Overwhelmed and scared

[shine bright 2]

I’m scared about him coming out of prison.Really scared. He said he wud cut my tongue out if I told people. He will.
I decided to move (detail removed by moderator) miles away but I’m so anxious. (detail removed by moderator) kids to sort out. Need to give notice from job. I am in the kind of job where I can do agency for a while. I’m selling house and have a fair bit of equity I can use. I’m scared I won’t find somewhere to live cos I got terrible credit rating….can they let you pay rent in advance? I’ve got no one to help me anymore cos family don’t wanna know after bringing shame on them. I’m scared I won’t be able to cope. I’m at breaking point and snapping at kids for no reason. Last time I ran he found me. He punished me by hitting me across the face and raping me while my kids slept next door.whst if I can never stop being his property?

[SunshineRainflower]

I’m so sorry to read this Shine bright, I really feel for you and can imagine the fear that you feel. Do you have support from your local domestic abuse team or the police? If not then I’d definitely ring them for advice and support, after all they are there to protect you. Also ring the helpline too.

Just take it one step at a time. Fear tends to paralyse us, so take a deep breath, connect to within and ask yourself what is the next step to take. That’s how I’ve been coping and it seems to help especially when I feel overwhelmed.

My council sent me door and window locks and I have a personal attack alarm too, all of which help me feel a little safer, so find out about things like this, I think its called the Sanctuary Scheme.

You sound incredibly strong and resourceful managing work and to care for (detail removed by moderator) children, that is super impressive. What a great role model you are to your children. You have coped amazingly well so far so there is no reason to believe you can’t handle this next stage but I understand your anxiety completely.

I am sure you will find somewhere to live as each landlord is different, you could ring some local ones up, sometimes they advertise in post offices etc and there are websites that advertise rental properties without agency fees too. Don’t give up, keep going. xx

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

When we are scared we go into frozen mode, try and take deep breaths and deal with this rationally, the stress is understandable , i would be the same, let me assure u,, u r doing brill, dont worry if your family wont help you, u find in scenarios like this u get more support from people that are not even your blood, keep posting and reaching out to support available. Yes you will be able to find a place , i relocated and had terrible credit due to ex bringing my credit down, approach private landlords who advertise in newspapers, shop windows and online, open rent is a popular one that i like. You can get a place through letting agent to, but i find they rip u off with their fees and want a gurantor but you could get away with that if you say u can pay rent in advance by 6 months .

You can do this hun, your ex said all those things in anger to scare you and it has worked, my ex did same recently threatened to get me hurt (detail removed by  moderator), i issued a non mol and that touch gold has put him in his place. Get a non mol out so he cant come near u or threaten u indirectly wither via another person. Make police aware of your concerns, get an alarm alert fitted in your new place and any other security measures you can put in place.,these men get put in place by the police. Sorry to hear he attacked u sexually, hope u reported him,, these men make us carry their shame , i know i personally felt low and stupid reporting ex, but it sadly has to be done to protect ourselves, stay strong hun, you are so much stronger then u beleive and know,

[shine bright 2]

I have a non mol. Police intend to apply for full restraining order as part of case. I have alarms, GPS tracker, sic flagged address and everything but I just want to be free of it all. I’m just so convinced that he will come after me.He has threatened things before and he has carried them out. Everyone I do something that he sees as wrong he punishes me. I still have the scars.
I have a good relationship with police and they have helped so maybe I can talk to them. Sometimes they are a bit slow to respond which is understandable when it’s not urgent
Thanks for the advise about renting. That helps.
I don’t think I have felt this bad in a long time it’s lonely Tring to sort it out my own. Not really found women’s aid helpful. I can understand why because on the surface I’m alot better off than a lot of people. I’m lucky I have the funds to be able to get away to somewhere decent.
Just fearful of starting over and it all going wrong.

[Twisted Sister]

All power and strength to you courageous sister!

Hate to think of u feelin alone on your journey.

Do message me if you want. You have come si far and it shocks me to think that you could think that you are in any way somehow less in your risk and fear of him after all hisabuses to u all.

