’t help himself.
The point is – they won’t change and they feed off our upset.
If he has physically attacked you then it’s becoming a police matter and they can and will remove him? I never went down that road and I minimised the incidents, but part of me wishes I had just called the police.
19th July 2020 at 12:23 pm #110423
I wish I had the guts to do that. I should be at that stage but there’s so many reasons I’m not. My head is at that stage though just things come into that that stop me.
19th July 2020 at 12:41 pm #110430
When you’ve had enough you’ll just know, you’ll feel different about him. Until then you should keep talking x
19th July 2020 at 12:48 pm #110437
I feel close. I can’t look at him. He’s lost completely. I feel angry he’s doing this to me and angry I’m allowing it. Alot of things I feel are about what other ppl with think if I leave. Nobody knows what he’s been doing and they all love him. He makes me sick
19th July 2020 at 2:44 pm #110464
Women don’t leave nice men. Keep telling yourself that hun and let others say what they like (Broad shoulders) only you know what goes on behind closed doors and only you are in control of your life and decisions. You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone. The longer you stay with this man, the worse you will feel about yourself then the more you’ll play into his hands. He’s not a man hun, he’s a violent bully that should be alone xx
19th July 2020 at 3:37 pm #110478
I totally agree. So if I know it why am I here putting reasons why I can’t get away. Although there is a big reason but I can’t tell yous cos if he reads this site he will know who I am. He knows I’m dealing with WA.
19th July 2020 at 12:21 pm #110421
He only accepted he had been abusing you to lure you into coming back. He played that card then he took it back off the table once mission accomplished
19th July 2020 at 12:28 pm #110424
Yes it looks that way. I’m so demented I feel like punching my own head like it’s too much.
19th July 2020 at 12:38 pm #110427
He needs to punish you now for Daring to leave. That’s what today is probably about. Yes, it really is that petty and pathetic. Why don’t you just gather up your kids and go out for the day. Get some perspective and distract yourself. He is loving that you are locked away upset in your bedroom.
You aren’t going to solve everything today but get some headspace so perhaps you can start figuring it out x
19th July 2020 at 12:41 pm #110431
Thank you that sounds a good thing to do. I’m so lost in this that sometimes I can’t see simple things to do, like go out.
Thank you for all your replies, I felt awful that I’m back and cancelled many posts cos I felt like I let you all down
19th July 2020 at 12:43 pm #110433
I remember Feeling exactly how you feel Right now- I remember screaming in frustration into my pillow and at one point I was actually worried I was going to completely lose the plot. I was punching the mattress in a full on explosion with frustration and I was the only person in the house.
I decided I wasnt going to let someone else exert that negative power over me any more. I realised the root cause of all of my frustration was him and his actions. I didn’t want to feel out of control any longer. It was my breaking point.
Within a month the final argument I told you about played out and it was over.
We need to get to a point where that final line is crossed and we just are not going to accept it any more. It took me longer in hi dsite than I would have wanted but I got there is the end. If you are determined to, you will find a way too xx
19th July 2020 at 12:46 pm #110435
I want to but don’t want to cos I want my husband back and my family to go back to be happy but I recognise what I want and what’s happening are 2 different things.
19th July 2020 at 12:47 pm #110436
I recently looked back on some of my posts from last summer, exactly a year ago. We separated over (detail removed by Moderator) but I took him back. Nothing changed, and I ended up in the same place at the start of this year (with numerous bumps on the way)
I don’t think any of us on here have left and stayed away on our first attempt. Don’t ever think you have failed.
It’s your journey and you have to make it your way.
Now get out there and enjoy be sunshine!!!! Sod him – let him play victim – that will soon stop without an audience!!
19th July 2020 at 12:54 pm #110441
Part of that post made me laugh lol thank you. As soon as I stop typing I’m going outside and hopefully I’ll be stable enough to not cry outside 🙂.
The injustice of all this gets to me so it’s hard to ignore him but I have to try cos your right if I say nothing he can’t do or say anything.
