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    • #47617
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi everyone,

      I posted a few weeks ago about how I was having difficulty finding a place to live. You were all so kind and helpful that I just wanted to report that I found somewhere, a nice little terraced house with a small bit of outdoor space where the landlord is ok with me having a cat and will also accept me applying for housing benefit if I need to 🙂 I’m so happy about it and the agent also seems nice and understanding which is very rare. It is in a nice safe area walkable to the shops and most importantly, no where near my ex!

      It’s funny because just before finding out I’d need to move, I had watched this youtube seminar on goal setting. It said to set one goal and that the rest would fall into place around it. My goal was ‘to move out and be independent.’ A few days later my parents decided to sell up forcing me to find somewhere. It was like the universe was helping me reach the goal even though at the time it was terrifying.

      I have also been put forward for a job. It is part time and I am trying it out this week. This was one of my other goals, to find a part time job. The only problem is, I am so overwhelmed that I’ve had a migraine all weekend and really high anxiety where I feel like I can’t breathe. I’m not sure if it’s anxiety, the migraine or the tablets but I have felt so drained, exhausted and sort of out of breath. I am SO overwhelmed. I haven’t been in a job for ages and I’m worried that I’ll have a panic attack. I really need to calm myself down.

      I have also been trying to shop for furniture as the house is unfurnished and it is usually a fun thing to do but I feel so overwhelmed and have been panicking in the shops needing to rush out, if someone tries to talk to me I feel like I’m going to wet myself and like I badly need to escape 🙁 I think it’s because I’ve been dreaming about my own place for ages, and everything is all quite rushed as I am due to move in soon. I don’t want to move in and not have anywhere to sit or sleep, but I also don’t want to rush into buying stuff I’ll regret, I just feel like I don’t have much time. It also feels overwhelming trying to plan when to get things delivered, I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing (I often doubt my ability with things like this due to a life of abusive people treating me like a child).

      I also think the furniture shopping has been quite triggering as the last time I went to these shops was with my ex. I remember crying in one as I felt so depressed and had no idea it was because of him, I thought it was the shop but I went there the other day and didn’t feel that same awful heavy depressive feeling I got there with him. Without sounding like a wimp I also feel a bit worried about buying heavy things I can’t carry as last time my ex carried the really heavy stuff. I don’t want to depend on a man but I can’t carry big heavy things like beds and sofas by myself so I have been worrying about who will help me, I don’t want it to be chaotic *and breathe*

      I think I probably need to meditate, do some yoga and write down all my fears. Sit outside in the garden and be in nature. I thought it would also help to write it out on here as you all get it. The furniture thing is a bit silly, I think it is just a relfection of how overwhelmed I am about all these changes. They are such positive changes, but I think it is stressful having them all happen at once.

      It has already helped me to write this on here so thank you for listening.

    • #47618
      KIP.
      Participant

      What you’re feeling is perfectly normal. Being with an abuser messes up even the simplest of tasks. You’re like a toddler learning to walk again with someone pushing you down every time you get up. Well there is no one to push you down now. Break the tasks down into manageable pieces. You are doing tremendously well. What adventures we can have when we are free…….

    • #47642
      Tiffany
      Participant

      Could you get some furniture on freegle or gumtree free ads to start you out then get the things you want slowly over a longer time period. If you weren’t paying for the furniture it wouldn’t matter if you didn’t love it as you could put it back on offer for free when you replaced it? It might help to take a bit of pressure off. If what you need are just the basics – bed, chair table etc and you don’t need it to be perfect/match you will probably be able to find most of it for free fairly easily. The only problem would be picking it up, but as most people want things taken away in the evening or at the weekend when they are off work then you might be able to get a friend or family member with a big car or a roof rack to help you. It’s also amazing what fits in a large taxi and how helpful taxi men can be if you seem desperate enough…

    • #47654
      anna
      Participant

      Thats so wonderful that everything is starting to work out. Keep up your yoga and other mindful things as so helpful for you!
      its hard to know about the furniture. If you buy something new like a bed they usually for a small charge will put it in the room you want. And it might be worth in the first instance to buy small things like a chair, fold up small table as these are lighter to carry if you have to and keep costs down while you are job hunting because if the job hunting goes well you will beable not only to get more things but pay a company to bring the things.
      And the other thing is as you get more confident and go out and about you make friends and friends usually are happy to help occassionally. For instance once when we moved my husbands best friend kindly helped empty our house and bring our furniture to our new house and recently when i went away my neighbour offered to water my container plants in my garden. In turn i am happy to help others.
      it sounds like its going really well and im so pleased you look like you are also going to have a decent landlord. keep us posted and let us all know how the job interview goes I have my fingers crossed for you!

    • #47662
      Serenity
      Participant

      I’m so glad that you have found a safe little place to call your own.

      It’s bound to be triggering, however. It’s a big step. After being controlled for long, independence can seem daunting.

      Don’t rush to do everything at once. Get the essentials, and give yourself time to build up your own cosy place, as you like it. This is your force now: you don’t have to rush it, and you can paint the walls shocking pink if you choose!

      KIP is right: break things down into smaller tasks. Just tick off one or two a day.

      x*x

    • #47675
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Thank you everyone, you are so kind and understanding.

      I couldn’t calm my panic down and have felt lousy with anxiety for the past 5 days so I have told the agency that unfortunately I can’t take on this particular job. It was such a difficult decision but I think it is the right one, because the job is a high level in a part of the sector I am not as familiar with. Of course now that I’ve said I can’t do it my anxiety has gone right down and I am partly thinking ‘sigh, I could have done it.’ However, I think it is probably best if I get a very low key job that doesn’t make me feel panicky so I can build back my confidence, rather than going back in at a fairly high level again.

