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    • #77147
      pasta
      Participant

      Me and my boyfriend had an argument. He was raising his voice at me in public which I hate as I am really noise sensitive and I just don’t like it. But I wouldn’t drop the subject either.

      When we got home he wouldn’t speak to me really and he was still really wound up but then I kept trying to talk to him to sort it out when I should have let him cool off. But I wanted everything to be fine.

      He went out and I put the door on the latch which he head as he was just outside and I went and sat down and the her thought I was trying to lock him out. So he started battering the door own an had broken the part of the door where the chain goes before I could get back.

      This really scare me. He said he did it because he thought I was letting him back in but I just ten to put the chain on the door when I know I am gonna be home alone and he would be gone for a bit.

      Everything is okay now but I just wondered what other people’s perspectives might be. I’ve been in a bad relationship before but then I kind of think this is my fault because I didn’t let him cool own and he did think I locked him out maliciously but then I think it is crazy he broke the door.

    • #77149
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      My oh broke a door in half years ago, said it was because my daughter wound him up. He literally broke it in half with ONE punch. I’ve lived with abuse for over 2decades. Ignore this at your peril.
      IWMB đź’žđź’ž

    • #77152
      pasta
      Participant

      I feel like I should clarify that it wasn’t the actual door that it broken well not really but the side panel it connects to where you put the chain. If that makes sense

    • #77155
      KIP.
      Participant

      There is no excuse for domestic abuse and this is domestic abuse. It’s designed to scare you, so that you’re kept in a state of fear. Intolerance to noise can also be a sign of hyper vigilance often experienced by domestic abuse sufferers. Please ring the helpline number on here and find your local women’s aid. It doesn’t matter what you did or said, he chooses to behave this way which is unacceptable and illegal. Do not blame yourself for his behaviour. That is his responsibility not to be violent. It will only get worse. Please seek out some help x

      • #89203
        HunkyDory
        Participant

        Wow KIP, that’s really interesting- I am quite noise sensitive as well. He used to call his mates on skype and whilst he had a naturally booming (..) voice anyway, I was forever asking him to tone it down, especially when I was trying to sleep, which p*ssed him off immensely. Good to know this was linked to the ongoing abuse. Thanks xx
        Edit: although strangely when he was talking to one of his many women he was quiet as a mouse)x

    • #77157
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Hi there,

      Broken is broken, dear. Most people would probably have called out and asked “hey, can I come in or?” before assuming the worst. We’re human, we can forget things, it can be unintentional. My ex punched a door within the first weeks I was with him. It wasn’t long after that that I was the one getting punched for years. I certainly see this as a warning sign.

      People argue, it can get heated and sure enough we all might need to cool off every now and again but there are ways to do so, clearly he wasn’t very cooled off when he got back to the door if he had to hit it / its surroundings. I also find that if you can’t disguss a topic however much you may disagree with one another, surely you should be able to do so without needing to cool off and reach the consensus of agreeing to disagree respectfully. My ex was the same with this; if I argued back I would get a snidey comment and then the silent treatment where he would literally keep his back to me all the time. If I left him to cool off, I was being insensitive and uncaring. If I didn’t leave him to cool off, I was being aggressive and in his face. Can’t win.

      I would be concerned for his behaviour. Has something similar happened before? Are there other things he does that make you feel bad or uneasy?

      • #77163
        pasta
        Participant

        I don’t want to pack in a relationship though if it just was a mistake. I’m really confused.

        he has blown up at me before but when he says I had got in his space and he wasn’t feeling well or I wasn’t respecting his boundaries kind of thing

        whwnever I tries to ring the helpline in my ast relatiosnhio no one ever answered so I gave up home tbh

    • #77158
      pasta
      Participant

      I think I am hyper vigilent to noise from my ex who was abusive but I don’t neccesarilly think my current partner is. I kind of thought people would say that I should have left him alone not wind him up. and I don’t think he would have broken the door if he hadn’t have thought I was locking him out. I don’t think he would hurt me.

