This topic contains 24 replies, has 10 voices, and was last updated by  Lisa 1 month ago.

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  • #73577
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    So I told my ex to his face after the final straw (detail removed by moderator), it is over I can’t do this anymore…. he thinks we can work it out as he’s now been to the doctors and got an appointment with mind…. he’s also said (detail removed by moderator)…. but I’ve still been looking for somewhere to live, I don’t know how I’m going to afford it but I will try for my girl. I got a call today to say I can view (detail removed by moderator), soon as I put the phone down I now feel terrified I’m doing the wrong thing, I feel so panicky and anxious, I feel like I could cry at a drop of a hat, I feel so guilty for leaving knowing he has nobody to turn to, I asked my girls tonight am I doing the right thing and my eldest wants to move… so why do I feel so scared I haven’t even been offered the house but I’m fearing not getting it aswell!!! My head is hurting constantly at the moment and I don’t know which way to turn 😞

  • #73578
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Ring the helpline number on here or find your local women’s aid. You need support. He’s brainwashed and programmed you to feel Fear Obligation and Guilt. FOG. He is not your responsibility. Abuse always gets worse. You’re panicking because your gut is telling you it’s a dangerous time when trying to end an abusive relationship. These men can turn really nasty when losing control so be very careful. Don’t tell him you’re leaving. Get out safely first.

  • #73583
     ashestobeauty 
    Participant

    I know how you feel my love. We had to leave my home with 2 suitcases and our cat. A year later we have a council place, friends and furniture. It’s been a hard bumpy road to get where we are but it’s done and you CAN do it too. I didn’t think I could live without him but I can and have achieved more than I ever dreamed.
    I was an alcoholic and taking antidepressants for (detail removed by moderator) years, totally comatose and dependant on my husband. I’ve been sober and drug free  (detail removed by moderator)
    Please believe me when I say, you can do it.
    Take care. Keep talking to us. Xx

  • #73604
     Doris 
    Participant

    Hi Sunnysideup, just a quick note re the appointment with MIND. Domestic abuse is rarely a mental illness – read ‘Why Does He Do That’ by Lundy Bancroft. It is about beliefs and thinking. Attending an appointment at MIND can do absolutely nothing for behaviour issues. He will simply return home and tell you that the counsellor said he was not mentally ill and so she/he could do nothing. This will then be twisted into ‘actually she/he said I was OK’ and then it will become ‘you are the one that needs help’. Keep going – it’s hard but the DA will never improve. X

  • #73626
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    Somhes just shown his true colours again, he text me asking me to do yet something else for him which I refused and basically why should I? He’s started me calling me names regarding the weight I’ve gained this year and told me he’s putting his house up for rent by (detail removed by moderator)…. so basically he’s kicking me out, I’m now angry stressed and upset, I’m starting to get cramps in my stomach and no motivation to do anything.

  • #73630
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    so hes putting you down to upset you, hes trying to keep you in your place basically and punishing you xx could you go into refuge and find housing from there? xx you would get the right support also xx luv diymum

  • #73632
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    I don’t think because of my kids, I’m feeling dizzy now. I wanted to tell m dad today but he was busy, if I can just get the house on (detail removed by moderator) I will feel so much better I think

  • #73634
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi SSU, so he’s threatening you with being homeless, take him at his word, make your plans between now and the end of the month to get away from him. No-one should have to live with the threat of their home being taken away from them. It’s just another power and control game he’s playing. They are so bl…y predictable. You take the control back but getting your own place organised, tell him nothing of your plans. You could go into refuge, channel4, Dispatches, had a programme on recently about life inside a refuge, it takes some of the fear away of seeing what they look like from the inside and how much the women do to keep them going and the women and children safe. You can also go to your local housing and present yourself as homeless through domestic abuse. They will try their utmost to rehouse you, don’t tell them he’s giving you till the end of the month go and sit there until you get somewhere. Take back control
    my lovely. Cancel all direct debits,if any, in your name, once you know you have a new place lined up. I’d definately get in touch with WA as they can help especially as leaving,things can escalate. Make sure he had no access to online banking or Amazon accounts,Netflix etc etc, start now by changing passwords, it gives you something positive to do and occupy your mind. Write a list of things to do for moving home, which you would do under normal circumstances. Can you go no contact or grey rock just now. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,. Womens aid are very aware of how controlling these men are even when it looks like we make the decisions so they’ll never force you to do anything you’re not ready for. We’re always here to listen to you and to have your back, giving practical advice and anything else you need.
    Best wishes
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #73647
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    Thank you I really am just worrying about the whole thing, if I get this place (detail removed by moderator) then I know I can start again and me and my children can be happy. I need to know he’ll pay back everything he has bored so need to talk to a solicitor, everything comes down to money. The person that has ruined my life is getting away with it and keeping his house, I now have nothing again and a huge debt. I just can’t work out what I do wrong to keep being treated like this

  • #73655
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    You didn’t do anything wrong he sought you out seeing that you were a good kind person xx I must admit when everything gets thrown at us we do hold our hands up and say why me! And sometimes why me again xx the wrong people pursued us for all the wrong reasons. You’ll get there at least now you will have a life free from abuse xx luv diymum.

