- This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 11 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
Have had a bad day today various reasons to do with the children, very challenging so being a mum and worrying etc etc feeling down i was wanting husband to come home needed a hug, things have been better for a week or so between us
He walks in an I rattled off my thoughts feelings, he got fed up and said something about how had his day gone. I felt a bit bad but taken aback by his lack of empathy
As we talked he got frustrated and he started tidying as I was behind on housework but this wasn’t feeling supportive it was like he didn’t know how to act.
He went to speak to one of the kids about (detail removed by moderator), he then tried to talk about it with them some more going over the top and making things worse. My child has said that if I wasn’t as supportive as I am they wouldn’t be here anymore (they’ve battled feelings of suicide for several years)
He went sat down and I held back my tears, no hug that I needed. He then is back and says what do I need to be crying for? The problems I have atm are fairly challenging and long story short I need to let it out. But this didn’t feel good. My child then says when dad came into them to talk about (detail removed by moderator) they just knew his mood and anxiety started to cause palpitations. My child has mental health difficulties and autistic so I wonder sometimes is it my child’s perspective of their dad which is unclear due to their difficulties as they do feel very insecure about everyone and think everyone is annoyed with them, teachers, family etc
So I’m wondering is he just not getting it as a parent, or is he right being tuff is the right way? As my parents say I’m too soft with kids, but surely kids shouldn’t feel anxious or am I over sensitive?
I grew up feeling this way with Victorian parents who didn’t understand and I’ve tried to be the opposite so I’m questioning my parenting.
My parents say kids have me around little finger.
Feeling spun out and confused,
-
HI there sweetheart,
That sounds so very awful – sending you the hug that you need. The thing about being down, feeling sad, having an off-day, no matter the occasion, if we are close to tears or crying the response should be comfort from those who claim to love us the most. The question your husband asked can be asked, but do it so in a caring way, perhaps after a nice big hug. It makes a difference how we are comforted.
When he starts talking about his day offering no support for yours… I know how dismissed you must have felt. I was lucky if I got 60 seconds to talk about my day with my ex. He could spend hours where I would be required to look at him while he spoke. During my 60 seconds, he would be allowed to play his games and look at his phone – sometimes he would be zooming in on other women’s cleavages while I was talking about my day and then I’d be yelled at for being controlling by having looked over at his phone. I would sometimes say that he did not care for me, for my job or the experiences I had at work, to which he’d call me boring. Funny how he took away my friends, my hobbys, how I used to dress, anything that made me me, and then he calls me boring. I can’t say if it is because your husband doesn’t know how to show care towards you or if it is because he is like my ex and simply didn’t care and would use everything to further his abuse. What I can say is that it’s an awful way to be treated no matter the reasons why.
You sound like such an amazing mother. Listen to your child. Throughout their own struggles they have it in them to tell you how important your support has been to them. Hold on to that.
Sending you plenty of hugs
-
Hi CB, I too am sending you a big hug.I hope my reply doesn’t make you feel any worse, it’s not intended in that way.
Men have no idea how much one of their hugs is enough to take all the cares and stresses of the day away, a hug can mean so much more than a thousand words🤗 Firstly,you are doing right by your children. You’re not being soft, children should not ever have to feel anxious. To me, an autistic child obviously, as you know only too well, sees the world differently, but your child’s take on their dad’s moods, their perceptions are so much more clearer than ours, they see things so much differently than we do, so if your child is saying they know dad’s moods, I’d listen to them. It’s the same with dogs, they have so many sensations in their noses, they pick up on our moods so easily, that’s how they react to us and our moods, it’s what helps them survive in this world. I know this doesn’t help,and please don’t think I’m being condescending, but men AREN’T designed the same as us, fir him to come home and you to go on at him about your day, he has felt under attack, they really do not know how to empathise, so he’s reacted in the only way he knows by talking about his day, because it is more important to him, because that’s the way they are. You were right in saying it was like he didn’t know how to act, when he started tidying, I think that was his cackhanded way of trying to be helpful, which you’ve maybe taken as a slight, because you felt you were behind with the housework, and maybe also to try and keep the momentum going between the both of you, you said at the beginning that things have been better for a week or so. See where housework is concerned, it can go hang, I never cared when my children were younger if it got done, great, if it didn’t, I’d get it done sometime. when i took up with my oh, if he went on about it not being done, at first i made an effort to do it, but then I didn’t. It was my way of rebelling against his bossiness. Your job is beneath his, it’s women’s work. He doesn’t see it as any where