      Like I;m not trying to excuse his behaviour but do you think sometimes there is an explanation and a misunderstanding

    • #77165
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      I am sorry if my post came across as saying you should end your relationship, pasta. You are the only one who can make that decision and it was not my intention to make it sound like you should. It does worry me to read these signs as those were the red flags I wish I had picked up on in my last relationship before I got so messed up in the head and couldn’t see straight and actually thought everything was my fault, that I had been in his face, I had shouted back, I had left him alone, I had been upset etc etc etc. All justifications for his abuse. And the ones you are describing sound a lot like red flags to me. And I am sorry, but a broken doorframe the way you described it doesn’t sound like a misunderstanding or a mistake… But it is still your choice if you want to end the relationship or not, so I apologise if it came across wrong in my previous post.

      Sometimes the helpline can be busy but you can leave a voicemail when that happens and ask them to call you back at a certain time where it suits you. They are very helpful, even if you do not want to leave your relationship, they can still talk with you about the concerns you may have or any help you might feel you need.

      • #77167
        pasta
        Participant

        sorry, I didn’t mean to come off like i’m offended. I think im just quite tried an confused and overwhelmed so i’m going to take a little bit to digest what people have sai and then I can respond properly. thank you so much for your advice x

    • #77171
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi pasta,
      Tired and confused go with the territory. It’s so hard to think never mind accept our oh is being abusive isn’t it. Have you tried writing down a list of what he says and does and ask yourself if someone you know and cared about was being treated this way, how would you advise them. It’s only recently I’ve been reading the advice I’ve been giving others and actually really listening to it as if someone was talking directly to me. This has taken months to get to that realisation. If you can’t get through on the helpline try your local WA. I found mine when I first put in women’s aid in my search engine, it was a few paragraphs down. This is a long bumpy road, your emotions will be all over the place. Have you ever heard anyone talk about trauma bonding or FOG which stands for fear obligation and guilt in an abusive relationship. Once we start finding things out for ourselves, start seeing that how our oh is nearly the same as others who post on here, it slowly dawns that this isn’t my fault. Many ladies have written, do you live with my oh or that they must all go to the same school, read the same manual. Take your time, baby steps every day. Knowledge is power, and it gives you the choice to decide what you do with your relationship. Stay or go is always your choice. No matter what you choose, we’ll stand behind and beside you all the way. Keep posting and keep reading others posts. By posting on here you’ve taken the first step, which is actually a huge step, so well doneđź’ž
      Best wishes IWMB đź’žđź’ž

    • #77174
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Looking at it from the outside can be really helpful. At uni we were shown that advert where a girl was watching herself be abused.

      It hit home what was happening to me, as in my mind I was watching myself. Even when I realised I was not ready to leave.

      You will find your own time/path. Stay safe.

    • #77233
      pasta
      Participant

      Thank you every one for replying so far.
      I am very conflicted. I have been in an abusive relationship before that I have poste about on here before.

      Not too long after it ended I got together with my current partner.
      In many ways he has helped me get past my last relationship. I can talk to him about literally anything and I do believe he is a good person.

      But we have a bit of a language/culture barrier as English is not his first language and this can cause misunderstandings/miscommunications between us. I do not believe he would physically hurt me but obviously if he did that would be the line.

      I don’t believe him to be emotionally abusive like my last partner was who was a textbook narc.

      This is what I mean where I am so confused as he has only behaved badly like this in circumstances where it is extreme – he thought I was locking him out our home so I kind of get why he would have got mad and lost it. But obviously I don’t think it is an okay thing to have done at all.

      It’s so difficult because if I were to tell my family an friends they wouldn’t support the relationship which would make it difficult for me staying with him. My mum has told me now I have moved out that I can’t come back which means I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. In many ways it’s easier to stay and see if anything like this happens again and then make a decision to leave if I am not happy, with more money in my pocket.

      I do think everyone looses their temper sometimes and there can be circumstances which explain I which is why I am not sure about this instance, despite going through textbook abuse before. I hope that makes sense.

    • #77234
      KIP.
      Participant

      No reasonable caring person is going to break a door because they think they’ve been locked out. And then blame someone else for their own disgraceful illegal behaviour. My guide is always would I behave that way? Would you behave that way? Abusers are liars and great at manipulation. If a friend came to you for advice, what would you tell them?

