Ostracised after leaving my abuser

[strugglingtorecover]

Hi there. i suppose i’m wondering if anyone can relate. i split from the father of my kids a (detail removed by moderator) Its taken me a while to realise that he was abusive to me as well as to our kids. One of the things that happened when we separated was he insisted that we could ‘be grown up’ and share the friends we had, (detail removed by moderator). I tried to go along with this before realising it was really distressing for me and i needed more distance. so i felt i had no choice but to avoid all those situations and start over with new people and places.

(detail removed by moderator) It showed up when there was a crisis – (detail removed by moderator). They generally told me they didn’t want to get involved and have just avoided me since. they don’t really see him either because he got a new girlfriend and became too busy. but i get the vibe that the other parents see me as dramatic or something.

In some ways i’m doing ok with it, i’ve managed to make some brand new friends, especially some single mum friends. its sad but im not too lonely. the trouble is, my new friends either don’t have kids or their kids go to different schools. and my kids are complaining about it. they complain about having to spend time with ‘my friends’, say my friends are weird or their kids are weird.  i’m finding it increasingly difficult to arrange it so i can be with my kids and also with other families at the same time.

its not the end of the world but it makes me feel lonely that i struggle to do normal things like have days out alongside other families, or spend evenings with other families. and like a have a double life. i’m either with my kids or with friends, and i cant mix them. and i feel like my older kid (detail removed by moderator) is forming the idea that ‘normal families’ don’t want to hang around with me. which may be true, weep.

i’ve thought about reaching out to some parents from school and trying to tell them my side of the story but……it feels doomed to fail. noone has reached out to me, and it feels like it would just fuel the idea that i’m causing trouble. one thing i’ve learned, painfully, is that people really don’t want to hear about abuse.

also, i dont really want to hang out with people who would act like that in the first place.

i’m so much happier now that i’ve managed to create distance from my ex. but hurts that i had to locally ostracise myself in the process.

sorry for a ramble. i guess i’m just wondering if anyone else ever found themself in the same position? tips for getting out of it would be a bonus……………

thanks!!

[Lisa]

Hello Strugglingtorecover,

I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling ostracised and isolated since leaving the abusive relationship, it must be an upsetting and difficult time.

It sounds like you feel it could be helpful to speak to others about what you’ve been through, people who will understand and empathise with your experience. In this regard, it’s great that you’ve joined the forum, I’m sure other users will be able to offer some advice and support around this soon.

It might also be worth looking up your local domestic abuse service, to see if they are running any peer support or group work programmes at the moment, this could be a good opportunity to speak with other women who understand your experience.

It’s great to hear that you have made new friends, perhaps this is a time to rediscover yourself and connect with people about new (and old!) interests, hobbies and past times. It may not feel like it at the moment, but this could be the beginning of an exciting new chapter of your life.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Dontlikehotweather]

Totally get it. Me and my ex worked at the same place. I had to leave my job there for other reasons and he stayed. I actually (detail removed by moderator).

When I see some of my ex colleges they are polite but I feel as if something is off.

He did a full on smear campaign against me, saying that I had (detail removed by moderator) and God knows what else. He told the management this and I know as I did a freedom of information request to the place we worked.

Nobody has reached out to me to confirm or deny any of this. The only bit of ‘come back’ that I have is that Women’s aid had to raise a safeguarding concern against him to the place where we worked.

You feel powerless and even now it’s constantly on my mind. These were people I thought were friends and I now see them going out on get togethers with him. It feels as if they are supporting him and have totally forgot me.

The only thing is it does sort the wheat from the chaf so to speak. I am not going to reach out to them. You are doing the right thing finding new friends because in my opinion anyone who is even still talking to the abuser are condoning the behaviour and that makes them no better than him.

It is very hard starting from scratch.

[Author]

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