29th October 2017 at 8:29 pm #49456Falling SkysParticipant
After a battle to be red of my abuser I am now on my own and enjoying it.
But the past week I have become overwhelm by life being normal, instead of leaving early and arriving home late I’m coming in straight from work. The joy of cooking when I like not when its safe, no banging about when I go to bed, not hours of whistling to keep me on edge.
I had the girls rounds for a takeaway which we all enjoyed, then had a girly day out. While I was out with the girls I was asked what I like make up wise which was nothing but I couldn’t say as my abuser would as soon as he knew I like something or wanted anything he would make sure I didn’t get or have it. I felt so uncomfortable I made excuses and left.
I am comfort eating (luckily I had lost too much weight due to the stress) but I need to stop or I will be over weight.
This is what I have been striving for and know I’m crying, or is it that I can now relax my mind is trying to heal?
Sorry if this doesn’t make sense.
29th October 2017 at 10:50 pm #49461Confused123Participant
maybe your processing all the abuse u went thorugh , it prob feels so nice to have that freedom and no one terrorising u all the time , i know im still going through my divorce, but the fact that i can live in my own rented place , it’s pure bliss not to have someone beating me up, cook whatever i want, wear what i want, have endless long bath …. just embrace the moment, your prob re discovering yourself and its just brill doing whatever u want. they say part of healing is crying for what u went through
29th October 2017 at 10:50 pm #49462SerenityParticipant
It makes perfect sense, Falling Skys. I’ve experienced very similar.
After my ex and I parted ways, I was suddenly free to eat or drink what I wanted: I always spent all my energy concocting him dishes to keep him happy, and he used to begrudge me even buying myself a coffee out, so I went a bit OTT and began doing this a bit too much!
Now I have reached an equilibrium. My body has strengthened and healed enough to engage in a proper weekly exercise programme, and I’ve settled on a way of eating that is healthy for me, at long last.
But it took time. I was so traumatised for so long- before and after he left- that I over indulged and made choices that weren’t the best for my own health. It was the stress and anxiety. I think, even after we have left, we still feel the anxiety, as it takes time for the trauma bond to dissolve. Sometimes, it was like he was Big Brother watching over me, or a fly on the wall. Rationally, I knew he wasn’t there. But it went deeper. He was still in my skin. We were so controlled for so long, that it takes time for the sense of freedom to fully roll out. It’s gradual.
After he went, I almost became rebellious- doing things that I knew he wouldn’t approve of. This was because he had told me how to think and live for so long: I was desperate to rediscover myself, like a teenager rebelling against an overly-strict parent.
Finally, now, I feel I can set my own rules, rewrite my own regulations for myself. Some might be similar to what he’d approve of, some might not: I don’t care, because finally I am doing it for me, without giving any importance to what he thinks or what he does.
I think your reaction to your friends regarding the makeup is understandable. You were programmed to be told you couldn’t have the things you wanted. So now, you’re protecting yourself, your freedom. It was an automatic reaction, I suppose.
But that brings me to another point. With our abuser, we were forced to reveal ourselves and our vulnerabilities, namely so they could cut us down it take advantage. After my ex went, I was still behaving as if I needed to tell people everything about myself, that it was somehow wrong to keep my thoughts to myself.
This us because we were in a relationship with someone who was invasive and didn’t acknowledge our separateness or our boundaries.
I’ve realised that I don’t need to reveal everything to everyone- my reasons for things, my vulnerabilities, if I don’t feel safe doing so. Our life doesn’t need to be a transparent goldfish bowl for others to peer into indiscriminately and comment upon. We are allowed to keep some things private and secret as we work in our healing. Even when we are well, we don’t need to reveal things to others unless we really feel we want to.
It will take time for you to feel safe and secure and in command of your own life. Time does the healing. Just keep on going st your own pace and doing the things that feel right for you. You don’t need to justify yourself to anyone x
30th October 2017 at 6:05 am #49469Falling SkysParticipant
Thank you con123 and serenity for understanding whats going on in my head. I suppose that i want to be completely free of him. But after decades together it is going to take time.
It comforting that people understand.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.