Take heart and do everything u can to be safe. Thinking of you.

Warmest wishes

Karmasister x*x

[shine bright 2]

Hey Karma,
Missed you. I’m OK. I’m just afraid of everything you know. What if I make a new life and he finds use…what if we hate it there, head gonna revenge. What if he comes after us when he gets out? I’m so scared. I talked to police and he’s very calm and matter of fact. Talked me through all the precautions…but I’m still scared. He must hate me and when he hate me he hurts me. My body can’t take any more harm. Not my bosy or mind. Just thinking and worrying all the time. It’s lonely cos I had a lot of support and to some extent still do but trying to stand on my own two feet.Holidays…kids still up no time to even think. Might pm latter Karma….I dunno how to cope with all these fears.

[Twisted Sister]

you’re not alone! you’re really not. Your situation sounds terrifying and who can blame you being terrified of him.

I really agree that they hate, they say they love, but its not love is it.

warmest wishes KS x

[Peaceful Pig]

Hey Shinebright, it’s good to hear from you though sorry to hear you’re struggling. It can feel really hard and lonely once the crisis phase is over and the support ebbs away, yet there is still so much to sort out and overcome on our own. You are absolutely right to be terrified, there is every reason to be. Yet you have been extremely terrified many times before and each time you did it anyway. You will overcome this hurdle too. I’m sure you be able to arrange all you need to. It’s a shame no-one can guarantee that he’ll never find you, it’s a terrible way to live knowing that someone has such hatred for you, but it sounds as though the police are doing all they can to protect you which is good. You are not alone, we’re with you in spirit xx

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

I’m glad u have built a good relationship with the police, continue this in your new town, i found the police in my new town are brill, u seem to be doing all the right stuff, your fears are natural , but u watch the new move might work out better, the further away u r the better

[shine bright 2]

Thanks all…I always take strength from people here…but at the same time it hurts to think there are so many people who are suffering too. I feel like bad sometimes because things are more.difficult when u have so many kids. I love my kids to bits…..but it was not really my choice to have so many. Then I hate myself for thinking that way. Sometimes I wonder which one was born because he rammed up against the kitchen wall and raped me…that’s awful and I’m ashamed to admit that.
I love each one with all my heart but…the work of organising work and kids schools and the house!! The police guy was.saying to me before ” you’re still young” but I feel knackered and old right now. I got a few friends but not much. Some people in my culture supported me in standing up for myself but even some of those people don’t want to be associated. I don’t understand how people can think it’s better and more honourable to hide a wife besting rapist it than to speak out.
How do people survive with no one? It was all tea and sympathy and sisterhood when he was beating me…but only so longs as I put with it. You know what they did. If he beat me thy would come over and cook and take the kids and moan at him. Lucky me. One time when he beat me up with a belt I went to a friend who is white and male he cried when he saw what he done and said go to the police All said was be a better wife I Hate them all. Hate them. Can’t wait to get away but hope I can cope on my own. I pray that he doesn’t find me cos I would defend myself.

[Confused123]

hey hun

u wont be alone , u will always have our support on here, can so releate to u when they say just keep taking it and be a better wife , they can all p**s off

[Twisted Sister]

you are allowed to defend yourself ShineBright; so much the better though that it doesn’t come to that and this move (maybe change your names too?) will hopefully make you feel in a safer space, although its true that you can never be 100% sure you can’t be found i guess.

if he were to report you missing to the police it would best the police know your plans so they don’t view you as a missing person. anywhere you claim benefits would mean you could be tracked through your NI number, I believe. Work with benefits to see how you can be protected perhaps?

You have found friends and I’m sure you will find more it will just take time, and when you have little ones its a lot easier to meet other mums with little ones that will do play dates and take turns to host. You need a break.

you are finding being here a great support and that won’t change just because you move to somewhere else this forum remains here for you day and night.
warmest wishes KS xx

[Twisted Sister]

Just a thought, i’m sure you are already aware, but there might be many different play options around for your children of different ages that you could settle them into whilst you catch a break, is there a startright near you, etc. children and family centre and so on?

