Parenting after abuse

[RosyFoxglove]

Hi

I am new on here so sorry if I am repeating old material.

I left my ex (detail removed by moderator) with my (detail removed by moderator) kids. Life has been pretty good since we left, I have built us up from a rock bottom place and am proud of what I have achieved.

However, parenting has been difficult and I definitely have questions that perhaps only others who have been through it can answer.

Firstly, I find it hard to shake the fear that my (detail removed by moderator) will turn out like their dad. I swing from being very lenient and gentle (which is how I was when I was with their dad, because I always had to keep them quiet and not tantrumming, plus he undermined any attempts I did at discipline anyway. He also insisted on being the disciplinarian in the house).

Now I am the only parent I am very unsure of the boundaries. I am very aware that my personal boundaries are s**t, and that I am way more tolerant than a “normal” person. I feel like the (detail removed by moderator) I spent with their dad eroded my sense of self so much that I hardly know that I am angry or upset until it’s too late and I am melting down. I really struggle with getting the balance between letting the kids walk all over me, and being too touchy because I am triggered. So sometimes I let them get away with murder, other times I crack down at the slightest rudeness or entitled behaviour.

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this? I worry that I am getting it wrong. My sons both picked up a lot of their fathers aggression and it’s there all the time. I want to know what they need from me. Is it gentleness, understanding and endless love? Or does that just play into the potentially abusive streak that they both possess? Do they need someone to enforce the rules and to nip the potential abusiveness in the bud? Or do I lead by the example of endless patience and lovingness? It’s really hard!

I feel partly the reason my ex was so entitled and abusive is because his mother is endlessly indulgent towards him, puts up with all his s**t,until she snaps. And then he plays the victim and she’s a monster and a s**t mother etc etc! I was then cast in that role too. And I don’t want to repeat the pattern with my own boys. I don’t want them to walk all over me but at the same time I struggle with feeling harsh when I set the boundaries.

Sorry for the huge ramble but this has all been on my mind for a long time and I wonder if anyone has had similar experiences?

[Kitkat44]

Hello! I’m still with my husband who can be horrid but at present is ok (slight blip today but not as bad as previous) we’ll done for getting away.
I’ve been learning so much about how brains develop over the last couple of years hence I realised myself and children are in this emotionally abusive mess.
I’m no expert but believe from all I’ve read, listened to that Children always need kindness, compassion and you can’t love them too much.
I love listening to Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson and Bryan Post (specifically regarding adopted children but if ours have suffered from domestic abuse they will be traumatised so much applies) they’ve written books and are on YouTube. Oh also Beacon House website has lots of info.
I have one son who is clashing most with his dad and he also is very aggressive-flicks into fight mode. My husband doesn’t believe he is scared of him because he stands up for himself, I’ve explained how his brain has developed to him and why he reacts to things the way he does-sometimes he takes it on board sometimes not-he’s (detail removed by moderator)!
Anyway hope there’s some info there for you. I hope to be free sometime soon, this forum is fabulous!
Xx

[RosyFoxglove]

Hi iwantmeback and thank you for responding to me! I think those are good suggestions, it’s difficult to get them to listen to me because I am not good with sticking to rules and boundaries I must admit. I know that I can’t blame my ex for everything and some of this is just my character, I am not very authoritarian or rule oriented in general! But he also undermined any rules I made when they were little and slowly just eroded my parenting until really I was of equal status to the children in the household. So to my children it must be wierd that I am now somehow in control whereas it used to be totally him in control and me just a complete mess.
Sadly, they are trained to respond only to threats and shouting. I try and avoid this because I don’t want to be like him, I want to provide a contrast to him. But because they are in a sense so resilient and hardened because of him, they don’t stop bad behaviour unless I shout and/or do removal of privelaged eg, parties or screen time.