  • #73671
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    Thank you for your advice, Im not feeling very well at all at the moment, he came in to my room (detail removed by moderator)  and started swearing at me in front of my daughter which literally made me break down in front of her. I am seeing my friend (detail removed by moderator) who has offered me and my girls a room so we can get out and think about our next steps rather than feel pressured, Im going to make an appointment at the doctors too as Im in pain Im sure its stressed but better check

  • #73674
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Emotional abuse has a huge effect on our limbic system – I only just learned that today that’s why stress causes physical symptoms xx I have a long term painful condition now xx it’s c**p tbh

    It sounds like the best way forward is for you both to be out of his reach. All of this does affect our health and well being xx I hope this settles and look after yourselves 💕💕💪 put you and your daughters life’s back together you both deserve alot more than this, stay strong xxxx much love diymum xx

    • #73678
       sunnysideup 
      Participant

      Thank you so much, seems like the light of the tunnel is till a long way off yet

  • #73681
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Ssu, the light may seem a long way off but you’re seeing it now. You can do this my love. It’s international women’s day tomorrow, we are doing this for every women who’s been abused, is being abused and will keep on being abused until society starts to recognise, accept and make the changes needed to eradicate it. Keep your head down, not long to go love.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #73697
     Cheesequeen 
    Participant

    I just want to wish you the best of luck with your move and hope you feel safe soon. It sounds like you are close but it is so hard to make that final move. You totally deserve it and he doesn’t deserve you. Good luck! Xx

  • #73752
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    Thank you, I just need to know if I can have the house me and my girls have put our hopes on.

  • #73765
     EbonyRaven 
    Participant

    I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you. If this one doesn’t work out though, there will be others. You should seriously consider your friend’s kind offer too.

  • #73828
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    I didn’t get the house, obviously wasn’t meant to be, feel
    Quite deflated today

  • #73840
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Ssh, I’m sorry to hear this. The best way to look at it is that it probsbly want right fir you for a really good reason. It may have had damp, needed repairs that the landlord would never get round to doing, out any number of reasons. The next one will have your name on it. Visualise where you’d like your house, picture yourself getting the keys and moving in. Cut out pictures and make a mood board. This helps bring positive energy to you and hopefully a place of your own sooner than you’ll realise. I know it sounds airy fairy, but I believe in the laws of attraction. It’s time I did the same for me.🏡🚘🎷
    IWMB 💞💞

  • #73841
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Sorry that should have said Ssu not Ssh

  • #73855
     Flowerchild 
    Participant

    There will be another house, Sunny! And by threatening to rent the house out and make you homeless, you have the perfect justification for moving on, don’t you?

    He probably said it to scare you into submission. He hopes you’ll think, ‘Oh, I’d better do exactly as he says and hope he lets us stay,’ when actually it’s making you think you need to find somewhere else to live where nobody can threaten your security every time you dare to have a thought of your own!

    Good luck with the house hunt. You’ll probably feel so much calmer when you have your own place you may not even need medication to cope once you’ve left all the stress and turmoil he’s generating. Think of it as stepping into another room, closing the door and all the noise just stopping. Aaaaah.

    Flower x

  • #74388
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    I still havent managed to get anywhere to live, I’m feeling very down and lonely today as my girls have gone to their Dads and I am stuck in my bedroom, I want to be pottering round a little bath, taking a nice bath or doing some cooking or gardening….but I cant do any of those things….I feel like my life is just wasted no matter how hard I try to get out

    • #74392
       Cheesequeen 
      Participant

      I’m so sorry you didn’t get the house. It’s ok to feel sad and have a little time to mourn while things are bad. It hurts a lot and there is no escaping it sometimes. It will pass though and things will definitely get better.
      Hope you feel better soon 💜

  • #74448
     sunnysideup 
    Participant

    I have lost everything, I feel so lonley and sad I just dont want to live anymore. My life is worthless

  • #74465
     Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Sunnysideup

    I just wanted to show you some support, i can hear how much you are struggling at the moment and it is stressful trying to find somewhere to live. You can always call the helpline on 0808 2000 247 to look at your options, maybe refuge is an option to explore. You can also contact the samaritans anytime on 116 123.
    Try to take each day as it comes and know that things will get better in time.

    We are here for you

    Take care and keep posting

    Lisa

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