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    • #44569
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      Hi all,

      Today I am having panic attacks, I can’t get my breath and am shaking, crying and all over the place. I don’t know what to do with myself, can’t concentrate or think straight. Last night I was told I have no respect, no passion, no empathy, no thought for him when he was working so hard, he is working all hours but I am selfish, I am stupid, why don’t I want him, I am always moaning, I am a closed book and emotional void, never relaxed, always all over the place, how will I f’ng cope on my own with the children, I won’t be able to…all this is obviously interspersed with the usual swear words and profanities…..mostly I can take it, but today it’s all been too much x*x I am not even sure if it is him that makes me feel like this, or if it’s me being too sensitive and it’s my fault

    • #44579
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Your abuser’s verbal attack at you last night has left you feeling so bad, upset and in a state today. You were emotionally assaulted last night by his words. He doesn’t believe what he shouted at you..he just knows these words with the aggressive tone will really wound you. In fact he more than likely was talking about himself. Abusers always project what they are, unto us.

      He is telling you HE has no passion, no respect, no empathy. No thought for you when you are working so hard. He is selfish and stupid and he doesn’t want you (well he only wants your upset (then he feels powerful). He is always moaning, he is a closed book and an emotional void, never relaxed. He is talking about HIMSELF here. And he could be talking about my ex too. In fact he is describing all our abusers.

      You are not too sensitive and its not your fault. He was out to hit your jugular. He needs ‘fuel’ which he gets from your hurt, upset and panic attack. When you are low he feels powerful. When you are happy and content he will start to feel restless and he will need to lash out at you to bring you down. Then he feels powered up. Unfortunately this doesn’t last long so he needs to refuel so he’ll lash out again.

      He’ll be nice/not abusive for a while to keep you in the relationship (so he can get his ‘fuel-fix’ from you). Google the Cycle of Abuse. My bet is you were in the ‘Red-Phase’ last night with the verbal assault, that’s why you had the panic attack today and feel so bad. I remember it well. Its awful.

      We are the only ones who can stop the cycle of abuse. He likes and needs the cycle of abuse. He’ll never stop it as he needs you to be hurt, upset and beaten down and weak. He is an addict. He is addicted to Power and Control. He gets his fix at your expense. Your mind and emotions become in a mess as a result of him and your life becomes unmanageable. That’s how he wants it.

      Knowledge is Power. Keep reading and posting for support these days as you recover from him lashing out at you.

    • #44580
      KIP.
      Participant

      Its him him him. I had panic attacks and used to rush back to the house where my monster lived. And felt safe when i did. I had OCD when i left the house i had to go up the stairs six times checking a plug socket. I suffered severe depression. Couldnt leave the house. My anxiety was off the scale causing heart palpitationa and thyroid levels So high i needed medication. The doctors kept pumping me full if drugs treating the symptoms but no one treated the cause. Until i escaped and x years later, all those feelings gone. Yes, im left with PTSD but who wouldnt. All those years he called me mentally ill, delusional etc and i believed i was the cause. No. All his bullying, nagging, changing the goal posts, sudden violent outbursts, gaslighting, crazy making behaviour. Its obvious to me now but in the midst of survival mode. I just didnt see it x never ever our fault

    • #44629
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      Thank you, your words mean so much, it’s the support I need…I ended up drinking wine last night, I’ve got no tolerance for booze and but it did stop me shaking…I don’t go out, I struggle now…the last I saw friends was in March and my hands physically shake. It’s horrid. I go and see friends but take my daughter with me. Today I’ve taken the children out, on my own as he
      Had things to do – it’s the same every weekend…he does his own thing and I am on my own, with no money yet he has lunch out on his own, buys things, goes for a drink, spends money. I have none and children to look after, I moan to say I need a break he has called me names, said I’m a c**p wife, a s**t mother, useless, he has got me Sussed I ask him to explain he says no work it out you F******* self, every other word is f***! I hate swearing he doesn’t care, they are just words

    • #44630
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      It breaks my heart, he is selfish and horrid. Why does he think it’s acceptable??

    • #44631
      Lightness
      Participant

      itmustbemesurely

      No – it’s not you. The name you have chosen for yourself is what HE wants you think – but there is not an ounce of truth in it. I hope you can start to see that ‘it-is-him-not-me’

      He thinks it is acceptable because he feels entitled to treat others badly. He actually feels it is acceptable. He has no empathy. In his mind, he can do no wrong. So if he feels bad – it can’t be his fault (in his mind) – so he externalises the problem and projects all of his shortcomings onto you. He is actually telling you his flaws without realising he is doing this.

      It is mind boggling. We can try as hard as we can to understand these men but their brains are wired entirely differently to ours – we can not understand them, and they cannot understand us.

      Mine also told me I was an emotional void. Utter nonsense. He was unable to connect at a deep level to other people (attachment disorder), whereas I care about others and form real connections based on love and respect.

      As for panic attacks – I got these years before I realised I was in an abusive relationship. I had no idea why I was getting them. And like KIP, I used to (and still do actually), check check and check again that I have turned things off in the house or locked the doors. It’s so damaging living with the abusers – they end up giving THEIR anxiety to US.
      Until we go no contact – and then we can heal.