I don’t want to parent like that, I want to be a compassionate calm mum, and most of the time I am. But after 59 times of sweetly asking and reasoning, talking about feelings and offering rewards and getting nowhere, I must admit I sometimes snap. Especially at the end of the day. I have a large family and as you know being a single mum is exhausting even without any abuse experience. When they are still not in bed at 10pm, which at their ages is way too late, I do sometimes snap and shout or issue threats. And I feel like I am straying into dangerous waters when I do that because I don’t want to remind them of their dad or fall into the trap that seems to have been set for me, in that they only seem to respond to harsh parenting and that is the opposite of my intention! Plus I feel like any shouting or using threats (usually removal of screen time) sets a really bad tone in the home and then encourages more shouty behaviour from them in the long run! It’s all so confusing!

[RosyFoxglove]

God kitkat44 you are an amazing woman if you are managing to put this much thought and even research into your parenting whilst you are still with your (hopefully soon to be) ex. Shall I just call him that 😂 as he clearly deserves to be!
I had absolutely no reserves left to question any of my choices when I was still with him. It was just survival mode, all day every day. And so actually I missed the boat on a lot of key milestones with particularly my third child. I never said no to him because at that time there could be no tantrums in the house that would attract negative attention. I never taught him independence either and just blindly did everything for him like a baby even though he was school age by the time we left. So in many ways he has been held back by the situation and he is the one who causes me a lot of concern and the dynamic with his older brother can sometimes be abusive and bullying.
So absolutely hats off to you that you have really worked out what’s going on with your kids and are laying the groundwork now. When you do leave you will all be much better prepared for life after the ex!

[Anonymous]

Hi,

They need boundaries, ones that are consistent and don’t move. They need love and all the other stuff too but if they have aggressive tendencies then boundaries and learning about respect etc will be key.
I can say that they get worse as they get older and you are quite right the more a child is indulged the more entitled they feel.
I have a son who is abusive to his girlfriend’s me and anyone else he can get away with. I tried everything but I lack boundaries and still do because I was taught to put up and shut up. So for him it was nature and nurture combined that turned him into a now abusive adult.
Its hard work parenting after abuse, we dont always get it right but you have time to turn this around xx

[RosyFoxglove]

Hi questioningmyself
Thanks for responding. It’s so nice to hear from people who understand the issues. I find that regular parenting advice just doesn’t make sense when you’ve had abuse in the family.

I feel for you, what’s happening with your son. To be honest I sometimes really fear that this is what my future will look like too. Did you get any help with him from school or counselling? I guess now he’s an adult it’s a whole different kettle of fish isn’t it? Do you think he will change? What would change him?

With both my boys I see signs of the aggression and entitlement, one son in particular. He’s lovely as long as you are live bombing him. The perfect sweet child. But when the focus goes off him (which it inevitably does, there are (removed by moderator) other siblings and life!) he turns nasty and can be destructive. Very often deliberately sabotaging and destroying his siblings property and sometimes mine. I do worry for his future, because his dad is like this too. As long as he’s the centre of attention he is delightful. As soon as you want a moment for yourself or someone else all hell lets loose.

I don’t know what to do to stop it. As you say boundaries are key but he very often doesn’t care about my boundaries. I can remove screen time but he just says he doesn’t care!

I can tell him we won’t go to such and such a place or we are cancelling a play date and he just doesn’t care. So I inevitably revert to love bombing him instead and I fear that this is just fuelling the fire. I also am guilty of constantly appeasing him as we go through the day, so I can avoid any conflict to start with thus eliminating the need for any tricky discipline or telling off situation. But I know this is wrong, it’s just the same pattern I had with his dad playing out all over again. Keep him happy and don’t do anything to rattle him and all will be well. Plus this causes massive resentment from his brother who is a much more placid and reasonable character in general and who I say no to much more often (because he can handle it!). But I have noticed since lockdown that the reasonable brother is also becoming aggressive because he’s so frustrated with the way we constantly mollycoddle the angry one!

