1st June 2016 at 7:44 pm #18448
After months and months of playing it cool, being calm, trying to outwit him…I am now filled with real red hot anger.
It seems to me he has got away lightly.
He continues to feign being a nice guy to people. He uses my youngest as a crutch- to look good. But he is a twisted psycho.
I suddenly feel full of anger and am thinking that the only way I will feel vindicated is if he goes to prison. If I finally shout at him and tell him what I know of who he is. He’s never seen me properly angry- I feel like showing him.
The anger is overwhelming.
1st June 2016 at 8:24 pm #18450Bridget Jones Is FreeParticipant
Please Serenity don’t do that. You would be the looser. Where is my graceful Swan? Don’t let yourself down, your anger is totally normal, your mind is in override mode thinking about the past, what you have experienced with him and he carries on affecting you because children are involved.
It’s totally normal. I understand. Part of me doesn’t want to divorce because I know I will be affected like you in this way, resentment and bitterness are hard to avoid.
But can you find a way to ignore those feelings, maybe write about it and then read your writing? It works for me.
An old lady said to me today that detachment is possible but comes at a price : Hurt.
I talked to her today, she is so wise. She told me though that she probably has lung cancer…
Try to stop yourself feeling angry by distracting yourself. Take a nice magazine or a good book, watch a fun video but don’t waste your anger on this monster. Being angry is ammunition and point scoring to him.
Ignorance is best.
Read the Serenity prayer xxxxxxx
1st June 2016 at 9:05 pm #18455godschildParticipant
Personally as you are safe and away from him , I would do it, I have felt that intense overwhelming anger earlier in the year, I beat a cushion over and over and wrote it down but also do express anger , I don’t see why you shouldn’t , after all what he can he do if you do, it may give you great reliefxxx
1st June 2016 at 10:37 pm #18463Peaceful PigParticipant
Hi Serenity, you are entirely justified in feeling all that anger and more. It is a healthy sign that you no longer take any responsibility for his abuse and are developing a strong sense of your own worth. Don’t resist the feeling, but let it fill you with a sense of your own power. There’s no need to act upon it, just let it be. His come-uppance is on it’s way without your help. Just sit back and watch him cause his own downfall as his web of lies tightens around him xx
1st June 2016 at 10:57 pm #18468
I wish i could advise you , but living with ex i lost the connection to my feelings and nothing gets me angry , my kids can try annoy me to max i just remain calm , so calm it p****s them off. In time even though it doesnt feel it now he will have no impact on u. do u remember or maybe u dont , but i used to hate my ex b in law so much , it was like the ex abused me in all areas but b in law financially and emotionally joined in, i felt there was no justice as he walked around as the good guy, i really couldnt care less about him now, i refuse to waste my engery getting angry over him and how he stole of me, i have faith in karma and that gives me enough justification knowing he will get his turns in time, knowing that he cant get to me in my head and has no influence is more powerful as he has lost all control over me , both of them called me the other day, i remained polite with ex and sent text to b in law am busy willcall later, i have no intentions of calling bk, remain in control hun, u dont know it buthe is prob going livid trying to get reaction out of u too, karma will hit your ex in face too , u may not see it, but it will hit him, your true jewels are your sons who are both with u
1st June 2016 at 10:58 pm #18469
and lastly if u are feeling angry thats good as you are processing the feelings, closer to closing that chapter and door more
2nd June 2016 at 7:37 am #18485AnonymousInactive
Sounds to me like rage, Serenity?
Only one healthy way I know to deal with rage and that’s to cry, hot, furious, angry emotional tears.
Let it all out, let it all go, preferably somewhere private (though I have a friend who will cry anywhere – I so admire her!)
Igniting the tears can be a problem. I find writing helps. I get paper and pen and write about the injustice, the hurt, the lost years, the wasted opportunities, the pain, the gut filling sadness, etc.
Then I cry until it’s all gone.
Revenge never works out how I picture it IME, so now I leave that to karma.