      It’s not your fault and you are not too sensitive. You are more likely to be de-sensitised.

      Lx

    • #44650
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      Thanks @lightness….it’s the build up to be honest, he said why are you so ******* stupid? I don’t put his things away because I’m told off when I get it wrong…so this morning I’m told that I should be able to put them in the right place, I’m dumb, but I say why do you constantly criticise me…it’s because there is a lot to criticise…now I’m crying struggling to breath because again he makes me feel rubbish

    • #44651
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      He woke me at 6am shouting at me to feed the cat, he was awake. Swearing at me. Nice way to wake up

    • #44656
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      Honestly all I want is someone to tell me I’m a decent person, a good human, that I’m loved not to be outdone and insulted everyday.

    • #44659
      Nova
      Participant

      Itmustbemeaurely…please know you are you a decent woman who is living with a ‘ thing’ that transfers ALL his negative c**p onto you.
      I like you & all the all ladies have experienced this explosive nightmare..and yes it does make us confused shaky shut down unable to think straight.
      It’s not you at all. I feel so angry for you..that your even in the same space as that.
      Sharing ..I was in your shoes …I ran to a train station in such a state ..one night and sat in the rain…no way out…had to go back or sleep there..when I got back he was just watching TV like nothing had happened!!…best bit ..now I am out for good ..it can happen.
      I feel your pain IMBT…try to go out try to distance yourself physically give yourself time to think..some head space is what you need and support.
      Ring WA chat it over.
      Sending you hugs.
      Cx

    • #44661
      KIP.
      Participant

      Why cant he put his won things away. Is he a cripple. I became a slave to my ex too and nothing was ever good enought. Selfish entitled moron. Yes my ex used to wake me in the early hours looming above me shouting. No wonder we suffered panic attacks. Thats a form of torture. Sleep deprivation. Ring the helpline. Speak to your GP. Do you know about the cycle of abuse?

    • #44667
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      I’m physically sick now too, can’t keep food down did that happen to anyone?

    • #44668
      KIP.
      Participant

      I think its time to talk it over with your GP. Stress can cause all sorts of dreaful reactions. And yes vomiting is one. Ring the helpline if you can. You need to get away for your symptoms to get better. I was so close to a nervous breakdown when he was arrested.

    • #44669
      Alicenotichains
      Participant

      Hello lovely lady,

      It’s not you, it never was. You are a kind and decent person. Your body is sending you a message that you need to listen to.
      My abusers stressed me out so much that I had breathing problems, palpitations stomach cramps and shingles.
      You are a good person. You need to get out of this relationship. You deserve so much better. It’s not an easy process to leave as the abuser has placed hooks carefully inside your brain which they can tug on if you try and leave but it can absolutely be done and the rewards are massive.
      It almost becomes like an exorcism but you can get this man out of your life and your life will be a million times better. Your kids dont need to see you being treated like this. Tell as many people as you can, take all the support you can and get him out of your life. Abuse always gets worse.
      All the energy that you are waiting on him, you need to redirect back at yourself. Become your own best friend, tell yourself that you deserve better and look after yourself as number 1.

      Xx

    • #44768
      itmustbemesurely
      Participant

      So how do I get out? He is making me physically ill now, I am stressed to the hilt have psoriasis that I have never had before, tension in my jaw, anxiety through the roof, I know it’s because of him and that’s it but I don’t know what to do……..I want to be happy again

      • #44778
        sensitive
        Participant

        itmustbemesurely I can imagine how you feel girl!!! he has no right to treat you like that! they have no right to treat us like that! do you have any place to go at all…family friends? did you think about getting out of him? I suffer from panic attacks because of what happened to me during the relationship.
        I don’t know if your partner physically abused you but in my case it was months of verbal and emotional torture before he finally beat me up badly. First and a last time!!!
        I know how you feel when you are close to him, tense, nervous, like you walk on eggshell???
        You don’t deserve to feel like that girl!!!
        If you don’t have any place to go maybe call WA and they can temporarily provide you with some shelter… The best would be to stay with friends and family and let them know what is happening.
        And no contact would be the best in this case. I know you are terrified and upset and maybe still love him but he will destroy you completely and you need to realize that. It will hurt when you leave but gradually it will be better and better I promise.
        I left my abusive boyfriend and I was so upset, crying, lost, broken… I kept calling him, we were talking, I let him manipulate me but at some point I said I have enough. I blocked his number, deleted all photos, everything what reminds me of him. It still hurts because I loved him so so much, like I never loved anybody before but I know I loved the image of him which I created in my head. The real him was violent, aggressive, n**********c, lost, with no respect towards me!!! So I said to myself I deserve much better and slowly slowly I’m getting there.
        And you will get there as well!!!

    • #44779
      KIP.
      Participant

      Can you contact your local womens aid? They will help you with a safety plan to leave safely. They have contacts in housing and can help with non molestation orders x ring the helpline to find your local centre x

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