[Iwantmeback]

Children need love and compassion but most of all need boundaries and consequences that incur when they push those boundaries. Could you get them altogether, recognise you are all learning how to be with each other but there have to be ground rules. Get them in on the making of the ground rules, it’ll surprise you. At the end of the day you’re the manager of this team. Do they like sports, if so approach it like a team sport. There also has to be rewards to, for kindness to each other, for tidying up when asked. They can keep their bedrooms in a mess so long as they tidy up communal spaces, if they share bedrooms and one is tidy and the other isn’t,find out where compromises can be made, is it the empty dirty plates, mugs that grate. You’ll find your way, it’ll take time, in the end your preparing them to being in the workplace, no boss will allow slovenly behaviour.
Good luck and well done in getting away. 💞💞

[RosyFoxglove]

Hi iwantmeback and thank you for responding to me! I think those are good suggestions, it’s difficult to get them to listen to me because I am not good with sticking to rules and boundaries I must admit. I know that I can’t blame my ex for everything and some of this is just my character, I am not very authoritarian or rule oriented in general! But he also undermined any rules I made when they were little and slowly just eroded my parenting until really I was of equal status to the children in the household. So to my children it must be wierd that I am now somehow in control whereas it used to be totally him in control and me just a complete mess.
Sadly, they are trained to respond only to threats and shouting. I try and avoid this because I don’t want to be like him, I want to provide a contrast to him. But because they are in a sense so resilient and hardened because of him, they don’t stop bad behaviour unless I shout and/or do removal of privelaged eg, parties or screen time.

I don’t want to parent like that, I want to be a compassionate calm mum, and most of the time I am. But after 59 times of sweetly asking and reasoning, talking about feelings and offering rewards and getting nowhere, I must admit I sometimes snap. Especially at the end of the day. I have a large family and as you know being a single mum is exhausting even without any abuse experience. When they are still not in bed at 10pm, which at their ages is way too late, I do sometimes snap and shout or issue threats. And I feel like I am straying into dangerous waters when I do that because I don’t want to remind them of their dad or fall into the trap that seems to have been set for me, in that they only seem to respond to harsh parenting and that is the opposite of my intention! Plus I feel like any shouting or using threats (usually removal of screen time) sets a really bad tone in the home and then encourages more shouty behaviour from them in the long run! It’s all so confusing!

[RosyFoxglove]

Hi questioningmyself

Thanks for responding. It’s so nice to hear from people who understand the issues. I find that regular parenting advice just doesn’t make sense when you’ve had abuse in the family.

I feel for you, what’s happening with your son. To be honest I sometimes really fear that this is what my future will look like too. Did you get any help with him from school or counselling? I guess now he’s an adult it’s a whole different kettle of fish isn’t it? Do you think he will change? What would change him?

With both my boys I see signs of the aggression and entitlement, one son in particular. He’s lovely as long as you are live bombing him. The perfect sweet child. But when the focus goes off him (which it inevitably does, there are (removed by moderator) other siblings and life!) he turns nasty and can be destructive. Very often deliberately sabotaging and destroying his siblings property and sometimes mine. I do worry for his future, because his dad is like this too. As long as he’s the centre of attention he is delightful. As soon as you want a moment for yourself or someone else all hell lets loose.

I don’t know what to do to stop it. As you say boundaries are key but he very often doesn’t care about my boundaries. I can remove screen time but he just says he doesn’t care!

I can tell him we won’t go to such and such a place or we are cancelling a play date and he just doesn’t care. So I inevitably revert to love bombing him instead and I fear that this is just fuelling the fire. I also am guilty of constantly appeasing him as we go through the day, so I can avoid any conflict to start with thus eliminating the need for any tricky discipline or telling off situation. But I know this is wrong, it’s just the same pattern I had with his dad playing out all over again. Keep him happy and don’t do anything to rattle him and all will be well. Plus this causes massive resentment from his brother who is a much more placid and reasonable character in general and who I say no to much more often (because he can handle it!). But I have noticed since lockdown that the reasonable brother is also becoming aggressive because he’s so frustrated with the way we constantly mollycoddle the angry one!

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