      It’s hard because I know that I could do the job and I wanted to prove to myself (and maybe others too) that I could do it, but after all my therapy and research and soul searching, I know it wouldn’t be the right match for my personality and temperament. I’ve realised that I am very introverted and thrive best when I can work quietly and independently by myself. This job involves 1-1 focus on another person and a lot of talking with nowhere to hide and that was what was making me panic. I have done it before and it makes me feel really on show and last time I started to get bad panic attacks and had to sleep for hours after each day to recover the energy lost from how intense it was.

      I have an idea of the types of low key job I could do, something that is low stress that I can do without people in my face and lots of stress and pressure to perform and feeling on show all the time. The difficulty for me with most jobs these days is they are very people-focused rather than task-focused which is my main anxiety trigger but hopefully something will turn up.

      Thanks for listening and I hope you are all making good progress too. 🙂

    • #47684
      Lightness
      Participant

      Sunshine

      I really relate to your post

      It can be so frustrating to have things we want to do, and to want to move on, only to find that our past traumas make it physically impossible.

      You’re doing really well. Well done for having the strength, courage, emotional intelligence and self awareness to not take the job on. You will be get there, but little step by little step at a time.

      Lx

    • #47703
      Ayanna
      Participant

      Moving was extremely stressful for me too. I liked where I lived and did not really want to leave but had no choice.
      I felt paralysed and very unwell at the time. I could not even carry a shopping bag.

      I got everything delivered.
      There are great services available from shops and online retailers. I did hardly anything. I ordered the stuff and they even put it together and placed it where I wanted it.

      Without these services I would probably have lived out of carton boxes for a couple of years.

    • #47971
      bunsandcakes
      Participant

      Hi Ayanna I remember speaking with you in the past. I too suffer very very badly from anxiety at the moment. I am settled in a rental now and got most of my furniture from gumtree and freecycle and friends donations so I really feel for you. For me, doing all that stuff and having the kids kept me so busy I didn’t feel down or depressed or anxious at the time, it has been far more gradual as things settled down and I thought Id feel better I actually felt worse. Its a very odd thing when you are making progress and things ARE improving only you don’t emotionally feel better, if anything worse. Anxiety is normal. Depression is normal. Anyone who was going through the major upheavals of housing would feel those things and throw in an abusive ex and well… its no suprise at all you feel utterly overwhelmed. The tricks I have found that REALLY help me are:

      – I bought a book by Dr Claire Weeks called ‘Self Help for your nerves’ and it was a bit of a revelation. She speaks like she is talking TO you and it calmed me down a LOT during bad panic attacks – still does – Im having them daily still.

      – CBT councelling – practical help in how to deal with the panic attacks and listing out tasks that need to be done and focussing on the now.

      – Mindfulness via the Headspace app.

      – Yoga – I started at home with a youtube channel called Yoga with Adriane

      – Running with headphones on listening to the radio.

      – Listening to the Archers. Its not very exciting and lulls you into a storyline that helps distract you from negative thinking.

      I hope some of these help you. Im on 2 types of anti-depressant and STILL get anxious all the time. I have court cases for finance pending atm and so I m trying to be kind to myself and remind myself that it is not surprising I feel overwhelmed.

      Much love x*x

    • #48616
      SunshineRainflower
      Participant

      Hi Lightness, Ayanna and Bunsandcakes,

      I kept meaning to reply to your replies on this thread, sorry for the delay and thanks so much for your support. I have got the keys to the place now and have been cleaning it as it was not in a good state. Sometimes I love it and feel very lucky, sometimes the state of it gets me down. When I compare it to the other places on the market that are all newly decorated and clean and beautiful I have to keep reminding myself that it’s an amazing gem because it allows me to have a cat and housing benefit – these newly done places are out of my budget and don’t allow a cats or any sort of benefits of any kind.

      I hired some van men the other day to bring up my furniture. I’m still not living there yet though because I need to find a sofa and order a bed. There are also no blinds or curtains and on some windows not even curtain poles so I have been trying to sort this out to make it habitable. I have been thinking I should go on a basic DIY course to learn how to use a drill so I can put up shelves, curtains, blinds etc as it’s expensive having to get a handyman to do everything. The agency seem ok and have sorted out quite a few things, it’s a shame they didn’t have it sorted all out for me moving in but it was my only option so I am having to make do. Once the curtains/blinds are up it will feel more like a home.

      Bunsandcakes I too like Yoga and Adriene, she’s great! I did some yoga with her yesterday. A lot of people mention the headspace app, I will have a look at it. I have a meditation mat and used to meditate a few times a week. It’s something I plan to build into my new routine. My friend who is not well also listens to the Archers so I will try that too, thanks. And I will check out the book too, thanks for all the recommendations, I really appreciate it.

      Sunshine xx

    • #48859
      bunsandcakes
      Participant

      Hi Sunshine, good to hear from you again. I had/have the same with my place. I found freecycle really good as did I with carboot sales. I have pretty much kitted out my whole place for maybe 2k? Including beds, cots, sofa, chairs, cupboards, draws… the lot! Also dont be afraid to ask your local community if you need things, gumtree and freecycle both have ‘wanted’ sections where you can post if you need something. People are good hearted. I got a cot from a friend.

      This year for my birthday, my mum bought me a drill and I am slowly learning a little DIY.. Ive cut my fingers more times than I can say and snapped many drill bits but I am getting there!!! Again YouTube everything!!! xxxx its empowering to know you can do some things for yourself.

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