19th July 2020 at 12:53 pm #110440
I wanted my happy husband too. I wanted the life i thought I signed up for. It took me a long time to accept it was smoke and mirrors and that the real him WAS the abuser. We compartmentalise them. We separate their 2 personas and we put up with the bad because we crave the good. It’s the SAME person – really hard to accept that.
I’m reading Healing from Hidden Abuse and it is helping.
We were sold a dummy. It’s like buying the show house and realising it’s made of cardboard. The life we want with this people we cannot have – because they don’t want to change and compromise and be reasonable. Kicking you is NOT reasonable – was tat part of your image? No. If he was truly aware and cared the way you want him to that simply would not have happened.
Educate yourself with the books – it’s like someone has been in your house with a camera it follows such a predictable pattern!
19th July 2020 at 12:56 pm #110442
Thank you it’s that a good book for my situation? I’m reading alot so it gives me more understanding and knowledge
19th July 2020 at 1:13 pm #110444
I’d start with “Why does he do that” by Lundy Bankroft. It helps you understand and accept that it actually is abuse. And I regularly referred back to that in the early days.
If you accept it is abuse and you want to Recover, healing from hidden abuse is good, because it helps you understand the different stages we go through. We don’t just wake up one day with the realisation and then happily go on with our life – we go through various stages. I recognise I have already moved through some of the early stages and it’s nice to know I’ve already moved forward.
I also discovered a series of videos on YouTube entitled Surviving N********m- they are only 10-12 minutes each but they are so accurate for my abuser they frequently make me laugh! They also suggest coping techniques etc and accept we may have to coexist with the abuser for at least a period of time so some of these techniques can help get you through it. The videos are great for me because they validate and help me know I’m not mad!!
19th July 2020 at 2:34 pm #110461
Thank you. I’ll check those out. ♥️
19th July 2020 at 2:15 pm #110454HelphelphelpParticipant
It’s a horrible situation, it hurts and you put your all into trying to get back what you thought you had, the sad truth is you never really had it, I’ve been there exactly what your saying apart from I was never physically abused, you spend most of your days knowing full well your never going to be happy but the good hours or days are the days you get to rest your poor head and body of stress, and just when you maybe feeling a bit human, it all starts again, I used to even have seconds in the good times where I’d think ohhh this has been good for few days so I expect it’ll all kick off again soon.
When things were good he would say I love you!! And as much as I loved hearing it, as much as I wished he meant it, it would hurt my heart, because I couldn’t understand how love could be so spiteful, nasty, mocking, and not understand all the things I tried to reason with him about, he could, he didn’t want to. I’ve since thought, imagine your child was upset or had a worry and you mocked them for it? Imagine they are crying and you say ohhh your such a victim, poor old you. Imagine your child is scared of the dark so you make sure all the lites are off. That’s not love that’s abuse. And we can see it sooo clearly put that way, but question it from someone who is supposed to look after, care and love us. I have had the same and I feel the same as all the women who have had this. I’m still feeling it all very much, I feel you, and I hope you can find your strength to get in life what you deserve, and that is love understanding care support and someone on your side. My partner left me, he hurt me more in the weeks he left playing games with my head and heart like I wouldn’t believe someone could be so spiteful, I now still miss him n wish it was right but don’t miss the worry stress and feeling unsure. Take care of you ok xx
19th July 2020 at 2:33 pm #110460
You just made me cry lol you all make me cry more 🥺 but in a good way. Kindness kills me. I’m not used to it
You said things that I haven’t mentioned, I do get a good day now and then but I know the good days are getting closer to the bad.
He also goes on about ppl believing me. “How do they believe you? 2 sides to every story”. So now I think he’s right ppl are just believing me. Why? How?
19th July 2020 at 3:02 pm #110469AnonymousInactive
What wonderful advice you are getting here from Headspinning! Isn’t she grand? Not much I can add but just wanted to say Hi and that you are going through the vortex with all of this aren’t you? I always say it’s like going through a wormhole backwards! ughhh, hate it when that happens but it’s quite normal. Especially so when trying to shake off the horrendous effect these people have on us. They slime you day in and day out. You have a moment and then they steal if from you.