[shine bright 2]

Thanks all.

We have sure start..but always clash with working hours. It’s pretty much pick them up from after school club feed the and crash out. I don’t feel bitter towards them but it is hard and it isn’t necessarily that I would have chosen to have more than 3. Ironically he seemed to love me more when I was pregnant.
I’m scared that the dream can’t happen…that he will always find me.He found.me before and he punished me. People on this forum before will remember when I was terrified he hade made me pregnant..when I was on here asking what to do because it hurt. What if he finds me again? I couldn’t carry on living if he got me again.
I know there is no point to this post…that no one can say what will happen…I’m just talking to the night air. One more time…and that will be it. I cant let him do any of it again. If he finds me ill make sure he feels pain lime I did with that belt. Please God keep him away.

[KIP.]

I remember my women’s aid worker telling me to never act on his threats. Only act on what actually happens. I wasted a long time imagining what he would do and say but at the end of the day all I did was cause anxiety to myself. You’re not the same woman you were when he hurt you before. You’re smarter, stronger and will stand up to the coward and report him to the police. He knows you’re no pushover anymore. He’s had a taste of jail and he won’t want to go back. You’re doing great. I feel the same. I never fought back in the past but I’m quite sure I would fight like a lioness if he ever came near me again. Good riddance to bad rubbish ❤️

[shine bright 2]

Maybe I’m as evil as him. Sometimes I think a b
About what it wud be like to beat him or shi email something inside himself. Sometimes I want to see him like he saw me. I wanna take a cable or belts and draw blood…even in places where he can show no one…have him cry and beg. Maybe I’m bad like him. But never hurt anyone.so it’s all talk and if he comes I’ll just let him hurt me. Maybe I’m that c**p. I actually think I wud be so scared I wud.

[shine bright 2]

Predictive…you get my meaning

[KIP.]

You’ve come a long long way just to imagine watching him suffer. The biggest punishment for these men is no contact. I remember my ex after one of his outbursts begging me to say something, do something, hit him punch him (I wouldn’t dare), just do something. I just sat there traumatised and that’s what he hated. No contact is our ultimate sweet revenge. Concentrate on the here and now. Mindfulness is good for that. Enjoy the peace and quiet x you’re in charge now 👍

[Confused123]

I agree with kip, even if we got them beaten up and put them through the pain they put are us through, it wont feel justified as we cant change back the clock to what they did to us, i think no matter how much we hate them for what they did to us , and we prob do have days where we think actually yes it would make a difference to seeing them in that much pain , it wouldnt, cause it would reflect the pain we went through which we know was so wrong if that makes sense. No contact and moving on your life is the best success and revenge for them , cause they are not in our heads and they not controlling us, we are away from their evil

[shine bright 2]

I know you are both right. Some days I want to revenge and some days I want to rescue him from prison and just tell everyone I lied. I’m tired.

[KIP.]

“when you’re going through hell, don’t stop, just keep going”.

I just kept going until I finally found I could actually cope well and function well. That day will come for you too 🌷🌷🌷🌷

[Confused123]

HI HUn

Never ever rescue him, u have got this far, do not ever feel guilty for him for what he put u through, if his in prison its for a reason, if u gave a ounce of pity he would rip u apart again, sorry to sound harsh but these men are very dangerous and we need to have it pointed out to us the minute we feel guilt , when i used to feel sorry for my ex , my friends blantly used to say do u want to give him a chance to kill u again and he might succeed this time. Keep well away

[Ayanna]

He might not come after you. They might have educated him in prison, make him understand that he would go back straight away if he did anything.
Speak to the police about your concerns.
Tell them how scared you are, what happened in the past and that you need an extended safety plan.

Regarding renting: you can pay rent in advance for a very long time. The longer in advance you pay the more some landlords will like you.
I was in such a situation a few years ago.
If you can take a flat in a gated estate that has CCTV.

Also, let social services of your new area know that you are in danger, so that they ensure the school keeps your kids safe. They can help you to make your new home safer as well.

[Author]

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