Who knows what punishment the ppl who hurt us actually deserve?
I only know what they did to me, I wasn’t there during their tortured childhood to see the damage done to them (nor they mine).
*I know what they did to us is not right, not OK at all, and I will never defend it.*
I also don’t believe it’s helping anyone to continue the cycle of abuse by hurting them even more.
All that’ll do is give them another excuse to treat another person or family badly. And that I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Much love S xx
2nd June 2016 at 7:49 am #18488
Thank you, all.
Peaceful Pig- thank you, maybe this is me stopping being a victim and finding my sense of self- worth. He never allowed me to be angry. If I ever felt angry, I quickly made it disappear, because he would have made out I was the abusive one I am sure! He made me feel I should bear all his abuse like a martyr.
He is apparently floating around, attending festivals where everyone gets to hear his voice, obviously so in love with himself and not caring at all about the destruction he had left behind, and still trying to cleverly abuse me even now. How can he be so in love with himself? He is a sick human being. Then he drags my youngest along, to try and make himself look’normal’ to everyone ( my kids are amazing, and people must think that by association, he is too: my ex always uses people- even his own kids, even dragging my youngest off to gigs on a school night).
Do you know what? I will break my habit of speaking kindly and will say what I really think at this point: my ex can’t even sing. He has a horrible voice, which is either whiny or booming- never the nice in between. It is far too loud. He’s not even that much in tune. It’s only because he is such a showman. I can’t bear his voice, never could. So there! 😆
Bridget- my graceful swan approach has been my greatest strength, my armour. I can’t let it go. If I were to show any anger, he would be delighted that he is still,affecting me, it would egg him on to do more, it would be like injecting him with a happy drug! Plus, the flip side would be that he would be furious that I dared to stand up to him and berate him, and he would think up some nasty way of getting me back- probably using the children, as that is he only way in, so I can’t break my silence, even for my children’s sake. In the cold light of day I know this. I realise that my ex is a true psychopath. He has anti- social and oppositional defiant tendencies- he won’t take orders, and he tries to destroy anyone who gives him orders. He is lawless. He tries to destroy those who oppose him.
And yet, when righteous anger finally hits you, what do you do with it? I have been pounding the pavements this week with my running, which helps get rid of negative built up energy. Godschild- I think I will line up some cushions and punch them to smithereens- maybe this will help! ( I used to tell my kids to go and punch a cushion to get rid of angry feelings, when my ex used to get them so angry that they engaged in fisticuffs – courtesy of him trying to pit them against one another. Maybe I should take my own advice!)
Confused : like you, I felt no anger for ages, even when he was doing dreadful things. I just felt fear. Or I was numb. But these feelings of anger have appeared out of nowhere.
I must admit that though these angry feelings scare me, they are quite liberating. I am finally allowing myself to be angry, to feel an anger for myself. In a sense, that is showing self-care, I think.mthey mentioned anger on Pattern Changing / the Freedom course, and said anger isn’t wrong, it’s what you do with it. Well, I won’t tell him directly- simply be aye it would be like a red rag to a bull and he would up any abuse. Unfortunately, Godschild, though I am away from him physically, he can still affect my children.
Bridget: divorce brings with it its own measure of stress and abuse, but at the end if each day, when I lie in my lovely bed, I thank the universe that I am not physically living with his insane obnoxious arrogance and abuse any longer. Being physically away from him is priceless, better than winning the lottery. xxxx
2nd June 2016 at 8:20 am #18489
Thanks too, Swallow X
2nd June 2016 at 9:09 am #18493
think now is the time then for him to get a earful of u and tell him exactly what u think of him,lol u will get so much satisfaction and then just walkof dont even give him a chance to reply
2nd June 2016 at 11:28 am #18506godschildParticipant
Serenity when I thumped the cushions I ranted out loud with such emotion at him in private of course, with every hit of the cushion I spoke out loud what he had done to me and hwo I felt it was very physically tiring but did bring release to the emotions. xx
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