One of these days and I think it will be soon, you will just have had enough and that will be that. Nothing like resolve when a woman says – No more! I’m done. It’s just so much static noise and when you leave and then feel weird because it’s so quiet, it’s not a bad thing, you just feel the absence of all the trauma/drama 24/7 so it’s not familiar to you. Then it’s just you and you don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s like an addiction. You become addicted to the cycle of violence and abuse. Him hitting you? Uh, sooo not okay sweetheart! He is escalating and this isn’t good. Moreover he truly believes he has every right to do so.
If it were me, next time and I’d be ringing the police. Document everything and put it somewhere safe. You need to contact your GP and she will get in touch with DV for you. You need a worker from there that is “your” worker. They know the ropes and will walk you through your options. Please do this like asap. You fell in love with an illusion. The nice guy part of him isn’t real. Anything that is consistently inconsistent isn’t real and he is full of inconsistencies. He won’t change into being anything else other than this abusive man. Just how he’s wired and he likes it that way so don’t be fooled by anything he says.
He’s got you trapped in circular reasoning and it’s time to get out of his clutches. Reading is wonderful because it does affirm you in that you’re not crazy here and you’re so not. I wouldn’t look to him for anything but more abuse. Use your energy for yourself. I just worry for your safety physically. Real men don’t do this. Self entitled bullies do. And their target is never someone they respect, love or regard as anything other than someone they can kick in any way they see fit. Please keep talking here and please think hard about getting an appt. with your GP. That would be a good “option”, okay? Lots of love and understanding your way! This is hard, very hard but you are coming out of the fog, you really are!!
19th July 2020 at 3:45 pm #110480
Yeah when abuse started I thought there was a reason but that reason has been fixed and it’s still happening so now I’m realising it’s just him doing it. I’ve been married a long time and I was happy but not now.
I need to learn to let him sulk all he wants and not try get him to understand. The injustice makes me try but I need to just accept injustice and stay safe.
19th July 2020 at 3:21 pm #110474
Good advice from Braelynn! And I would add – make a list of all the instances of abuse. Go back as far as you can (those texts will help remind you!!). Keep adding to your list.
If and when you get to your “enough is enough” moment – that list will be invaluable in helping remind you of exactly WHY you are exiting.
It’s amazing what you forget and minimise. The list is your truth and it can really help when the love bombing starts and he knows you are serious. X
19th July 2020 at 3:41 pm #110479
Hey yeah I downloaded a diary and it’s all there and at the side it asks you ok to put a emoji of how you feel. Then on the main page you can clearly see a mood pattern. I’ve had to stop driving cos I’ve found myself going thru traffic lights and not knowing if they was red amber or green. I’m total zombie
19th July 2020 at 3:47 pm #110481
We have all been there. Stay safe x
19th July 2020 at 6:42 pm #110495AnonymousInactive
You’re doing well sweetheart, you are. And just know that the lifegiving force that we have in our little toenail is actually more powerful than what our predators have in their overall being. They don’t want you to know that and that’s why they keep you so beaten down. Abusive people actually fear people who are empathetic and they need to cripple them because if they ever get their game on and get healed – um, so like, yeah, you might want to Run. I’m all about equipping women to be warriors.
I know where the real power is and it’s in “you”. But you have to recognize it. We gotta clean those glasses for ya and put them back on your face. Clean up those bruises and wounds and teach you to stand up straight and take a stand. And like I keep saying, we have a very very potent kind of power in our being and the whole reason for predators and abusers to keep us shackled and crippled is so that – we don’t get that one. Because if we do – all this bullying and abuse is moreover them saying – I am afraid of you and they Are. Please do get that one. They are afraid. Very much so and they should be.
We rule if want to. We really do. A confident, strong woman who actually has many places in her where things have been grafted back together and are actually stronger in those places than they were previously – are a force of nature to be reckoned with. It’s also called – Chi. Your life force.