    • #77236
      pasta
      Participant

      I completely get what you are saying an I don’t want to be in the same situation I was before… but that’s the thing isn’t it it’s not always black and white I feel as he is caring and reasonable… most of the time. We were in the heat of a bad argument … but I don’t like that he tried to partially blame me. Part of me thinks I should just show him this thread

    • #77237
      diymum@1
      Participant

      i wouldnt because it would be abit like breaking girl code – no men allowed lol xx

    • #77238
      KIP.
      Participant

      Do you know about the cycle of abuse in relationships? The caring and reasonable part never lasts. I told my ex all about what a psychologist told me about him. He just simply twisted everything around. They’re good at manipulation and confusing us. That’s why we get stuck in trying to work out their behaviour and missing the point. They abuse us like no one else would dare. Because we would not allow anyone else in our life who abused us so why allow him. It’s a mental game of low self esteem, low confidence, confusion, justifying their behaviour. I would say not to show him the site. This is a safe place to open up and seek other opinions. You could put some of the points we made to him and see just how ridiculous his answers are. But please keep this group for support x

    • #77247
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hello again, abusers come in all shapes and sizes. Religion, culture, yes there are differences, but these are excuses for abusers to abuse. Keep reading, keep posting, only you know this man, we’re only going on what you’re writing and our own experiences. You will be okay, whatever you choose to do is your choice and we will support you either way. Much love, stay strong, ask us anything and we’ll try to help the best way we can.
      IWMB đź’žđź’ž

    • #77257
      Lisa
      Main Moderator

      Dear pasta,

      Just to echo what your fellow forum users have said, please don’t let your partner know you are on this site or show it to him. It could make things worse for you and this forum needs to stay a safe place for all the women using it.

      Your confusion is understandable, and it’s natural to want to try to find reasons for his behaviour. However I’m afraid what you have explained is clearly abusive behaviour, your instincts are trying to tell you something. I’m sorry you’ve struggled to get through to the Helpline before, but please do try again, I think it could help you to talk it through. If you feel able to leave a voicemail with just your number and a safe time for a call back, they will always do so.

      You could also contact your local domestic abuse service for some support too, everything will be at your pace.

      Keep Posting,

      Lisa

    • #78176
      pasta
      Participant

      Hi to anyone that reads this and thank you for responding,
      I’ve thought carefully about all of this since I posted.
      I have to say that I came away from this forum feeling worse than I did before I posted.
      I felt like I was being pushed into a corner because I’m afraid I don’tbelieve things to be completely black and white. I think there is a difference between someone breaking things to try to make someone feel scared to doing what my partner did to the door to try to get in. As he thought I was trying to keep him out his own home. I honestly believe he didn’t mean to and I don’t honestly believe he would hurt me or break things on purpose.
      Of course, if he does then I know the line and I now to leave.
      It’s not a relationship where there’s other things he is doing that are abusive. Yes he does raise his voice sometimes but there is a language and communication barrier and I am incredibly noise sensitive.

      I have to say I felt a lot better reading advice by people giving information and saying they’d support my decision either way. It’s a shame because I have never felt like I was being backed into a corner on here before, which is a shame. I always felt well supported.

      Of course I could be incredibly wrong and whatever else but I have to say I am hyper vigilent from previous abuse and sometimes things aren’t always black and white. I just thing it’s worth pointing out that sometimes things can be a wait and see given that I haven’t had any other red flags yet (and trust me I have spent the last years looking out for them).

    • #78177
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi Pasta, nice to see you back. Of course it’s your relationship and your decision and you’re best placed to spot abuse, It’s also good just to hear other perspectives. To keep an open mind. Whatever advice it’s given from a place of love and care. Keep posting and bouncing your thoughts of others. It’s how I learned. I think the bottom line is do you feel loved and cherished and not fearful? Sometimes abuse feels normal to us because it’s been so familiar in our past. It takes a long time not to be vulnerable so just take things slowly and at your own pace x

