Viewing 6 reply threads
  • Author
    Posts
    • #132571
      LovingLife
      Participant

      It’s been a while that I posted here. Have been busy working on a safe exit plan for me and the kid(s) . I have stored important items in safe places. We left for a trip without my partner. It seems a prime opportunity to leave and let them know we don’t come back. Yet I feel paralysed to say it.

      We are in daily contact for the kid(s). I feel better outside of these conversations. I noticed changes in my partner; they have taken some action on things they spoke about for months. It is a positive sign. My gut feeling is still dread when I think about returning. I wouldn’t miss them if we didn’t call every day. There is nothing obviously abusive at the moment which is why I feel paralysed and question if I only imagined things.

      There are also questions running through my mind: How do you co-parent with an abusive ex? How do you recover when you need to stay in contact? Is it fair on children to keep them away from one parent for some time?

    • #132583
      KIP.
      Participant

      It’s fair to keep your children away from a domestic abuser who is teaching them that it is normal behaviour to abuse. Google the cycle of abuse. That’s all that’s happening here. He’s making an effort purely to hook you back into the cycle then it all begins again and you’re back in the abusive part very quickly. Can you use a third party for contact? Start writing down all the abusive incidents. And remember he chooses to abuse you and your children because a stressed traumatised unhappy mum is all that your children will see and learn from.

    • #132584
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Maybe the question you need to ask is “Is it fair to raise your children in an abusive relationship?” Children are affected by abuse. Many will go on to abusive relationships themselves, either as an abuser or as a victim of abuse. As adults, they model the behaviour that they have witnessed growing up; that is their normal and they don’t know any different.

      If you’ve posted before, try looking back over your previous posts. If you have kept a record of the abuse anywhere, revisit the record.

      My (damaged) children were young adults when I left so I can’t help with co-parenting. I can tell you that it will be difficult for you to recover whilst you are still in contact with him. He will use any contact you have to try and manipulate you.

      As KIP said, if you can get a 3rd party as a go-between for childcare then please do.

    • #132617
      LovingLife
      Participant

      Thank you so much for your advice! I have kept an abuse journal for a few months. I notice the little one(s) bring more relaxed and content despite being in an unfamiliar environment with strangers. They still love their other parent due to their age and development. I want to get out before any lasting damage is done.

      Now the question is how to let my partner know that I don’t want to come back to them.

    • #132619
      Workingonit
      Participant

      Hi, you’re doing the right thing for you and the kids remember that. I had so many opportunities to leave but always talked myself out of it. I slept on it too many times knowing he looked nicer in the morning and the ifs and whys are so complicated and it’s easier just to stay. But the relief when it’s finally done, and you’ve left, or he’s gone is better than all of the worry and anxiety. It won’t be easy afterwards and things will always get messy before they are OK. But you can do this. You can. You are worth more and deserve more. And so do the kids. Good luck to you lady

    • #132895
      Kitkat44
      Participant

      Hi there,
      I have the opportunity to go too, my parents are willing and ready to help me pay for somewhere. My children are older and I’m torn as to leave where I am and pull them out of school and staying nearby so they can continue with school but I will not have any of my family nearby to support me.
      The thought of telling him we’ve gone feels to really hard
      Sending love xx

    • #132897
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Lovinglife,

      I’m not sure what your plans are when you get back.

      If you don’t plan to return to the house at all then maybe send your partner a letter?

Viewing 6 reply threads
  • You must be logged in to reply to this topic.

© 2015 Women's Aid Federation of England – Women’s Aid is a company limited by guarantee registered in England No: 3171880.

Women’s Aid is a registered charity in England No. 1054154

Terms & conditionsPrivacy & cookie policySite mapProtect yourself onlineMedia │ JobsAccessibility Guide

Log in with your credentials

or    

Forgot your details?

Create Account

Skip to content