We are beautiful, wonderful human beings and we need to be about doing that. I can tuck my sword into my skirts and be gentle and loving and all that but don’t mess with me. I will put it to whoever’s throat if I need to. Don’t think I’m not aware, I am.
You have to very clearly decide that you treasure and honor this life you are in and honor “you” because largely here, that’s what it comes right down – to. Are you honoring your life force, your soul, your spirit, are you honoring you or have you given all that over to someone else who is imprisoning you?
I don’t do well with the prison thingie. Even if I die, I am not being anyone’s prisoner. I will fight to the death. I’m a brat but I also know how precious this life is. So bring it but I’m not going down without a very very nasty fight.
Fight for the right things in life……..not for the right to be a prisoner. Trust me when I say – when you employ that thing in your brain that says – I’m done, I’m just done and I don’t care what happens here, I am going to plow. When you do that – the whole universe hears you and it starts sending things your way. Doors open. They won’t when we stay on the fence and pretend their are shades of gray when that’s not really true. When we employ denial and magical thinking we are committing suicide and our predators win and we are just their food. Isn’t life more than that?
19th July 2020 at 7:48 pm #110510
Thank you. I have a disability that states I’m a blah blah warrior….I can’t say what I have incase he sees… But yeah I don’t feel like a warrior just now. I feel I’m the opposite. I hate him so much. He’s so deluded it’s almost like he really believes he’s right. It’s sad to watch him believing things that aren’t true. But I’m past the feeling sorry for him stage. Today I hate him. I do think now that he knows I have support. I have 3 ppl in real life that I go and see. Councellor, WA and someone else official. Now he knows I have them he is getting scared although he sometimes says he’s glad I have them I think he’s actually scared. Not enough to stop though. He’s backed into a corner type thing. Is this typical? Also I have official ppl on text and WhatsApp and I sometimes want to talk and they say message anytime but I feel guilty so I just open their chat box and don’t talk. I can’t bring ppl down with my problems when world is the way it is just now. I guess it’s same here but it doesn’t feel aimed at a certain person here.
19th July 2020 at 7:12 pm #110498ScapegoatParticipant
Hi SA2020, firstly I hope you are ok, which I very much doubt having been physically abused which no doubt has been normalised.
My situation sounds similar; I too have been kicked, slapped and pushed over today. All escalating from a row at beginning of week about an (detail removed by Moderator) session I had which I’d forgotten about so was told off for not telling him and accused of w******* myself out on the web. This went on all week and he’s hit me a total of (detail removed by Moderator) times when I said this to him, he said oh well we’ll round it up to (detail removed by Moderator) then!
Then he v calmly rang his mum to tell her I’m abusing him and he can’t cope anymore! I couldn’t believe how calm he went after screaming at me with a red face, bulging eyes and neck veins and a sneer 20 seconds previous. I’d actually recorded the whole morning prior to call (&thecall) but he refuses still to believe he’s done anything wrong and says I’d edited it! I too keep an online diary with emojis, though it’s a v depressing read
We have a grown up son, who in the last * months has finally realised what he’s really like and is on brink of hating him. We also have a joint mortgage. However he says because I worked part time when son was younger I owe him £1000’s or have to walk away with nothing.
On a daily basis he accuses me of lying, moving his stuff, cheating on him, abusing him, being lazy. I try harder and harder but the abuse gets worse and worse.
I know now I cannot fix him but I do need to fix myself…easier said than done when you feel like a complete head case.
Plz take care of yourself, you’re worth much more. I hope you find a solution. Have you read “Should I stay or should I go by Lundy Bancroft? I’m only part way through but it’s quite enlightening.