    • #78179
      pasta
      Participant

      thanks kip x
      when I feel scared I don’t think it’s because of him it is because of how things went with my ex and the things the ex did
      I only think I sometimes feel scared of my parter because he is so big compared to me like if he is standing in the way or something because my ex used to stop me leaving and stuff
      so its more of a flash back ptsd type reaction to the past of that makes sense
      and sometimes I make the argument/make up dynamic thing worse because I expect him to react in the way my ex did and comfort and bombard me rather than give me space which is what he does
      i don’t know if that makes sense
      i expect things to be the same as with the ex so every little thing i latch on to as like ohh noooo when it doesn’t have to be the same as that

    • #78191
      Iwantmeback
      Participant

      Hi pasta,I too an glad you’ve posted back on here.🤗 You’re right, relationships are never black and white. You know the signs, as I said before we’re ALWAYS here’s to chat to, to sound off to. Being previously abused, I think, will always impact on future relationships. Just be safe and I hope you are happy and content at the end of the day.
      Best wishes IWMB đź’žđź’ž

    • #78208
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      This is a side issue really, Pasta darling, but you say your mum has told you you can’t come back.

      If that makes you feel a bit stuck, like there’s no way out if you decide you want to leave, please think again.

      Mums say these things sometimes to their adult kids – I’m mum to three adults – but we usually come good in a crisis. I bet your mum loves you from the soles of your feet to the crown of your head. I bet she’d take you back in a heartbeat if you ever needed a roof over your head.

      I shelled out to bring one of mine back from the other side of the world when she was assaulted by the man she trusted, loved and went with. She lived at home with us for 18 months afterwards while she got her life back on track. I grumbled, sure, but I was there for her. It’s what mums do, and dads, too if you’re lucky.

      I hope you’re lucky in your mum. Sometimes the hardest thing is admitting there’s a problem. My daughter dreaded hearing us and her siblings saying “I told you so,” which of course we never did, though we certainly could have!

      Even if we had said it, we all love her and her safety was the most important thing. If you’re feeling unsafe, do tell your mum and give her a chance to help.

      “If only” are the saddest words.

      Flower x

    • #78210
      diymum@1
      Participant

      hi im glad you posted back and hope your ok. when weve been in a a bad relationship previously it can make it so much harder to judge a situation. its down to conditioning and we get triggered. i tend to look for a sounding board if im not sure too. it is a matter of trust too as above i think you sound very strong and resilient keep reaching out and we are always here to support you x*x

    • #78252
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Pasta

      I am so sorry to hear you have been through abuse before. It can make you very sensitive to triggers, especially raised voices.
      I would say though,that rased voices are about anger and dominance rather than good intention to to work together in a partnership to resolve issues.

      I am sure you don’t fly off the handle and shout at him when you can understand what’s he’s saying, or would kick the front door in?

      I am trying to imagine a situation where anyone at all reasonably does this.

      That said, I recall having the exact same sentiments as you, that it was my fault he smashed up our crockery or put his fist through a door…all because I was so completely ridiculous and unreasonable.

      I feel ridiculous and unreasonable.

      …but I do not smash up doors, or furniture or crockery…do you?

      These decisions are your own, your judgements to make with your eyes wide open.

      I agree with flower in that despite what you mother has rather unpleasantly said, I’m sure she would not see you harmed and kept in harms way.

      I truly hope you are not in another abusive relationship, but he is showing the red flags, and all we want here is safety for women and children.

      This is a safe space for women, I really hope you would help keep it safe, for you and others to post their worries and doubts about their relationship safety.

      Warmest wishes
      TS

    • #79473
      Donax
      Participant

      Been through outside and inside doors being kicked in punched, pulled off,slightly broken or crowbarred so many times…esp when they live there!! All the times with outside doors was always my fault for winding him uu or I wouldn’t let him in or said I couldn’t be there to let him in. Not saying it’s the case here but agree with other posts that I don’t go around kicking in doors for any reason let alone the force needed to break a latch. Mine broke door after door claiming it was something he needed to do or was entitled to do. Watch how he behaves because if I knew my partner had an abusive past I would be mindful of not doing things that might remind them of past abusive behaviour. Your partner may not be considering your feelings in atleast that way? They were atleast shouting at you in public in a way you stated you did not want to continue etc.

