7th June 2021 at 4:30 pm #126816CatjamParticipant
I have been out a short time, I have spoken to him (detail removed by Moderator) times. Each time he declares his love, cries, tells me how he can’t live without me and so on. He is having counselling and wants me to join but I refuse. He is making me feel really bad for his well being. He is getting sent home from work because of it. But then he told me before I left his boss was paying for a counsellor but now he says he is paying for it himself.
My eldest is really angry with me for leaving. Not just because of the state her dad is in but because suddenly her life is not her own as she is either on the phone with him or with him.
I have found out she has managed to obtain documents regarding my finances and has also accused me of stealing from him. I am worried that my information is no longer safe and angry that she feels she has the right to do this.
Not only have I walked away from my home of decades and left everything behind but clearly I have lost her too. I have little support and I don’t want to put on those who are there as they have done so much already.
I am worse now than when I left. I find myself thinking I should just go back as it makes my kids lives easier. They are all grown up but struggling with it all.
7th June 2021 at 7:10 pm #126822KIP.Participant
Abusers are liars and manipulators. He’s crying and putting on a show but he’s in control and knows exactly what he’s doing. Going back will simply prolong the abuse and when you leave next time it will be even more difficult.
7th June 2021 at 7:32 pm #126824LottieblueParticipant
Catjam, I am struggling to express myself well these days. I keep trying to respond to people but running out of steam without feeling that I’m able to say what I want to say.
However, I do want to sympathise, empathise. On many levels. I am far from having sorted myself out, but I do feel myself moving in the right direction. One thing I want to say is please don’t go back. I have been where you are, felt what you’ve felt, still do sometimes. My “children” are also wasting way too much time speaking with their father and being with him, to try to stop him from being “so sad”. I fear that my daughter is wrecking her life, spending her university holidays pandering to him instead of gaining work experience.
But she and I still have a good relationship and I know I have to play a long game. In a year or two they will settle into our “new normal” and they will see how happy I can be. I think they are already seeing a change in me.
Remember you have us here, you have me. Please PM me if you’d like to. I, too, walked away from everything. I am lucky to have two friends who are infinitely there, but I also go back and back and back to those core books (I know you know which ones) and I listen a lot to the “Love and Abuse” podcast and they give me SO much strength.
Also, have you tried finding a Freedom Programme? I did one online, which then led to a “Toolkit for Life” with the same group, which finishes next week but has been a complete life saver. The same group operates a drop-in once a week which I will continue with – they are so wonderful and so supportive and they know what you are going through.
The Toolkit deals with things such as rights and responsibilities, boundaries, assertiveness, dealing with guilt, etc. It’s brilliant.
Please, please PM if you’d like to. Get strength from wherever you can.
7th June 2021 at 9:27 pm #126834CatjamParticipant
Thank you. I have done the freedom programme but a while ago. I haven’t heard of the tool kit thing though.
My day got a lot worse as my youngest daughter rang me but was clearly trying to get her ex boyfriend to let her out of his flat. It was awful. The phone went dead then she rang me back still crying and begging to be let out. I rang the police but because I didn’t know his address I couldn’t tell them where she was. Thankfully he let her go and she is home safe but it was terrifying.
I think I need to get proper help as the tears just won’t stop.
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