19th July 2020 at 7:41 pm #110506
Wow I’m so sorry for what your going through. It’s truly awful 🥺. I don’t know if you have seen my previous posts but I’ve had similar situation that he called his mum and told her I was abusing him and then they both abused me. Told me I’m sick and it’s my disability making me crazy. I’ve stayed on my bed all day since he attacked me. I was putting kids (detail removed by Moderator) away, it is really big and needed drained and dismantled and I asked him to help cos I couldn’t do it myself. He reluctantly helped but pulled (detail removed by Moderator) as well in a huff and it makes off me and I screamed ouch and he got angry and shouted at me then he stormed off and then I had to do it all myself and whilst taking (detail removed by Moderator) off the rain came on and I had just dried the (detail removed by Moderator) so I’m at on grass in the pouring rain silently crying and hating him. Selfish thing that he is. I don’t plan on talking to him ever again. I need to remain silent. I think your right, I tried and tried and it’s getting worse so I’m gonna try not try and see what happens. My mind belongs to him just now. He’s gonna go to bed soon and I’ll go downstairs and sleep on sofa. I have to keep my kids in a good place and they love him just now but they are too young to realise what he’s been doing and I put on happy smiles for them and cry when they leave room. I feel so sorry that you got hurt today too, hope your ok ♥️
19th July 2020 at 8:00 pm #110512ScapegoatParticipant
SA2020, oh Hun I really feel for you. I too retreat to the bedroom, have been here all day now and he will remain on sofa as he does majority of time. It’s c*** isn’t it? Makes you think why do they want to go through this but guess it’s about power and control. Mine is a right know it all, has to be right on absolutely everything in the world ( makes me wonder why he’s not PM)
Keep your chin up lovely lady, will he be at work tomorrow? Maybe you’ll get some respite. Don’t let your mind belong to him, he’s not worth it. They’re like having badly behaved kids, throwing tantrums every time something doesn’t go their way.
I’m ok, fed up I’m still here & like you I don’t want to burden or involve anyone else. I do disclose to my friends but I feel like a whinge as I don’t do anything positive to resolve it. I won’t be able to have them round or go out and see them as he has a security camera Which he uses to watch me and listen in on what I’m doing. Keep telling yourself you deserve more and stay safe 💕
19th July 2020 at 8:08 pm #110516
Yes exactly the same. I have 1 good friend and she will say how was your day? But she’s asking what did I get up to and it’s all negative if I tell the truth and that sucks. He has been off work due to covid and won’t be back until (detail removed by Moderator) 😭I don’t work due to health. Security camera is awful. Mine records me on his phone if I’m upset. Everyone has such similar stories it makes me see this is a thing…. Not unique to each person. I thought he was poorly but now I’m seeing it differently. Thank you for your comments it really does help even though it’s sad we go thru this.
19th July 2020 at 8:24 pm #110522AnonymousInactive
You don’t have to go through this……..you need to make an exit plan and get out. This won’t get better. Will only get worse. It’s sad but if we allow it, it’s that much more sad, isn’t it? We’re not shackled to the bed or in the basement so we do have freedom and we need to exercise that freedom. Explore your options, want out! Decide that it’s just not acceptable to you anymore that you are abused and live in a prison. Is that a possibility for you? What I know is that if we do nothing then we do agree with what our abuser does so if that’s so, we need to examine why we think that. We may scream in terror at what happens to us but if we agree with them then they have all right to do what they want so what is that “agreement” all about? A questions that begs to be answered because that’s all sometimes that stands in the way of a woman getting out of her abusive situation.
19th July 2020 at 8:49 pm #110528
Thank you. I think my situation isn’t as simple as I’m free to leave. I can’t say it cos I know it will be removed by mods for my safety. I appreciate your reply and understand what you mean. I’m very anti him. I know everything that he’s doing and know I deserve better. I’ve just had months and months of this and I’m much more vulnerable than I used to be.
19th July 2020 at 8:50 pm #110529
Thank you everyone for your replies, not only have yous given me advice but company also. I appreciate you all x*x
19th July 2020 at 10:05 pm #110535AnonymousInactive
Get help sweetheart………please call someone instead of just talking to us. Get professional advice from people that can actually help you make an exit plan. Please!
19th July 2020 at 10:05 pm #110536AnonymousInactive
And of course you can keep talking to us and don’t want to run you off at all. Please keep talking but just saying, I think you need help asap, that’s all.
22nd July 2020 at 8:08 pm #110781
Thank you, I understand x the support I have just isn’t every day so forum helps fill that gap between appointments.
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