    • #79569
      pasta
      Participant

      Thanks everyone for you comments, especially with regards to my mum. I’m sure she would have me back temporarily if it did come to it. That made me feel a lot less stuck.

      I’ve actually been on my own for a bit due to work commitments and the space has been really good for me to try to process things.

      With the door thing I spoke to my friends in real life and it made me feel better as one of them said they would have reacted like that if they thought they’d been shut out of their own flat. I genuinely believe that my boyfriend didn’t mean to do it but it is still wrong and he is sorry for it happening.

      I know that I want to stay in the relationship; but I also know that if it does get bad I will be able to leave and I will be fine as I’m on my own now and I am absolutely fine.

      I do find it hard to get in the head space of things being both good and bad as I tend to see things black and white.

      With regards to the his raising his voice, as I think I mentioned before there is a language barrier there so he struggles to find the words sometimes and although I don’t like it I will just have to see how it continues. I think we will have to see if we can live round each other when we wind each other up. I tend not to give people space when they are wound up so it makes it a lot worse. I know I sound like I’m making excuses but I do think everyone has things that triggers them to behave in certain ways.

      This might just be an incoherent mess but I feel a lot clearer with things than I did before. I know if things continue or go worse I can leave an I will be fine.

    • #79575
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      With the door thing I spoke to my friends in real life and it made me feel better as one of them said they would have reacted like that if they thought they’d been shut out of their own flat.

      This is not normal behaviour. You friend wouldalso not be acting normally to react so extremely.

      It has clearly made you feel better because it what would be easiest to believe because of your feelings for him. It is extreme and highly aggressive. Its worrying that you believe this to be normal.

      I know i would never be kicking a door in or damaging property in any way. When a male physique does this it is very intimidating, ad he made a lot of assumptions about a situation to react this way (as has your friend). I wouldnt assume that the being locked out was malicious, why would you? I just wouldnt, an kicking the door in is not the immediate go to for any other than the abusive.

      Sorry, i know its not what you want to hear. His lack of language skills is also no excuse for his shouting. His shouting despite your reaction is very abusive.

      Noone is telling you what to do, those are your choices, but its important to know what the reality is.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

    • #89176
      pasta
      Participant

      Hiya,
      Just to give you an update if you are still reading this.

      We have now split up. I have moved out. He came back from being away and said I was putting ‘restrictions on him’ and controlling his work hours. I just didn’t want him working lots of late shifts as he already worked late like 3 times a week and all weekend every second weekend.

      He said he maybe wanted to be single and I didn’t want to break up. So we gave it a try but I kept crying everytime he came near me as I felt to abandoned and let down and kept trying to have the same conversations with him over and over again. But it confused me as he kept being affectionate but then telling me everything I didn’t want to hear – he didn’t want marriage and kids anymore, ever. He wanted lots of space, to do whatever he wanted to do and only send two evenings quality time with me a week, which would be a ‘compromise’.

      My health physical and mental have deteriorated. I feel like its my fault for wanting to spend so much time from him when he was back (he was gone over a month!) and I wanted to see him everyday. I wanted support from him when work was hard, and this was too much for him.

      To top it all off, he kept suggesting we still sleep together after breaking it off. He even tried to suggest this on the day I moved my things out of the home we shared!!!

      Clearly, I am very confused and messed up about this an cannot thing rationally. I am having a hard time today as I am missing him and happier times, which I know is stupid, as I can only think with my emotional brain right now.

      • #89208
        Lisa
        Main Moderator

        Hi Pasta,

        I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. Its early days so please be kind to yourself. Try to have no contact if you can, it will help you to feel stronger. Reach out to the helpline for some advice and support too, and your local Women’s Aid group. You might also want to consider the Freedom Program, it is designed to help support Women and recognise abuse and red flags, https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/

        We are all here for you.

        Best wishes,

        Lisa
        Forum Moderator

    • #89182
      KIP.
      Participant

      It will get easier and him asking for sex clearly shows what his intentions were and the depth of his feeling for you. Have a look at trauma bonding and see if this fits. We all grieve relationships whether they’re good or bad and zero contact with him is the best way forward as you’re extremely vulnerable just now x

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