near as important as his. Now I’m in no way saying stroke his ego, make his life and his worries more important than yours, don’t, you’re both equals and should be treated as such. Men just see themselves as more equal. He also doesn’t sound very in tune with your children’s needs and as an autistic child, doesn’t or can’t accept they are different and as such need different ways of talking to, one size fits all, so to speak. You are not being overly sensitive, your parents lived in a different era, their ways of parenting, you’ve decided you want to do it differently, more compassionately (?) . My mum too was brought up in Victorian ways, children should be seen and not heard… that’s what she did with us and to an extent so did I, but I did do it a bit differently. We do what’s right fir us and our children. Unless what we’re doing is detrimental to our child’s life, then bring them up how you see fit, all a child needs is warmth, comfort(heat,food) and love, did I say food😄 and that’s it, everything else is window dressing. If you felt certain aspects of your childhood were too strict, I’m sure, like me, you didn’t want to replicate them. Children need guidance and boundaries, they need to feel they are doing it right, and that’s hard because how the hell do we do that, when we don’t know what we’re doing sometimes😏 Never question your parenting, you are doing what’s right fir you and your children, yes it’s okay to take advice but you don’t need to take it. Maybe try some on for size, but just because someone’s given you advice doesn’t mean you have to listen to it. Use what you want from it and let the rest go. Everyone is full of advice, tips, whatever. Sometimes it is helpful, sometimes it can make a bad situation worse. Trust your own judgement, it sounds as if your oh doesn’t know how to be supportive, too wrapped up in his world. Being tough is never the way, yes there’s are times you have to be ‘stricter’, but that doesn’t mean you’ve to be tough on them. Children need to ken no means no, you’re not doing it to hurt them. Can you imagine if a child got everything they wanted, they’d never hold down a job when they got older, they’d never be in a relationship because no person wants to be with someone so entitled, such hard work.
Chocolatebunny, you are a great mum, you just need someone to tell you this now and again. I hope my post hasn’t offended you or made you feel any worse, that was NEVER my intention. You are dealing with so much, you’ll find your enough is enough moment too.
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
sometimes we end up going round in circles in family dynamics like swimming round in a gold fish bowl and thats really frustrating for you guys xx im not sure how much your husband has read around autism but this might help him be a little more likely to problem solve abit better, hope that dosent sound condecending 🙂
you do sound like your kids rock and thats exactly what they need what hes telling you is he can count on you an that in itself will be more than enough to get through this i believe. it sounds like his parenting isnt working so it might be time to ask him about a plan b – trying to solve the problems with the kids together eg tidying up behind themselves and then at the end of the week they get rewarded in pocket money or a family day out? doing the chores as a team might be the answer – it might also trigger them off then its time to look at another avenue – i think we forget sometimes to talk to each other – to say to kids tell me why you feel like this? what can we do to make this better for you. when we ask these questions sometimes were shocked its not what we expected at all. i dont know your husband but would he be happy to adapt is parenting if it meant a calmer atmosphere. id also ask him to meet your needs and that a cuddle when he comes home from work wouldnt go wrong and would help to bolster you up xx its always worth a try . we had a family meeting recently and everything seems to be calm and weve actually managed to get all of our points over – were going to try to communicate a little better and so far it seems to be ok x*x love diymum x
-
Don’t doubt yourself, CB. You sound like a great mum – after all, your child has told you they would not still be here if it weren’t for you! Hang on to that powerful validation when others carp or criticise.
Families are bad for this sometimes. Everyone feels they can pile in to criticise your parenting so it feels as if you can’t do right for doing wrong. You are the parent doing the job, though, not them!
It is perfectly reasonable to expect a hug and a sympathetic listening ear when a partner comes home, but it sounds as if both of you needed it at once.
They don’t call that homecoming time “cactus hour” for nothing!
When we had three demanding teens in the house, we discussed this difficult time of the day and built a new routine. We committed 20 minutes to just being together, unwinding over a cuppa made by whoever got in first. The kids had to give us that time uninterrupted, and we both got listened to and hugged by each other. Any talk of housework or tidiness was banned! It kept him from having a go at the kids, too.
My OH was working hard to change his abusive habits and agreeing this plan was a big positive step. It did calm things right down. We used to go into the little conservatory, even in winter, and shut the door. The kids weren’t told no, they were told not yet. Wait till we’re finished here – you have the rest of the house!
I think everyone benefitted.
It started from a recognition that we had a prickly time of day and what we could do to help each other ease the transition from work to home. Might it be worth a try?
Flower x
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
